SINS OF THY MOTHER 3

by Niki Jilvontae

  I cried my heart out as I looked down at the small purple baby with semi-transparent skin I could see through. I couldn’t help but to unwrap him and examine his tiny, underdeveloped body as my sister cried softly next to me. He had the tiniest hands and feet I had ever seen as I ran my fingertips over them and remembered every single inch of him. He looked just like Jerrod, sleeping all handsome, innocent, and strong, unaware of the pain his departure would cause. I felt like everything I loved was being ripped away as the nurse came over to take the baby away.

  “We have to take him, Ms. Lewis. There will be a burial for him. Your foster mother is here and she wanted to make sure that happened. She has taken care of all of the arrangements, which she will tell you about when you’re out of recovery. Now, you have to let him go, ma’am,” the nurse said, as I suddenly realized I was still holding on to the baby tightly as she tried to pull him away.

  I wasn’t ready to let him go just yet, but I knew I had to. I knew I still had A’Miracle to love and protect. I would never forget Jerrod Jr., but I knew I had to let him go to heaven to be with my uncle Scooby. Right then, I remembered how my uncle Scooby told me in a dream that he would take care of the boy. I thought the boy he meant was Sha, but as I released the small, innocent soul I held in my hands and the shattered piece of my heart, I knew that was who he meant.

  I felt better letting my baby go, knowing that my uncle would take care of him. Knowing that the only person who loved me with his life was caring for one of the most precious gifts in my life gave me strength. It gave me the strength to simply lie there and cry while I held myself, as Terricka said goodbye to my son before the nurse holding him disappeared out of the room. I could do nothing but bawl and pray, as the pain of what had just happened sunk in.

  I forgot all about my angel laying over in the bassinet, quietly and patiently as I wallowed in my pity for a moment. Terricka held me as we cried for the little baby who never had a chance, when suddenly someone knocked on the door. I couldn’t stop my tears as I continued to let my emotions pour out and my sister disappeared from my side. I laid there a few more minutes before Terricka reappeared and quickly changed my sullen mood.

  “Tisha, Tisha. Please Tisha, listen to me. I know nothing I can say right now can ease your pain, but you have to know that God hears our cries. He answered one of our prayers, Tisha,” Terricka said as I turned to look at her while the tears still fell from my eyes.

  My sister leaned down and wiped the tears from my face as she forced a smile, letting me know that better times were around the corner. Although I couldn’t see the sunshine coming because of the rain cloud pouring down on me, I couldn’t help but to believe it was on the horizon. I had to believe that to keep from going crazy.

  “Tisha, Sha’s gonna be alright. You hear me, Tisha? He’s gonna be alright. He flatlined earlier when we heard that code blue. They rushed him right to surgery and as soon as they went in, they found the swelling on his brain. At 7:29 a.m., Sha breathed on his own and showed strong brain waves in the ICU recovery room, Tisha. At the exact time Lil Jerrod went to heaven, Sha came back to us,” Terricka said, as I saw tears well up in her eyes.

  I felt an overwhelming love overtake me at that moment and I knew my sister was right. My son had given his light, so his uncle’s could shine. Tears streamed down my face as I looked at my sister. Terricka cried right along with me as we put our foreheads together and let our souls speak without words, like we had always done. We cried tears of joy knowing that we had real love looking out for us in heaven and on earth.

  “My son gave his life so that my brother could continue to live. Unconditional love T…” I said, getting choked up as my sister hugged me tightly to her.

  “The same kind of love you have for her,” Terricka said as the nurse walked over to me carrying A’Miracle.

  When my hands touched the fat, red little girl wrapped in a pink and white furry blanket with matching cap, I melted. I had never felt a love as strong as I felt that moment. It was the kind of love that was reciprocated instantly and without prompting, as she opened her eyes and showed me what it meant to be a mother. I couldn’t help but to let the tears fall from my eyes as I drunk her in from head to toe.

