Lost In His Kiss (Love, Emerson Book 4)

by Isabel North

  Lila was aware. She was talking to the woman who had high-fived Lila when Lila informed her that she and Billy Hitchin had mutually deflowered each other in their freshman year of college.

  “I’m not bashful about sex. I might, however, be somewhat reticent about my emotions.”

  Her mother laughed until her eyes watered.

  Okay, so in general, Lila didn’t hold back. It wasn’t that funny. “My Burke-related emotions,” she clarified. She knew one sure-fire way to make her mother stop giggling. “I love him, Mom.”

  Yep. That worked. Mrs. Baxter’s hilarity cut off with a whoop. “You’re in love?”

  Lila glared at the floor. “Yeah,” she grudgingly admitted, and held out her arms for the ecstatic hug she knew was coming.

  No hug.

  She glanced up.

  Her mother was tapping her lip with the empty fork. “This is bad timing.”

  “Tell me about it. Hence the bad thoughts about changing my mind and not moving to Seattle.”

  “Hmm.” Mrs. Baxter considered Lila, but didn’t add anything.

  “This is the part where you jump in with the maternal advice.”

  “Does Burke know you love him?”

  “Yes.”

  “Does he love you?”

  “Yes.”

  Mrs. Baxter chewed another forkful. “In that case, why is you leaving even a question?”

  “Because Burke loves me, but he doesn’t want to love me. It’s not just bad timing for me, it’s bad timing for him.” Lila explained Burke’s situation. “I can’t ask him to come with me. He’s not a big city guy, anyway.”

  “And he hasn’t asked you to stay?”

  “Nope.”

  “Not even hinted at it?”

  “Nope. I think he’s serious about not wanting to love me. Very flattering, by the way. We left it at me giving him space to fall out of love.”

  “He seems to be quite clear about things, then.”

  “Painfully clear. I’d be an idiot, wouldn’t I, to say no to a great new job and stay in Emerson in case one day he decided he did want to love me after all?”

  “I hate to say it, honey, but I do think it would be a mistake. I say this while freely confessing I would snatch at any opportunity to convince you to stay, because I want you to stay. No shame. But I don’t think it would be fair to either of you if you turned it down. He’s already told you he doesn’t want a future with you.”

  Lila mimed stabbing herself in the chest.

  Her mother continued, “You could accept it, respect his request for space, and move on. Or…”

  Lila perked up. Yes. This was why she had come to talk it over with her mother, the wise crone. Alternatives, options. “Or?”

  “You could stay in Emerson, jobless, and pursue him, all the while hoping that he doesn’t take out a restraining order before you can convince him to fall in line and do what you want him to do, rather than what he wants to do.”

  “I was leaning toward sticking with the respect-him plan, but now I’m torn. You paint a tempting picture. I particularly like the restraining order bit.” Lila drooped. “Oh, god. I’m going to go, aren’t I?”

  “I think you are.”

  “This sucks, Mom.”

  “It won’t hurt forever, sweetheart. You’ll get over him.”

  I don’t think I will.

  “And who knows what the future holds? Maybe you’ll move back to Emerson in a few years to be a comfort and support to your aging parents, who miss their only child desperately. He’ll be single, and you’ll both be in the right place. Close to your parents. Here in Emerson. Near your parents.”

  “I’m buying you a puppy,” Lila told her mother.

  The next day when she went into work, Lila opened up her laptop, skimmed through the contract one last time, and signed.

  * * * *

  Someone knocked at his bedroom door. Burke wanted to ignore it, but it was either David or Kurt. Neither of them were going to give up and go away if he didn’t answer.

  “Dad?”

  David, then.

  “Dad, can I come in?” He knocked again. Not waiting for Burke to answer, David opened the door.

  “What’s up?” Burke asked.

  He was sitting on the edge of the bed, arms braced on his thighs. He’d been staring at the carpet. He hadn’t been seeing the carpet, though. He’d been seeing Lila.

