I held my baby close as her warm blood ran through my fingers and my body trembled in misery. I could hear Denise circle me on her way to the door as I cried and teetered on the brink of insanity. “I win… I told you I would,” Denise said as she walked out of the room and left me sitting in a puddle of my newborn’s blood, while I bawled my heart out.
“Noooooo!” I screamed as the words trapped behind the walls of my heart finally burst forward, and I stared at the lost soul in my hands.
“HELP ME PLLLLLEAAAASSSSEEEEEEE!” I screamed over and over again but no one ever came.
Just then, the sound of a baby crying jolted me out of my sleep. My eyes snapped open instantly and I sat up in bed, cut the light on and looked down into the bassinette to see my beautiful baby girl wide awake. At that moment, I realized all of the horrible things I saw and felt were a dream, even though they felt so real. I looked around the room quickly for any signs of Denise before turning my hands over to search for blood. After seeing nothing and calming the screams that were ringing in my ears internally, I grabbed my baby up and held her close to me and soothed her until she stopped crying.
“Mama got you A’Miracle and I will never let you go, I promise. I will always love you and protect you. You will never have to suffer for my sins…I promise,” I vowed to my newborn as she latched on to my breast and drunk while she looked up into my eyes.
I felt a loving connection and bond so strong, I knew nothing could ever break it as I stared at the only piece of me that was innocent and pure. I planned to keep her that way too, which is why I knew I had to follow through with my plan. I went about the rest of my morning like I normally did, playing with and talking to my baby in between tests, medication, and grief counselling. The woman assigned to me was an older black lady about fifty, with salt and pepper hair, thick black cat woman glasses, and deep dimples. Her name was Mrs. Avery and she was as sweet and understanding as they come.
Mrs. Avery helped me to talk about the devastation I felt when Jerrod disappeared and how those feelings resurfaced when I lost Jerrod Jr. By the time I left her office on the second floor that day, I had a lot less grief to carry around on my shoulders. She helped me to recognize my pain so that I could deal with it and move on, which was something I thought I would never do. When I got back to my room, I was greeted by my sister and foster mother Tania, as they both sat in the visiting chairs in my room and passed A’Miracle back and forth between them.
“Hey sweetie. How are you feeling?” my foster mother asked, as she jumped up to hug me and help me back in bed.
I smiled from my heart as I looked up into her caring eyes and saw the love that I never got from my own mother. I knew that my siblings and I were lucky to have been placed with Tania and her family, and I was so grateful for that. I couldn’t hide my elation as I grabbed Tania close to me, and hugged her again before I turned to my sister.
“I’m alright yawl, I really am. I think everything just may be okay,” I said to them both with tears of joy in my eyes, as I watched my sister lovingly kiss A’Miracle’s head.
For the first time in my short life, I was optimistic that my happiness was just around the corner, although I still had a huge void in my heart. That was a void that probably could never fully be filled and I was okay with that. For the two days following that, I went through a battery of tests to ensure all of the sexual violence I had gone through hadn’t done lasting damage.
Medical professionals and police questioned me concerning all of the internal vaginal damage I had but to my surprise, my answers to their questions were limited. When presented with the opportunity to spill my guts and talk about all of the horrendous things my mother did to me and my siblings, I passed up the opportunity. I figured there was no use telling them the same things I had said countless times before. I didn’t want to go through reliving all of the gross, unnatural things my mother made me do again, only to be deemed a liar, insane, violent, or dismissed altogether and be sent back to live with her in hell, like I’d been done many times before.
For the life of me, I couldn’t see what would be the difference this time and after that dream, I didn’t want to give her a chance to get her hands on my baby. It wasn’t like they would believe me at that moment when they wouldn’t believe me as a little girl. That’s why I made my decision. I wasn’t going to try to get the system to help me anymore, I was going to help my fucking self. I was going to create my own happiness by getting vengeance.
