Love and Pollywogs from Camp Calamity

by Mary Hershey

  I leaned across and wiped it off with my napkin.

  “Thanks!” she said, giving me a nice smile.

  “Hi, y’all!” Phil said, cruising by our table. “Can I get anyone a refill?”

  “We’re not at camp yet,” Nit said. “Go be helpful somewhere else.”

  Phil scooched in next to Aurora. “I’m glad you’re getting to come to camp even though you don’t go to Saint Dom’s anymore. I know the girls would have been heartbroken without you.”

  The girls? Oh, please. Like she was twenty-seven and we were three.

  “Changed my mind, Phil,” Nit said. “I’ll take some lemonade.” She thrust her glass at her sister.

  I did the same. “Iced tea, please—one lemon and two sugars.”

  “Root beer, and put a little orange soda in there, will ya, Phil?” Aurora wiped her glass on the front of her shirt. “Sorry, it’s a little sticky.”

  That was an understatement. Nit and I bit back grins.

  Phil grabbed a napkin out of the dispenser and wiped off Aurora’s glass. “Fine, I’ll get your drinks. I’ll let you all wait and hear the good news from Sister Lucille herself.”

  “What good news?” Nit asked, suspicious.

  Phil climbed out of the booth and flipped her hair over her shoulder in the exact sickening way that Maxey does.

  Then she raised a bony shoulder and dropped it. “Just the good news that Maxey is going to Camp Wicki with us!”

  • • •

  Mom must have mapped the whole thing out in advance in her coach’s playbook. Probably named it Defense Strategy #13: Effie Doesn’t See It Coming. Then she drew me as an X sitting at Big Arlene’s, where she figured I’d hear the news. She drew herself as another X, waiting under the home team basket. The third X would be Maxey, who would be at the movies so I couldn’t get to her. Because Mom knew that the minute I got my hands on Maxey, I was going to hurl her so far out of bounds she might even need her passport.

  When Sister Lucille dropped me off at my house, I raced up the front steps. I slammed the front door so hard the front windows rattled. Normally, I’m not a slammer; that’s Maxey’s specialty. But I’d never been so mad in my whole life. I’d been skunked by my whole family, and I was seeing stars from it.

  Mom came out of the kitchen with a bowl of popcorn. “Hi, Ef! How’d your meeting go?”

  “You’re joking about Maxey!” I gasped.

  “Come on, sit! Let’s talk.” She plopped down on our couch and patted the seat next to her.

  “I—can’t—sit!” I could barely speak.

  “Now, I don’t know what you heard, but it isn’t as bad as it probably sounds right now. Maxey will be working in the camp kitchen all week. You won’t even know she’s there!”

  “Fat chance of that!” I sputtered, spit flying. How could I not know that Bosszilla was at my fourth-grade camp?

  “Effie—”

  “Just tell her no! She can’t come! That’s what you always tell me to do!”

  “If you will just sit down for one second, Effie, I will explain everything.”

  I crossed my arms over my chest and glared. “There is nothing you can say that will make this okay with me. Ever!”

  “Have it your way,” Mom said, getting up. “When you calm down and want to talk, I’ll be in my bedroom. I have to pack.”

  I stood there dumbstruck as she left the room. Pack? Wha-a-at? She had to pack? Was she going to camp too? This was getting worse by the second. Was I going to have my big sister and my mom come to camp with me?

  “Why are you packing?” I hollered.

  She didn’t answer.

  “Okay! I’m sitting now, Mom.” I plopped down quickly. “You can come back! I’m ready to listen!”

  Not a peep. I jumped up and charged into her bedroom. She was pulling a big duffel bag from under her bed. I took a deep breath, sat down on the edge of the bed, and folded my hands. “I’m all calm now,” I lied. “What are you packing for?” I tried not to sound like I had a rope wrapped around my neck choking me.

  “I’m going to be at a nice long retreat in Austin that my boss was kind enough to offer me. She was scheduled for it herself, but her son has the chicken pox, so she can’t get away. She’s going to cover my team for me.”