  It was a full week since he’d woken her, not without some serious effort, and kissed her goodbye at the scheduled post-ravishment six a.m. as promised. Whenever he wasn’t focusing on work or on the endless paperwork that seemed to accompany buying a house, he saw Lila.

  Thought of her.

  Felt the memory of her under him, over him, wrapped around him.

  “Dad.” David’s hand landed on Burke’s shoulder in a fretful pat. His face was worried, lips pressed tight, brows drawn together in a frown.

  “Sorry. What’s up?” Burke moved to stand, but David pushed him back down.

  “I don’t know, and it’s freaking me out.” David said as he plopped next to Burke on the edge of the bed, twisting to face him. “Are you on drugs?”

  Burke stared at his son. “Am I on drugs?”

  “Yes. Are you on drugs? You are withdrawn. Moody. Avoiding contact with loved ones. Your personality has undergone a significant change in a short time period. You are showing signs of depression.” He held his hands out, palms up. “I’m not here to judge. Wait, I am. Drugs are bad. I’m very clear on that. But I want to help. You can tell me. Is it drugs?”

  “No, David. It’s not drugs.”

  “Alcohol?”

  “David.”

  “Okay, then.” He dramatically drew the back of his hand across his brow as if wiping away sweat. “Phew. It’s because you’re in love with Lila.”

  Burke opened his mouth.

  “Please, don’t even,” David scoffed. “I’m sixteen, not six. Plus, the two of you are not all that subtle. If Beatrice and I had come into that kitchen even thirty seconds later, you’d have been having sex with her on the table. And then I found you kissing her in Kurt’s kitchen. What is it with you guys and kitchens? Forget I asked. No subtlety awards for you.”

  Burke could win an award for obliviousness, though. David knew? “Yes. I love Lila.”

  “And she loves you.” David nodded in encouragement. “I assume you did something stupid, which is why we haven’t seen Lila for a week. I’m here to help you fix the stupid.”

  “I didn’t do anything stupid.”

  David stood and straightened his shoulders. “Then Lila did something stupid. I’ll go and help her fix the stupid, and then I get my Dad back instead of this sad mopey guy.”

  “Neither of us did anything stupid, David.”

  “Then why aren’t you together?” David thumped back onto the bed.

  “Because we’re old enough to know that sometimes, love isn’t enough.”

  David laughed. “Bullshit. Love’s always enough.”

  “Not always.”

  He set his face in determined lines. “Yes. Always. You taught me that.”

  Burke gazed at him in question.

  “Like I said, Dad. I’m sixteen, not six. I know what you’ve given up to be in my life, to be my dad. You’ve put me first from the start. Where you live, where you work, whether or not you get to have a relationship. All of it geared toward being able to pack up at a moment’s notice to stay in my life, whenever Mom decided she wanted to move across the country. Tell me again that love isn’t enough. I dare you.”

  Burke hauled David into his side for a rough, one-armed hug and ruffled his hair, making David sputter with outrage. “You’re my boy. It’s different.”

  “I don’t see how.”

  “Lila has a life unconnected to mine. She has plans. Goals. Needs.”

  “Nice.”

  “Not those kinds of needs. Lila wants things I can’t give her.”

  “Lila kinda strikes me
as a woman who finds a way to get what she wants herself, rather than a woman who asks someone else to get it for her. I don’t think she’s sitting around waiting for you to give her stuff.”

  “Yeah. Lila is perfectly capable of doing everything herself.” Burke sighed. “Except for one thing.”

  David screwed up his face, thinking with great exaggeration. “Nope. I’m wracking my brains here, but I’m coming up empty.”

  “Children,” Burke said. “I can’t give her children.”

  All traces of humor on David’s face were wiped away. He jumped up. “So it’s my fault?”

  “It’s not your fault. It’s never been your fault.”

  David started to pace across the room. At this, he sent Burke a yeah, right glare. He flung his arms out to the side. “Okay, you can’t have any more kids. Big deal. It shouldn’t matter. She loves you!”