By the time Friday morning rolled around, A’Miracle and I were medically clear to leave but we still had nowhere to go. I sat on my hospital bed that morning, dressed in a white pants suit and I held A’Miracle, in her beautiful white dress, as Tania, Terricka, and a short, white lady walked into the room. My heart raced as soon as I saw the serious, tight smile on my sister’s face. I knew Terricka like a book, so seeing her trying so hard to fight her true feelings let me know that the happy bubble I had been living in for the past few days was about to burst. I couldn’t stop my heart from racing and could barely catch my breath as I looked from my sister to Tania, with anxiety and fear written all over my face.
“Hey beautiful and little gorgeous, how are my favorite girls doing today?” my foster mother asked, while she tried to smile through the obvious sadness and despair surging through her heart.
I watched in silence, holding back the tears threatening to break free, as she took A’Miracle in her hands. I waited patiently for the storm cloud that had followed me around all of my life to make its appearance, as my sister came around to sit beside me on the bed and wrap her arms around me. I turned to look at Terricka with tears in my eyes as she told me what my heart already knew without saying a word. I felt my world shatter as Terricka held me tighter and whispered in my ear that she would never leave me, no matter what. In that instant, my life changed forever, once again, and there was no turning back.
Chapter 6
“Tisha, this is Mrs. Dugger and she works for Child Protective Services. She’s here to talk to you about temporary placement for you and A’Miracle,” Tania said, as she tried to smile as tears streamed down her face.
I couldn’t help but to moan out loud and sigh while I attempted to get out of the bed, as Terricka held me closer to her and told me to wait.
“Wait a minute, Tisha. I know that’s not what you want baby, but hear us out. My petition for custody of you and A’Miracle hasn’t gone through yet, so you all will have to be placed in another temporary foster home. But baby, they promise to ty their best to get you both in the same home and you will be happy to know that Shakeim’s petition for Shamel went through today and soon as he is released, he can go home with his father, where he will be safe. Baby, I know that you are scared and so am I, but Tisha, you have to be strong and trust me when I say I will take care of this. You AND A’Miracle will be home with me soon, I promise,” Tania said, as tears continued to fall from her eyes and tears of my own fell down my face.
I cried my heart out for the little innocent girl I had brought in the world, who would now be placed into an unjust system that would never take care of her. I couldn’t believe how fate had played me and caused me to create the same kind of pain in my child’s life that my mother had given me. A’Miracle was going to have to suffer for my sin of being born and there was nothing I could do about it. I felt hopeless and drained as I held on to my sister and continued to cry, and she did the same while she rocked me in her arms. In less than a week, I was about to lose two of the most important people in my life, due to no actions of my own, and I could do nothing. I couldn’t help but to cry out, “Why?” as Terricka tried again to soothe me and the short, white lady who stood off to the side finally stepped forward to speak.
“Hello Tisha, I’m Mrs. Avery, just like Mrs. Robinson said and I am in charge of you and A’Miracle’s case. Let me start by sending my condolences for the loss of your son. I know that is a pain that is unexplainable. I would also like to say that I will do everything i
n my power to keep you and your daughter together and put you both somewhere safe. That is my word. Please, do not let this consume you when you already have so much more to face this morning. I just wanted to be with you during this event to offer strength, as I too lost a child recently and I understand what a grief like that can do to you. Once everything is over however, I will have to take you and the baby to your new placement,” Mrs. Avery said as Terricka put her forehead to mine, like we used to do when we were kids.
I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to drown out everything the case worker was saying, as well as all of the voices in my head telling me that pain was my fate all the time. I felt defeated as the reality of what was happening really sunk in and I realized my hell would never end.
“Terricka, when will this ever be over? I can’t keep going on like this. I just can’t. I’m tired T, I’m tired! I give up!” I said as tears fell hard and fast from my eyes, and my sister pushed my head back to look at me.
“Just hold on Cupcake, don’t give up. I told you I got you. Your sunshine coming Tish, just hold on.” I heard my uncle’s voice say as I looked in my sister’s eyes and her strength transferred into me. It was like my uncle was giving my sister strength to be my strength, as his words played in my mind and their love filled my heart.
