Letters to Brendan

by Ashley Bloom

  But you know what? I am very sure you are still living there. `Cause I can`t picture you anywhere else than in your cottage. Except, of course, on the streets, your thumb held up high, with a huge backpack on your back. On Kerouac`s tracks. Always towards the next adventure.

  How might you be looking now? Do you still have those sweet freckles? Do you still wear your hair long? Are your bangs still hanging in your face? Do you still wear those cowboy shirts? Do you still have those sad eyes?

  I hope so much that at least you found happiness. Because if you are happy, I can be, too. For you. With you.

  I miss you terribly.

  I will never forget you.

  Forever,

  Rosaly

  March 20, 2012

  Dear Rosaly

  I know you expected a letter from Brendan. Instead you receive one from me, his mother.

  I have struggled with myself for so long, whether I should write to you or not. In the end I decided that it is the only right thing to do. Because you have a right to hear the truth.

  I have been receiving your letters for almost two years now. I did not open them, because they are addressed to Brendan, and out of respect for my son I did not want to read the words which were meant just for him.

  I have put all the letters on that shelf in his cottage, right next to the frame with your picture in it. Often I was sitting on that old rocking chair, and often I glanced over to that pile of letters which was growing higher.

  Of course I knew from the start that they were from you, because I saw the sender`s name in the corner. And I remember you well. But I did not want to reply you, because, to tell you the fact, I never wanted anything to do with you again, never see you again, and surely not send you any letters.

  But then something happened when your last letter reached here a few weeks ago. I wanted to put it on top of the others, and while doing so, I accidentally pushed down the picture frame. It fell on the floor and the back flap opened. A piece of paper appeared. It was a letter. A letter written by Brendan. A letter to you. I will add it to this letter.

  However, this letter made something clear to me: That I acted wrong. I should have written you a long time ago.

  But now I was released from my anger and it seemed like someone or something had woken me up. Suddenly I could see so clearly. All these years I blamed you for it all. You had left Brendan and hurt him so badly. You have to understand that he was my only son and I just wanted to protect him.

  And now I am going to tell you what happened after you left:

  You were gone and Brendan wasn`t the same. He changed completely. Where he had always been a very quiet person, he now did not speak a word for weeks. His father and I were very worried and encouraged him to finally go on his adventure trip. As long as we could remember he had talked about it.

  So Brendan packed up his things and he was up and away. But he didn`t make it any further than Texas and was back after only two weeks. He said that he had planned doing this journey together with you and without you it just didn`t feel right.

  Once, we talked openly and I asked him whether he wanted to try to win you back. He said he didn`t want to stand in your way. You must have left him for a good reason and it was up to you to come back. He would never try to talk you into something you didn`t really want, if you wouldn`t do it on your own free will. But would you come back, he would receive you with open arms.

  We encouraged him to go on dates with other girls. But he didn`t want that. He was still in love with you. We didn`t know if he would ever get over you.

  A few months later Brendan heard that you were engaged. Shortly after that he announced he had to tell us something important. He said he hadn`t been able to save your love, he hadn`t fought enough. At least he wanted to fight for his country now. A few weeks later he was sent to Afghanistan.

  Oh, Rosaly, how can I tell you? Brendan went to war and did not come back. He was hit by a hand grenade. They send us his belongings, among it Kerouac`s “On the Road”, and gave us a medal for his commitment. He died as a hero, for his country. But I am asking myself again and again, was it really his country? This America? That made wars? Wasn`t a whole different America his? A free country with never ending roads that he had always dreamed of? For me, the hardest thing was that now he would never see all those places.

  But I like to imagine him at a better place now. And maybe his heaven looks a little bit like a highway with view of the Rocky Mountains.

  Oh, my sweet child, I hope it doesn`t hit you too hard.

  I have to honestly admit that I mainly blamed you for Brendan`s death. Had you stayed, he would have never got that crazy idea to be become a soldier. He`d maybe be married by now and I`d be having grandchildren. But this I was refused to have, ever.

  But since I found Brendan`s letter, which was like a wake up call to me, and I have forgiven you, I just had to know how you have been doing. I always believed that you found happiness.

  Please don`t take it badly, but after reading your first letter, I couldn`t stop and I read them all. Of course I skipped the personal parts, but I was able to realize how awful you feel there in Roseville with your husband. And I felt terribly sorry hearing about your try to escape. I cannot understand how your mother is reacting to the situation. You are absolutely right, you must get your children out of there. As soon as possible. Or they will suffer forever. But you are also right on one other point, it doesn`t work without any help. You can`t make it on your own. And that is why I want to offer you - all of you - my help.

  I would let you stay with me, but as long as your parents are living in the same town, I don`t think that is a good idea. But I have a sister where I could place you for a while. I already asked her and she would be glad to give you shelter.

  So please think about it and let me know if you will accept my help. I feel unbelievably guilty about the anger I had for you, and I want to make it up. Brendan would have wanted it that way.

