No One But You

by KC Kendricks

  "Everyone gets jealous sometimes. I hate it when guys hit on you, too."

  "Yes, but I doubted you, based on a smartass remark by someone we barely know."

  I put my hand in his and watched his eyes mist with relief. "I never cheat on you, Stacy Lee James. Never. I've told you before that no one else makes me tingle, and it's the truth."

  That was as much as I dared tell him today. I might confess to Aaron kissing me another day, when we were on more solid footing, some lazy afternoon when he was in the mood to find it amusing that my dick didn't even get a twitch from it.

  "I know that, lover. I'm truly sorry for questioning you and for suggesting you needed to sleep elsewhere." He reached out with his free hand and drew my mouth to his.

  The kiss was light, a mere brush of his lips to mine, but I knew him. Here at the shop, where a member of my family might walk in, it was a major statement.

  "Let's go home, Levi."

  My stomach clenched and churned out some extra acid to mix with the coffee. I didn't much care for the burn that bubbled up into my chest, either. I shook my head. "I can't."

  His stunned gaze locked with mine. My lover paled. I held his hand tighter.

  "Listen to me, Stacy. Please."

  He swallowed, hard, like maybe he was as queasy as I was.

  "I love you, Stacy, and I'm really ashamed of what I said to you. You didn't..."

  "It's okay, Levi. You wouldn't have lashed out at me if I hadn't accused you of being unfaithful and hiding it."

  I pulled my hand away. "It's not okay. It's not. You always do that. I do or say something stupid, and you say okay." I held up my hand when he opened his mouth to speak.

  "No. Let me say this, Stacy. From the very beginning, you took the lead, and I followed. You drove it home to me that you were older and wiser. And you are. I've learned so much from you, and I owe you a debt of gratitude for it. But you made allowances for me where you shouldn't have. You're trying to do it again today. Now I have to think about that."

  Stacy looked at me as if he had some changeling land in his nest. He nodded. "You're right. I do that, but it's so you know whatever you said or did doesn't change the way I feel about you."

  He linked his fingers behind his neck and rolled his head, then looked at me again. That neck tension was a dead giveaway to his stress level. Me being the cause of it was something new, though.

  "Levi, what you said hurt. I wondered about myself for years because he was a cute kid, and if he'd been eighteen, yes, maybe I'd have had sex with him. I lived in hell for twenty years, and you know that. I forgive you, but I may not forget it. Can you live with that?"

  This was one of the demons he lived with--that he'd been attracted to the boy who'd leveled the false accusations at him. But a boy of twenty finding a boy of sixteen attractive wasn't the same as a man of forty becoming involved with a man of twenty-five, which was our case five years ago.

  I was already a man then, albeit younger and lacking maturity in some things. I was of age, and I knew what I was doing. I fully understood the associated risks of a sexual relationship with him.

  He'd wrestled with his attraction to me, fearing something dark and evil did live inside him. It didn't. It never had, and it never would.

  Some people talk about seeing auras, and I saw Stacy's. It was good and pure and kind--everything right in the world. But what about mine? What did I want it to be?

  "I have to live with it, Stacy. I can't take it back. I'm not asking you to forgive me or forget I said it. You can't say 'okay' and make me forget I hurt you. I tell you I love you and then I cut you. I'm struggling with what kind of man that makes me. Not the kind I want to be, I can tell you that, and I can't forgive me for saying it."

  Stacy took a deep breath and straightened. The stunned look on his face tore at me. "You're not coming home at all, are you?"

  My eyes flooded. I thought I had a better grip on myself, but...wrong again. I shook my head. "Not for a while. I need to figure out a few things about myself."

  He asked what I knew he would because I'd asked myself the same question. "Why can't you do that from home?"

  "I'm afraid I'll do what I always do, Stace. Let you fix it. Only this time, you can't."

  "If I knew what to say to you, Levi, I'd say it. It's not going to be easy for me, but I have to trust what we have together will bring you home."

  The tears that blinded me overflowed and ran down my face. I hated crying in front of him--I never had before--but he reached out and dried my face with his hands. I forced the words out, fearing the answer and feeling like the kid I so desperately wanted to stop being. "Will I have a home to come to?"