  “Wull, gee, that’s great, Mom.” I knew she hadn’t been on a vacation since before Maxey was born. Unless you counted traveling on hot school buses full of screaming high school basketball players.

  “Your going to camp the very same week made the offer nearly perfect. But I needed somewhere for Maxey to stay. Normally, I could have had her stay at Phil’s, or Frank’s, but both of them will be away at camp, so—”

  So it made perfect sense to everyone but me that Maxey should just come along.

  Mom continued. “I really didn’t think I’d be able to go, but Sister Lucille offered to take Maxey. Honestly, Effie, she and I both understand how important this week is for you. But I promise you Maxey will be no trouble. We’ve made arrangements for her to bunk up with the camp staff, and not with your class. She completely understands that she’s not to interfere with your fun in any way. And, sugar, you’ve never been away from home. Might be kind of nice for you to know that Maxey is there, just in case you get a little homesick.”

  “I’m not going to get homesick! I get sick at home from Maxey bugging me all the time.”

  “Good, then you won’t need her. She’ll be very busy anyway. And don’t forget Frank will be there too. He won’t let Maxey bother you.” Mom sat down next to me and patted me on the back a few times like she was trying to burp me. “And,” she added, like this would seal the deal, “Maxey has given me her word.”

  Oh, gee, now I felt tons better. Maxey’s “word” is about as reliable as an ice cube on a sizzling-hot griddle. Or one of those tiny cocktail umbrellas in a Texas hailstorm.

  Her only “word” was t-r-o-u-b-l-e.

  “M-o-om!” Maxey called as she ran down the stairs. “Can I take your hair dryer to camp? If mine blows up, I’ll be stuck out there with flat hair.”

  It was just two days until camp, and I was downstairs in the kitchen with Mom. She was putting batteries in our flashlights and I was writing a long list of instructions for our neighbor, Mrs. Korn, who was going to take care of Pretty Girl while we were gone. Mrs. Korn has eleven kids, and some are old enough to be in charge of the other ones, so she was staying in our house for the whole week. I was worried about how we would pay her, but Mom said Mrs. Korn was more excited about having a week alone than I was about going to camp. She’d probably want to pay us!

  But taking care of a nineteen-year-old cat is a very big responsibility, and I didn’t want to forget to tell her anything.

  16. Please do not let your little boy Dominic ever come over to visit you, because he likes to pull cats’ tails.

  17. Don’t forget to give Pretty Girl a lot of treats while I’m gone. And keep telling her I’ll be back so she won’t think I up and died on her like Grandpa.

  Maxey came through the swinging kitchen door wearing her old camp T-shirt. It was too tight and showed her little chest bumps and belly button. But even worse, under where it read CAMP WICKITAWA, she’d written the word STAFF in her special glitter pen for writing on fabric.

  She was trying to get my goat, but I was determined to keep it.

  “Maxey, take that shirt off,” Mom said. “It’s too small for you.”

  “Fine!” she said, shrugging one shoulder. “I was just trying to help recycle. I didn’t want Saint Dom’s to have to give me a brand-new staff shirt if I could use this one.” She turned to me and gave my chest a squinty look. “Effie, would you like it? It should just about fit you.”

  “No. Thank. You,” I said, sharp icicles hanging from my words.

  I was buying my own T-shirt the minute I got to camp. Nit, Aurora, and I had already planned on getting exact matching ones. I tried to keep my mind on them, and how much fun we were going to have.

/>   “Effie, do you want me to go over your packing list with you?” Mom asked. “Do you need any help?”

  I shook my head.

  “Still pouting, I guess,” Maxey said. “Some people are very selfish and think only of their own good time.”

  “Maxey!” Mom shot her a warning look.

  “Well, she is being a total baby about this. Here I am giving up a week of my life to help out her class, and so you can go on a retreat, which you totally deserve, Mom!”

  The lava started to boil.

  “You’re about to foul, Maxey,” Mom said. “Do you really want to go there?”

  I headed upstairs and slammed the bedroom door behind me. Then I drug my desk in front of it so Maxey couldn’t get in. Moved her desk behind that, just in case. She can be pretty strong when she wants to be, even though she acts all delicate and girly. I’ve been in one too many headlocks with her. The girl has some muscle. But I’m strong too!

