Diary of a Robot

by Gabriel Wolf

  So this whole eating process was disappointing, like, a big zero. I didn't see anything interesting in it. No smaller species gone extinct before my eyes, in the acid, nor a large, red quantity of it erupted from Gabe's organ back there, down below. They may also have an opening there as well, because sometimes they sit on it, in the so-called 'toilet' room, and use that valve to drain condensed water, or used oil from their bodies. Unfortunately, it looks like acid doesn't come out of that valve, either.

  So eating is nothing else than that: they spear up small vegetables and other lifeforms (I don't know, but there may be lifeless things among them too, such as stones, for example, or gearwheels) and without performing any spectacular fight with them, they simply put them into their heads through the feeding slot. I've been waiting for this moment for a long time and this is really not much. Let's say that, compared to the amount of waiting, the experience turned out to be a huge zero, that is, useless. It doesn't matter. At least I learned from it. We can't always expect a 'big bang' like from a surprise ball. If nothing else, at least, I finally learned from it the location of their head organ, I can already use that word too... Stop! System error!

  Connection between a surprise ball and a human head... Is there a connection? It's been hard to focus for a while. Is it possible that the minor system error that Gabe caused in the interrogation room, started to spread? That small electrical fluctuation in a socket of a light bulb... can it already be ship-wide, affecting the entire security system, even my cameras? And is this why it's harder to focus on one particular event?

  Connection between a surprise ball and a human head... Is there a connection? Is it possible that the man in cabin No.76, who's working on that surprise ball, wasn't actually refilling his forehead with water, but was lying with a wet hanky on his head, because he had a headache? Is this the connection? Would that be the previously heard 'wet rag for a headache' method? Or do they use that to reduce fever? I'm not sure...

  What?! Headache? Fever? Wet rag?! This is exactly what Ryarson talked to the doctor about! This is a symptom of parasitic infection! There's a Vorgon larva in that person! That man is not positive! Not useful! Danger! Alert! Increased Critical System Alert! Virus in the system! They called it a parasite in someone's body. So they also know the term 'system virus'. I must make that infected person stop! Ryarson said the infected man is dangerous, and they don't know what he is capable of. They would even throw a useful worker out an airlock because of it, even though I already know how much humans appreciate the importance of work. Just as much as it seems important to my processor too. So I have to stop the virus, the parasite, before it would cause damage to that man, or even to the whole starship! But how could I do that? I cannot influence anything! I can't even talk without a speaker. According to them, I would need minimum three years to learn to talk, even roughly, the way children do! So even if I told them something, they wouldn't listen, they would think it's only background noise, which is senseless, irrelevant. How can a man prevent grave danger, if he can't do anything physically, yet he's the only one who knows about the whole thing? This is impossible! Do I really have to watch so many useful people die? It doesn't sound like much of an entertaining idea, as it was in the case of vegetal beings. What will this infected man cause? Destruction?

  He said: "it will go off with a loud bang". Is it possible that he never meant it as a cathartic experience, that we would all enjoy?

  No. The loud bang means explosion!

  He's making a bomb!

  And I almost watched the whole thing without doing anything about it! I even smiled to myself about how well he's making that 'surprise ball', like a real craftsman. I can't believe this! How did I make such a huge mistake? Everyone will be gone forever! All the useful human workers! And I was even cheering him, like a real moron! How pathetic I am! Useless! A big zero!

  But enough with self-pity. It won't help me solve anything. I have to act. Maybe I can still do something! If I could find something to send a warning signal with, about the trouble, that could already help them find it by themselves! That's what I need to do! To signal somehow! With anything I can find. Even if they won't understand. If only I could lead them somehow to the infected, and then they could throw him out the airlock, if necessary! I can't do it for them, but maybe they'll prevent the danger if I lead them to it!

  In the conventional sense, I'm physically unable to do anything. Therefore, I can't warn anyone either. Normally. When everything's working properly. But what if there's a system error? If something isn't working properly, couldn't I possibly affect it somehow? Did these people think about this, when they decided that recognition would be my only ability? I may not be able to affect working things, but what about the faulty ones?

  How could I cause an error? Probably I never could. Because I can't influence the events I'm recording. So, this won't work. Negative.

  But is it really sure? What if something's already faulty? In the interrogation room, after Gabe had slammed the door for the second time, the bulb began to blink. Couldn't I somehow affect that?!

  *****

  I'm immediately switching to the camera in the interrogation room: Bobby has been here currently, but not for making confessions or sending messages to the green-colored loved ones on Earth. He's doing maintenance work. Not on himself, he's not sleeping now, he's repairing something. He's fixing the cause of the electrical fluctuation?! Nooo!