  I know you have a lot to cope with now. I hope Brendan`s letter will give you some hope.

  I hope to hear from you soon. And I hope you are alright.

  All the best,

  Cecilia Sanders

  Dear Rosaly

  I am desperate. Why did you leave me?

  How will I go on without you? How will I wake up every morning? How will I ever become happy again?

  Oh, my love, I think of you every day and every night. You are everything I want, everything I need.

  What will be without you now? How can I discover America without you? I set off already, but even after a hundred miles I knew it wouldn`t bring me anything. America, Kerouac, the wilderness, the distance, they are not important anymore. You alone are. Why should I go looking for something at a far away place, when I`ve found my luck here already? I was so close to it, how could I let it slip away?

  I guess there are only a few people who are chosen to experience real love. I was one of them.

  You were the one. Each moment with you was heaven on earth. I realized that when I was on the road. And I also realized that I had to try everything to save our love. I turned around and went home as fast as I could. I looked for you. I wanted you. But then I heard you have given your heart to someone else already. And I`m not so sure anymore if your love was strong like mine. I have always believed it. And I want to go on believing it.

  I`d really like to know why you left. Was it because of some stupid mistake I made unintentionally? Was there some other guy? Was it the pressure? Was it because you changed so much on my account? Did you still want to be beauty queen instead of world traveler? We were so unlike. But we felt the same passion. I just know – deep in my heart – that our love was true. No, it wasn`t just imagination. It was all I ever wanted. You were all I ever wanted.

  And now there`s only one thing left that I want, I want you to be happy. Even if it means without me. I guess I will never know the reasons, but they`re not important anymore. Only you are, your future and your bliss.


  I love you so much and I will never stop loving you.

  My beautiful Rosaly, whatever may come, I will always be with you, with my thoughts and with my heart.

  Thank you for that wonderful summer in which you showed me love. In which you taught me what it means to accept, to respect and to love another person unconditionally.

  I will never forget you.

  I love you!

  Brendan

  April 2, 2012

  Dear Mrs. Sanders

  I still can`t believe what has happened. All these years I pictured Brendan on the road, travelling from town to town, being happy and healthy. I never would have had the thought he might not be there anymore.

  Oh, dear Lord, why? I can`t stop blaming myself. If I had never left him, he would still be alive. He`d be happy. We would both be happy. How one single decision can influence the lives of so many.

  I am unbelievably sorry that you lost your only child. I have two children of my own… - but you know that already if you read my letters. By the way, I`m not mad at you for reading them. I`m even glad, because now I know the truth. Even if it hurts. But all this time I wondered why Brendan didn`t reply my letters, now I know the reason.

  You know, writing these letters was the only support I had in the last couple of years. It was like talking to a therapist. It helped me a lot, even if only soul-wise. Physically and emotionally I am still stuck in this misfortune.

  Who will I confide in from now on?

  I can`t believe you really want to help me. You must hate me! Brendan is dead because of me! But I guess nobody can hate me any more than I do myself.

  Now about your offer. It`s so very generous. But I think I can`t risk it once more. The last attempt failed, why should it work this time?

  I can`t do that to my kids again. And since the last time Vince is watching every step I take. He locks me inside the house and I`m not allowed to go anywhere, he even joins me when I go to the supermarket. He has told the neighbors some story about me and now they keep an eye on me too. I don`t know how I could ever get the possibility to runaway. Furthermore, Vince doesn`t give me any housekeeping allowance anymore, so I don`t have any money at all.

  It`s really, really nice of you and meant well, but I guess I will not consider it. What if it goes wrong again? I don`t even want to imagine Vince`s anger. I am very afraid of him. I just want to try to please him now. That is best for everyone.

  I hope you can understand me.

  I want to thank you for sending me Brendan`s letter. I have read it at least a thousand times. And I can`t stop crying. Over our lost love, our never fulfilled plans, my wrong decision, my feelings of guilt, his too short life, this injustice.

  Thank you for everything.

  Please give my regards to your husband.

  I will include you in my prayers.

  Sincerely,

  Rosaly Sherwood

  April 7, 2012

  My dear Rosaly

  I hope you are well.

  Thank you for your letter. Of course I can understand you, but I can`t accept the decision that you made.

  I know it sounds hard, but you have already made one wrong decision that you will regret for the rest of your life. Do you want to make another one? For years you have been fighting with yourself. I can still remember you, you were so strong. I don`t want to believe that you don`t have it inside you anymore.

  And you don`t have the responsibility for just yourself. Do you want your girls, when they think back to their childhood, see their mom with swollen eyes and bruises? Do you want them to remember how their parents never got along? Remember their brutal dad, their crying mom?

  Or do you want them to remember a happy childhood that their mother, after all this pain, still gave them? And remember Picnics in the park, trips to the ocean, a happy, laughing mother?

