Three Months to Forever

by Hudson Lin

  “What do you mean you can’t leave without saying something?”

  It felt like Ben was trying to pierce him by strength of gaze alone. “You’re killing yourself like this. Not just with the long work hours and no sleep. But inside it’s eating away at you, isn’t it?”

  Ben pushed his tray of food away and leaned his elbows on the table. “Do you remember that night after Happy Valley? We were at LINQ, and you and Winston and a bunch of people were having that heated debate about civil rights and all that?”

  Sai nodded—that was the night Ben’s inquisitiveness first made an impression on him.

  “What do you do with that person when you’re at work? Because I can’t imagine there’s a logical way for those two perspectives to coexist inside you.”

  Ben was right. None of this was news to Sai, but couched in such plain language, it was impossible to dismiss just how hypocritical he had been for so long. Sai braced his elbow on the table and sank his head into his hand.

  Ben wrapped his fingers around Sai’s wrist and pulled his hand away from his forehead. Ben squeezed tight and didn’t let go as they settled their hands across the tabletop. “I couldn’t go back to Canada knowing that you’re dying inside and not try to get you to quit.”

  Sai tried for a smile but only got halfway. “I love you.” It was sappy and stupid, but he had to say it because he was pretty sure Ben was the best thing to ever happen to him.

  “I love you too.” Ben smiled at him. “And hey, if you won’t quit for yourself, at least quit for me.”

  That got Sai to a full-blown smile. “You know, I was so close to it so many times these past weeks. I didn’t want to keep disappointing you.”

  Ben cocked his head. “Why didn’t you?”

  Because he was a coward. He shrugged.

  “You still can.” Ben gave his hand a little shake when Sai didn’t respond.

  It was true. He still could, but it wouldn’t be the same. Not if Ben wasn’t around to enjoy it with him, but he nodded all the same. Ben let go of his hand and pulled the tray of food back.

  Taking another bite of the macaroni, Ben scowled into the bowl. “It’s not as good cold.”

  Sai burst out laughing. Oh dear God, he was going to be in so much trouble when Ben left.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Wednesday, November 29

  THE LAST week and a half was as close to perfect as Ben could realistically hope for. Sai made an effort to leave work early, and they had late dinners together at a restaurant rather than at Sai’s office. Then they went home and lazed in bed having deep discussions, or watching TV, or fucking like rabbits. They didn’t step outside the entire last weekend except to meet the delivery guy downstairs when their food arrived. They marinated in each other’s company, soaked each other in until Ben wasn’t sure where he ended and Sai began.

  Then Monday night was his farewell party. Jacques and Winston helped organize it, using Jacques’s connections to book out a gorgeous rooftop patio space similar to the one where Ben and Sai had first met. Both sets of friends showed up, and Ben realized just how much he had made himself at home in Hong Kong. He was going to miss everyone so much.

  At the moment, they were on the Airport Express train, scheduled to arrive at the airport in a mere twenty minutes. Sai sat next to him, their hands clutched together on the seat between their thighs. And Ben wasn’t sure he was going to make it through the next couple of hours without breaking down into ugly cries.

  In their last days together, he had made a point to say everything he wanted to say to Sai: that he was grateful for everything Sai had shown him and that he had enjoyed every single moment of his time in Hong Kong. He still wanted Sai to quit his fucking awful job, and most importantly, that he loved him. That he would always love him.

  Now Ben had nothing left to say, but that felt like a waste. Their last moments together shouldn’t be spent in silence, should they?

  Ben turned at the squeeze of his hand and found Sai looking at him, eyes dark and full of emotion. Ben bit his lip to keep it from quivering; Sai narrowed his eyes and squeezed his hand harder.

  Ben hesitated only a split second before he decided, fuck it, this was his last chance. He slid down in his seat and leaned his head on Sai’s shoulder. Much to his delight, Sai reached his arm around the back of Ben’s neck and pulled him in closer. They held each other like that, their hearts communicating all their voices couldn’t say.

  Ben blinked back tears when the train arrived at the airport and they headed into the terminal.