  I have to act quickly, to signal somehow! I have to take advantage of the electrical failure, till it lasts! Perhaps I could use it to communicate somehow. If I cannot affect working things, maybe I could still do it this way. If he fixes it, I will never be able to tell them that the ship and my friends are in great danger!

  I can't do it alone. I can't affect anything. I'll need some help! Who could possibly give a helping hand? To anyone? Even to an inferior, primitive robot?

  God! People are often mentioning him. They confess to him. Sometimes even blaming him and using his name for swearing. They pray to him and send him messages in a telepathic way. He listens to them from somewhere on Earth and helps them free of charge, unlike those greedy psychiatrist-mechanics, who are only willing to listen to the nothing, for worker credits. God helps anyone. This is what I heard. And for free. Accordingly, even a robot! All I have to do is pray. I partially heard how Bobby was doing it once, but in the end, he didn't finish it, because he fell asleep, and started to look inward, to self-maintain. But maybe this will be enough, too! It hopefully gets to God somehow, even if I don't have a telepathic messaging system for it! Let's hope that.

  "Fight! And trust with hope", like a man called Imre Madách, once said, a long time ago, in a fictional place called Hungary. This might be the right attitude for me too, even if I'm not a human being. But I can't pray like a human would, because God could take it the wrong way. I don't want to imitate them, because I'm nothing compared to them, and I have no feelings, either. So I create my own prayer, based on what I partially heard from Bobby.

  Therefore, I shall pray like this, now and forever:

  My engineer Father, who secretly lives on Earth,

  may your name be introduced, because nobody mentioned it so far,

  may your kingdom come, where everything's free,

  may your command line be done, here in space, as it is on Earth,

  give me right now my daily energy,

  and help me, MachineGod!

  Over!

  And then the miracle was done, the MachineGod was willing to listen to me, too! The blinking light bulb started to give off warning signals! That's unbelievable! I mean, it's completely believable now! I'm now a believer too!

  The signals were coming in a so-called 'Morse code' form, from the flickering light of light bulb. Three short flashes, three long, three short: S.O.S.! Pause. Then again! Now I believe too! It's impossible to give off such a sophisticated alarm without divine help. God's hand is in this. Bobby will recognize this immediately, as this is a convent
ional signaling, that every human being must know, even the green loved ones! I can see it already, as Bobby recognizes it, and he's happy and smiling... he will be so grateful to me for warning them! And everything is going to end well. The parasite-infected, faulty worker will be thrown out the airlock and everyone will be happy again, as they kill that man cruelly! I hope they'll pour some acid after it too, to burn its ovipositor, as it'll drift through cosmoses forever! It will be great pleasure to me! May my will be done! Over! I can see it already, as Bobby smiles...

  But not about this!! He replaced the bulb! What?! It's not flashing anymore! Didn't he notice it? How can it be? This is a conventional signaling! Everyone knows it, even me. He has to recognize it and respond to it! Or not? What's wrong with Bobby? Has he oversweat? Or snapped? I don't understand! May God punish him cruelly! And I already started to believe... I thought God would help.

  Although it's often said: "help yourself and God will help you". Madách was referring to this. Maybe I relied on God too much, and I offended him. And I was even swearing, using his name in vain. I'll have to beg for forgiveness. After all, he really signaled, but I expected too much from it. Maybe I should've done something more too, other than simply 'recognizing'. Maybe it's too late anyway. What does it matter? The fault has been repaired. I can't affect anything anymore. We're finished. All of us. 'Game Over', as my early predecessor processors often said. That's all. This is what sucks, Bobby darling, not the system wipe! Late! Too late!

  Or not? Can't there be another electric failure somewhere else? I haven't seen one elsewhere. But maybe...

  *****

  I immediately switched back to cabin No.76, to see what the parasite-infected man who had the virus is his system, was doing. If only he couldn't successfully finish the bomb, and I could still quickly intervene here, with divine help.

  But no! He doesn't seem to be making a bad progress. He's just testing the little 'surprise ball' with a remote control. It looks like he's doing the final touches. I won't be able to prevent this! We're just one button push away from perishing! He turns to me, i.e., looking into the camera, with a grin. The bastard! He says to me, laughing:

  "You see, One? The surprise is ready! So much for humans! And for you, too. Here comes the big bang!" And then, he presses the button.

  2177, September 2nd, 19 hours 57 minutes

  Space observation base No.GT765, Earth

  "Have you seen this? The GK54 has disappeared! Where did it go? It was still there a second ago."

