Three Months to Forever

by Hudson Lin

  Sai huffed and dropped his hand back to the bed. The look of being put out was so cute that Ben couldn’t resist another quick kiss.

  “Let’s just go to bed, and you can shower in the morning.”

  Sai lolled his head from side to side. “No, must shower tonight.” He managed to push himself up to sitting, and Ben didn’t try to stop him. He wasn’t sure if it was a Sai thing or a Chinese thing, but Sai refused to crawl between the sheets without having showered first.

  Dressed only in the boxer briefs Ben left him in, Sai hobbled to the washroom. A moment later the water turned on, and Ben kept an ear tuned to any unusual thumps as he gathered up Sai’s clothes. When Sai emerged, he looked marginally better, and the sight of the towel wrapped low across his hips was enough to distract Ben from noticing the losing battle Sai was fighting with sleep.

  Ben pulled Sai onto bed with him. “How’s the case going?”

  “Hm… not well. Plaintiffs are filing new suits every day.”

  At least that’s what Ben thought Sai said. Half of it was mumbled under his breath.

  “Will they combine all the suits into a class action?” Ben asked.

  “No… class… act—”

  And he was gone. Ben pulled the blankets up tighter and snuggled against Sai’s side. It sucked that Sai worked such long hours, and he would have much preferred that they had more time together. But he was just thankful that despite it all, he still got the chance to fall asleep in the arms of the man who had stolen his heart.

  Saturday, October 29

  SOMETHING SHIFTED next to him, disrupting his happy peaceful place and pulling him rudely from his unconsciousness. It took Sai several moments to figure out the something was Ben, and he was trying to slip away. Sai pulled him back and tucked him more securely against his side.

  “Babe, just gimme a sec,” Ben muttered.

  Another shift as Ben slipped through his arms, and then a slapping sound as Sai realized Ben was reaching for the side table next to the bed. It was only then the faint vibrations of a phone call registered in Sai’s half-asleep brain.

  “Babe, it’s your phone.”

  No. Go away. Ben pressed the phone into his hand. He cracked one eye open, pointed it in the direction of the screen, and promptly dropped the thing onto the bed with a groan. That was the last person he wanted to talk to at God knew what hour in the morning.

  He pulled Ben down and rolled over to pin Ben underneath. Mmm…. Ben made a good human pillow. If only the stupid phone would stop ringing. Even after the call went to voicemail, the phone would only stay silent for a minute before the damn thing started vibrating again.

  “Babe, what if it’s important?”

  “It’s not. It’s my father,” Sai mumbled, half into Ben’s neck, half into the duvet caught under them when he rolled over.

  “What if something’s wrong?”

  “Nothing’s wrong,” Sai insisted. “It’s Chung Yeung Festival. We’re supposed to go visit my grandmother’s grave.”

  “Um, that sounds important.” Ben gave Sai’s shoulder a light shove. “Babe?”

  Sai groaned as he rolled onto his back and grabbed the phone. “Wei?” he growled at it.

  His father’s angry voice came blasting through the speakers, loud enough that he had to hold the phone away from his ear. He almost didn’t catch any of it, just something about it being a holiday, and he was being a disrespectful and disobedient son. The same old diatribe that usually ended with how disappointed his father was that he even had a son.

  He knew Ben could hear all of it and was grateful his father lectured him in Cantonese. The weight of Ben’s concerned gaze was heavy, so he kept his eyes shut tight to avoid having to acknowledge how much his father’s words affected him.

  “Where are you?” his father demanded, but then didn’t wait for an answer. “You’re at that homosexual’s home, aren’t you?”

  Sai stiffened at the word. It wasn’t derogatory, just a scientific term to describe those who were attracted to the same sex. But the way his father said it, dripping with disgust, left no doubt as to what he thought of Sai being gay. He sat up straight in bed, now fully awake.

  He wasn’t even sure how his father knew about Ben. It wasn’t like Sai ever told them anything about his love life. In fact, he rarely talked to them about anything if he could avoid it. It might have been the Leungs from that day at dim sum. Or someone at his law firm who noticed Ben coming around every day and decided to start some rumors. Either way, his father made sure to remind him again of how unworthy Sai was to be his son.

