“She has demanded your death,” Rachel said, her voice sounding like it was doubled.
The second voice definitely wasn’t a voice I recognized, though from the jerky way Rachel was moving I also got the distinct feeling she was being controlled by that Dark Lady bitch who was also doing the talking.
“Hey, bitch!” I said.
That got her to cock her head to the side. Her eyes had gone completely white, which was freaky. Talk about something straight out of the Evil Dead playbook, and here I was without a boomstick to fight her off.
“Why don’t you pick on someone your own size?” I said, getting to my feet and holding the crystal above my head.
Rachel regarded the crystal. A smile slowly crept across her face, and it was the sort of creepy smile I imagined a zombie might use if it’d retained just enough emotion to be able to smile at someone right before it relieved them of their brains.
“An unattached core,” she said. “This pleases me. I thought this might work out as I’d planned, but I had no idea it would go this perfectly.”
“Yeah, well it hasn’t gone all that perfectly,” I said, gesturing to the clearing around us. “Have a look around. Have you noticed that all the assholes you sent at me have kinda sorta been made dead?”
She twisted Rachel’s head so far to the side that I almost thought she might be trying to turn her neck all the way around. I didn’t doubt that the puppetmistress pulling the strings on Rachel could make her snap her neck, and I was fond of her and didn’t want her to lose her life because this bitch was taking a look around.
So I dove at her. I mean it wasn’t the greatest plan, but it was simple. I liked it. Get her, to quote a famous scientist who regularly dealt with the supernatural.
The staff flew from her hand and thunked to the ground. Rachel hit the ground under me, and I grabbed her head and did my best to hold it in place and keep it from turning all the way around and doing something that the real Rachel might regret when the puppetmistress controlling her let go.
“You don’t have to do this,” I said, staring into her eyes. “You’ve beaten it before. You’re more powerful than her.”
She threw her head back and let out an unearthly scream as a glow appeared from my hands and surrounded her. Though considering where we were I guess any scream that something let out was, by definition, an unearthly scream. Whatever.
There was a presence I could feel deep in her mind. A presence that’d latched ahold of her and didn’t want to let go. I was feeling very Ian McKellan trying to get Dracula out of Captain Smith’s head in that moment, and I wasn’t sure if I was up to the task.
Finally Rachel locked eyes with me. Or rather the bitch controlling the magical strings locked eyes with me.
“I’m leaving for now, but know that you can’t trust this vessel. She’s mine,” the voice said, doing that weird doubling again.
Then a dark shadow ripped free of her and her eyes went from white to the deep brown I’d known before. They were pretty eyes, and I wanted nothing more than to kiss her.
So I did just that. I pressed my lips against hers and there was a hunger and passion as her lips opened to me. Our tongues dueled with as though we’d just faced down the end of the world and now the only thing that was left was sucking face like we were a couple of teenagers in the back of a chrome land boat from back in the ‘50s and the back half of the science fiction double feature had just started on the drive in screen.
I pressed against her, grinding against her body. She seemed just as intensely into this as I was. I also found myself worrying, on some level, that this might unintentionally become the world’s most disgusting threesome if that Dark Lady bitch decided to join in on the fun, but honestly I was so hot and bothered that I didn’t give it much thought.
My brain down below was thinking the more the merrier, for all that the brain up above was telling me it would probably be a bad idea. I made it a rule not to get involved with possessed people, to quote another great scientist who dealt with the supernatural.
Leila clearing her throat brought me out of the brief passionate celebration of life.
I pulled away and smiled down at Rachel. She smiled right back up at me, and I felt a warmth running through me that had nothing to do with the feeling down between my legs.
I mean that was adding to a lot of the warmth and the warm fuzzies that were going through me, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that this was something that felt like it went beyond the feeling in my dick.
“Are the two of you done yet?” Leila asked.
I turned to smile sheepishly at her. She stood there frowning down at us, and she had her staff pointed at us again. I sighed and rolled my eyes. I went to all that trouble to try and save the day, and we were right back to square one. Just my fucking luck.
“Seriously?” I said. “Haven’t we already established that doesn’t work on me?”
“It doesn’t work on you, but it will work on her,” Leila said. “And you saw it yourself. She’s a traitor, and the Dark Lady could take control of her any moment now.”
“She’s got a point,” Rachel said. “I don’t know what happened to me while we were between worlds, but the deal we made clearly isn’t the deal I thought I made. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted that bitch.”
“You shouldn’t have ever made a deal with her in the first place!” Leila screamed, her voice loud enough that some sort of winged creature that may or may not have leathery wings went flying out of the trees above us.
I figured the less time I spent worrying about something flying above us on leather wings, the better.
“Come on Leila,” Rachel said, getting up to her elbow and staring at the elf girl. “We both know that as gods went, I was a terrible one.”
