“Listen ahhh…” I said, while I looked at the nurse’s face carefully and then down at her name tag to see her name. “Amy. Listen nurse Amy, as you know, I lost a child today and I have a little brother up in ICU fighting for his life. Now, with all of that being said this baby, A’Miracle, is just that to me, a real miracle. She is all I have left right now, besides my sister, so I need for you to guard her with your life. My sister Terricka should be the only person, besides my foster mother Tania, who is allowed to see my baby. If it’s not them or her father, Jerrod Hill, by chance, they should not be allowed in. Please, guard my baby like you would do your own. I love her with my all of my heart and would protect her with my life, I need for you to promise me you will do the same. Bring my baby back to me as soon as she’s clean and full, in the exact same condition she is leaving in. Okay?” I said to the nurse as huge, crocodile tears fell from my eyes, and I held on to the bassinette for dear life.
The smile that was on the nurse’s face quickly disappeared as she realized I was not playing, but was very serious about her taking care of and guarding my baby. I could see compassion, understanding, and a hint of fear in her eyes, as she did her best to reassure my uneasy heart and mind that A’Miracle would be okay and come right back to me in one piece.
“I promise, Ms. Lewis; I will protect her. I will stay right there the entire time she is bathed, given her shots, and fed. I will personally transport her to and from each location, making sure everything is satisfactory before I leave you both. I won’t let anything happen to your baby, I promise. But is there anything you need to tell me Ms. Lewis? Anything the hospital should be aware of?” the nurse asked me, with concern written all over her face.
I started to blurt out that I had a psycho mother that beat and mental, physically, emotionally, and sexually abused me and both of my siblings all of our lives, who was now threatening to take my only child lurking around the hospital. I started to tell her everything that had happened along with the fears that seemed to consume my mind. I wanted to tell her everything and try once again to get help from the system, which had failed me countless times before. I wanted to, but as I looked at the nurse and then my baby while the thoughts of giving Denise everything she ever dished out right back popped up in my mind, I quickly dismissed the snitching notion.
No, I didn’t want to snitch and risk the system failing me again and letting her out only to give us back to her, so that she could hurt us worse. Hell no. I wasn’t willing to risk my child’s health and sanity, hoping that a corrupt, crooked system would protect us, although they never had. Nope, I was going to be the judge, the jury, and the executioner as soon as the opportunity presented itself and I couldn’t wait.
“No, there’s nothing. Everything is fine. I just don’t want anything to happen to my baby. I know babies get lost sometimes. I want the same one back that came out of my cooder a few hours ago,” I said to the nurse, trying to lighten the mood as she stared at me with cautious, curious eyes.
My attempt at humor worked as she laughed and assured me that A’Miracle would be okay, once again, before exiting the room. As soon as the nurse and my angel had left the room, all of the hate, anger, anxiety, and fear I had been holding inside since the fucker interrupted my sleep burst forward. Before I knew it, tears were streaking my cheeks and I was breathing hard like a dragon, as I clenched my fists and gritted my teeth.
I wanted to jump out of bed and remove the tubes and wires running all through me, only to search the halls of the hospital until I found the evil bitch who haunted my dreams and break her fucking neck. All of that fear I once had of my mother was gone and was replaced with nothing but pure malice. I hated her for all that she had done to me and all that she was still doing. I wondered would the hell I had to endure as a child ever end. I wondered would the curse my siblings and I were sure was on our family ever be lifted.
“When will I ever stop carrying her fucking sins? When does it end?” I said and cried, as I looked up at the ceiling and asked the only person I felt could help me, God.
I waited for his answers, like I had done many times before, but I could hear nothing because the hate and vengeance in my mind was too loud. I couldn’t hear God’s answers at that time because my heart was too cold. All I wanted to do was end my pain and hurting Denise was the only way I felt I could do that.
“That shit stops now! No more carrying her fucking sins. No more hurting. No more pain, little sister. That shit is about to end really soon, I promise you,” my sister Terricka said as she entered the room, as I turned to look at her and she came over to hug me.
