A Conard County Homecoming

by Rachel Lee

  Releasing the arms of his chair at last, he wrapped his arms around his dog, buried his face in her neck for a moment and gave thanks for Nell.

  And for Ashley, who didn’t hover over him, never once tried to deprive him of his own agency. He’d had people try to do everything for him, like a certain ex-girlfriend, and he’d hated the smothering. Ashley didn’t offer to do a damn thing, not since the very beginning, but he also knew from experience that she would help when needed.

  He hated needing help. Sometimes there was no escaping it. Trying to be independent could reach a level of foolishness if he wasn’t careful. Like that rug in the living room. There was no way he could remove it himself; he’d have to get someone in to do it, so that if he ever tipped again for some reason he could slide across the floor. That rug was rough enough to make it difficult.

  That was when he knew the difficulty had passed. Ashley was climbing in the front passenger seat. When he let go of Nell, she dropped to the floor of the van and didn’t try to poke him or lick him again.

  It was over. As his episodes went, it hadn’t been that bad. He’d never completely lost touch. As for the trigger...maybe all the people in the store? Maybe he’d become stressed by the attention, by talking to the kids? If so, that was something else he needed to get over. He guessed he’d learn a lot about his limits when he spoke to Ashley’s class.

  He was able to drive them home. Ashley brought his groceries to him and placed them on his lap, except for the cider jug. “I should carry this in,” she said. “If it slips Nell could cut her paws.”

  “Or try to drink it,” he said lightly. “You going to stay for a while?”

  “I still need to decorate my place. I’ve got my pumpkin hollowed out, but it needs a face.”

  He took that as a friendly farewell and figured he deserved it. “Let me know what I owe you for the groceries.”

  She waved her hand, dismissing it. Then she smiled, that beautiful smile that warmed his heart. “Do you like roasted pumpkin seeds?”

  “Love ’em.”

  “Then I’ll bring some over later if you want. I toasted them last night. And I have stuff to make us dinner if you like Polish sausage.”

  Inside, she put the jug of cider on his table, then took her own candy out of the bag and left with a friendly “See you later.”

  The house was once again empty of everything except him and Nell. For the first time since his injury, the solitude felt lonely.

  He looked down at Nell. “She just left. How can I already miss her?”

  Nell had no answer except a sweep of her tail.

  * * *

  A couple of hours later, Zane decided he couldn’t stand it anymore. He needed activity, exercise. The trip to the store hadn’t been enough. He needed a change of scenery, too.

  The instant he started to pull on his jacket and gloves, Nell quivered with excitement, her tail waving so quickly it almost blurred.

  “Yeah, you need it, too, don’t you, girl?” Zane hardly needed her response.

  As soon as they stepped out the front door and he closed it behind them, he received a surprise. Ashley was hanging a Halloween flag from a branch on the tree in his front yard, a black one with a grinning skeleton printed on it.

  She heard them and peered over her shoulder. Since she was standing on a ladder, he called out, “Be careful!”

  “I am,” she answered. “I hope you don’t mind, but I figured I didn’t need it all in my yard.”

  He didn’t mind. He was kind of pleased. “How much of that do you have?”

  “Just a few more things. Want some cobwebs?”

  “If it’s not too much trouble.”

  “I’m going to hang them, anyway.”

  Zane looked down at Nell. “Amazingly enough, I’m looking forward to Halloween.”

  Apparently feeling his happiness, she swept her tail over the porch boards.

  Once the flag was hanging and tossing in the chilly breeze, Ashley climbed down and looked at it. “Good enough,” she said, eyeing it. Then she turned toward Zane. “The skeleton glows in the dark. Much better at night. Be right back.”

  He watched her dash across to her house. Her own yard was evidently complete, with a ghost hanging from one of her trees and rippling very nicely. Cobwebs draped from her porch rails, not overdone, just a bit here and there. And her pumpkin, endowed with a smiling face, now sat on the top step, ready to be lit.