  The ranting moved on to how Ben was distracting him from important things—namely doing whatever he could to make sure the Leungs escaped punishment for the deplorable conditions of their factories. If Sai thought his morning couldn’t get any worse, he was wrong. He could count the number of times he thought he was going to be sick as he worked on the Leungs’ case the past few weeks. Each time he spoke in defense of them, he felt a little bit of himself die on the inside.

  “Well, we’re leaving in twenty minutes. I expect you to be here.” Apparently his father had concluded his ranting.

  “I’ll meet you at grandmother’s grave.” He hated how resigned he sounded, even to his own ears.

  “Fine.”

  The line went dead, and Sai dropped the phone onto the bed. Ben’s hand felt heavy on his shoulder, drawing his fingers back and forth across the hairs on the back of his neck. But Sai didn’t lift his head. He couldn’t meet Ben’s eyes; he couldn’t let Ben see what a failure he was. Too guilt-ridden to be cutthroat enough for his father, too weak to stand up for his own principles.

  “Is everything okay?” Ben’s voice was layered with concern, which only made things worse. He didn’t deserve Ben’s concern. He was in a mess of his own making, and he had no one else to blame but himself.

  Sai cleared his throat before speaking, but even then, his words came out half-broken. “I’m fine. I need to go.”

  Ben tightened his hand on his shoulder, and for a second he thought Ben was going to object. Part of him wanted Ben to object, to set him straight and force him to do things he wanted to do, if only he had the courage. But instead he clasped Ben’s hand in his own, squeezed once, and removed it from his shoulder.

  “To the office? Or to see your parents?” Ben asked as Sai climbed out of bed and headed to the bathroom.

  “To my grandmother’s grave with my parents, and then to the office.”

  A beat passed in silence, and then, “Are you going to be okay?”

  With the way things were going, he wasn’t so sure.

  SAI PULLED his Tesla over to the side of the narrow road that wound through the old cemetery built into the side of a mountain. Terraced above and below him were rows upon rows of miniature shrines to the dead. They were fashioned out of concrete and packed in so tightly that each grave site abutted the next with only inches to spare. There were thousands of them covering the east side of the mountain so the clear morning sun would shine down on the dead every day.

  Other cars were parked along the side of the road, many locals following the traditions of Chung Yeung Festival to clean the graves of their loved ones. Sai spotted his parents’ Rolls Royce up ahead.

  He climbed the stairs that extended up as far as his eyes could see. His grandmother’s grave was near the top, although technically it wasn’t just for his grandmother. It was the family shrine and housed the remains of his grandfather and Sai’s late uncle as well. There was room reserved for his parents when it came time for them to leave too.

  His parents were already there, standing side by side, each holding three slim sticks of burning incense. Sai nodded to Ming, their driver, who stood off to the side with a bag full of supplies at his feet. Together they waited for Sai’s parents to finish their prayers, bow to the grave, and insert the sticks into the waiting box of sand. In front of the box were neat little stacks of paper money and oranges arranged in little pyramids—trib
utes to the dead.

  When his parents finally noticed his presence, the reception was cold.

  “Sai Hei,” his mother said. “Come pay respect to your ancestors.”

  His father didn’t even deign to spare a glance in his direction. Sai shoved down the feeling of inadequacy that bubbled up inside. He was there to perform a ceremonial duty, which he would do as required, and then he would leave. That was all.

  He took the incense Ming lit for him and positioned himself in front of the grave of his relatives. He didn’t really remember his grandparents. They had both passed when he was young. His uncle passed when Sai was in middle school, and in his memory, his uncle was a lively man, easygoing and fun to be around. He never married, and Sai always wondered whether he had been gay too.

  He offered up prayers, wishing his relatives a peaceful afterlife, asking to be granted wisdom, health, and happiness. Then he stuck his incense next to his parents’ and stepped back.

  “Sai Hei.” His mother again, standing next to him, though she didn’t look at him while she spoke. “You remember Auntie Alice? She has a daughter, Joyce?”

  Sai knew where this was going. “Yes, Joyce lives in California.”