  She looked just like the small, purple baby I had held before with Jerrod’s juicy lips and thick lashes and eyebrows. Her skin was very fair, as expected for a newborn and she had deep dimples that made her absolutely adorable. She was breathtaking as I stared into her beautiful brown eyes, eyes that were just like her father’s. I couldn’t help but to smell her, inhaling her light, sweet scent deeply, before I kissed her gently on the head.

  It seemed as if she knew who I was as she smiled and snuggled up into my arms. I felt so naturally connected to the beautiful baby I had brought into the world, as I wondered how a love so strong could ever turn into the hate and pain I had gotten from my mother all of my life. I tried to shake those thoughts out of my mind as I closed my eyes and laid back on my pillow with my daughter in my arms, loving every second that we shared. Somehow, I could feel that calmness wouldn’t last long. Somehow, I knew I would have to fight to keep that peace and I was ready for it.

  “Tisha, I’m a go and sit with Sha for a while. Tania is here and she wants to talk to you. I’ll tell her to give you some time though. Love on your baby now because we’re gonna have to fight soon, little sister. This shit has only begun,” Terricka said as she looked me deep in the eyes, and I felt a fear, hurt, and hate from my past reignite.

  I knew that my pain wasn’t over. I knew that the sins of my mother would continue to follow me and ruin my life and everything else in her path, until someone made her disappear. Someone had to rid the world of the cancer called Denise and make things safe for innocent kids. No one was there for me, my sister, and my brother, no one but us. However, I wasn’t about to let the same thing happen to my child. I would do whatever it took to keep A’Miracle from feeling the pain I felt.

  As I looked up at my sister and she wiped away her tears before bending down to kiss A’Miracle, I knew she felt the same way that I felt. I knew that Terricka would give her life for me and Sha, and that naturally, she would do the same for my child. That was the unconditional love I craved from my mother but would probably never get. I wouldn’t let her take it away from me either though.

  “Tete will see you later, beautiful little girl. Know that I love you just as much as your mother and I will protect you forever. Love you to the moon and back,” my sister said to my daughter before she kissed her on the forehead, just like my uncle Scooby used to do us.

  I watched my sister walk out of the room with tears in my eyes before I turned back to my daughter. I drunk A’Miracle in with my eyes once more, before I kissed her head and snuggled back up on my pillow. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I felt at peace. I finally felt the love I yearned for and almost felt complete, as I rocked the one person in the world who would always love me into a gentle sleep.

  “Mommy loves you to the moon and back too, A’Miracle. My love for you has no limits and no boundaries. Your daddy loves you just as much too. Soon, he’ll be back and we all will be a family, I promise. I promise to always love and protect you, no matter what.” I vowed to my daughter while tears fell from my eyes, before I drifted off to sleep.

  I dreamed about a happier time with my baby and Jerrod that night. I could see us all so clear in a beautiful home filled with happiness and laughter, as my daughter grew from a baby into a beautiful little girl. I saw our entire lives and love evolve in my dream as Jerrod treated me like the queen he always said I was.

  My dream felt so real. I could feel the love from Jerrod as he held me and looked deeply into my eyes, showing our daughter how a woman should be treated and adored by a man. My dream mirrored the life I wanted and felt I deserved, a life that somehow was just out of my grip. Just like every other sweet dream in my life, my happy world suddenly turned into a beautiful nightmare, as the beautiful little girl in m
y dreams went from being A’Miracle to me.

  Suddenly, I was a little girl again, about eleven, back in the projects of Memphis with my mother. My dream was so vivid, at that moment, that I could almost smell the bleach and Fabuloso in the air. It was one of those times my mother was clean and on her meds, those really fucking unstable times. I could remember it like it was yesterday, as I walked back into the house with her and her new boyfriend, Uncle Tim.

  Tim had just taken us all out to the Delta Fair and we had an almost decent time filling up on candy, popcorn, and corn dogs; treats we never got unless we got the shit ourselves. We had dropped Sha off with his daddy and Terricka with a friend before going to the house, so I was really anxious to get to my room as soon as we got in the house. History had taught me that living with my mother was unpredictable. One minute she could be fucking Florida Evans and in an instant, turn into Monique from Precious. That was my mammy, the psycho. That moment was just as creepy because as I tried to rush down the hall, my mama called me back for more quality time.