  “How much time do you have left?” Sai glanced at his watch.

  “Um, two hours until departure?”

  Sai waved a hand dismissively. “You still have plenty of time. Come on.” He grabbed Ben’s carry-on luggage and turned right.

  “Where are you going?”

  Sai said nothing but gave him a smile that went straight to Ben’s dick. There were public toilets at the very end of the terminal, and when they went inside, it was empty. Ben quickly put two and two together.

  “Wait, Sai. This is a public washroom—and I have a flight to catch.”

  But Sai ignored all his protests and pushed him into the wheelchair accessible stall, shutting him up with a bruising kiss to the mouth. Ben couldn’t help the moan that escaped him. God, he loved Sai’s kisses. That tongue. Those lips. How was he supposed to live without those kisses?

  The sense of urgency and their semiexhibitionist location sent all the blood in Ben’s body rushing to his cock. Sai had his hands all over him, pinching his nipples, tugging his hair, squeezing his ass, and fumbling at the zip of his jeans.

  He moaned again when Sai slipped his hand inside and gripped his dick with strong, skilled fingers. Then Sai pulled away and paused. Ben blinked, trying to figure out why Sai had stopped. Sai cocked an eyebrow, made the universal symbol for quiet, and sank down to his knees.

  “Oh fuck.” So much for being quiet.

  Sai pulled down the front of Ben’s jeans just enough to release his cock and balls. With a devious smile and full eye contact, Sai fed Ben’s dick into his mouth. Ben bit down hard on his lip to keep from making noise, but Sai’s mouth just felt too good. All wet and hot and the perfect amount of tease and pull. His hands moved of their own accord to Sai’s hair, loving how the black strands felt like silk in his fingers.

  Normally Sai wouldn’t give him that much liberty, but very little about their situation was normal. He tightened his fingers just slightly and jerked his hips an inch. Sai’s eyes fluttered shut, and vibrations from Sai’s groan traveled up Ben’s dick. Oh fuck. He thrust a little farther into Sai’s mouth and Sai’s throat constricted around him. Then Sai palmed his balls, tugging them away from his body and giving them a light massage. His orgasm rushed forward.

  Ben kept his eyes glued to where Sai’s lips formed a perfect O around his dick, bruised red and glistening with spittle. He was so close; he just needed one thing. And Sai gave it to him like he was reading Ben’s mind. Sai’s eyes fluttered again, and he peeked up from under his lashes with a look so dark and heavy with lust that it triggered Ben’s climax with nothing more than a slight twitch of an eyebrow.

  Ben bit his lip so hard he tasted blood, but that was nothing compared to the rush of pleasure that tore through him. He emptied himself into Sai’s mouth, spasm after spasm, and Sai drank up every last drop. He was still breathing hard and shuddering from aftershocks when Sai tucked him away and zipped him up.

  Sai pushed his tongue into Ben’s mouth, and Ben shuddered again at the taste of himself.

  “You’re bleeding,” Sai accused as he pulled away.

  “You said to be quiet.”

  “I didn’t say to hurt yourself.” Sai took hold of Ben’s jaw and pulled it down to inspect the damage. He tsked his displeasure but said no more on the subject. One more lingering kiss, and he stepped back to run some fingers through his hair. “You have to take care of yourself.”

  Ben raised both e
yebrows. “You have to take care of yourself.”

  Sai chuckled. “You’re right. I do.”

  They left the washroom, and Ben was sure every single person knew what they had been up to. But then Sai led them over to the security line, and Ben suddenly remembered why they were at the airport. He was leaving; he checked his watch. And shit, he was going to miss his flight.

  “You’re not going to miss your flight.” Sai really could read his mind. “You’re not.”

  He ran nimble fingers through Ben’s hair one last time and then settled them on his shoulder. Sai stepped in, mindless of the busy airport crowds, and planted a sweet, chaste kiss on Ben’s lips. Ben forgave himself for the little whimper he made when Sai stepped back again.

  He didn’t know what to say. How was he supposed to say goodbye to the man he loved?