  I looked around the room for something of hers to wreck, like she was trying to wreck camp for me. Then I saw that she had her packing stuff spread all over her bed and mine, too. She’d even put my suitcase on the floor so she’d have more room to mess up my bed! Even worse, it was her underpants and bras on my bed! I grabbed up all her gross stuff and threw it back on her side. But then I changed my mind. I snatched it all back up and took it over to our window. We weren’t supposed to open it just then, because Frank had taken down all the upstairs window screens to fix and Mom had told us not to open any windows until he put them back, so we wouldn’t accidentally fall out. I’d been very good about keeping them closed, because I didn’t want Pretty Girl to take a dive either.

  I stood there with my arms full of Maxey’s stuff and bit down on my lip a second. I thought about what my best friends would do. Nit would put an evil curse on her big sister from the twenty-pound vampire book she was always reading. Aurora would probably whup her sister if she had one. So what would Effie do?

  I slid open the window. Quiet-like, though, because Mom could hear a flea fart in El Paso. I hurled the whole unholy mess right out! I leaned over and watched it all sail down to the front yard. A pair of polka-dot panties got stuck in the tree, and one of Maxey’s flat-chested bras hung off a bush by the front porch.

  I eased the window shut and huffed out a big steamy breath. I felt loads better already!

  I reached under Maxey’s mattress, where I knew she hid her candy stash from Mom. I pulled out a package of chocolate-covered raisins and tore the bag open with my teeth just like Aurora does. I knew I was asking for big trouble, but I was already done for. Why not go all the way?

  I punched some fluff into my pillow and grabbed my official camp handbook off my nightstand. Nit and I were reading the whole thing before we got there. Aurora was too busy with basketball practice to read hers, but we told her we’d fill her in on the bus ride on Sunday.

  Before I went to sleep the night before, I’d read the section about all the wildlife at Camp Wickitawa. It had started to creep me out—especially the snake part! Maybe Maxey would get bit by a snake the first day and get sent home. That thought cheered me up a lot.

  I tossed back a handful of candies and snuggled into the saggy place in my bed. The chocolate did its happy dance in my mouth.

  CAMP WICKITAWA HANDBOOK

  SECTION 4

  “LIONS AND TIGERS AND BEARS, OH MY!”

  Boys and girls enjoying the Camp Wickitawa experience will have the opportunity to see a number of animal species in their natural habitat. Some of our local wildlife include the armadillo, the hog-nosed skunk, the white-tailed deer, the gray fox, the coyote, and the rattlesnake. Our Lone Star State claims the highest number of snake species in the continental United States.

  I decided to wait and read that part on the bus with my friends!

  I thumbed to the back, where they stick all the rules. They hide them behind the good stuff so you won’t get too bummed out about going to a camp with so many rules. But if I was going to win Outstanding Camper of the Week, I had to know them backward, forward, and inside out.

  CAMP WICKITAWA HANDBOOK

  SECTION 12

  CAMPER CODE OF CONDUCT

  Rule #1

  Campers will remain under the supervision of their assigned counselor or counselor-in-training (CIT). Campers may not leave the campground area without proper supervision under any circumstances.

  Rule #2

  Campers will respectfully follow the instructions of their counselor, or in the absence of their counselor, those of their CIT.

  I breathed a sigh of relief. It didn’t say anything about having to obey the kitchen help!

  Rule #3

  Girls and boys may not visit each other’s cabins under any circumstances. All visiting between boys and girls will be done under the supervision of the counselors and CITs.

  Yuck. Who would want to visit the boys’ cabin? I bet it stank worse than a boys’ bathroom at school.

  Rule #4

  We strive to keep the Camp Wickitawa experience a time for boys and girls to enjoy the beauty of the natural world without distraction. Therefore, no electronic games, laptops, or cell phones are allowed at camp. (Staff may carry cell phones for emergency use only.)

  Rule #5

  All campers will shower daily and keep themselves clean. All clothing will be changed daily with no exceptions.