  “Tisha, where you going? Stay in here with me and uncle Tim. We gonna watch some movies and eat popcorn. We don’t have enough quality time, especially with just you and me. Tim wants to get to know yawl individually too, so this is the perfect opportunity. Now, come on!” Denise said, rolling her eyes before flashing her fake smile again.

  I knew that meant that she was getting irritated and tired of begging me, so I reluctantly returned to the living room to sit down like I was told. Tim patted the spot next to him as I approached the couch, but I quickly sucked my teeth and rolled my eyes at him before sitting next to my mother instead. My mother elbowed me and told me I was being rude after I sat down, but Tim quickly told her not to bother.

  “Don’t do that Denise. She has a right to be leery of any man coming into her home. Don’t worry though, Tisha. Tim won’t hurt you at all. I’m a good guy,” he said sitting forward, while he laughed and flashed his crooked, yellow smile at me.

  I wanted to scream and run to my room at that moment, as he continued to laugh and send chills through my body. However, my mother used her elbow to hold me in place, while she whispered threats into my ear.

  “You better stop being disrespectful and acting ungrateful, you little nappy head bitch. Now, this nigga got money and he alright looking. I ain’t fina lose this for yo funky ass. Act like you got some sense or I will beat the fuck out of you right now. The choice is yours, Shartisha,” my mother whispered to me through clenched teeth as Tim changed the channels behind her, oblivious to what was going on.

  I could do nothing but nod my head that I understood and swallow back my cries, as tears ran down my face, and my mother turned to Tim and continued to talk like nothing had happened. I sat there in a daze through two movies before falling asleep with my head on my mother’s shoulder. I woke up some time later, as my mother got up to lock the door before changing the movie and getting back on the couch with me. To my surprise, she laid down and then pulled me up beside her, so that I could snuggle up into her chest. I felt warm, safe, and loved for the first time, as my mother wrapped her arm around me and I drifted back off to sleep.

  I felt peaceful as a little girl in that moment, lying in her mother’s arms, just like I did as an adult, holding my own daughter in my arms as we drifted off to sleep. That was a brief moment of tranquility and peace in the big ball of chaos I called my childhood. Just a brief moment in time I often wished I could pause forever.

  Chapter 4

  The peace and tranquility I felt that night with my mother didn’t last though because I woke up some time later to loud music, the smell of thick smoke, and the feeling of someone’s hands on my face. I tried to move my head but someone was holding it in place, as something soft laid across my upper half. The air around me was stale, stuffy, and smelled of breath and smoke, as I squinted and tried to take in fresh air.

  I started to panic as my heart raced and I tried to move my head again, only to have it jerked to the right side. I felt terrified as I thought about opening my eyes and what I would see. I listened hard and could hear smacking and sucking sounds, followed by the striking of a lighter in the background against the t.v. noises. I couldn’t understand what was going on as someone’s lips began to cover my face, planting light, gentle kisses all over my lips and cheeks.

  My eyes instantly popped open as a tongue forcefully parted my lips and I looked straight into the red, lust filled eyes of Uncle Tim, the guy who said he wouldn’t hurt me and that he was a good guy. He stuck his tongue deep down my throat as he ran his fingers through my hair, and I could still hear the sucking sounds in the background.

  Suddenly, I could hear my mother moan and I knew that the sucking sounds were coming from her. I also knew that whatever was happening to me at that moment was because of her too. I felt paralyzed as I laid there with the fucker’s tongue down my throat, as he stopped periodically to tell me how fine I was. Just then, I felt his hand leave my hair and trace the side of my arm downward until he suddenly grabbed my tender, preadolescent, budding breasts, sending me jolting up out of the bed and running with tears in my eyes.