  “Well, she’s moved back to Hong Kong. She arrived last week. You should invite her to go out. You need to make new friends.”

  “I already have friends.” This was the same conversation they had every month.

  “That’s why I said you need new friends.” What she didn’t say was she disapproved of his social circle, of Winston and Jacques and the rest. She barely tolerated those who were straight because how could they condescend to be associated with a gay man.

  He didn’t respond. What was there to say? He would try to defend himself, and she would huff and ignore him. Then they would rehash the same conversation next month.

  His father turned to him then, acknowledging his presence for the first time since he arrived. He gave Sai a dead look, like he was the hired help and had stepped out of line. The top of Sai’s head throbbed with an oncoming migraine that developed whenever he spent time in his father’s presence. He needed to excuse himself before it worsened and get to the office to finish all the things he’d left pending yesterday. He needn’t have worried about that.

  “Don’t you have work to do?” his father demanded in the same tone he used when he was upset at Ming.

  “Yes, Father. I’m going to the office after we are finished here.”

  “You could have made it in sooner if you hadn’t been at—” He was cut off by his wife’s hand on his arm.

  When Sai looked to his mother for an explanation, she dropped her gaze to the ground and tilted up her chin. Gratitude and sadness and frustration mixed inside of him until he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. He opted to leave instead.

  “Goodbye.” He nodded his farewell to his parents and then gave Ming a smile before he turned on his heel and strode back to his car. Duty done. But he didn’t feel the satisfaction that supposedly came from being an obedient son. He felt dead inside.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Friday, November 3

  BEN STEPPED out onto the balcony of their hotel room, with the sheer white curtains rustling in the wind around him. Below was the chemical blue of a swimming pool, and beyond was the dynamic blue of the sea—all of it colored by the orange red of the setting sun. He couldn’t quite believe they were there, in Thailand, in Phuket. They almost hadn’t made it.

  Sai had been late leaving the office, claiming he didn’t want to have any loose ends dangling for their weekend away. Especially since they had both taken Monday off to spend an extra day in paradise. Ben freaked out that they would miss their flight, but Sai waved his concern away, claiming the plane wouldn’t leave without them, and sure enough, they were the last two people to board.

  The salty ocean breeze was damp on Ben’s face, and even though it was hotter and more humid in Phuket than in Hong Kong—which Ben hadn’t believed was possible—it felt freeing rather than suffocating. He closed his eyes and turned his face to the setting sun.

  He smiled when Sai came up behind him and trapped him against the railing with arms on either side. Sai placed a gentle kiss behind his ear, and Ben shuddered at the intimacy of it.

  “Are you happy to be done?” Ben asked.

  He felt Sai scrunch his nose against his ear. “I’ll never be truly done.”

  Ben almost rolled his eyes. “But you had the last court date for the Leungs this week. The next hearing isn’t for months, right? The newspaper said it could be half a year before the next development.” Sai took his attorney-client privilege seriously, and Ben had had to resort to the news to figure out when his boyfriend would have free time.

  “That’s true. But there is still work to be done between now and then.”

  Ben turned himself around and leaned back against the railing, pulling Sai in between his outstretched legs. “So then for now you’re done. And you deserve a break after everything you’ve been through the past month.”

  Sai combed his fingers through Ben’s hair, sending little bursts of electricity shooting through his body, but the look Sai wore was pensive and wistful.

  “What is it?” He gave Sai a squeeze.

  “It’s nothing.” Sai shook his head, and Ben squeezed him harder.

  “Don’t say that when it’s clearly not nothing.”

  Sai settled his fingers at the nape of his neck, and Ben did his best to ignore them as he sought out all the knots in his muscles.

  “I… I am not sure if I deserve anything.”

  He pulled Sai close until their hips bumped against each other, chests pressed together and Ben could bury his face into the crook of Sai’s neck. The self-doubt in Sai’s voice threaded through Ben like a needle lodging in his heart. How could someone as accomplished as Sai feel like he didn’t deserve anything?

  “Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that again,” Ben whispered. “You deserve so much more than what those people are forcing on you.”

