by Lee Rose
“Thanks.” She had given both girls a teary smile. “I have been a terrible mother and I owe you both an apology. I was selfish and lost in my own misery and bitterness when your father left us. Instead of concentrating on the two daughters I still had, I was lost in the past. It wasn’t fair to you two.”
“That’s all in the past,” Holly assured her. She looked emotional too, and Faith knew Holly hated to cry. Holly didn’t like getting into emotional scenes. “Faith and I are fine in Red Hook. We are happy with our lives. I’m glad you have Ted and are happy now. I knew you drank because you were lonely without Dad.”
They caught her up on what they were doing. Holly explained she was bartending at night but also going to nursing school in the daytime. Faith told her all about her coffee shop. They had spent a few hours together and parted ways with a promise to keep in touch more. Their mom invited them for Christmas and the girls promised to think about it.
Faith lay in her bed at the hotel. Holly was flipping through the TV channels.
“I’m glad we came,” Faith told her sister. Seeing her mom healthy was good news. Her mom’s speech really opened her eyes. She was going to love her baby and enjoy her life even if it was without Adam. She refused to run after him, begging him for his time.
Holly turned the TV off and laid the remote down on the nightstand. “Me, too. I hope Mom stays sober. Ted sounds like a decent man.”
“Me, too. I hope it works out for her. I hated to think of her being all alone,” Faith agreed. “This weekend was nice and relaxing. I really needed this. Thanks for coming with me, Holly.”
“I’m surprised you didn’t tell Mom about the baby.”
Faith put her hand on her still-flat stomach. She had just found out a week ago she was pregnant. She was still dealing with so many emotions. At first she felt nothing but anger and hurt, then finding out she was pregnant had been a shocker. Anger turned into depression and fear. She never thought about having a baby. Could she do it all alone? She still had moments of pure panic at the thought of being a single mom, but she would deal with it. She was determined to give her baby all the love she had never received.
“It’s too soon to announce it. My head is still reeling. I have to get myself together before I tell people.”
“What about that jerk Adam?” Holly was so angry when Faith told her what happened between them. Holly would have gladly told him off, but Faith didn’t want that. She wanted Adam to come to her on his own, not because he was forced to.
“I know I have to tell him and I will soon.” Faith sighed. That familiar ache hit her chest and she had to rub it away. She was so disappointed in him. She didn’t want to deal with thoughts of him right now. “I also know he won’t want to be involved in the baby’s life and that’s okay. I don’t want my baby feeling rejected like I did. I’ll be a good mom.”
“I have no doubts about that, Faith, but Adam deserves to at least give you financial support,” Holly grumbled. “He should have known better, Holly. Anyone with eyes can see you’re not one of those easy hookups he likes to mess with. He should’ve known better than to pursue you romantically if he was just going to fuck you and reject you.”
Faith winced. She had been so stupid to think they had connected emotionally that night. It had been an illusion in her mind. Was she so desperate for romance that she just imagined Adam was honorable and serious? She had screwed up before, but this one was epic. They had used condoms, but somewhere along the night something had happened and she ended up pregnant. He had blown her phone calls off and the hurt and anger grew. Then he finally called with a lame excuse about being busy with work. As if she would fall for that lame line. At least she knew where he stood. She was going to have to brush away her own hurt feelings and be a mother. She could have an abortion, but the more she thought about it the more she wanted to be a mom. Obviously the chances of her finding love were slim to zero. She could be a mother, though. She could make sure her baby had a wonderful life without Adam. She would protect her child with everything she had.
“I know, Holly. You did warn me and I still fell for his charm. I don’t want him in my life out of duty.”
“I’ll help you, Faith. I’ll spoil my niece or nephew,” Holly promised fiercely.
Faith smiled, trying to lighten the tension. “That is a scary thought, Sis.”
Holly laughed and said good night. Faith closed her eyes but sleep eluded her. She couldn’t get a pair of golden eyes and a wicked smile out of her head or her heart.
Chapter 6
Adam could no longer resist the temptation to step into Faith’s coffee shop. He spotted her a few times around town, but she ignored him. It hurt more than he thought it would. He knew he was letting his past cloud his judgment, but he felt stuck in a world of fear. He didn’t know how to get out of it.
Would Faith look at him with hatred in her eyes or hurt? He would prefer the hatred. She was sweet and didn’t deserve to be hurt. He had not stopped thinking of her in the last seven weeks. He had even gone to the cemetery on his last day off, hoping it would stop him from thinking of Faith, but it hadn’t worked. He took a deep breath, parked his motorcycle, and turned it off.
He opened the glass door and went inside. A small Christmas tree filled with colorful lights stood in the corner. A few Christmas decorations were scattered around. He glanced behind the counter and spotted Holly and another young brunette, but not Faith. He felt disappointed and he wasn’t sure why. He had no idea what he would say to her? Let’s be friends? She would probably dump hot coffee on him if he said that. He was confused. He should just leave her alone, but something always pulled him back to her.
When there were no more people in line, he went up to Holly. “I was hoping to see Faith.”
Holly glared at him with her blue eyes. She put a hand on her hip. “Really, why? You had her and moved on. What were you hoping for, another round? There is no chance of that, Casanova, so keep on walking.”