  Rosaly, wouldn`t you wish that for your children?

  I am aware that it won`t be easy, being on the run. You might even have to take new identities. But it will be worth it. And this time you are not alone. I really want to help you and at least you to get happy. Brendan would scold me for hesitating so long.

  I am begging you, Rosaly, please wake up from your self pity and do something! You can make it, you can start a whole new life. You can finally find happiness. And surely you will also find a man one day who loves you the way Brendan did.

  I hope so much that you take the right decision.

  Let me know soon whether you want to accept my help.

  Yours,

  C. Sanders

  PS, I add 300 Dollars for you to have some money in case of emergency.

  April 10, 2012

  Dear Mrs. Sanders

  I`m doing it!

  I`m so touched that you`re supporting me like this. I haven`t been used to that for a long time.

  Thank you too for being honest with me. You opened my eyes in the most brutal way.

  Please let me know how we will proceed.

  Rosaly

  PS, Thank you so much for the money.

  PPS, I`d be grateful if we could continue exchanging information in the form of letters, because Vince checks the caller list.

  April 14, 2012

  Dear Rosaly

  I hoped and prayed that I would be able to convince you, and that you would take this decision.

  I prepared everything needed already. My sister is prepared too. For your own protection I don`t want to tell you her name or the name of the city where she lives yet. But you can stay there with her as long as you want to. I already informed a social lady who will come to meet you, and decide together with you what will be best for you and your girls. There are different kinds of possibilities.

  All that you have to do now is get mentally ready for it. As soon as you are out of the house, there is no coming back.

  Also, you somehow have to make it to be alone in the house with the girls, without Vince nearby. Think of something and let me know. I will come myself and get you out of there. I will drive you to my sister who lives in a big house with enough place for the three of you. And I will stay with you until you are settled in. I will be there for you. You just have to trust me.

  I will be waiting for further details.

  Be brave!

  C. Sanders

  April 17, 2012

  Dear Mrs. Sanders

  It`s still hard to believe that you want to do all this for us. By now I am determined. I know it`s the right thing. For me and my girls. It still breaks my heart to tear them away from their daddy. But it`s the best for them too.

  Vince goes out bowling with his buddies on Thursday nights. At least that`s what he tells me. He never comes back before midnight. The only problem would be if he`d lock me in the bedroom again. But even then I will make up something, even if it means climbing out the first floor window. But maybe I can make him believe I have something to do in the kitchen, bake a cake for school for example. Don`t worry, I will think of something.

  What do I have to pack? Should I prepare the kids somehow? I`m so excited I can`t think clearly no more.

  You`ve got my address.

  I`ll be waiting for further instructions.

  Rosaly

  April 20, 2012

  Dear Rosaly

  I think it`s time you call me Cecilia. We are accomplices after all.

  I talked to my husband and told him I was going to stay with my sister for a while. I did not tell him the truth. I want to keep him out of it in case we get any trouble.

  I will pick you up on Thursday 26 around 9 pm. Be ready! Don`t say a word to your girls, they might reveal something.

  When the time comes, they are allowed to each take a few of their favorite toys. You have to leave everything else behind. Don`t pack away anything suspicious. Hide your passports, money and souvenirs in a small bag. That has to be enough! We will buy everything new when we reach our destination. Burn all letters or take them with you. In no case leave anything in the house that could give
away any information leading to me. It would guide Vince right to our hiding place.

  Don`t write Vince a farewell letter and do not say goodbye to anybody, not even your best friend. I will take approximately 3 hours for the drive, so I`ll leave here in the early evening. I will come, don`t be afraid.

  If anything should come in the way, for example if Vince gets sick and stays home that night or one of your children is seriously sick, let me know immediately. I add my card on which you will find my private number as well as my cell phone number.

  And now wish us much success!

  Everything will be alright. I promise.

  Cecilia

  December 18, 2015

  Dear Brendan

  This is the first time I am visiting your grave.

  I have wished for so long to be able to do that, but it was too risky.

  Three and a half years have passed since your mother saved me, me and my girls. If there are angels on earth, then she is one of them.

  You have a wonderful mom, she has become a good friend.

  She had planned everything. She saved me from the hell of a marriage I was in and gave me and my family a complete new life.

  By now we look different, we`ve got new names and live at a far away place. I was advised to sue my husband, but I want nothing to do with him or my past anymore. I only want to look ahead and build up a happy future for me and my daughters. They deserve it as I do.

  All these years I felt guilty and believed I didn`t deserve anything better, but I was wrong. Thanks to your mother and your letter I realized that I am worth being happy. Just like every human has a right to be happy and be loved.

  Since your mom could forgive me, I came to the conclusion that I have to forgive myself too. I am a new person, and not only because of the witness protection program.

  Brendan, I want to thank you. For loving me.

  You gave me warmth, comfort and joy. You were a man that many women in this world would wish for, but whose love was given to me alone.