  "Yes. Where are you going to be?"

  "I haven't figured that out yet, exactly. Maybe just blow my winnings on an efficiency unit at the motel for a few weeks."

  Stacy managed a weak smile. "A few weeks? That's not so long."

  "It's forever without you."

  He closed his eyes, then slowly opened them. "You don't have to prove anything to me, Levi. May I offer one little bit of wisdom, and then I swear I'll shut up?"

  I took his hand again. "I have to prove a few things to myself, Stace." I did my best to smile at him. "Your advice is always good."

  "Beating yourself up over a few words spoken in the heat of anger won't make the guilt any easier to bear. Take what time you need, then come home to me."

  Stacy stood, and I knew he was leaving. I climbed to my feet and grasped his arm, pleading with my eyes for him to understand. He did. His arms came around me. We clung to each other for long moments. I committed everything about him in this moment to memory. His grip loosened, and my resolve faltered. Stacy was my foundation. Did I really know what I was doing?

  I needed him so much, but I needed to understand myself even more.

  I let him go.

  * * *

  Chapter 8

  * * *

  The efficiency suite at the motel was comfortable enough, but it wasn't home. I looked forward to peace and quiet to make a few decisions for my life, but it was not to be. Aaron blabbed to Leon, who, in turn, told everyone. Word spread like wildfire that Stacy and I were fighting, and nothing I said convinced my friends otherwise.

  The guys, all seven of them, arrived after Saturday's competition, and gave me a ball-by-ball recount of their victories. Our team made it to the second round.

  To a man, they turned suspicious eyes on Aaron, forcing me to defend my director, repeatedly explaining that two gay men didn't automatically unzip and have at each other. I had to force them out the door at midnight.

  I should have let them stay. At least they would have been company while I didn't sleep. I missed Stacy's warmth, his slow, steady breathing in the darkness beside me. Dawn came and he wasn't there, rolling over to wrap his arms around me for those last few precious moments of touch before the alarm went off.

  My quest for solitude thwarted, I spent Sunday afternoon under my friends' watchful eyes as Aaron and I reworked the schedule to incorporate ten- to twelve-hour days for the next five, possibly even six days. That way, the film crew could get a week off, and the regular mechanics could get some work out the door. It would be intense, but worth it.

  About Stacy and me, Aaron didn't inquire. He did, however, have a few words of advice about my buddies treating him like a home wrecker. Aaron counseled me to ignore them and not hold it against them. The guys were hard-wired in a different male perspective. Stacy's words that the gang couldn't always relate to me echoed in my mind.

  I grappled with the knowledge I had my own hard-wiring that wasn't straight, and yet maybe it wasn't totally gay either. Some of the talk among the older gay men I knew, Stacy's acquaintances, left me cold. Whatever categorization society wanted to slap on me, I was still Levi first. But who did I want Levi to be?

  Monday mid-morning, I left Aaron and the film crew with Uncle Danny dismantling the body of the GTO and went home for some clothes. An envelope lay on
my dresser. I opened it and found two tickets to a baseball game next month, along with a note. I plopped down on the bed, swearing to myself I wasn't going to sniffle over this.

  The date was five years, exactly, since the first ball game Stacy and I went to together. That was the day we made love for the first time, too. The ivory vellum shook as I read the message, carefully written in Stacy's bold hand.

  Levi, I hope you'll go to the ballgame with me on this, our special date. Stacy.

  I looked closer at the tickets. He'd purchased them some weeks back and gotten the same seats we'd had that day, five short years ago.

  Well, the man did have a romantic streak, whereas I seemed to lack one. Maybe I needed to work on that. I chased him around the house for sex, but that wasn't the same as initiating any sort of courtship rituals with him. Was it too late to start? I pondered the possibilities while I tossed a few things in a bag, enough for a day or so.

  I needed space to think, but I needed to be in and out of the house, too. That way, maybe Stacy would sleep easier. I certainly would.

