SINS OF THY MOTHER 3

by Niki Jilvontae

  They all thought I was this little whore who ran the streets and fucked and that was how I got pregnant. However, I got pregnant by force, right under their fucking noses. Your grandma and grandpa knew about it too. I know that because I saw them as they watched him fuck me from the back in the pantry during Christmas dinner one year. A piece of me died that night Tisha and after that, I just didn’t give a fuck anymore. I became exactly who they said I was and set out to only please self. I didn’t know then, but that is when my bipolar/manic depressive disorders kicked in and I fell into a world of drugs, sex, misery, and pain. I felt worthless after that and just wanted to die, but somehow, I pulled myself together.

  I went through bouts with my disorders for years as y’all grew up having extreme highs and very low lows. I hated hurting you and your siblings but that hurt little girl inside of me just wouldn’t let me care. I really love you, Tisha and I would do anything for you, but I know now that the best thing for you is to just let you go. I do want to see you. Maybe you can come for Christmas and I can see my grandbaby for the last time. After that Tisha, I will stay out of y’all lives forever, I promise. I just had to say this and get it off my chest. I don’t want your forgiveness either, so don’t feel obligated to give it. I don’t deserve to be forgiven for the vile shit I’ve done. However, baby, I need for you to let the pain, hurt, and hate go so that you won’t pass it on to your child.

  We have to break this cycle Tisha and it starts with you. It may be too late for Terricka, being that she was born out of such horrible circumstances, but you Tisha. You can still have a happy life and clean heart. Just let go baby. And please, if you love your sister, don’t tell her that my uncle is her father. I don’t know what something like that might do to her. That girl is more like me than I like to admit and that’s what I’m afraid of most. Love on your sister Tisha, and your brother. But stay close to Terricka and make sure she always knows she is loved and has you to have her back. You are your sister’s keeper! I love you baby!

  With love, sorrow, and regret,

  Your mother

  Tears poured out of my eyes like water from a faucet as I held on to that letter like it was the key to save the world. I sat there on my bed and cried for a long time, just holding the letter and remembering my mother’s face. I wished at that moment that I could turn back the hands of time and get a chance to talk to the mother who wrote that letter. I wished that I could just start over as a baby and have a chance at a normal life again. I wished, but I knew my wishes would never come true, so I decided to just accept what had happened and whatever would happen to me as a result.

  “I love you too mama and I’m sorry, but we had to do it. Now, maybe you can be happy and normal,” I said as I looked up at the ceiling and wiped away the last tear on my face.

  After reading my mother’s letter, I had a newfound desire to reconnect with my sister and save her from the curse that had ruined generations. After folding up the letter and putting it into the pocket of my jeans, I went over to the phone and dialed my sister’s number for the thousandth time. I had called Terricka all day every day since we dropped them off and still, she wouldn’t answer. I felt nervous and had a heavy heart as I stood and looked out the window, and the phone rang in my ear. The phone rang ten times before Terricka finally answered and sighed before she said anything.

  “What is it, Tisha? You just not gonna give up huh?” Terricka said dryly, as I fought back the tears, ready to break free.

  I had never, in seventeen years, heard my sister talk so coldly to me, not even when we fought. My heart shattered as I imagined a life without my big sister to lead and guide me. I couldn’t let that happen because she was all I had, so I swallowed my pride and did what I knew I should do.

  “T, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for having a big ass mouth, but I love you, sister. That’s the only reason I said it. I didn’t know you hadn’t told Buddy. How could I have known that, Terricka? You broke my heart when you said we were sisters no more. We all we got Terricka. It’s not like we have a mother anymore,” I said as I heard Terricka suck in her breath.

  I regretted ever mentioning our mother, as there was a long silence followed by Terricka sucking her teeth.

  “Look Tisha. I hear you, but right now, I can’t even deal with this,” my sister said as she broke my heart again.