  “That is suspected but unconfirmed.”

  “Dad!”

  “Yes, she loves me. And it does matter.”

  David stopped his pacing and faced Burke. His tight shoulders drooped. “I never even thought she’d have a problem with it.”

  “Before we even started anything, Lila told me that she was leaving. We always knew, both of us, that this wasn’t going to end with us together. It was supposed to be fun. Simple. It got complicated, as these things do, but nothing has changed. Lila has a new job and she’s leaving Emerson. Next week, I’m picking up the keys to the house I just bought, a commitment to stay in Emerson. Lila wants children. The odds of me being able to give her children are low to non-existent. If I asked her to change her plans, I’d be asking her to change everything. For me. Where she lives, her job, even down to whether or not she has a family. I won’t do it. There is no happy ending here. There was never supposed to be.”

  “Then why are you so fucking sad?” David yelled it, face red with frustration.

  “I know all of this logically, David, but that doesn’t mean I can shut off my emotions. I’ll get there. It’s going to take time, is all. I knew what I was getting into with Lila. I had lots of chances to not do this with her, and not feel like this. But I chose this, every time. She’s worth it.”

  “I don’t fucking think so. Not anymore.”

  “Stop swearing.”

  “I ruined my dad’s life, I think that calls for a few f-bombs.” David’s voice broke.

  “It’s not your fault.”

  David turned on his heel and slammed out of the room.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  Lila pulled into her driveway and gazed at the tall figure standing by the FOR SALE sign she’d jammed in her lawn three days ago.

  Broad shoulders tense, hazel eyes fixed on hers through the windshield, arms crossed over his chest with an attitude that said he was here to pick a fight.

  Shame it was the wrong Burke.

  Lila got out of the car and beeped the locks. “David,” she said. “This is a surprise.”

  He grunted, his attention going to the groceries she was juggling. He stalked over, snatched them off her, and stood aside with exaggerated politeness, although his face was cold.

  “A fun surprise,” Lila said.

  She led the way into the house and pointed him to the kitchen while she shrugged off her coat and hung it up. David strode past her, every line in his adolescent body screaming tantrum.

  What on earth was this about?

  Lila sauntered into the kitchen, and bit back a smile when she found David loading her refrigerator. He paused every now and then to shoot a disapproving glare at the stack of packing boxes she’d bought yesterday and hadn’t assembled yet.

  “Help yourself to a glass,” she said as he shoved a carton of juice into the fridge door and slammed it shut. Everything inside rattled.

  “I’d prefer coffee.”

  “We don’t want to stunt your growth.”

  “I’m tall enough. And I lived in Seattle. I’ve been drinking coffee since I was ten.”

  That did not sound healthy, but Lila wasn’t about to criticize his mother’s beverage supervision skills. Especially the way he said it, with an arrogant chin jerk like he’d announced he was from Kentucky and had switched to bourbon, neat, the day he stopped breastfeeding.

  “Juice or water,” Lila said. “No coffee.”

  “Fine.” He got the juice back out of the fridge, found the glasses, and poured two. He handed one to Lila, and when she took it, clinked them together. Hard.

  “Are we celebrating something?” Lila asked warily.

  “Yeah. We’re celebrating the fact that between us, you and I have destroyed my dad’s life. Cheers!”

  Lila had the glass halfway to her mouth. She set it on the counter. “What?”

  “I took care of the last sixteen years. And you’ve taken on from now until the end of time. We’re a hell of a team.”

  “David, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I haven’t destroyed Burke’s life, at least not that I’m aware of, and you know what? I don’t like your attitude.”

  “I don’t like yours.”

  “Feel free to leave.”

  “Uh, isn’t that more your style?”

  “Is that what this drama is all about? Because I’m leaving?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m touched that you care, but—”

  “Not for me, for my dad.” David drained his glass of juice, then drank the rest of the carton. From the carton. Giving her side-eye.

  Lila managed not to laugh. “Burke has known I’m leaving for longer than almost anyone, honey,” she said gently.