  One thing I knew for sure--wild horses couldn't keep me from going to that ball game with him. I scrounged around for a pen and added my answer to the bottom of the sheet. Knowing him, he'd save the paper, so I made a stab at romance.

  Stacy, I wouldn't want to spend the day with anyone else. Thanks for getting the best seats in the house. Levi. PS. We'll take the 'Vette.

  The last was a reference to that first date, when I asked him to go to the ballgame, and when he accepted, told him we'd take his Corvette. I laid the note and the tickets on his pillow, knowing the tickets were safer left with him than at the motel.

  Stopping in the kitchen, I snagged a can of soda and noticed a note by the phone. I recognized Mrs. Gilcrest's writing and, being the nosey sort, I picked it up. My blood froze.

  Johns Hopkins. Tuesday. 3:00 pm.

  Dizzy, I fell onto a chair and put my head down. The tired, drawn look on Stacy's face when he came back from the coast last week that had haunted me for days rose up to taunt me. Something was wrong and he hadn't told me. Why?

  Because I was off acting like some prima donna asshole trying to get my head together over...what? A few hurt feelings? A shitload of shame? Yeah, I needed to grow up.

  Like right now.

  My hands shook so badly I dropped my cell phone. I scooped it up and hit speed dial. After what seemed an interminable wait, Stacy's voice was in my ear. I knew he was smiling.

  "Hello, Levi."

  "Hey. Where are you?"

  There was a bit of a pause, the space of a breath. "At the office. Are you okay? You're wheezing."

  Was I okay? He wants to know if I'm okay? I sucked in a lungful of air and hoped to hell it helped. "Me? Wheeze? Nope. Wanna meet me for lunch? I'll buy."

  There was another one of those damned, short pauses. "I wish I could. You're certainly more interesting than a Chamber of Commerce luncheon."

  "Blow it off, Stace. It's all a rehash of continuing issues that never get solved anyway."

  "Oh, don't tempt me too far. What time are you leaving the shop tonight? Why don't you meet me at the driving range?"

  Because I need to see you now! "I'll grab my clubs. See you a little after six?"

  "That works. I miss you, Levi."

  The connection broke. I stared at my phone and clamped down on my nerves. He was all "business as usual," and I needed to adopt that attitude, too. There was one thing more I'd do right now. I went into Stacy's study, powered up his computer, and delved deeper into his files, guiltlessly. Completely guiltless.

  Tomorrow afternoon was blanked out as "private" on his calendar, but no notation. That wasn't like him. I didn't snoop, but his calendar was always open on the screen, and in the course of five years together, I knew his organizational habits.

  Needing more information from any source I could find, I checked his Internet browsing history, which was snooping, plain and simple. I washed cold as I read the websites listed. He'd been checking out the hospital's website extensively. I clicked on a link. My stomach clenched, my heart stopped. I broke a cold sweat.

  The pages were on HIV research and treatment.

  In my mind, I heard his voice telling me he'd never cheated on me, yet what was in front of my eyes led down another, terrifying road.

  Coincidentally, in the month before our first meeting, we'd both been tested. Stacy got tested every year, and I'd had a girlfriend confess to sleeping with another guy while still having sex with me, which didn't make me happy at all, so I went. Stacy and I were both negative.

  We were both tested again a year later during regular checkups. Those tests were also negative, and we relaxed, perhaps farther than we should have, but our relationship was committed and exclusive. By the time we celebrated our second full year together, safe sex was a thing of the past.

  I knew Stacy. For him to sneak around and fuck someone else just didn't fit with the man he was. And to lie about it? No, that was definitely not Stacy James. His dick did not lead him around any more than mine led me to stray, although he didn't have the same problem I had, and I knew it. I'd seen him take notice of other guys--but looking was free.

  Surely this was something else, and my imagination was just running amok over nothing.

  Surely.

  But I couldn't think of anything else.

  Had he accused me to cover his own infidelity? That didn't fit with Stacy's character either. What the hell was I looking at?

  I had to get back to The Chop Shop. The engine had to come out of the GTO today or the schedule was blown. My dad would take one look at me and know something was wrong, but I'd muddle through the rest of the day if it killed me.

