“That must be her,” I said as I gestured her way. “She looks like she’s alone and she’s watching the crowd. Maybe she’s trying to figure out which ones are us.”
“Let’s go over and ask her,” Holly suggested.
I took a deep breath, repositioned my purse strap on my shoulder, and made the first move. Holly and Jen were right behind me.
The girl didn’t seem to notice us at first, but when we were within ten feet of her space, she looked our way and a tiny smile formed on her face.
We had found Sarah. It was one of those moments I knew I would never forget. There she was, standing right before us obviously anxious, maybe a little apprehensive, to meet us.
The look in her eyes was almost unsettling. Suddenly I worried that we might fail to meet her expectations. I tried to dismiss the unsure thoughts that were again invading my mind. I was on the verge of a wonderful adventure here, and yet I wanted to turn around and run. She’s just another girl, I tried to convince myself. We could have met her under any other circumstance. And then she spoke.
“I’m Sarah,” she said softly.
I wasn’t sure what to do. How does one introduce herself to her sister after years of not knowing she even existed? Should I hug her, should I shake her hand, or should our meeting be as casual as any other?
I could see she was as uncomfortable as I was. But Holly saved us both—she immediately grabbed Sarah’s hand and shook it wildly.
“We’re so glad to meet you,” she said breathlessly. “I’m Holly. This is Sandy, my sister, your sister.” She laughed nervously and then introduced Jen.
“I guess I’m the reason this is all happening,” Jen said. “You will keep it a secret, right, Sarah? If this gets out, I’m in big trouble.”
“Believe me, I don’t want anyone to know either. My mother would have a fit,” Sarah answered.
“Let’s find a place to sit down,” I said.
Most of the chairs were still occupied and we couldn’t find an entirely empty table, so we walked the mall until we saw a sitting area close to one of the escalators. We each took a seat allowing Sarah to sit in the middle. Holly began talking right away telling Sarah how pretty she was. All I could do was stare.
She was, in fact, very pretty. She had blond hair, not exactly like Mom’s or Holly’s, maybe a hue somewhere between the two of theirs. She had dark brown eyes like Mom’s and if she was taller than my 5’4”, I figured it was just by an inch or so. I noticed right away that she dressed well.
“I like your shirt,” I said.
“Mom got it for me for my birthday,” she answered.
“It’s really nice,” Holly added.
The conversation stalled, and I was burning with all sorts of questions. I decided to just go for it.
“Do you know anything about your adoption?”
She didn’t seem surprised by my first question, but Jen’s eyes nearly popped out her head, and I could see Holly squirm in her chair.
“Sandy, maybe she doesn’t want to talk about that,” Holly said.
“I don’t mind at all,” Sarah told us. “I’m just happy to be able to talk to someone about it. I don’t really know that much. Mom told me that my adoption was private and closed.”
“What does that mean?” I asked.
“Well,” Sarah began, “my adoption was handled by a doctor instead of an agency, and it was closed. That means that the birth mother and my family had no further contact once the adoption was final. Sometimes birth moms keep in touch, but that didn’t happen with my adoption.”
“So my mom hasn’t seen you since you were born, not even a picture?” I asked.
“That’s right.”
“We were wondering why she gave you away,” Holly said.
Sarah slowly shook her head and said, “Mom didn’t know. She told me she assumed my birth mom couldn’t take care of me. But I’d like to ask her myself someday. I know she was twenty when I was born. I could understand if she had been fifteen, or maybe even seventeen but she was….”
Jen was sitting quietly the whole time, but then she jumped right in with a question of her own.
“What made you decide to look for your birth mom?”
“When I was in the fifth grade, my best friend was an adoptee. She always said she was luckier than the rest of us because her mom got to pick her out, like a tomato in a fruit basket. She was special, she would always say. But I felt sorry for her. First, because her “real” mother gave her away, and then later because she never seemed to be very connected to her mom. They didn’t even look alike. Well, she moved away, but we kept in touch and when I found out about my adoption, I called her. She’s been looking for her birth mom for two years now. She feels the same way I do—I just want to know who my mother is. I just want to know my history.”