  I couldn’t let it go that easily though, especially after seeing that she was going to be salty no matter what I said. I had just apologized for running my fucking mouth and that still wasn’t good enough for her to forgive me. Just knowing that she was so close to slipping away and being a version of our mother scared the shit out of me and motivated me to keep pushing.

  “Terricka, there was a fire at grandma’s house, it was on the news. Mama dead. Didn’t you hear me? We don’t have a mother anymore. She was changing too T, for real,” I said as I pretended not to know about my mother, in case someone was listening. As I talked, I took the letter out of my pocket and then I told her about the tapes.

  Terricka just listened quietly as I told her about the tapes and then read the letter to her. When I got to the parts about our uncle, Terricka’s real father, I skipped past them quickly and then waited on her to respond. I waited for what seemed like a year before my sister broke the silence with a cough before she spoke.

  “Let me say this in a way that you understand, Shartisha. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. FUCK DENISE, AFTER ALL THE SHIT SHE DID. SHE WAS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT WHO SOLD AND BEAT HER OWN KIDS, SO WHO GIVES A FUCK? STOP TRYING TO SAVE THE WORLD TISHA AND WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF FOR A CHANGE. CONCENTRATE ON YOUR DAUGHTER AND HOW YOU WERE ABLE TO SAVE HER FROM THE MONSTER. FUCK SYMPATHY! FUCK DENISE!!” Terricka yelled into the phone as my tears finally broke free.

  I sat the phone down in my lap as I cried when I suddenly heard someone banging on the door downstairs. I got up quickly and ran over to lock my bedroom door when I heard someone yell MDP and then put the phone back to my ear.

  “Tisha, TISHA. What’s going on? What’s all the commotion I hear?” Terricka yelled on the other end of the phone once I put the receiver back to my ear.

  I felt like all of the air had been squeezed out of my lungs as I stared at the door and heard the footsteps of cops as they approached my door.

  “Terricka, the police here, what do I do? I can’t do this without you, sister? I can’t live without you. I might as well tell them it was me and go to jail if you won’t forgive me,” I cried as Tania knocked on my door and told me to open it up because the police wanted to speak to me.

  “Hold on a second!” I yelled as I paced the floor in front of my dresser and waited on my sister to say something.

  “Tisha, it’s gonna be alright. I love you and I will never leave your side. I was just mad. I been hella emotional lately for no reason. Well, for a reason, but you get what I’m saying. You know I love you, sister, You my ridah forever and I’m yours. I am my sister’s keeper. Now, just don’t say anything because you don’t know anything. You left that house when we rescued you from that nasty ass sex party. All of the junkies in that house probably started that damn fire. Now, just stick to that until I see you because I’m sure they’re on their way to get me too. Stay strong sister, we’ve been through much worse. Don’t let them break you, Tish,” Terricka said just as the police burst open my door and I hung up the phone.

  “Shartisha Lewis?” a tall white policeman with blonde hair and bright green eyes asked me as he walked over to me to take the phone out of my hand.

  “Yes, I’m Shartisha. What is this about?” I asked, playing dumb as I felt my strength grow.

  After I heard that my sister still had my back and I had someone else to depend on, all of the thoughts of confessing quickly left my mind and I thought about what I would say when the time came.

  “We need to talk to you in regards to your mother’s death. Did you know your mother was dead?” the officer asked me as I looked at him like he was crazy and folded my arms.

 
“I just found out from my foster mother this morning, but I still don’t know what happened. How did she die?” I asked with the most innocent, concerned face I could muster.

  I could tell the punk ass police didn’t believe a word I said as the woman cop who came with the tall one came over and grabbed my arm.

  “Well, it seems Ms. Lewis, that your mother was murdered. We don’t know any specifics right now, but your boyfriend’s car was seen leaving the scene. We just need to speak with you to clear some things up. You’ll be back with your baby before you know it,” the police woman said as she led me out of my room past Tania, while she held A’Miracle and cried.