  “I’d rather you didn’t call me honey.”

  “Apologies. Burke has known I’m leaving for longer than almost anyone, you little snot.”

  David opened and closed cupboard doors until he found her recycling bin, and tossed the crumpled carton in. “I can’t believe you’re going to go through with it. I thought better of you, Lila.”

  He was pacing now, truly agitated, but his expression didn’t match up with his words. He was angry at Lila, without doubt. There was something else mixed in with the doubt. It looked a whole lot like guilt.

  “David, do you want to tell me the real reason you’re here?”

  “Dad is so… God, I can’t stand it, he’s so sad and he’s so accepting about it, and it drives me nuts because it’s my fault! It’s my fault you won’t stay, and I can’t fix it for him. What if every woman he meets is as bad as you?”

  “Woah. My staying or going? Nothing to do with you. So it can’t be your fault, okay?”

  “Of course it is! I destroyed his testicles!”

  Lila blinked. “I happen to know your father has a very fine pair of testicles,” she said carefully.

  “Ew.” David stopped pacing and looked at her. “I didn’t mean… They’re still there, they just don’t work right.”

  “Again, here to tell you, they are in excellent condition.”

  “Ewww.”

  “Stop saying ‘ew’, you’re the one who brought them up in the first place.”

  “He can’t have children!”

  Lila gestured David up and down.

  David rolled his eyes. “Any more. He can’t have any more children.”

  Oh. “When he told me you were the only child he’d ever have and there was no chance of him being a father again, I assumed he didn’t want to be a father again. I assumed it was a choice.”

  “Thanks to me, he doesn’t get a choice.”

  Lila chewed her lip. “Can I ask how it’s thanks to you?”

  “I got sick when I was a baby. Mumps. He hadn’t had it before, he caught it from me, and it fried his little guys.”

  “They’re not that little,” Lila said without thinking.

  “I wasn’t talking about those little guys, I was referring to… I’m talking about his ability to father a child.” David was suddenly prim.

  “Mumps? I didn’t think that happened. Uh, infertility.”

  “I looked it up.
Complete infertility is rare. It’s not like I zapped his little guys clean out of him. Their performance is subpar.”

  Really nothing subpar about Burke’s performance. Lila kept that observation to herself.

  She sat at the kitchen table. Pressing the heels of her hands to her eyes for a moment, she focused on breathing. “Okay.” She dropped her hands flat. “This is a big deal, David.”

  His lip curled. “I thought you were better than to judge a man on whether or not he can get you pregnant.”

  Lila beat back her temper. “You sharing intensely personal medical information about your father that I am pretty sure he would be appalled to find out about, that’s the big deal. Don’t you think?”

  David shifted uncomfortably. “He won’t be pleased,” he conceded.

  “And since this is the first I’ve heard of it, kid, you do not get to stand in my house and accuse me of judging him.”

  He hunched his shoulders. “Sorry. I’m angry.”

  “I noticed.”

  “So you didn’t know?”

  “Believe it or not, it never came up. Because we never dated! We’re friends and, yes, we got closer than we should have, but we both knew going in that it was just the once.” It was supposed to be the once.

  “Are you sure? He said it’s why you’re leaving rather than staying in Emerson. Because he can’t give you what you want.”

  “Of course he can. All I want is Burke.”

  “He thinks you want his babies.”

  Lila was speechless. She gave in to an enraged groan. “What is with men going around thinking I want their babies? David. Tell me the truth. Am I carrying around some sort of sign that is only visible to the male eye and says ‘Danger, warning, this woman is after your DNA’?”

  “Not that I can see. But I’m sixteen. Maybe you have to be eighteen to see it. Or twenty-one.”

  Maybe she should ask Derek.

  Was this the reason Burke hadn’t asked her to stay? “Did he say those exact words? I’m dumping Lila because she wants my babies?”

  David thought about it. “He said you have, uh, needs and goals and stuff that he can’t meet.”

  “Meaning impregnation.”

  “Yup.”