“We can get through this Tisha, I promise. No matter where you go, I’ll be there. I just got me a job too. Next, I’ll get an apartment, so as soon as you turn eighteen, you and A’Miracle can come live with me. I’m gonna take care of you lil sister. You just gotta hold on a little while longer. Our sunshine is coming Tish, you just gotta hold on. Can you do that for me? Can you do it for her?” Terricka asked as she looked over at A’Miracle, who was snuggled up in Tania’s arms fast asleep and oblivious to the chaos unfolding around her.
I knew that everything my sister was saying was true and that she would never willingly leave my side, and that was all of the reinforcement that I needed. I sucked up that sorrow threatening to invade my mind and replaced my heartache with anger. I remembered all of the vile things Jerome and my mother did to me and all of the people she and Duck sold me to, and suddenly, I had all the strength I needed to make it through the most horrible day of my life.
“I can do it, big sis. I can get through anything. I already lived through hell, so why should this be any different. I will never forget the life I lost today and I will never forget the reason why he is gone,” I said as big tears rolled down my cheeks and my sister wiped them away with her thumbs.
“All of this is Denise’s fault and I will make her pay sister, if it’s the last thing I do. Someday soon, she will feel a pain ten times worse than we ever did. That’s my word. I’m doing this for my baby and for Sha,” I said and hugged my sister once again.
After releasing all of my pain talking to my sister, Tania and Mrs. Avery helped us to gather all of me and A’Miracle’s things, and we left the hospital headed to my son’s funeral service and final resting place. When we pulled up to MJ Edwards funeral home on Elvis Presley, I felt numb on the outside but overwhelmed with emotions within. All I could see was my baby’s transparent, underdeveloped body in my arms and feel the overwhelming sadness that consumed me the moment I held him.
As my body began to shake uncontrollably and my sister reached back to rub my shoulder, all I could do was try to understand how someone so loving, who wanted to love on and care for a baby so badly, could have one snatched away from her before she even heard the sound of his voice. It just wasn’t fair that I had to suffer a loss greater than I ever knew existed, while my mother went through her miserable life inflicting nothing but pain on the children she was blessed with. That shit just didn’t seem right and I couldn’t accept it, as I sat there balling and my sister and foster mother tried to console me.
“It’s going to be okay, Tisha. Baby, I promise your pain will ease. I don’t know how you feel right now baby, but we’re here for you. I am going to give you this Xanax to help relax you and help you through this. God got you baby. We got you,” Tania said as she reached back and placed a little blue pill in my mouth, while she handed me a bottle of water.
I quickly swallowed down the pill and hoped that it would take away that sadness looming over me and let my anger resurface to keep me on task. I didn’t want to dwell in sorrow and pain like I had done all of my life because I was sick and tired of being tired. I liked the feeling my need for vengeance gave me and I loved the thought of finally seeing my mother get what she deserved even more.
“Just sit here for a minute and let the pill work baby. You will feel better really soon,” Tania said to me as I handed her the water back and sat back in my seat and closed my eyes as tears continued to stream down my face.
A whirlwind of thoughts, visions, and emotions swirled in my mind as I sat there, and my foster mother and sister talked quietly in the front seat. I let my mind drift back to that day I met Jerrod at my sister’s trap house and I felt love for the first time. I missed him so much and needed him more than ever, as I prepared to lay our first son to rest. I needed him there with me but I knew that wouldn’t happen.
Suddenly, all of the emotions I was feeling began to fade away as a warm, tingly feeling surged through me. The effects of the Xanax Tania gave me hit me hard at once, and left me feeling dazed and light as a feather. When she asked me was I ready to go inside, I didn’t hesitate as I grabbed my beautiful sleeping baby out of her car seat and handed her to Tania to hold. Terricka grabbed my hand and led me to the funeral home as we met a smiling Mrs. Avery at the door.