I cried out the rest of my anger and anxiety in my sister’s arms, as she told me that Sha was doing really well and would be moved out of the ICU really soon. “He’s breathing on his own and everything. He even responded to me holding his hand today by squeezing my fingers. They say he has great brain activity and probably won’t suffer as much trauma as we expected. Doctors think Sha may make a full recovery with only minimal limitations caused by his injuries. See Tish, that evil bitch didn’t win. We will never let her win. Now, we just have to focus on the positive until we can get that bitch in front of us and tie her u…” Terricka began saying, before she suddenly stopped to look at the door.
I followed my sister’s eyes to the door as my foster mother Tania walked in slowly and I felt elation fill my body. A smile bigger than Texas spread across her face when she saw a similar smile on mine and she quickly ran into my arms. Tania and I cried and hugged for minutes, catching up on everything we had missed in between breaths. My sister joined in the hugs and happy memories as we chatted up, forgetting all of the heartache that had invaded our worlds. Soon the happiness was gone as she went over my son’s funeral arrangements for that Friday and I thought about the little handsome boy I would never know.
“There is life beyond the pain pumpkin, you just gotta believe that. I’m here for you, no matter what, and so is Terricka and dad. We can get through anything Tisha, you know that. Now, I wanted to come and get all of our personal stuff out of the way, before I spoke to you about this. The doctor is ready to come in and evaluate you, since you weren’t able to go for your 72-hour hold. She has been gracious enough to bypass some of the associated procedures and skip straight to this step. Once she clears you Tisha, we don’t have to worry about the issues with Denise trying to take the baby on the grounds that you are mentally instable. Terricka told me all about that bullshit and I want you to know that wouldn’t fly anyway. Although I never saw any of the horrible things she did to yawl, I know all of it is true, just like the courts do, and I will do whatever I can to protect yawl. I already spoke to Officer Black and told her everything I know. I don’t want you to worry about anything. Just get through this eval and get back to loving on your baby. I’ll handle everything else. Okay?” Tania asked me as I smiled and nodded my head as tears fell from my eyes.
I couldn’t believe how much she loved and cared for me, although we shared no blood bond. That alone made me know that the saying that blood is thicker than water was nothing but bullshit. From past experiences, I knew that blood only made you related. Loyalty and love was what made you family, and with that in mind, I felt like I would never have a family with my mother.
That’s why I decided never to try again. I decided eradiating the beast was way better than trying to tame it. That’s why I got through that evaluation with ease and told the psychologist exactly what I knew she wanted to hear, although in my mind, death was all I saw. After the brief evaluation, the doctor cleared me and I felt that weight lift off my shoulders. That relief didn’t last long though because my sister quickly brought me back to reality, as soon as Tania had left.
“You know now that they have deemed you sane, Denise gonna try something else. Know that the bitch is going to press charges now. You gotta be prepared mentally, lil sis. She about to throw everything she has at us; we just have to be strong. As long as we can keep A’Miracle and Shamel out of her
hands, everything will be fine. Shakeim has already petitioned for custody of Sha and got it temporarily. As far as A’Miracle goes, Tania is petitioning and I spoke with Jerrod’s brother yesterday. His mama is back living in the city and said she will go file for custody first thing Monday,” Terricka said, as my heart started to race when she said Jerrod’s name.
Terricka could see my anticipation too because she quickly smiled and squeezed my hand before she continued. “Yes, I spoke to Keith and you know I asked about Jerrod. Neither one of them has heard from him still, but the hood said he locked up. Buddy turned up in a jail right outside of Texas, close to the Mexico border on trafficking charges, about four months ago. Word just got back to the hood but no one still hasn’t talked to him to ask about Jerrod. We’re gonna find him though sis, I promise,” Terricka said to me, as she rocked me gently in her arms, like a mother was supposed to do.
