Make Me Forget
Page 8
I try to hide a yawn, but he sees it and laughs.
“You need some sleep.” He leaves the bed and walks around to tuck me in. Then he leans down and gives me a kiss, his lips lingering on my cheek. “I’m gonna sleep on the couch, but let me know if you need anything else. Tomorrow I want you to tell me what’s hiding behind those beautiful blue eyes of yours.”
***
The next morning, I feel nauseous. I finally decide to get up when I hear him moving around. Knowing he’s here, and that he’ll continue to ask questions I’m not ready to answer, is making me nervous.
After freshening up and throwing on some skinny jeans and a t-shirt, I find Travis in the kitchen making breakfast. He has his back to me, and I lean on the doorframe to watch him. I can smell the bacon frying, but that’s not what’s making me hungry. The old faded blue jeans he’s wearing hug his ass perfectly. There’s a hole by the back pocket, and I can see his black boxer briefs underneath it. His tight black t-shirt stretches across his broad shoulders, and the muscles in his forearm bulge slightly as he lifts the pan from the stove.
When he turns to put it into the sink, he spots me and smiles. “Morning, sweetheart. How are you feeling?”
Suddenly self-conscious that he caught me staring, I push away from the door and go to the fridge for some orange juice. I keep my face hidden behind my hair, hopeful he can’t see the pink hue my cheeks have taken on. “I feel pretty good. Whatcha making?”
“Your favorite.”
“Really?” I squeal and peer over his shoulder to see two plates of French toast and bacon.
“Yup, it’s ready. Sit down and eat.”
We take our seats on opposite sides of the breakfast bar in my tiny kitchen. I used some of the money I received from my parents’ life insurance policies and the sale of our house in Texas to buy my condo. It’s perfect for me. Two bedrooms and one bathroom with an open concept throughout the rest. Being only a few blocks from the lake and the balcony are what sold me on the place. Plus, I don’t have to do any yard work. I never want to do yard work again as long as I live.
He slides the plate toward me and pours us each a glass of juice. I don’t wait for him to start before I cut a piece and dig in.
“Ohmigod– heaven,” I groan as I take my first bite. “I wish you would tell me how you make this. I’ve never had French toast that’s crunchy on the outside.”
“It’s my mom’s recipe. I’ve been sworn to secrecy.” He laughs, taking a bite.
There are no words spoken as we eat, but we keep making eye contact, and I smile every time it happens. I finish my food in record time, and without thinking, I tell him, “I haven’t had breakfast with anyone since you all those years ago.”
“What, not even your mom?” His brows come together, and his voice reflects shock.
Shit, I didn’t mean to say that. I quickly get up and grab my dirty dishes. I busy myself cleaning them since I don’t have a dishwasher, the only downside of this place.
His stool scrapes along the floor, and his steps get closer. He stands behind me at the sink and boxes me in with his arms, his chest flush with my back. An involuntary shudder courses through my body when he moves the hair off the right side of my neck and replaces it with his mouth. “Do you have any idea how hard it was waiting for you to come back to me? How badly I wanted to get you and bring you back here?”
“Why didn’t you?” I pant.
“I saw you with him. You opened the door, and when he leaned down and kissed you, my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on right in front of me.”
He rests his head on my shoulder and tightens his arms around me. “I couldn’t believe you moved on. Took every fucking ounce of strength I had not to knock his ass out and make you come with me. But you seemed so comfortable with him, so happy. Fuck. It killed me, but I ended up walking away. Hardest thing I’ve ever had do. You deserve happiness, even if it isn’t with me.”
I’m stunned speechless. If I had known he came down for me, I would have dropped everything. I would have left that life to be with him. I remember the day he’s talking about. It was the day I thought I saw him. Things with Todd were still new, so I was happy to see him. He clouded my judgment, and I ended up with him for way too long. In that time, he changed me into a person I’m not proud of. I’m trying to get my old self back, and with the help of my therapist, I’m almost there.
“There’s something else going on with you, though.”
“How do you know?” I sigh as his mouth trails feather light kisses up and down my neck. The combination of his day old stubble and the whisper of his tongue have me weak in the knees. I grip the edge of the countertop to keep from falling.
“Your eyes, sweetheart. They tell me everything without you having to say a word, they always did. And you not looking into mine is all the proof I need. Tell me. Let me help you.”
God, I want this man. Everything about him is perfect for me, but I can’t. I’m too afraid of how he’ll react. The longer I hold him off, the longer I can prepare myself. I have to talk to my therapist because I don’t know if I can lose him when he finds out. I can’t lose another person that I love. “Travis, I can’t,” I reply staring down at the water that is circling around the drain.
“I know, sweetheart. I’ll wait as long as it takes. But this…” He grips my shoulders and turns me around, forcing me to look at him as he frames my face with his strong hands. Those eyes that remind me so much of the lake penetrate through me and see more than anyone ever has. “This is nowhere near over.” He runs his thumb over my lip and smiles before turning to walk away.
10
Charlotte
“Last session, you were hesitant to talk about your breaking point. Do you want to share that with me today?”