  Sai smiled at him. “There’s a saying in Chinese. ‘I wish your travels to be swift and smooth, as if carried by the wind.’” He handed Ben’s carry-on luggage to him.

  Ben swallowed around the thick ball of emotion in his throat. “Thank you,” he croaked.

  “I love you.” Even Sai’s eyes were glistening now.

  There was no way Ben was making it out of this without crying.

  “I love you too.” He pulled Sai back into a hug, deep and tight like he never wanted to let go. And Sai hugged him back just as fiercely.

  “Now you’re going to miss your flight.”

  Ben didn’t miss the teasing in Sai’s voice, but he pushed him away all the same. “Shut up.”

  He took his bags, and because he didn’t want “shut up” to be the last thing he said to Sai in person, he murmured another “I love you” before turning to pass through security.

  Ben glanced back at the last corner before he would lose sight of Sai. Sai stood there, hands in pockets, shoulders set back and straight, brows lowered over his eyes. His lips moved, and Ben recognized the three little words spoken into the air. He returned the words one last time and walked on.

  Friday, December 22

  “HELLO?” BEN dropped his bag at the foot of the stairs and went in search of his parents. It was the weekend before Christmas, and he’d been back in Canada for three weeks. Three long weeks.

  “In here!” Maureen called from the kitchen. “Have you eaten?”

  It was just past eight o’clock in the evening, and Ben had driven up to his parents’ home in Huntsville, about three hours north of Toronto.

  “Yeah, I grabbed a bite on the way up.” Ben gave his mom a kiss on the cheek and then slid onto a stool by the breakfast bar. “Where is everyone?”

  “Your father and Dan are at Abigail’s helping her fix something with the pipes. Joe and his brood are driving up tomorrow.” His mom wiped down a spoon with a silver cloth and placed it in the small pile of glittering silverware.

  Ben grabbed a knife and a second cloth and started wiping away. “How’s dad?”

  His dad had been undergoing daily treatment for his prostate cancer for five weeks. But the last time Ben had been up to visit a couple of weeks ago, Frank still looked fine.

  “Oh, he’s fine. Grumbles about having to go to the hospital every day, but he’s in and out in under thirty minutes, and it’s painless.” Maureen waved away Ben’s concern.

  “Has he had any of the side effects?”

  “You mean fatigue? Not really. He says he feels the same as always.”

  “Really?” Ben couldn’t quite believe it. Whenever he heard the word cancer, he always associated it with people on their deathbeds, but his dad looked exactly as he always had for the past ten years. There were times when Ben forgot his dad even had the disease.

  “Yup!” His mom smiled and dropped another spoon in the finished pile. “How are you?”

  “I’m fine.” He said it a little too quickly and not nearly convincing enough to fool his mother.

  “Don’t lie to me, young man. Tell me how you really are.”

  Ben put down the fork he’d been working on and twisted the cloth in his hands. “I miss him,” he confessed. More than he thought it possible to miss someone. So much so that his productivity at work had nosedived, and he called in sick last Monday because he didn’t want to get out of bed.

  “Oh, honey.” His mom reached over the counter and put her hand on his.

  He bit his lip and refused to cry in front of his mother.

  “Have you spoken to Sai?”

  Ben nodded. “Yeah, we chat every couple of days.” He sniffled and tried to blink away the tears. “It’s almost harder when we talk, though. Like reopening a wound.”

  He felt her watching him, her sympathy overflowing in that simple gaze. It was almost too much to handle, so he slipped off the stool and went to grab the pitcher of water he knew was in the fridge.

  Maureen waited until after he had downed a glass before speaking again. “I guess it would be too much to hope that he could ever move here.” The silverware forgotten, she leaned against the counter, arms crossed over her chest.

  Ben shook his head. “There’s no way. His entire life is there. You should hear how he talks about Hong Kong, how much he loves the city, how much he wants to help change it for the better.”

  “But you said that his job isn’t doing that—it isn’t making Hong Kong better.” Maureen frowned.