  A few minutes later she came back carrying a clear plastic bag full of white stuff. “Where would you like it?”

  “The same as what you did at your place. It looks good on the railing.”

  She smiled. “Also easier to clean up. Some of our neighbors here will put it everywhere, and I swear some of it winds up serving as snow at Christmas because it gets so tangled on things. Not that we need fake snow then. At least not usually.”

  She climbed the ramp, joining him and Nell on the porch, and studied the task before her.

  “I can help,” he said quietly.

  Her head whipped around. “Of course you can! I’m just so used to doing this by myself.”

  She handed him the bag after pulling out a handful for herself. “I think it’s got another year left in it. See what you think.”

  She went to the far end of the porch so he headed for the other. Of course he could do this. It might not look that good because he lacked practice, but he’d get it good enough.

  When he pulled a ball of it out and tried to tug it apart, it spread into a filmy netting. Not exactly spiderwebby. More like a cobweb, but clever. He hung it in patches over his end of the railing, and at the bottom of the bag found a huge rubbery spider. He held it up.

  “Where’s this live?” he called to Ashley.

  “Anywhere you like, but not too close to your steps. Some little kids get really frightened.”

  So he tucked it into some of the webby stuff and wheeled back to take a look. “What do you think, Nell?”

  Nell cocked her head, giving him that “Are you out of your mind?” look she sometimes achieved. He laughed.

  Ashley joined them a minute later, scooping the remains into her plastic bag. “All done,” she said brightly. “You must be getting cold. I’m feeling it myself.”

  “I was just getting ready to exercise with Nell. Around the block a few times, as fast as I can safely go.”

  She leaned back against the porch railing. “There’s a special wheelchair for racing, right? It would let you go faster?”

  “In the road, and yes, there are special chairs. For now I’m content with the sidewalks, although I’ve begun to wonder if I might be able to use the track at the high school or college.”

  “I have no doubt. But go for the college. They have that new material, whatever it is. The high school has cinders, remember. Give ’em a call. I’m sure they’ll say yes. I see people out there jogging all the time, and they’re not students. It’s probably okay unless a team is training.”

  “Thanks.” He began to roll toward the ramp. “Wanna come with?”

  He was glad when she smiled and said yes. Maybe too glad. He’d better watch himself with this woman. All he could do was blight her life.

  * * *

  Ashley enjoyed the brisk walk with Zane and Nell. Zane kept up a reasonably good speed, one that qualified as exercise for her. Cars drove past, people waved, but except for a few kids outside playing they didn’t meet anyone on foot.

  “I guess it’s too cold,” Ashley remarked.

  “Doesn’t it get a lot colder here? I seem to remember...”

  “Then you probably remember how few people take a stroll come winter.” She laughed. “Shoveling snow was it. Car the rest of the time.”

  He smiled as she jogged his memory. The track events he had partic
ipated in happened mostly in the spring and mud, but come late October even the football team was getting ready to wind down its season. Hot drinks, warming capes, helmets over knit caps, and some days even ski masks. Yeah, he remembered.

  They crossed a few streets and rounded a different area of town before they turned to come back. It was definitely growing colder, and Zane noticed that Ashley coughed a few times.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  “Dry, cold air. No biggie. When I get back inside, my nose will start running. I hate that.”

  He laughed and pushed up the pace a little bit. Nell was enjoying every minute of being outside. She kept turning her head his way, as if checking that he was okay, then she’d continue prancing at his side, a brisk pace that she carried off with amazing grace. He wondered if even in his salad days he’d run as gracefully as the dog.

  “So,” he said to Ashley, “got any big dreams for your future?”

  “Dreams?” It seemed to him that her step hitched just a bit. “Not really. I’m saving for a big vacation eventually, but mostly I’m pretty happy with my life. I’ll probably be teaching fourth grade until they force me out the door.”