“But you have a mother—“ I said.
“And I’ve always loved her. I have certain feelings for her—mother-daughter feelings, same as my friends. And then I find out there’s another mother out there. What am I supposed to feel then? I was so confused. I could have felt for her what I was feeling for my adoptive mom. It’s strange to say this, but the bond I’m feeling for my birth mother is coming from the bond I have with my adoptive mom.” She sighed heavily. “I wish I could explain this better.”
As far as I was concerned, she was explaining things just fine.
“Since Mom hasn’t agreed to see you, what’s next?” I asked.
She sighed again. I thought I saw tears in her eyes.
“I don’t know,” she said. “I guess I could try calling her again. I just want to see her, touch her. I’m not mad, really. It’s just so frustrating that this has happened to me and I didn’t have any say in it. If I could just see her….”
“But that could be really hard on our mom,” I said. “Your birth mom, our mom, has kept you a secret for such a long time. It might be hard for her to invite you back into her life when her closest friends, not to mention family, don’t even know about you.”
“Maybe one day….” she said.
After a few awkward moments of silence, our conversation gravitated toward lighter subjects—high school, clothes, boys, siblings, just life in general. Before we knew it, our time was up and the three of us remembered that Mom wanted us home by four. We forgot all about taking some pictures.
Chapter 13
Within the next couple of weeks, Sarah and I kept in touch via e-mail, and a few times I called her on her cell phone from Jen’s house. But she didn’t mention Mom much and she only hinted that she would like to meet with Holly and me again. I couldn’t have guessed in a million years what her next objective was.
I was thinking she would want to meet us again at the mall, but trekking to the mall five blocks away from home in the hottest week of June didn’t appeal to me at all. In fact, I was satisfied with our e-mail conversations and occasional phone calls from Jen’s house.
It was during one of these calls that Sarah told me of her new plan. I was sitting on a bar stool in Jen’s kitchen when Sarah told me what she wanted to do. I yelled, “What?” and nearly fell off the stool. Thankfully, no one was home but Jen and me.
“You can’t do that!” I told her. “Mom hasn’t told me about you yet. How in the world am I going to pull that off?”
Jen was sitting right beside me and I could see she was absolutely bewildered.
“What? What is she saying?” she asked.
After protesting vehemently for several minutes, I concluded my conversation with Sarah and hung up the phone.
Jen was just as curious as ever.
“What’s the matter?” she asked. “I’m dying to know!”
“She wants to come to our house!” I cried.
“And meet your mom?”
“Kind of. Not as her daughter, but as my friend.”
There went that hair again. She slung it around to the back of her h
ead and said, “I think that’s a wonderful idea, absolutely genius.”
“It will never work. I know I can’t do this. What if Mom recognizes her?”
“She said your mom doesn’t even have a picture of her. Just because they’re related doesn’t mean she’s going to instantly know who she is,” she reasoned.
A whirlwind of emotions were exploding in my head. I knew how much Sarah wanted to meet Mom, but I still wasn’t sure how Mom would feel about my making that decision for her. I’d always been so honest with Mom—I just didn’t think I could deceive her this way. And yet there was a side of me who knew that Sarah was Mom’s child just as much as I was—there is no denying lineage no matter whose house Sarah grew up in. Would I want someone to do the same for me? I would want just a glimpse, just a moment to connect with a fractured past.
But show up at my house? No way. We had to think of another way, something not so contrived, planned. I had an idea.
“What if we meet at the mall?” I asked Jen. “We could ask Mom to take us, and we could ‘accidentally’ meet Sarah there.”
“Might work,” she responded.
“But then what would we do? Just sit around and talk? What if it gets awkward? What if Sarah decides this is her only chance to open up to Mom?”