“No. I just wanted to see if she was okay,” he said in a low voice. She was making him feel worse. He knew he deserved it, but he still felt the anger rise and run through his veins like a quick fire. What did Faith tell her about him?
She sneered. “How do you think she is? She likes you, Adam. She has been hurt by every guy she lets into her life, but she thought you were different. She was wrong.”
Adam grimaced and he felt two inches tall. He looked around the shop. Only two people were here and they had headphones on with a laptop in front of them. He wanted to argue with her, but he didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t meant to hurt Faith, but he knew he did. He felt guilty, but he wasn’t sure about getting into a relationship.
“Just get lost, Adam. Go mess with one of your floozies,” Holly said in a low, irate voice. She pointed to the door.
Adam sighed and turned around and left. He got on his bike and just sat there. It was the beginning of December and the air was chilly. He had a leather jacket on over his shirt. He was about to turn his bike on and head home when he spotted Faith parking her car in the alleyway next to her building. He waited for her to get out and head for the coffee shop. Did she look thinner or was it his imagination?
Faith looked up and spotted him. She frowned but walked toward him. She didn’t look like she was in a better mood than her sister. She walked straight up to him. He prepared himself for her yelling and calling him names. He would take it. He wouldn’t like it, but he felt bad for blowing her off.
“Hello, Adam.” Her voice was flat and she looked pale and tired. Her red hair was pulled away from her face in a headband.
“Are you sick?” he blurted out without thinking.
She wrapped her blue sweater around her body tighter and nodded. “I just came back from the doctor’s office. I’ll live. What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see if you were doing okay.” It sounded like a lame excuse, but he didn’t know what else to say. She was constantly on his mind, but did that mean h
e was ready to settle down? He didn’t want to give her hope when he wasn’t sure. That wouldn’t be fair. He had driven by and couldn’t resist the urge to see her. He was used to seeing her face on a regular basis and it was killing him inside to not even catch a glimpse.
“I assure you, Adam, I will be fine. I have been rejected before and I have survived without jumping off of a bridge,” she snapped, looking angry.
Faith took a deep breath and looked inside her shop. “Look, it’s almost closing time. I do have something to discuss with you. Can you give me twenty minutes to help Holly and Jenny close up?”
He nodded, not wanting to go back in there and deal with Holly again. “I’ll wait out here.”
She nodded and headed inside. He watched her through the window. She looked thinner and so tired. Had he done all that to her? This was all his fault. He knew Faith was not the kind to go in for casual affairs, but he had been so sure he could control his emotions and keep his distance. He was going to be honest and tell her about Josie. Maybe she would understand better why he couldn’t be in a relationship with her.
Chapter 7
Faith had Adam follow her home. Holly was going out to eat with friends then on to work. She led him inside to the living room. She was glad she had straightened it earlier this morning. The night he spent with her, they had not turned on any lights.
She sat on the couch with him. She didn’t know how to start. She had rehearsed so many different speeches in her head that now that she was face to face with Adam, she didn’t know what to say.
He looked uncomfortable and nervous. He sighed loudly and brushed his fingers through his loose hair. She wished she had the right to snuggle up to him and play with his hair. A small lamp gave the room a warm glow. She hadn’t bothered to put up a tree yet. Jenny and Kara, her two new girls, had put the one up at the shop. They had hung decorations all over the shop. She just didn’t feel the Christmas spirit right now. She was worried about her business falling and raising a baby alone.
“Can I go first?” he asked.
Glad for a moment to gather her thoughts into a logical, calm order, she nodded.
“Six years ago I was engaged to my high school sweetheart.” He started and she stared at him in shock. She had not been expecting to hear that. “Her name was Josie. We had many plans and dreams. She went with my parents Christmas shopping one day in Austin. “
Faith held her breath. The pain on his face told her this did not have a happy ending. His voice was flat and unemotional, but his eyes held an overwhelming look of deep sorrow. She wanted to hold him, but she knew he would not appreciate that.
“They must have hit a patch of ice. The car went off the road and turned over a few times. My parents died instantly,” he continued.
Faith put her hand over her mouth and she felt tears running down her cheek. “Oh god, Adam.”
“Josie was in a coma for two days before she slipped away.” He continued, looking at the wall. His voice was strained as if he hated remembering. His eyes were unfocused as if he was lost in his memories. “I swore that never again would I be put in a position to be vulnerable again. Never again would I allow myself to love another woman. I can’t.”
He looked straight at her. His golden eyes were dull and cold. “I like you, Faith. I went into your shop for months but never spoke to you because of that. I knew you were not the no-strings kind of gal, but I couldn’t stop thinking of you. I should never have let Alana talk me into going out with you.”
Faith sat up straighter, feeling the hurt stir up inside of her. “You mean if it wasn’t for your sister-in-law, you wouldn’t even have talked to me? Wow, that really makes me feel so much better, Adam. Someone forced you to ask me out. Did she force you to have sex with me too?”
“I didn’t mean she forced me.” He tried to backtrack, but it was too late. He knew he messed up and he winced. “I’m making a mess out of this. I hate emotional conversations. I always avoid this kind of crap.”