  “I know. It’s not.” Ben sighed. “But if he quit his job, he could use his law expertise for so much good. If he came here, he’d have to start from scratch again. Heck, he needs a visa just to visit Canada, never mind do any kind of work.”

  “Have you at least discussed visiting each other?”

  He shrugged. “It’s come up, but we haven’t made any concrete plans. I can’t take time off work when I’ve only just gotten back.”

  Maureen nodded, though her brow was still folded in a frown. “You know, you should consider moving back there.”

  Ben stared at his mother like she had gone crazy. “What do you mean?”

  “Well, you said BMO’s been expanding their operations in Hong Kong. Were there any job openings when you were there?”

  “Yeah, but….”

  She cocked her head to the side. “But what?”

  Ben still couldn’t string together his argument for why he had to be in Canada.

  “They’re not in your area of finance?”

  “No, they are.”

  “They don’t pay well? Not the type of work you want to do?”

  “No, those aren’t issues.”

  “So what?”

  “I need to be here!” Ben waved his hands around to emphasize his point.

  “Here? Here where? Huntsville?” Maureen wore a grin on her face that said Ben was going to lose this argument.

  “Well, no, not here. But in Toronto. With dad’s health and everything, I need to be on hand.”

  “Oh, honey.” Maureen came up to him and put a hand on his arm. “You’re so sweet.”

  “What?” What did being sweet have anything to do with it?

  “Come here.” She led them to the den, and they settled on the old worn couch. “I’m going to be completely honest with you, dear. I love you; your father loves you. Your brothers and sister, we all love you. And that means we want to see you happy.

  “It’s sweet and endearing that you want to be close to your dad while he’s undergoing his treatments, but I have to break it to you: you’re not that close.” She winced. “I think we spoke to you more often when you were in Hong Kong than when you lived in Toronto.”

  “What? That’s not true.” But then he thought about it. When he was in Toronto, he tried to make it back to Huntsville every couple of months, but if he was honest, it was more like once every three or four. Otherwise there might be an occasional text message sent back and forth in the interim. But in Hong Kong, he spoke with his parents every other week like clockwork. “Oh my God, it’s true.”

  Maureen smiled at him, a little sheepish, a little apologetic. “And your father is going to b
e fine. Really he is. It’s a slow-growing cancer, and most men with prostate cancer die of something else entirely.”

  “That’s not necessarily comforting.” Ben would rather not think about his dad dying of anything, but he knew she was right about the statistics. He had found the same information in his research.

  “So what I’m saying is that if you want to be in Hong Kong, I don’t want you to feel like we’re holding you back. Especially if you’re going to be as miserable as you are now.” She patted his knee, then gave it a quick squeeze.

  His mom was telling him to go back to Hong Kong. What did he think about that? Ben blinked. He wasn’t sure.

  “Um, there is this one job opening in Hong Kong.” He had gone to human resources to ask about it when he got back to Toronto. “They haven’t had any luck filling it, and apparently my chances of getting it are good if I apply.”

  Maureen perked up. “Tell me more.”

  A smile grew on Ben’s face, and he did nothing to stop it. “It’s in investor relations, so not in my group, but we worked closely together all the time. I’m technically underqualified, but the manager of the other group likes me.”

  “Then you should apply for it.” She patted him on the leg and looked at him expectantly like she wanted him to go right then.

  “I don’t know. I mean, it’s a good job. But so is the one I have here.” He winced. “I’d essentially be moving halfway around the world for a guy.”

  “Not just a guy. For love.” She beamed as she dragged out that last word.

  “Mom, my life isn’t a romcom.” He raised an eyebrow at her.

  “I know, I know.” She waved off his objection. “But still, it sounds like a great opportunity, and if that brings you back to Sai, what’s wrong with that?”

  “I don’t even know if he’d be open to that.” That wasn’t entirely true. They hadn’t talked about it since Ben got back to Canada, but he was pretty sure Sai would be okay with him moving back to Hong Kong—ecstatic, even. “And there’s the whole visa issue. Getting a long-term work visa is a lot more complicated than the short-term one I had before.”