I closed my eyes and swallowed down the lump in my throat, pushing back the tears threatening to break free, as the doors to the funeral home opened and dozens of sad, sorrowful faces turned to look at us. I felt like I was walking through fog as I floated down the aisle and took my seat on the front row right in front of the tiny blue coffin. Once seated, Terricka took my hand in hers and squeezed it tightly as tears rolled down my cheeks, and I kept my eyes trained on the baby sized box in front of me.
When the pastor started delivering his eulogy, I completely zoned out and only focused on the tiny box. The royal blue marble finish shone under the bright lights of the funeral home and made it appear to sparkle. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it as tears continued to stream down my face but no sounds came out of my mouth, and the pastor talked about the beautiful soul that was called home far too soon. I remained in my daze, oblivious to everything going on around me until I saw someone walk over and open the lid to the coffin.
My legs and butt felt glued in place as the pastor told me to come up to view my son, but my mind and body refused. I wasn’t ready to look at him yet and I wasn’t ready to make it final, so I told the pastor to let everyone else go first before I reached over to take A’Miracle out of Tania’s arms. I felt numb once again as Tania kissed my forehead followed by Terricka, and they both got in line to say their final goodbyes. I held my baby close to me and kissed her little head and tried to ignore my pain, as people walked over to hug me and offer their condolences.
I tried to look at the faces of the people who hugged me and handed me envelopes filled with money as they passed, but my eyes were so filled with tears that every face that I saw was a blur. The line of 30-40 people went by quickly, as I sat there shaking while I held my baby and tried to keep my shit together. I tried hard to think of where those people with their sorrowful eyes and fat wallets were when my siblings and I were suffering, but I couldn’t for the life of me. All I could do was think of all I’d gone through. I could feel the effects of the pill wearing off as my true emotions threatened to burst forward, and I got up on my shaking legs. My heart raced like a herd of wild horses in my chest as I concentrated on holding my baby and walking over to see the one I could never hold again. My sister could tell I was struggling as she suddenly appeared at my side. She took A’Miracle into her arms and looped her forearm in mine.
“I told you, I got you…forever little sis,” Terricka whispe
red to me as I took a step forward on Bambi legs and the milk chocolate little angel in the shiny blue box came into view.
It was like time stood still and all oxygen was suddenly sucked out of the room when I trained my eyes on the tiny brown baby dressed in a blue Memphis Tigers rompers set with matching hat and booties. My baby looked so peaceful and beautiful, just like he was asleep as he laid there in the tiny blue box. I thought my heart would explode in my chest as it raced madly, and my breath became short and shallow. I tried to fight the sorry and anxiety building inside me, but it was impossible while I looked at my baby lying there lifeless.
Terricka tightened her grip on my arm as we walked close enough to the tiny box where I could reach out and touch my baby. My legs felt like jello and my hands shook as I reached out and caressed my son’s cold, hard skin. He didn’t even feel real as I ran my fingers across his forehead and down his cheek, and my tears fell into the coffin with him.
“Mommy and daddy loves you, my prince. Uncle Scooby will take care of you in heaven. Just promise to save a place for me, daddy, and A’Miracle. I will love you forever my son and I will never forget about you,” I whispered to my baby, as I leaned into the coffin to kiss him one last time.
My body shook and my tears continued to fall heavy and fast, as I placed small kisses all over my son’s head while my sister rubbed my back. As I stood up on wobbly legs and prepared to return to my seat, gasps and quiet chatter could be heard all around me, which caused me to turn around to see what it was.
When I turned and noticed my mother walking down the aisle in a red pants suit with her little chubby boyfriend following close behind her, I almost died. I couldn’t believe she had the audacity to show up at my baby’s funeral when she was partly the reason he was gone. I couldn’t help but to blame her after all she put me through my entire pregnancy. Hell, what she put me through my entire life. Everything fucked up in my life was her fault and I was tired of her not owning up to her shit.
SINS OF THY MOTHER 3 Page 5