Leila’s staff was shaking. The tip glowed, and it even made an ominous little hum that seemed to indicate there were a bunch of eldritch forces that were about to be pumped through that motherfucker and sent through Rachel.
I also felt the same rush I seemed to get every time she started doing her magic thing, and wondered if there was something to that. Now wasn’t the time to get into it though.
I walked up to her and placed my hand on the staff. It was still shaking, but at least my hand was over the tip. I just hoped that taking a blast on the hand wouldn’t lose me that hand. I’d already been able to take a blast to the chest, after all.
“Give her a chance,” I said. “She was doing the best she could with what she had.”
The surprising thing was I could sense that she was doing the best that she could with what she had. We’d had the conversation about everything that was going wrong in this world the night before, how she’d failed and now she was going back to our world, but this went beyond that.
I felt a bond pulsing between me and Rachel. A bond where I could sense the feelings coursing through her. It didn’t quite rise to the level of mind reading, but I could feel her disappointment at leading the elves to disaster after disaster. I could sense how she thought the only winning move was not to play, so she gave herself up to the Dark Lady in the hopes her sacrifice would mean someone else could be chosen who’d hopefully do better.
“She was doing it all because she thought it would help you,” I said, my voice soft.
“You can sense that in the bond?” Leila asked, a tear trickling down her cheek. “Do you have any idea how many died because of what she did? How many more might still die if we keep her around while she can be taken by the Dark Lady?”
“I don’t know any of that,” I said. “But maybe having someone coming in and seeing everything from the outside is what you need right now.”
Leila’s lip quivered. She looked like she was on the verge of losing it. She looked between me and Rachel.
“If it helps I really did think I was doing the right thing,” Rachel said. “You lose one champion and you get to choose another. One who’s far more qualified.”
Leila finally sighed, and low
ered the staff.
“I don’t like this, but I’m going to go along with it. For now.”
“That’s all I’m asking, for now,” I said.
I wasn’t sure how I’d managed to pull that off, but I figured if Rachel was still alive and Leila wasn’t going to do any killing then we were in a better place than we’d been. I wasn’t sure how much better that was considering there was still some crazy bitch out there calling herself the Dark Lady who was intent on killing my ass, but it was a start.
12
Enemies With Benefits
I looked Leila up and down. She was looking pretty good. Now that all that business about worrying that she was going to kill the other hot woman in my life had passed, I figured I could take the time to admire her.
She looked me up and down as well. Her mouth compressed to a thin line, she clearly wasn’t happy about the way things had turned out, but at least she was willing to give me a once over.
Oh yeah. The chemistry we’d shared in that tavern was coming back. Maybe. Hey, a guy could dream, for all that I was pretty sure it was a pipe dream.
“I was wondering when I’d find you,” she said, leaning on her staff.
“And it would appear I’m rescuing you from the bad guys once more,” I said with a smile.
“I don’t know if I’d call what you did in that alley a rescue,” she said. “I seem to recall me doing most of the work.”
“I’ll have to make that up to you next time,” I said with a wink. “Because far be it for me to let a lady do all the work.”
She blushed. It was a deep red color that was made all the deeper because of her light complexion. I wondered if that was because of the whole elf thing, or if it was because she spent so much of her time under the canopy in this dark forest.
“You shouldn’t talk like that in front of…”
She trailed off and looked to Rachel. Then she really surprised me by giving Rachel the kind of once over she’d just given me. The bigger surprise was that Rachel was giving her the same sort of once over. The kind that said she was ready to get down.
What the hell had I just gotten myself into, and what had I done in a past life that I’d earned this kind of karmic awesomeness?
“Um, could someone give me an idea of what’s going on here?” I asked.
“I can’t help but notice that you’ve gotten very cozy with the new champion,” Leila said, her voice icy.
“What’s it to you if I have?” Rachel asked. “Why should I talk to the woman who was trying to vaporize me with magic a minute ago?”
“Hold on,” I said. “That thing really vaporizes people?”
“Of course it does,” Leila said. “Why else would I be using it if it couldn’t do some serious damage with the thing?”
“You pointed that motherfucker at me!” I said.
“And I thought you were an agent of the Dark Lady,” she said with a sniff. “Not to mention you can’t be hurt by your magic.”
She returned to glaring at Rachel. Rachel stepped closer to Leila. Their glares were a challenge, but there was an electricity to it that had me rock hard.
“What’s it to you if I have a little bit of fun with the champion?” she asked. “It turns out he’s better than you at certain things anyway, and I always told you my interest ran that way too.”
Leila’s eyes burned. Like she was using magic to literally make her eyes look like there were deep blue flames burning in there. The kind of magical flames that made it clear someone was about to get a magical ass whoopin’.
I honestly thought they were going to start clawing at one another. I also didn’t think there was much chance Rachel was coing out on top in this fight. Leila clearly had some serious magic, and she was clearly able to use that magic in service of fucking shit up.