  Sai tightened his arms around him, and Ben poured all the love and admiration he felt into their embrace. Sai had to know he was better than the shoddy hand his parents had dealt him. He could do so much more with his life.

  Sai threaded his fingers through Ben’s hair and pulled him back to meet Sai’s scrutiny. In those eyes Ben saw disbelief and skepticism but also a dash of hope. He tilted his chin up and caught Sai’s lips with his own. It took Sai a moment to respond, but when he did, he was demanding and forceful, and Ben laid himself out for the taking.

  Sai slipped his tongue inside his mouth and brushed it against Ben’s, seeking out all the corners and stealing away Ben’s breath. Sai tasted of gin and tonic and a touch of desperation, a wild scrambling for control Ben was more than willing to surrender. When they parted, Ben’s head spun with desire and passion pulsed through his body.

  “You look so beautiful like this,” Sai whispered, eyes now dark and in command. “Lips red from my kisses, eyes unfocused, hair a mess. I could fuck you right here on the balcony.”

  Ben forgot to breathe. His cock twitched, and he shuddered in Sai’s arms. It was so risky, so dangerous, and the thought of it sent a bolt of arousal ricocheting through him. Yes, he wanted it, and no, it was too much.

  Sai’s lips tilted up on one side, and he narrowed his eyes in understanding. “Hm… perhaps not today.”

  He stepped back, and Ben fought the crash of disappointment as Sai slipped through his arms. But then Sai clasped his hand around Ben’s, and Ben followed him inside. They made it just past the open french doors before Ben found himself pressed face-first against the wall, Sai’s chest flush against his back.

  “How about here?” Sai whispered into his ear.

  Ben’s heart tripped over itself in its effort to keep beating. Yes, yes; a hundred times yes. Obscured in the shadow of the billowing curtains, Ben still felt the ocean breeze on his skin, still heard the laughter and chatter of people at the pool. He
nodded, just a small movement because anything bigger and he might chicken out.

  “I need to hear you say it. Is it okay here?”

  Ben wasn’t sure he could make his voice work. But for this, for Sai, he had to try. “Yes.” The first attempt was more a croak than anything else. “Yes,” he repeated.

  A growl preceded another small kiss right behind his ear, and then Sai closed his teeth around Ben’s earlobe and tugged. Ben bit his lip to keep from crying out, even as Sai growled at him. Sai pulled his hips back, and the hardness of Sai’s dick pressed against his crack. He couldn’t resist wiggling his ass against the growing bulge, and it earned him a quick smack. He gasped at the sudden pain and the accompanying spike of pleasure.

  “Do you like that?” Sai asked while giving his other asscheek a sharp smack.

  “Yes.” Ben breathed through the rough squeeze of Sai’s hand.

  “Good.”

  Ben held on to that single word like a promise of things to come.

  Sai made quick work of his pants, and when Sai wrapped his fingers around Ben’s cock, Ben whimpered at the touch. Sai’s body pressing into him from behind felt so good, and the sounds of water splashing in the distance made the whole thing that much more erotic. Sai knelt behind him, pushed Ben’s pants down and tapped an ankle when he needed Ben to lift a foot. Then his hands were on Ben’s ass, kneading the big muscles with his fingers, reminding Ben of that massage early in their acquaintance. That felt like a lifetime ago.

  Ben relaxed into the massage, then tensed when Sai pulled his cheeks wide and blew a stream of hot air across his hole. Shit. Fuck. He felt Sai trace the tip of his tongue from the top of Ben’s crack, down to circle his hole, then even farther to wiggle it against his perineum. Oh good God, hell. Ben was getting his ass eaten out, and just a few feet away was public space. If he cried out, he had no doubt all the people at the resort would know exactly what Sai was doing to him.

  And Sai really knew what he was doing. He lapped and prodded at Ben’s hole, bit his cheeks, and tugged on his balls. Ben had always had mixed feelings about rimming, especially since he hadn’t taken a shower right before. But he couldn’t deny how good it felt to have Sai’s tongue touching the sensitive nerve endings in his most intimate of places. The dirtiness of it combined with the thrill of exhibitionism, and Ben bit hard on his bottom lip, fighting the urge to vocalize the pleasure ripping through him.