  I walked with them casually, not worried about anything that would come. With the letters in my pocket and copies of the tape that I had already sent to Officer Black and the news, I knew that the truth, my truth, would set me free. I rode downtown with the two cops quietly, as they chatted about cases in the front. I didn’t even make a sound until the woman officer attempted to make small talk with me to gain information.

  “So, your mother was killed and you didn’t even cry when I told you the news. That’s a bit odd, don’t you think?” the police lady asked as she turned to look at me and I looked out the window.

  I couldn’t help but to smirk to myself after she said that shit. She thought I was dumb as fuck or just a kid, as she tried to use that bullshit psychology tactic to evoke emotion in me. What she didn’t know was I had seen and been through even worse shit than she had seen, and I wasn’t about to let some green ass beat cop shake me off my square. No, my sister had put me back into the right frame of mind, so the only shit I had to say was related to my truth.

  “I wonder if you would cry for a mother who sold you and beat you since you were old enough to walk. I don’t think you’d be at a candle light vigil with a R.I.P. shirt on for the devil. So, I guess that answers yo question. Huh?” I said calmly as I watched surprise grow in the cop’s eyes.

  My sudden boost of malice took her off guard as I watched her search her mind for the right thing to say.

  “So, your mother was abusive? Why were y’all in her home if that’s true? Why didn’t you tell someone? I just can’t wrap my mind around that Tisha, unless the only reason you’re telling me this is to create a defense. Is that it, Tisha?” the cop asked with this know-it-all, smug ass look on her face.

  I wished I had a bottle of battery acid at that moment, so that I could splash it in her face and melt that shit right off. How dare that bitch patronize me when the scars on my face and the rest of my body, along with the various reports and removals we had over the years, told the same story? I couldn’t believe how stupid the muthafuckas who were supposed to serve and protect us really could be, but it really was not a surprise. They had failed us our entire lives, so I don’t know why I thought that time would be any different. After seeing the lady cop look at the man with skepticism, I knew it wasn’t and I wasn’t going to argue with them.

  “Okay, you know it all, so I might as well shut the hell up. Oh, by the way, am I being arrested or just questioned because if I’m being arrested…I WANT A LAWYER.” I yelled as the officer wiped that smug smile off her face and then turned to look at me again.

  “No, you’re not being arrested Tisha, but we do want to talk to you, so we’ll just continue this at the station,” the man cop said.

  After that, I sat back and remained quiet as I relived everything in my head. When we got to the station, two black detectives, one a woman and one a man, met me and took me upstairs. The woman detective, Mrs. Mason, took me into an interrogation room on the fourth floor homicide division and began to ask me a series of questions. I continued to tell her what Terricka told me to say, my truth, over and over again until she finally lost her cool.

  “LOOK, WE KNOW YOU KILLED YOUR MAMA, TISHA AND WE KNOW YOUR SISTER AND Y’ALL BOYFRIENDS HELPED. WE GOT THE DESCRIPTION OF THE CAR AND AS SOON AS THE SURVEILLANCE FROM THE STORE ACROSS THE SREET COMES BACK, YO ASS IS GRASS. So, think about yo baby Tisha and tell us what happened,” Detective Mason said, which made butterflies flap wildly in my chest.

  For the first time since I had been picked up, I felt worried, like I might actually go to jail. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat as I looked around the small room. Just then, there was a knock on the door and a young, black detective walked in. I could see people as they walked down the hall behind him, which is how I got a glimpse of Terricka. She was led by a uniformed beat cop, followed by two more who escorted Jerrod and Buddy.

  I couldn’t contain myself as I screamed out to Jerrod that I loved him and he yelled it back. The detective at the door grimaced before he slammed the door shut and walked over to hand Detective Mason a sheet of paper. I watched her face turn bright red as she read the paper and my heart beat in my throat. I could tell that the news on the paper would be bad for me, but good for their investigation when Detective Mason folded the paper and sat on the table in front of me.