“Come on ladies,” I said. “I think we have more serious things to worry about here. I mean there’s an orc army out there, giant bat creatures in the trees looking all creepy and shit, and…”
“No,” Rachel said. “We do this now.”
“I’ll never let you hurt me again,” Leila said.
They were toe to toe now. I wasn’t sure if I should be turned on or worried, and my body settled for something in between which gave me the most confused boner of my life.
That was saying something considering some of the very confused boners the Internet had given me over the years.
Then they really surprised me by doing something I thought only happened in the pages of the old dead tree Penthouse magazines I’m sure my old man thought were hidden well away in the back of his closet.
They leaned in like they were getting ready to have one hell of a cat fight, but before the claws came out they were kissing each other instead.
I stood there, dumbfounded, watching these two making out. I was disappointed I wasn’t in the middle, but at the same time there were two insanely hot women making out in front of me. The pale hot elf chick with her lithe frame and the more curvy Rachel with her fiery hair melting into each other.
Only something about the way they were making out seemed off. Sure their hands were roaming all over each other, but the motions were jerky. As though they weren’t sure whether they were fighting or getting ready to fuck.
In those letters from Penthouse they always went on about how two women getting it on was soft. Passionate. There was lots of talk about going slow without the same hunger or drive as when a dude was involved in getting it on.
I figured most of those letters were written by dudes who’d never been near two girls making out, though, because there was definitely plenty of passion and desire to spare between these two.
No, they were going at it like they hated each other but they still wanted to get it on. Call it enemies with benefits.
Finally they parted. They stared into each other’s eyes, and that heat was still there. Desire warring with annoyance.
Then they turned to me. Rachel cocked an eyebrow, and Leila let loose with another one of those blushes.
“Um, could one of you explain what the hell is going on here?” I asked.
Rachel’s eyebrows shot up so fast that it was a wonder they didn’t break the bonds of gravity and go shooting for the upper atmosphere.
“What do you think is going on here?” she asked. “I know guys from your time aren’t afraid of women. Do they not fantasize about threesomes in your time or something?”
The thing that surprised me the most was that she was so matter of fact. I wouldn’t have expected a girl from her time to be so open about a threesome.
Then again she was from a time just after the sexual revolution and before AIDS, so maybe things were more laid back. Whatever. There was a beautiful girl offering up herself and her sexy elf friend, and I figured if two sexy girls asked if you wanted to get in the middle then you said yes!
I was quoting all kinds of noted paranormal investigators today. Damn.
I stepped in between them. I wanted to pinch myself to make sure this was actually happening.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” I asked. “You seemed like you were about to kill each other, and I really don’t want a sword at my danglies at the worst possible moment.”
Rachel grinned a mischievous grin that said she might’ve done something like that before. Who knew what she might’ve gotten up to while she was adventuring her way through this world?
“Isn’t any time the worst possible time to have a sharp pointy thing at your danglies?” she asked.
“You have a point,” I said.
“It’s part of our deal,” Leila said, letting out a low growl. “If we find a pretty then we have to share.”
“A pretty? Share?” I asked.
“I don’t think that agreement is binding anymore considering she just tried her best to kill me, but are you really complaining about this arrangement?” Rachel asked.
What was I doing? There were two insanely hot women who wanted to get with me, and I was standing aro
und like a putz trying to find reasons for them not to do all the terrible depraved things they wanted to do to me.
What kind of idiot looks a gift threesome in the mouth like that? Okay, not the best metaphor, but what the fuck ever.
So I turned and leaned into Leila. Her mouth parted and her eyes closed as I brushed my lips against hers. There was an electric current that passed between us, and her eyes shot open.
“Never had that happen before?” I asked, arching an eyebrow at her.
She touched her lip. She really did seem genuinely surprised at the spark that’d jumped between us.
“Never,” she said. “Not even with Rachel when she had the dungeon core at her center. I’ve…”
“Just go with it,” I said.
I pressed my lips against her again. Again she gasped and pressed her lips to me, wrapping her arms around me as sparks danced between us. Oh hell yes, this was getting good.
That gasp turned to a moan as I moved my hands between her legs. She gasped as I went for a repeat of the night before. Meanwhile Rachel was kissing along my neck and moving her hands along my body from behind. She pulled up on my shirt, and I reluctantly pulled my hands away from Leila long enough for her to pull it off.
We were a mess of kissing and writhing limbs as we moved to the ground, and I found myself in the enviable position of having two sexy women on either side of me. I tried to move my hand down between Leila’s legs again, but she grabbed my wrist and shook her head from side to side.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“You did that last night,” she said, then blushed. “And Rachel said you were better than me.”
It was clear that was more of a question than a statement. A question and an invitation. I grinned. If my reputation was going to precede me then I was more than happy to give her exactly what she wanted!
Puny God Page 12