Chapter 5
Suddenly, I felt familiar butterflies in my stomach as all of my emotions swirled around in my heart and exploded from my mouth like vomit. All of my deepest, darkest thoughts poured out of me at that moment, in the form of a rap, as I took on the fuck the world persona my sister always displayed.
“Fuck the sins of my mother, cause I ain’t crying no moe,
No more fear and no more tears, leave that shit at the doe.
No more hurt take back yo curse, I’ll pull myself out the gutta,
Now it’s time for us to shine, FUCK The SINS OF THY MOTHER!
Yeah fuck the sins of a mother who don’t care bout shit else,
Since day one it’s been about her she only care bout herself.
Through all the pain and the abuse, I still had love in my heart,
I still wanted to honor my mother with my world falling apart.
Cried myself to sleep at night praying the Lord end my pain,
Seeing my sister misused and my brother abused enduring mental strain.
Age 11 with the weight of the world baring down on my shoulders,
Three lonely lost kids with no one left to loves us.
They told us shit would get better but that day never came,
Not until I said fuck the world, now this shit ain’t the same.
I’m out for vengeance, no forgiveness, I’m on some eye for an eye shit,
It’s payback, ain’t no way back, it’s time to murk us a bitch.
See in this game of life, aggression is power and a pussy don’t win,
So this prey has turned to predator, making sinners pay for their sins!” I rapped with so much passion and raw rage you could almost see my words.
I saw a hint of surprise and admiration develop in my sister’s eyes as she joined in the chorus with me, and silently sealed our pact to one another. Without saying it, we vowed to do what we had to do to get rid of Denise, together. I could tell from the way my sister looked at me that she saw something in me that she had never seen before and that something was exactly what I needed to defeat evil.
“Okay lil sis, I see wassup. You wonna get into some gangsta shit, you know I’m ready. As soon as we know the kids are safe, we can get this shit in motion and end it once and for all. It’s time to end this. You ready?” my sister asked me, just as the nurse rolled my bundle of joy back into the room, and I remembered exactly what I was fighting so hard for.
Just seeing the beautiful little red girl with big brown eyes as she stared and smiled up at me was enough for me to slay the biggest, baddest dragon around, and that dragon was my mother. “I would walk through hell for this little girl, so damn right, I’m ready,” I said to my sister as I picked my baby up into my arms and pushed my hate to the back of my mind, for the moment.
I concentrated on nothing but the beautiful smiling baby in my arms as my sister and I told stories to A’Miracle, like we used to do Sha when we were kids. We talked and laughed all day until the nurse came in and told us that visiting hours were over. My sister told me that she would be back bright and early the next day before she kissed me gently on the head. I watched her walk to the door behind the nurse with her head down, and I could tell exactly what was on her mind. I knew she didn’t want me up worrying all night about what would happen to me, Sha, and my baby. I knew that wasn’t what she wanted, but I also knew that was exactly what I would do, once I was alone. Terricka knew it too, which is why she turned to talk to me, once she reached the door.
“Tisha. Everything is gonna work out for the best. Okay? Trust me. Nothing last forever, not even pain. Get some rest…I love you,” my big sister said as I smiled at her.
I loved when Terricka got all mushy and prolific. That side of her was much better than the high, thugged out, I-don’t-give-a fuck side that I had grown used to seeing. I hated that side of her that was so much like my mother. However, with what we had planned, I knew that we needed that side. I also knew that I needed to channel that dark side I had discovered. I knew that would be no problem though as I looked down at my motivation and reason to push forward. A’Miracle was all the push I needed to do what had to be done, even lie to my sister.
“I gotcha big sis. I’m about to snuggle with A’Miracle and get some sleep. I only got two more days before I have to do the hardest thing I will ever do in my life. I think I will need the strength. Don’t worry about me though sis, you just be safe. I love you, T,” I said to my sister, as she covered her heart with her hand and I did the same.