  “So Shartisha, do you want to change your story before I read this paper? I’m trying to give you a chance here, so what you gonna do?” she asked me as I looked around, not knowing what to say.

  I felt the house of cards I had been living in, ever since we killed our mother, begin to sway as the detective stared me down.

  “I… I… I don’t want to say shit else, but LAWYER!” I said with the best defense I could think of.

  “Fine, have it yo way, but I can’t help you now,” Detective Mason said as she walked back over to the young Detective and told him to go get a uniformed officer.

  I knew what that meant, having lived in one of the most violent cities in the world all of my life and having watched First 48 faithfully. I knew that meant they had something they considered concrete and I was about to be placed under arrest.

  “Could you stand up please?” Detective Mason asked, as I got up on shaky legs.

  “Shartisha Lewis, you are…” Detective Mason began when suddenly, Officer Black, who was now Lieutenant Black, busted in the room and saved my ass.

  I was so relieved to see her face that I fell back into my chair to breathe as she talked to Detective Mason.

  “You dodged that bullet Tisha,” I said to myself as I closed my eyes and waited for the next wave of chaos.

  Chapter 15

  “Tisha, come with me,” Lieutenant Black said as she shook me out of my trance and pulled me to my feet.

  When I stood up and looked at her, I saw that she had a tight stern expression on her face that made my heart race. However, when we left out of the door to the interrogation room and she winked her eye at me, I knew it was all an act. When we got to her huge office on the first floor, I felt relieved even more as I walked inside, slumped down in one of her oversized chairs, and waited for what would come next. Part of me wanted to believe that she would help me, but an even bigger part of me wouldn’t let me trust her because cops had failed me so many times before.

  I glanced around her office as she closed the door and instead of sitting at her desk, she sat down in the matching over-sized chair next to me. I could tell just from that act that I actually had a chance to talk my way out of what had happened, but I still wasn’t ready to admit to her what I had done. I couldn’t admit the whole truth to her without bringing hurt to the people I loved, so I kept my mouth shut and silenced the voice that screamed in my head.

  “Tisha, what happened? Why did you leave your mother’s house?” Lieutenant Black asked me, as I thought about what I should say.

  I decided that I would tell her exactly what I told the detective, my truth, and hold the whole truth until I had no other choice. So, I went through the truthful, yet condensed version of what had happened, as I looked deep in her eyes the entire time. To my surprise, by the time I finished the story, tears rolled down my cheeks and I shivered like I was cold.

  “Oh my God Tisha, I’m sorry that had to happen again. I believe you. I believe everything you said. The night of the fire, I had a visit
from four very sad and abused kids, much like yourself. The oldest told me you sent her,” Lieutenant Black said as she rubbed my shoulder.

  “Are they ok? Where are they!” I asked as I pleaded with her to tell me with my eyes.

  “They’re safe Tisha, I promise you, but they needed some immediate help. I have them placed somewhere with a warm and loving family as I finish my investigation. Their mother is still out there and she has been trying to get them back, so I can’t tell you exactly where they are. I have to protect them since I failed you,” Lieutenant Black said as tears rolled down her cheeks.

  Suddenly, with her words, I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. Finally, I had gotten what I had looked for my entire life, someone of authority who would listen. It was a shame it was too late to make my mother pay for her sins though. However, I knew there was still hope for some retribution because all of the vile, disgusting people who had violated me and my siblings, and those who abused MeMe and her siblings, could still be arrested.

  “I don’t want you to tell me anything else right now and you don’t have to talk to anyone else from law enforcement either, just go home and take it easy. It’s some rough days ahead of us, but know that you don’t have to fight this fight because I’m going to do it for you. I owe you that much,” Lieutenant Black said as I reached over to wipe away her tears.

  “Thank you, for everything,” I said as I got up and she walked to the door.

  “Peterson, drive Ms. Lewis home please, then report right back here to my office,” Lieutenant Black said as she smiled at me warmly and I turned to walk down the hall with the uniformed officer.