I look up at my therapist and grin. I’ve been meeting with her for almost six months since I moved back. “I was hoping you would forget about that.”
“I bet you did, but it’s my job to remember what you say.” She leans forward on her desk, encouraging me to talk. I guess it’s now or never. I’ve been as vague as possible with her until this point.
“Well, like I told you earlier, Todd came by every Friday night. He brought me dinner and would check on my mom. Then, well, you know what happened.” I look down at my feet, avoiding eye contact, because I’m so embarrassed.
“I want you to tell me in your own words what happened.”
“We had sex.”
“Okay, go on.” She smiles.
“My mother’s funeral was on a Thursday. He was there and gave me his condolences. I didn’t expect him to show up the next night, but he did. After he, umm, tied me up and stuff, he said he would be right back. This wasn’t unusual. He often left me lying there waiting for him. I think it was all part of the control.” I take a sip of water and continue, trying to get the words to come out right.
“Anyways, when he came back, he dragged something across my skin. I couldn’t see it because I was blindfolded.” I look back up to see Dr. Reynolds nodding. “The first time he struck me, I was so confused. I tried to tell him to stop, but he didn’t hear me through the gag. Or probably thought I was enjoying it. Either way, he didn’t stop. He only hit me a few more times, but it was enough to leave scars.” The permanent marks on my lower back are a constant reminder of what a fool I had become.
“So, you’re telling me that the day after your mother's funeral, the man that you had been having a sexual relationship with, who happens to be your mother's doctor and who is fourteen years older than you, shows up after he’s already tied you up, blindfolded you, and gagged you?” Dr. Reynolds asks. I nod. “And you’re telling me that you had consensual sex. You said, ‘Yes, I want this’?”
“Well, yes. I mean no. He never asked me if I wanted to be hit, but he never asked me when he tried something new on me as it was. He couldn’t have known.” I shake my head when I realize I’m defending him. “Afterwards, he told me that he thought the pai
n was a great way for me to get my mind off of everything that I went through the day before. It wasn’t until after he left that I realized what happened. I can’t believe how pathetic I sound.” Dropping my head in my hands, I shake it, frustrated with myself.
“No, it’s not pathetic at all, Charlotte. You said you realized what happened. What did you realize?”
“That he didn’t even ask me if I wanted it!” My voice rises as I tell her my epiphany. “He didn’t care about me at all. I realized that I was not an equal in our so-called relationship.” I wipe my eyes to prevent the tears from falling and give a sarcastic laugh. “God, I can't believe I was so stupid.”
“Charlotte, look at me.” She pauses and waits for me to comply.
“You are not stupid. You were a young, naive girl in an impossibly tragic situation. There is nothing wrong in looking for some comfort. I’ve told you before, you were not wrong. He was wrong. He was supposed to be there as your dying mother’s doctor, not a sexual partner. You were eighteen when you met him. You were manipulated into thinking he was what you wanted when all along what you needed was a support system.” She leans back in her chair and takes a deep breath. “What this man did to you, Charlotte, it’s one of the worst cases of narcissism I’ve ever seen.”
I copy her by taking a deep breath, as well, and then let the fury fly. “I never told him no. How can you continue saying I was manipulated when I know damn well I liked it! Up until the day I decided I was done, I craved it. I counted down the minutes until I would see him again. It was the only time I felt alive, the only time I didn’t feel alone or empty. I wanted it. Every. Damn. Time!”
“If you wanted it so bad, then why did you vomit after he left? Every. Damn. Time.” She raises her eyebrow in question.
“That didn’t start right away,” I snap defensively and get another tissue to wipe my eyes again. “I know, okay. I get it. I was young, maybe it went too far. But I don't think he manipulated me. How can it be manipulation when, after all this time, I actually miss him? Well, not him, per se. But what he made me feel. If he showed up tonight, I’m not so sure I would push him away. It doesn't make any sense because I realize now our relationship was wrong on so many levels. But it’s not like he beat me or anything, except for that night, and I don’t consider that getting beaten. Now I’m babbling; I can’t even get my thoughts straight.”
“Just because you weren’t beaten doesn’t mean you weren’t abused. I want you to think about that until next week, okay?”
I nod in agreement.
“We also need to address the loss of your sister and your parents.” I part my lips to argue, but she shakes her head. “We’ve already talked about this, the suppression of your feelings of loss. If you’re ready, we’ll talk about that next week, too, alright?”
“’Kay, thanks,” I mumble. “Sorry I yelled at you.”
“Don’t apologize for feeling, Charlotte. I think you’re really starting to heal, and that makes me happy.”
As I’m driving back home, I stop by the lake. I take off my shoes and drag my feet through the sand to my spot, the place where I first met Travis. Remembering that summer always brings back so many emotions. Looking back, I recognize the seventeen-year-old me didn’t know shit. She was naive and immature. There are so many things I would change about my life and the path I’ve chosen. I have remorse for lying to him, but regret? Nope. If anything, I wish I could have had more time with the man I hold on a pedestal.