“No, it is getting clearer and clearer,” she said hoarsely. She could hear the anguish in her own voice. Hurt and anger were filling her heart up until it felt like it wanted to explode in her chest. “You’re saying you vowed never to love again after your fiancée died. You were attracted to me but had every intention of ignoring me forever until your sister-in-law bullied you into asking me to that fall festival. Is there anything else you would like to say to me?”
She stood up feeling agitated and started pacing. She put her arms around herself feeling cold and tired. Now she just wanted him to leave so she could go and feel sorry for herself under her warm covers. She wanted to shout with the unfairness of it all. She had fallen in love with a man who already loved someone else. He would not welcome her feelings. He would probably look at her with pity and she didn’t think she could handle that.
He sat in silence and she could see he was trying to think of something diplomatic to say.
“Save it, Adam. I get it now. There is no hope for us because you’re stuck in the past,” she said tiredly, feeling like she wanted to cry. She blinked back a few tears. “I wish Alana had stayed out of my business. I would be blissfully unaware of you, safe with just my fantasies of you.”
That got his attention and his lips curled up slightly. “You fantasized about me?”
She rolled her eyes. “Yeah. You are a sexy guy, but in my dreams you’re much nicer.”
He frowned and looked at her as if he wanted to argue with her.
“What did you want to discuss with me?” he grumbled. “I’m sorry I let you down, but it is better this way. We should make a clean break now before it gets any worse.”
Faith hesitated. Should she tell him now? He would hate to hear her news. It couldn’t get any worse, at least in his eyes.
She had to tell him and he could ignore the news if he wanted. Her conscience would be clear.
“First of all, thanks for explaining to me why you rejected me that night. I thought I did something wrong.”
He shook his head, his eyes wide with remorse.
“As a result of that night I am pregnant.” She spit the words out fast before she chickened out.
His mouth hung open and he looked horrified. That made her feel even worse even though she had expected that same reaction. Someone other than his dead fiancée was having his baby. He probably hated her right now and it hurt more than she thought it would. He couldn’t put the blame on her. They both wanted that night to happen and she had not been on the pill since it had been so long since she was even in a relationship.
She put her hand up before he could offer to pay for an abortion. “I am not asking you for anything, Adam. I can see now you have no room in your heart for anyone, not even a baby. I thought you should know but I am keeping this baby and I am raising him or her alone.”
“We used condoms,” he stuttered, looking visibly shaken. “How the hell did this happen?”
It made her feel sad and angry that he disliked the idea so much.
“I don’t know, but it happened. I have been to the doctor. I am seven weeks along. My last boyfriend was over a year ago and I hadn’t slept with anyone since.”
He put his face in his hands and stayed silent. Then he stood up. “No wonder your sister was so angry with me.”
Faith nodded. “I’d avoid the bar while she is working. She is liable to poison your drink.”
He grimaced. “I don’t know what to say, Faith. My head is overwhelmed at this moment. I never wanted children with anyone else besides—”
Faith ignored the pain in her heart and swallowed down her hurt. “Josie. I get it, Adam. I am not good enough for you.”
“I didn’t say that, Faith. I just don’t want emotional entanglements.” She could hear the irritation in his voice and it pissed her off. Emotional entanglements? That’s all she and the baby were to him? Burdens to resent?
“There is nothing more to say, Adam. You don’t want me and now you are so obviously horrifi
ed about this baby. Well, we don’t need you. I will not allow you to make this baby feel like he is not worthy of love because his mother is someone you had a one-night stand with.” Suddenly she just wanted him gone before she broke down and cried. Her heart ached. Why did she think she would ever find love? Her own father never loved her and her mother had loved drinking more than her own children. Just because you craved something didn’t mean you would get it.
“I don’t expect anything from you, Adam, so just go. You’re free to wallow in the ‘what used to be.’ I am no danger to your memory of your true love and neither is this baby.”
“I should be a part of this baby’s life,” he insisted, but he didn’t sound sure. She didn’t want his obligation or his duty. That was just too painful of an idea. She wanted what he couldn’t give her. Love. Acceptance.
“No. I know what it’s like to feel rejected by your parents, Adam. I don’t want my baby feeling like he wasn’t good enough to be loved. I will love our child enough for the both of us, but if you are constantly hanging on to the past, refusing to move forward, all you will do is hurt him the way you hurt me.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you, Faith,” he insisted, looking a little gray in the face.
“I know, Adam.” She sighed. “Look, I am exhausted. Can you please leave?”
“Is your health okay?”
She nodded. “Morning sickness is very inconvenient when you have a business to open up at six AM.”
“I’m off for the next two days. I can come in and help you,” he offered eagerly.
She was tempted, but if she spent time with him, she would never get over him. “No thanks. I’ll survive. It’s better if we stay away from each other. I know you have no feelings for me, but I care about you, Adam. If we see each other, it will be hard on me. That’s not fair.”
“I’m sorry, Faith.” He looked guilt-ridden. Those few words conveyed a wealth of emotions. Regret. Sorrow. He would never open his heart long enough to let someone else in.