In seconds, Terricka and the nurse had disappeared out of the door and another one came in with a cleanly changed bassinette for A’Miracle. “Ms. Lewis, would you like for me to lay A’Miracle down so that you can get some sleep? You look really tired. I know you have been through a lot and you want to be sure your baby is safe, but know that I am watching her just as much as you are. She is a sweet, beautiful baby and we all just adore her. We would never let anything happen to her. I will be right here at the nurse’s station all night, where I am in clear view of your room, no one will come in there other than us. Rest Ms. Lewis, you need it for what’s ahead of you,” the nurse said as she leaned in to take A’Miracle out of my hands.
I looked up into the serene, warm green eyes of the nurse with blonde hair and peach skin, as she smiled and reassured me that my baby would be safe with her eyes. I let A’Miracle go after a few seconds and fell back against my pillow and watched the nurse snuggle my baby up against her before placing her in the bassinette. Although I wanted my baby to sleep right there with me, in my arms, I knew that I would not be able to rest properly like that.
That’s why I went ahead and let the nurse place her in her own bed as I snuggled down into the stiff, white covers and prepared to let fatigue take me. I could barely keep my eyes open as I watched the nurse change A’Miracle and then roll her bed over to mine. I reached my hand out and touched my sleeping baby’s head, satisfied that she was close enough to protect, before closing my eyes. I could hear the nurse snicker as she walked over to the door and turned the light off and stopped, right before she left out.
“Goodnight Ms. Lewis. It’s very heartwarming to see such a caring, loving, and devoted mother at your age. Not even eighteen yet and you know what it takes to be a great mom. A’Miracle is a very lucky little girl,” the nurse said before she exited the room and left me feeling warm and tingly inside.
I fell asleep with the nurse’s words still ringing in my ears and my hand on my baby’s back, as I wondered how I could be such a great mother already with no real example. The next thing I heard was A’Miracle’s cries sometime later, as I quickly sat up in bed, immediately sticking my hand in her bassinette to soothe her. When I didn’t feel her plump little body under my hand, I quickly snapped the light on to see that she was gone. Panic took over me and before I knew it, I jumped up out of bed and ripped the IV out of my arm. I didn’t even care about the blood running down my arm like water from the wound, as I focused my eyes and looked around the room I was in.
I could still hear A’Miracle’s cries as I searched the empty
room frantically, like an angry lioness who had lost a cub. When I stormed past the bathroom door, I heard my baby’s screams suddenly stop, as my heart raced in my chest and traveled up into my throat. I could hardly breathe as I grabbed the doorknob and turned it, and slowly opened the door. When I opened the bathroom door and the bright red blood that covered the walls hit my eyes, I instantly felt weak at the knees.
I felt paralyzed in utter disbelief as I looked directly at the devil, as she held my baby’s lifeless body in her hands and blood trickled down into puddles on the floor. The scalpel Denise held in her hand was still covered in blood as she sliced at the skin on my daughter’s back, leaving deep, wide, gashes of torn flesh. I had never seen something so horrific in my entire life, and I tried to tell myself it wasn’t real as my body was taken over by violent shakes. I opened my mouth to scream as I charged forward with my hands out and tried to rip my child from the devil’s grip. However, nothing came out when I opened my mouth, but Denise’s voice filled the air instead.
“SEEEEE, TISHA!” Denise yelled as she quickly kicked me in the stomach, as I advanced on her, and knocked me back on to the floor. I hit my head on the metal bar on the bottom of the bed as I fell to the ground, still reaching out for my baby. Denise was over me in an instant, still holding A’Miracle’s lifeless body as her head dangled like a rag doll.
“I told you to bring yo funky ass home. I TOLD YOU! Four months until you’re eighteen and you would’ve been free. That was four months of me collecting your check, the check for that dead baby, Sha’s, and this little bitch’s. Four whole months and you took that from me, so I took something from you. I told you a long time ago, Tisha, that you would never win. I meant that. Now, her blood is on your hands. You hear me? YOUR DAUGHTER’S BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS SHARTISHA!” Denise yelled down at me as she threw my baby’s body into my out stretched hands, and I began to cry hysterically.
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