  I dropped from my bed down to the floor and lugged my suitcase back up on the bed. Counted how many pairs of socks I had packed. Only three! Uh-oh. I had a bad habit of wearing my socks more than one day. Especially if they were my favorite red striped ones. I went to my drawer and pulled out four more pairs so I would have seven total.

  That was a lot of rules so far, and I wasn’t even done reading them yet. I couldn’t afford to break any. But I’d have to work extra hard at it with Maxey there. She’d love to get me in trouble so I’d get sent home. But that worked both ways. I was sure she had to follow the rules too. Right?

  I flipped the pages back and forth, looking for some rules for the kids who work in the kitchen. Like … If your poor little sister is at camp, you don’t get to boss her around at ALL, even if you get away with it at home. Or All kitchen help who are girls have to stay out of the boys’ cabins too, or else. ’Cause I was betting that was part of Maxey’s plan—trying to get some kissy-face with some boy while Mom wasn’t around. Otherwise, why did she even want to go? She’s mostly in love with her teacher, Mr. Constantino, but he’s already married. I heard Maxey tell Phil once that even though she thinks the boys in her class are a bunch of big wieners, she needs to start practicing kissing on them so she’ll be ready when she gets to high school.

  The doorbell rang and I heard the front door open. Maxey was talking to someone, and then her voice got louder. Mom joined in, and next thing I knew there was a lot of yelling from the front yard.

  I looked out the bedroom window and saw Maxey racing around the lawn grabbing up her panties. Two of the Turner boys were out there watching and having a big laugh. Excellent! This would be all over the neighborhood by tomorrow morning.

  Mom grabbed a rake from the side of the house and tried to knock the polka-dot britches out of the tree. I ducked so she wouldn’t see me.

  I began to count.

  Ten, nine, eight—

  The front door banged.

  Seven, six, five—

  A stampede headed upstairs.

  Four, three, two, one—

  “You are DEAD MEAT, EFFIE!”

  On Sunday morning at 8:45, all thirteen girls and twelve boys from my class were in the St. Dominic’s parking lot. Maxey and a couple of the other older kids who were helping at camp had left the day before to get everything ready for us. Maxey had gloated in my face about getting to go first. I didn’t care when she left as long as she wasn’t on my bus ride to camp.

  Sister Lucille raced around like she’d had way too much coffee, which she usually gives up for Lent because she says it’s h
er vice. She wore a red Camp Wickitawa Staff tee over her nun outfit, and it looked sort of hilarious. She had on hiking sandals too, instead of her regular nun shoes. Her toenails were not painted black, I noticed, which I thought they might be since it would match her habit.

  I was so super happy that Frank would be at camp! Mr. Giles, who had been to the last twenty-eight camps, needed to have his knee recapped that week, so Frank was taking his place. Honestly, I thought the boys were going to have way more fun with Frank than with Mr. Giles, who is more of an indoorsy man. Frank is my mom’s BFF from college, and even lived with us for a while. Officially, he’s a priest, but he’s taking a time-out from the church, but not from God, as he likes to say. He is very handsome, and I bet if he gives up being a priest, he’s going to have a lot of woman problems. As in, too many women wanting to marry him!

  Aurora was shooting her basketball a few last times while we waited for everything to get put on the bus. Sometimes I feel jealous of Aurora’s basketball talent. I wish there was something I loved as much as she loves basketball.

  The thing I love more than anything is having two best friends. So far I wasn’t a star at it. Maybe by the time camp was over I would be. Especially if I won Outstanding Camper. Everyone would wish that I was their best friend.

  But I wouldn’t trade mine for anything, of course!

  Principal Obermeyer drove into the parking lot in her shiny silver pickup truck. It has a rainbow sticker on the back window, which Maxey and Phil say means she’s a big ol’ lesbian. I said it might mean that she likes rainbows, but they just rolled their eyes at me. I don’t care what she is as long as she’s my principal. She scares some kids, but I know she’s like one of those dark chocolate candies with a soft marshmallow center.

  She jumped out and hurried over. She didn’t have a camp shirt on, because she wasn’t coming with us. I wished she could, but she had to run the school while we were gone. But she was wearing a big smile. She clapped her hands for us all to gather round.