“On second thought,” Jen said, “this might not work.”
A knot was welling up in my stomach. I couldn’t just tell her no. And yet I had to think about possible outcomes and their effect on Jen and me. The tremendous pressure Sarah was exerting on me, Jen, and my entire family seemed unfair. It was at this point that a tiny resentment was building within me. My emotions were so jumbled by now that I couldn’t think straight. But I did know one thing—this situation with Sarah was moving too fast.
“We’re not going to do this,” I said.
“What? I thought you—“
“I want her to see Mom. It’s only fair. But we can’t take any chances. I’ll tell Sarah we’ll get Mom to the mall so she can see her, only see her, not talk to her.”
“What do you mean?”
“We’ll get Mom to take us to the mall. We’ll have lunch at the food court. If Sarah wants to see what Mom looks like, she can see her from a distance.”
“That might not be good enough—for her, I mean,” Jen said.
“It has to be good enough, for right now.”
“Well, why don’t you call her and tell her?”
“Maybe I’ll e-mail her.”
“Sounds good.”
I walked home slowly from Jen’s house already formulating in my mind what I wanted to say in my e-mail to Sarah. I would tell her that I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing in planning and executing a meeting between her and Mom. I would explain that Mom’s meeting her had to be Mom’s decision as much as it was Sarah’s. By the time I got home, I was satisfied with the wording I would use, so lest I should forget, I rushed up to my bedroom and immediately started to write.
Just as I was clicking on the send button, Holly came into my room.
“E-mailing Sarah?” she asked.
I turned from my computer and told Holly to sit down.
“Holly, she wants to come here to the house. I told her no.”
Holly was nodding in agreement.
“She can’t come here,” she said. “Mom would know everything then.”
“I told her if she wants to see what Mom looks like, we’ll come to the mall and she can see her from a distance.”
“When are you going to do this?” Holly asked.
“I guess the next time Mom wants to go to the mall.”
Just then Dad popped in and told us dinner was ready.
Chapter 14
I figured I’d have a response from Sarah by the time dinner was over, and I was right. Sarah agreed to the plan and seemed to understand the reservations I was having. I told her in a return e-mail that I would let her know of a date and time though I couldn’t promise it would be very soon. She seemed satisfied.
I was laboring over details of our plan when the phone rang. It was Jen.
“What ‘cha doin’?” she asked.
“Just e-mailing Sarah,” I told her. “She’s okay with just seeing Mom from a distance.”
“That’s great because my mom wants me to go to the mall with her tomorrow. Maybe you and your mom can meet us there.”
I hadn’t thought of it until that second but it would be a very good idea for someone else to be with Mom if Sarah was to see her at the mall. That way, Sarah might not be as inclined to approach her or initiate a conversation with her.
“Jen, you are so good,” I responded. “I’ll check with Mom. But first I’ve got to check with Sarah to see if she can make it.”
“Okay, well, let me know. We’ll probably go early—it’s supposed to be really hot tomorrow.”
After returning the receiver to its cradle, I logged on to my computer and navigated directly to my inbox. Nothing new was showing so I wrote to Sarah asking her if it was possible to meet me at the mall the next day if I could persuade Mom to take me.
I waited several minutes for a reply and when none came, I left my room to search for Mom. Even if Sarah couldn’t meet with me the following day, I thought it would be fun to at least meet Jen there.
Mom was in the kitchen with Kris trying to coax her into eating a few green beans since she hadn’t eaten well at dinner earlier. But Kris wasn’t having any of it and batted at Mom’s hand every time Mom attempted to feed her.
“You want me to try?” I asked her.
“You may as well. I’m not getting anywhere.”
Kris was more receptive to me than she was to Mom, so I was able to get a few beans into her, but after a few more tries, she had had enough.
“I think that’s all she wants,” I said.
“Okay. Just throw the rest away, will you, honey? I’ll try something else later.”