It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him, and I was worried he would have changed. The intensity in his eyes, how he sees through every thick layer I’ve ever built, the way he makes me feel safe. My heart smiles when I realize he’s still the same man I fell in love with. Once he finds out what I went through with Todd, I’m not sure he’s going to look at me as the sweet girl he used to know. The thought of him leaving me like everyone else has me guarding my heart even more, because I don’t think I could lose him again.
I lay on a large, smooth, gray rock on the shore and close my eyes.
I wake up to the sound of my phone ringing and reluctantly pull it out of my pocket to answer. It’s a number I don’t recognize, so I swipe my finger across the screen and ignore the call, and then put my phone on silent. My heavy lids have no problem closing again, even in the cooler weather.
“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.”
I wake to the sound of a very angry Travis and quickly open my eyes. As I take in my surroundings, I realize the sun is now setting. That’s another thing I love about living here, the sunsets. Nothing is more beautiful than watching the blazing bright sun fade into nothingness behind blue water. It’s indescribable. I have yet to see a picture that does it justice.
“Hey,” I mumble, sitting up.
“Hey? You’re sleeping on a fucking rock. Alone, Charlotte. What the hell is wrong with you?”
I tilt my head and see his jaw clenched and fists at his sides. His telltale sign when he’s pissed. He only ever calls me Charlotte when he’s mad at me. Apparently, today is no exception. My own anger builds quickly, and my refusal to be walked over again burns bright in the forefront of my mind. I will never let another man tell me what to do or be controlled. Ever. Including Travis. The initial shock of seeing him had me pliant, but not anymore. I vowed to be stronger.
Standing on the rock makes me taller than him, and I use that to my advantage. I plant my feet, put my left hand on my hip, and point down at him with my right, much like a parent scolding a child.
“Excuse me? What’s wrong with me?” Instead of letting him answer, I continue with my rant, “I’m an adult, Travis. I’m perfectly capable of making my own decisions.”
“Do you have any idea what could happen to you? Your decision, as you like to call it, is stupid.” He has sincerity in his voice, which makes me feel bad for a moment, but that’s quickly ruined when he calls me stupid.
“I’m fine. Nobody ever comes over here. And I don’t appreciate being called stupid, you asshole.” I cross my arms and rub away the chill that’s hit them, but refuse to look away from his eyes, which now reflect confusion.
“What happened to you?” His voice a mere whisper as he sees right through this fake persona I’m trying to play off. I’m a very non-confrontational person, and yelling at someone and calling them names makes me feel like a bully. This is not me, and he knows it.
Instead of answering, I turn away from his questioning gaze and sit back down to watch the rest of the sunset. He curses, and I hold my breath when his booted feet hit the rock and land on either side of me. Strong arms wrap around from behind, and warm, minty breath fans the side of my face. I cherish the security he brings and lean into him.
When the sun makes its final descent, I decide to answer his question.
“After I left that summer, I made a promise to myself I would come back when I graduated high school. I wanted to believe you and I were meant to be together, that my lying to you didn’t ruin what we felt for each other. I’m so ashamed I lied to you. I want you to know how sorry I am for that.” Turning my head, I make sure he sees the truthfulness on my face. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know, sweetheart.” He kisses my cheek, and I turn in his arms so I can rest my head on his chest.
“My dad had a heart attack. He was washing the car in the driveway and collapsed. We don’t know how long he was laying there before my mom found him. It could have been an hour or five minutes, but the agony in her cry… I didn't even have to see to know what was going on.” I wipe an unchecked tear that rolls down my cheek. “The look on her face when the doctor came to talk to us will be burned into my memory forever. It was like her soul left her body. She was a shell, empty and lifeless. I had to do everything, Travis.”
“What do you mean everything?”
“Everything. I planned the funeral, did the laundry, paid the bills, grocery shopped, cooked, did all the yard work. I had to get two jobs to help make ends meet.”
“I didn't want that. I didn't want anyone to drop anything for me. She was my mom, my responsibility. I already put you at risk by lying about my age. There’s no way I would have had you drop out of the academy to help me take care of her. I guess it was the same for my family. Mom refused to talk to them, and I didn't want to burden anyone else. I ran interference and played everything off the best I could.”
“But–” I cut him off with a finger to his lips.
“No, no more. I don't want to relive everything. I’m still working through some stuff. I’m tired. So damn tired, Travis.”
“Of course, if that’s what you want. Can I ask one more question?” After nodding my answer he continues, “Why were you here for so long without anyone but Meara knowing? How the hell did you manage to pull that off?” His lips turn up, and I can’t help but giggle at his question.
“I had everything delivered, and if I left the house, I went to another city. I wanted some peace. Some time to myself…” What I really needed was time to put on my big girl panties and face the facts. I was manipulated by a man, and he destroyed what little hope I had for a normal life. By nineteen, I had already lost my sister, father, and mother… I was doomed for failure. Todd made sure to deliver my fate on a silver platter. Slowly, but surely, I’m building up my confidence again, turning into a woman my parents would be proud of.
I take in the small waves crashing against the shore. Being held by Travis again makes me feel whole. I’m still not sure what I want to do with my life, but I do know I want this man, whose mere presence makes me actually feel again, to be at the crux of it.