  He laughed quietly. “So nothing short-term?”

  She didn’t answer. But then, slowly, she turned her head and looked at him. Their eyes locked, and it was his turn to hitch as he rolled forward. Nell looked back, astonished at the sudden slowing.

  But he couldn’t help it. He’d been attracted to this woman since the instant he set eyes on her, and the attraction hadn’t quieted one bit. Now, as their gazes met, he felt an electric zap that ran through every cell in his body, at least the ones that could still feel. He felt himself hardening in response and had a hazy thought that it was good his jacket covered the evidence.

  But then he noticed that she had stopped as well and that her breathing had become more rapid. She felt it, too. Felt the electricity between them, the heightening desire, the need to venture into uncharted waters to find the waiting treasure.

  Oh, God, he thought, dragging his gaze away. Trouble. Bad for both of them. What woman would want to take on his problems? And he wouldn’t ever want to treat her in any but the most respectful and caring of ways. No one-night stands with this woman. His regard for her was too high. Plus, he had a little self-respect of his own.

  They moved again toward his house and reached it with only a little more light conversation. But he still didn’t want to say goodbye.

  This woman had made it possible for him to connect again. Admittedly, it was only one connection, but it was a great experience in that it didn’t involve another vet like himself. Those connections were easier to make, having a shared experience. Ashley was so very different, and her difference seemed to lighten him.

  A regular woman liked him and treated him like he was capable. Worth a celebration, he thought. Plus he suddenly couldn’t bear to see her walk away. “Come in for some cocoa?” he asked.

  Chapter Eleven

  “Sure,” she said without hesitation. “Cocoa sounds great. Listen, I bought some Polish sausage and buns at the market. Want to join me for dinner?”

  He paused as he let Nell push the door open for him. “I assume you mean here.”

  “Well, unless I could levitate one of your ramps over to my place, I guess so.”

  She said it lightly, as if the fact that he needed ramps, lifts and wheelchairs was a negligible matter.

  He made instant cocoa from individual packets. As he boiled water in the microwave, then added a dollop of cream to each mug to make it richer, he thought about the thousands of times he’d cooked his meals over small cans that burned with a tiny flame, everything coming out of a packet, most of it needing only a little water. And the coffee crystals he seldom wasted the time to heat.

  “Man,” he said suddenly. “Too much time in the field. I need to remember how to cook normally again.”

  “I use this cocoa, too. No apology necessary.”

  She’d doffed her jacket by the time he turned his chair and brought her mug to the table. Then he got his own and joined her.

  “So,” she asked, “have you thought about modifying your kitchen? I mentioned it to Alex, and he was ready to jump on it. Great experience for his students.”

  He half smiled. “You know, when I first came here I’d made only the absolutely essential changes.”

  “Why?” Her brow creased.

  “I thought I’d told you. Because I didn’t know if I’d decide to stay. Bathroom, check. Bedroom, check. Front-loading washer, check. But kitchen? Big expense unless I was going to stay. Plus, doing it up for me would make the house unattractive if I decided to sell.”

  Her smile faded. “I didn’t realize that, Zane. I’m sorry if I’ve been pushing you. I just assumed...” She trailed off and looked almost sad.

  “You assumed I’d come home for good. Why wouldn’t you? I never told you otherwise.”

  “I see.” She averted her face and drew a long breath.

  She felt bad, he realized with astonishment. She didn’t want him to leave. Seriously? He cast his mind back, wondering what he might have done to make her give a damn what he did, whether he came or went. Little enough, he decided.

  “I didn’t say I’m leaving,” he said. “I haven’t thought much about it since I met you. I’m not thinking about it now. You did something special, Ashley.”

  She turned her head. “Me?”

  “You. You made me feel like I really have come home. I see that I haven’t gotten out and made a whole lot of friends or anything, but...you’ve still made me feel like I’m home. And welcome. So...no, I’m not leaving.”