I threw the remaining beans into the garbage disposal while Mom was cleaning Kris’s hands and face. I decided to casually mention the mall trip.
“Mom, Jen and Mrs. Harris are going to the mall tomorrow. You wanna go?”
“I can’t think of anything I need. But, sure. Maybe I can get a Happy Meal into Kris.”
On the one hand, I was relieved to know that our plan was progressing so well, but those apprehensive feelings were again dominating my thoughts. I wondered if I could trust Sarah to abide. I had to remind myself that Mrs. Harris would be there. Maybe everything will be okay, I thought.
Mom asked me to get Kris dressed in her pajamas, so I carried her upstairs. After dressing her, I held her on my lap while I wrote to Sarah. I didn’t have to wait long before I got a reply.
“Yes, I can come to the mall tomorrow!” she wrote. “What time?”
“We’ll be there at around ten,” I told her. “We’ll probably eat somewhere in the food court at around 11:30. Just look for Holly and me. Jen and her mom are coming, too. By the way, Mom’s hair is blond.”
I clicked the send button and immediately felt waves of guilt overtaking my whole body. I was resolved at this point to never allow anyone to coerce me into doing anything I didn’t really want to do. It wasn’t my fault that Mom gave Sarah away.
After several minutes of battling my emotions, I took Kris to my bed, tucked her in, and kissed her little cheek all the while dreading tomorrow’s trip to the mall.
Chapter 15
The next day Holly and I got up early and got Kris and ourselves dressed so quickly that Mom was almost surprised to see us at the breakfast table.
“Well,” she said. “I guess you two really want to go to the mall.”
“Yeah,” Holly answered. “Summer’s been pretty boring so far.”
I glared at Holly and she shrugged her shoulders. Mom acted as though she didn’t notice.
“Okay, girls,” she said, “I’ve got to get Kris to eat something so we’re all having her fav
orite cereal. We’ll get something at the mall for lunch.”
Holly agreed and ate heartily while I could hardly touch a bite. My anxiety level was escalating—this day could transform our summer into one we would never forget. For the first time, I wanted to cave and just tell Mom everything. But then Dad came into the kitchen.
“Are you guys ready to go?” he asked.
“In just a minute,” Mom replied. “Kris is actually eating some of this cereal.”
“Okay, I’ll wait for you then.”
Holly’s eyebrows drifted upward and her chin dropped a couple of inches.
“You’re going with us, Dad?” she asked.
I couldn’t remember the last time Dad went with us to the mall. He hated the mall and shopping and spending any amount of money. Even worse, he hated waiting on any one of us girls while we tried on clothes. But this time, he actually looked happy about going.
“I need to get away from work for awhile,” he added.
Mom looked pleased. “We’ll have a family day.”
“But, Mom, we’re meeting Mrs. Harris and Jen there,” I complained.
“They’re almost family, Sandy,” Mom answered. “Honestly, what’s gotten into you?”
“Nothing.”
“Well, then,” she said, “get the stroller and put it in the car, will you, please?”
I motioned for Holly to follow me. We found the stroller just outside the back door, and we wheeled it to Dad’s car. I glanced back toward the house to make sure no one was within hearing distance.
“I wish we could call this off, Holly.”
She didn’t look as worried as I felt. “As long as Sarah doesn’t try to actually talk to Mom, everything’s going to be okay. You’ll see.”
I was hoping she was right—I even felt a little more confident by the time we reached the mall. Within minutes of stepping into the mall, I spotted Sarah sitting on one of the benches in the center corridor. She pretended not to notice us as we passed her. All of a sudden, I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. Here Mom and Sarah were within feet of one another and it was all my doing. I decided that I had a better chance of controlling the situation if I could get to Sarah before she approached us.
“Mom, can we take Kris to the toy store?” I asked.
“I guess so. Make sure she stays in the stroller.”
Dad stepped closer to me. “Watch her close. Here. Take my cell in case you need us.”
Are You My Sister? an adoption story Page 4