  I remember looking back at the door and seeing my mother naked on her knees between Tim’s legs, sucking his dick as she held a glass pipe in her hand. I knew right then that she knew what was happening to me and she just didn’t give a fuck. I couldn’t help but to scream how much I hated her, as I ran into the bathroom and washed my mouth out before hiding under the cabinet. I remember crying myself to sleep under the bathroom sink that night. I also remember wishing I was one of the roaches I saw, so that I could crawl away or get squished and never have to live with Denise again. I remember thinking anything, even death, would be better than living with my mother.

  I woke up some time later, still under the cabinet, to the feeling of heat on my left arm. The heat was so intense that I woke up screaming, as I opened my eyes and looked directly at my mother, as she pressed a hot curling iron into my left forearm. The pain and heat on my arm was so intense in my dream that I jumped awake, and almost dropped A’Miracle, only to find someone was touching me in that exact same spot.

  I looked directly into the evil, ugly face of the nigga who was in the hospital with my mama when I whooped her ass. His little short, plump, newly washed crackhead ass stood there and stared at me, still holding my arm and sending a fire through me that made me shiver. I quickly snatched my arm away from his grip and shifted my baby into my other arm before I sat up and prepared to fuck him up with my bare hands if I had to. I flicked on the light quickly and glanced around the room for my sister, only to see that she was gone before I reached for the buzzer.

  Before I could grab it, the man had sprung into action. He grabbed it up from the bed table and held it just out of my reach. I opened my mouth to scream and curse him the fuck out, as he put his finger to his lip and told me to be quiet.

  “Shut the fuck up. I ain’t gonna do shit to you. Denise just wanted me to come and deliver a little message. She said stop being so fucking stupid and come home. She said come home or else. You might want to listen because she can be very powerful and persuasive when she has to be. Remember that,” the man said as he sat the buzzer back on the table, and picked up the apple that was sitting there, and quickly bit into it.

  I watched him as he savored the bite of apple, and I cuddled my baby close and protected her from the evil he was and the evil he represented. I rolled my eyes before I grabbed the small nail filer off the bedside table I had just spotted, and indicated that I would fuck him up if he wanted to play. The fucker knew I meant business too because even though he laughed, he made his way to the door and only stopped once he was outside.

  “Remember what I said princess. Do what she says or that may be the last time you hold your baby,” the fucker said and laughed before he disappeared down the hall, and I was finally able to release the breath I had been holding the entire time.

  Tears streamed down my face and I shook
as I thought about what the man had said, while I looked at my sleeping baby. I wanted to just get up with my daughter in my arms and run out of the hospital. I wanted to run away from the miserable existence I called a life and disappear far away from everyone and everything that threatened my happiness. That’s what I wished but I knew things weren’t that easy.

  I had no money and nowhere to go, along with a brother still laying up in ICU, a missing baby daddy, and a son not even put into the ground yet. I had too much unfinished business in Memphis to leave just yet. However, once I completed the plan that slowly formulated in my mind, I knew I would be ready to leave and close that sad, pitiful chapter in my life. Only after I ended everything would I be able to sleep peacefully, knowing that everyone I loved was safe and nothing could take my piece of happiness. I had to have that security and I knew exactly how to get it.

  I sat there and thought about how I would put my plan to end the curse my mother began long before I was born into motion, as my daughter continued to sleep peacefully in my arms. Despite the evil, vengeful thoughts that ran through my mind, I couldn’t help but to stop every once in a while to look at her beautiful face and bend down to smell her breath. I almost went crazy when the nurse came in around dinner time to get A’Miracle to take her to the nursery for a bath and bottle, so that I could have some alone time.

  “I don’t want any time; I just want my baby,” I said to the nurse as she gently took A’Miracle out of my arms while she laughed.

  She thought I was playing as I continued to protest about how much I didn’t want my baby out of my sight. She thought I was bullshitting but I meant every word that I said, knowing that my evil ass mother and her minion could be lurking around any corner. I felt like I had to make the nurse truly understand what I was saying before I let her take my baby out of the room, which is why I quickly grabbed the end of A’Miracle’s bassinet, as she tried to quickly push her out of the room past me.