  Bad thought if Stacy was positive, because if he was, then I...

  I slammed the door to that thought. I didn't have the facts and to lose my composure over pure speculation wouldn't help me or anyone else. I checked the time as I walked back into the shop.

  It was only ten o'clock. I had eight hours before I could hope to get any answers.

  * * * *

  Stacy met me in the far corner of the parking lot at the driving range, relaxed and smiling, and looking like he'd snapped up an afternoon nap. He always parked the Corvette out away from everyone, and this time I wouldn't tease him about it. I pulled the pickup in, slanting it across the front of the 'Vette to use it as a visual shield to the people already practicing. I rolled out of the truck and into his arms.

  He was solid and strong as always, and I couldn't accept he might be sick. Stacy held me as tightly as I held him, his voice husky in my ear. "I miss you, puppy. I wish you'd come home."

  "Here I thought you'd tell me how nice and quiet the house is without me cranking up the surround sound." I buried my face in his neck and breathed in his scent.

  "It's too quiet, darling. I need a little background noise." His fingers cupped the back of my head. I knew what he wanted because I wanted it, too. I settled my lips on his, intending to kiss him forever.

  His sharp breath, the tension in his thighs, his tongue dancing with mine all sang a siren song to my cock. I hardened in a few pounding heartbeats, reveling in the way my groin tightened, the shivers that skittered over my skin. Stacy backed me to the Silverado and pressed his pelvis to mine. I moaned into his mouth, needing him. His feverish lips slid along my jaw line.

  "Levi, I need you to come home." He pulled back and looked at me with eyes gone dark and hot, and wise as ever. "We were hard on each other, but let's pick ourselves up and move on from it. Has this got anything to do with your ambivalence about being gay?"

  He always saw me so clearly, whereas I was often a mystery to myself. I loved Stacy beyond all doubt, and beyond this earthly realm. I had no reservations, no hesitations, about the physical side of our relationship. I wanted him sexually, and I felt no guilt or shame over anything we did when we made love. But the idea of doing those things with a different man left me--uninterested. Yet, I didn't get
hot and bothered about women either.

  "It's not that, exactly, although I do have a hard time seeing myself the way Dad and Uncle Danny talked about queers when I was growing up. I heard how faggots are girly, simpering drag queens, doing anything to get fucked up the ass. That's not me."

  Stacy hugged me. "No, that's certainly not you. And they have a very different opinion of gays now. You've enlightened them, Levi, and you don't disappoint them...or me." His hands cupped my face. "I hope you aren't a disappointment to yourself."

  I grasped his wrists and stared at him, all but undone by his understanding. His eyes appeared a darker blue in the shadow of the truck.

  "Stop beating yourself up over it, lover."

  "What I said to you, Stace. That's not you either. I can't take the words back, and I don't ever want to say them again."

  "You won't." He kissed me again, an easy, lingering kiss that made my knees quiver before he pulled back and smiled at me. "Come on. Let's hit a few buckets. You can flutter your lovely, long eyelashes at that little girl behind the counter so she gives us newer balls."

  I kept a firm grip on his wrists when he tried to move away. I had to open the door to what I'd found this morning. I needed to give him a chance to tell me what was going on.

  "Stace, why don't we get a tee time for tomorrow afternoon? Aaron will howl about the schedule, but he'll understand."

  He looked away. "I can't. There's something I've got to take care of tomorrow afternoon."

  "What?"

  Stacy shook his head. "Just something. I'll tell you about it when the dust settles, okay?"

  It wasn't. I took a deep breath and plowed ahead. "Stace, are you sick?"

  Holding him as I was, I felt the shock go through him. "No. I'm fine. Why?"

  I couldn't tell him I'd been snooping, not yet, but I wasn't going to let him off the hook any more than he did me. "Are you telling me the truth?"

  He didn't fake the surprise that swept his face. No one was that good. Stacy gave me a little shake, his intense gaze locked with mine. "I've never lied to you. Now I'm asking you to trust me the same way I'm trusting you."