  Her expression lightened. “I’m glad to hear that. And you have reached out, you know. Look what you’re doing for Mikey. You’ve decided to join the veterans’ discussion group and come to my class and talk to students. Those are big steps for you, aren’t they?”

  He held out his hand, palm up, an invitation, and felt her smaller one as she laid it there almost trustingly. Her fingers felt a bit chilled as he squeezed them and let go. “Drink that cocoa and warm yourself up. And yeah, they’re big steps, but it annoys me because they shouldn’t be.”

  He liked the way her eyes softened. “Zane, I told you before, cut yourself some slack. You’re doing all that now.”

  “Cutting myself slack was something I never did in the SEALs and I shouldn’t do it now. I’m only thirty-seven. A lot of years ahead. I can’t let them be pointless ones.”

  “But it takes time to set a whole new course in life.”

  He laughed without any mirth. “It didn’t take much time to change my entire life.”

  She pressed her lips together and looked down at her mug. “You’re right. It didn’t. But maybe this is a little different.”

  “Only in that I have the luxury of picking and choosing and moving at a snail’s pace if I choose. Look, Ashley, I didn’t mean to sound like I was dismissing you. I’ve still got problems to deal with and I know it. Look at the way I had to leave the store this morning.”

  She lifted her head. “Was it too noisy?”

  “That wasn’t it. I was thinking about it before we took our walk. I think it was the chaos.”

  “Chaos?” She frowned.

  This time his laugh was more genuine. “Chaos,” he repeated. “I’m sure it doesn’t look like that to you, but when I get into new situations I naturally grow more alert.”

  “I think most of us do.”

  He shook his head a bit. “But not high alert, life-threatening alert. That in itself isn’t bad. It’s a trained response—it’s saved my life and the lives of others. But when I get in that mode, I’m trying to keep my eye on everything. Threat ready. No threats in that grocery store. Logically, I knew that. But being hyperalert and trying to k
eep my eye on all the moving people... I guess it started to overwhelm me.”

  He let her absorb that while he considered making more cocoa. Maybe coffee. Certainly something warm, because this house felt drafty today. Maybe he ought to check the heat, but just as he had the thought he heard the rumble of it turning on, then a little while later warm air blew through the vent. Okay, heat was fine.

  And Ashley was still silent. He was beginning to worry that he’d said something wrong. Maybe told her too much. He shouldn’t be talking to her about these things, anyway. She was a civilian. There was an unspoken rule among vets that some things should never be discussed with those who had never walked in their shoes. The world’s innocents would never understand some things.

  Finally she looked up. “Thanks for the explanation, Zane. I think I understand better now. I couldn’t imagine what had troubled you. Now I know.”

  “And next time there’ll probably be a different explanation. You know, you’d think after all this time I’d know where my triggers are. Guess not.”

  “It doesn’t matter, does it?”

  Surprise rippled through him. “Of course it matters.”

  “Why? I mean, some obvious things can be important to avoid, but you’ve tried avoiding damn near everything, haven’t you? How are you going to avoid the grocery? I just mean...” She trailed off, biting her lower lip. “Sorry, I’m talking out of turn.”

  But she wasn’t. He reached out, seizing her hand this time and holding it tightly. She’d opened a new way of thinking about all of this, and he was turning it around, absorbing it, trying to decide exactly what it meant.

  “You might be right,” he said after a few minutes. “I’m going to think about it. For example, I had to leave the store, but Nell was enough to keep me grounded. Next time maybe my reaction won’t be so strong.”

  She nodded, listening.

  “I can’t avoid everything...” But he trailed off. Her blue eyes met his again, and that electricity zapped between them once more. In that instant a switch flipped and he forgot nearly everything else. He wanted to resist, for her sake, but when he saw her chest rising and falling with quickened breaths, read his own hunger reflected in her face as if her whole being was leaning toward him... What if he was imagining it?