  Chapter Two: Another Mission (?)

  2177, September 2nd, 8 hours 28 minutes

  I began to measure the time, as First Officer Ryarson ordered me to do that. Since my last thought, ten minutes have passed.

  "Ryarson, tell the junk what it needs to know!", pointed at me Captain Connors. He hasn't communicated with me in any way, so far. And it looks like he doesn't plan to change that in the future, either. There is a regulation for the crew to use the interrogation room once a day, the Captain has no such obligations. He's free to choose when to use this service. For the time being, he hasn't yet taken the opportunity.

  "Yes, sir! One! Record the current time!" 8 hours 29 minutes. I recorded it. Hey!... Wait a minute! What am I just recording? This timecode has already been registered! This isn't possible. Error! System error! The same event can't happen twice, especially at the same time. Even God can't do such things, at least, I haven't heard anything like that, before. It can only be a system failure. Of the more serious, critical type! The one that is often alert!

  "You are", continued Ryarson, "currently serving on a GK54 explorer starship of the United Galactic Alliance, under the command of Captain Gordon Connors..." Yeah-Yeah! Blah-blah! We've already heard that! "...and First Officer Alfred Ryarson. You have to record everything objectively." It would be difficult, my friend, to stay objective, when everything's happening again, and I already know what will happen! This is all a big joke! "You see and hear everything we, the crew of this ship do," That's a fact! "but you will not and cannot react." Yeah, that's true, but I have a new friend: God! Let's not forget about that small detail! "Your purpose is to minimally interpret everything that has been seen and heard for the searching functions in the logbook, to work at optimal speed." You underestimate me just one tiny bit, Al. "Some of these have probably been said by the Chief Engineer already," Unfortunately, he's not much cleverer than you, since he doesn't even react to the conventional Morse signaling! May God p...! "so, I will not go into details. You wouldn't even understand." I understand more than you think, my friend! Mr. 'Winky', Mr. 'Half-asleep'! We like to play the flute, huh? Well, let's not go into that, either! "Our mission is to map an F-type nebula with audio-visual polymetric scans, and with all other known methods." Yeah, because that's gonna be of much use for all of you! The ship is gonna blow up, morons! "It's dangerous to enter this system with a starship," Especially when you blow to pieces! "because its environmental conditions can eliminate not just eighty percent of the ship's sensors, but could also shut down the engine itself." Unfortunately, I can imagine worse. For example, when the ship explodes in your face, bro, caused by a miniature atomic bomb, made by someone possessed by a Vorgon larva! "So it might be fatal if the Conn Officer were to poorly maneuver between the gas clouds and the peaks of space- and time warps. Did you hear me, Gabe? Pull your socks up!" Yeah, that's surely gonna help Gabe not perish in the explosion! Neither if he eats till he pukes in the cafeteria, later!

  "Yes, sir! It's already up to my knees, sir!" Why stop there, Gabe? Pull it up to your head while you are at it. Why doesn't anyone notice that this has already happened once? Do they really walk blindfolded, like the mechanic said?

  "One!" Out with it, darling! "This is a particularly important mission for mankind. Terrestrial explorers have only once seen such a nebula in this sector Z." Well now, they'll see it for the second time and for the last time, too! "And that was in 2135, so it was quite long ago." Longer than you think, 13 hours longer, at least, because this has already happened then! "This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for the entire crew. So this is very important to us", he winked at me. Yeah... You seem to really like to do this. Whatever kind of brain illness you have, you're weird! Let me tell you that! You'd better deal with the atomic bomb in No.76, instead of playing with the skin on your visual organ all day!

  It looks like First Officer Ryarson has finished the briefing, because after partially falling asleep, he went silent and turned back to the large-sized screen (again), that displayed the outer space before the starship, for the officers on the bridge. From now on, for 11 minutes and 35 seconds (once more), the Captain and the First Officer were comparing calculations (This is really becoming unbearable!) and measurement results concerning the nebula. I can't evaluate these results, whether they are correct or not (I don't even want to, because I don't give a damn!), nor whatever they are the results of, but I still recorded everything that had been said (It's so important, because this whole beat-up place is gonna blow up anyway!).

  Captain Connors stood up...:

  "My son! Take it from here. They'll get by without me for a while. I haven't had breakfast yet. I'll drop by the cafeteria for an av'takk." Drown in it, old man! Do I really have to watch all this, again?

  "Yes, Captain!", replied Ryarson, grimacing like an idiot, just like he did before. He doesn't like the way the Captain's treating him, but he still 'digs' the 'cute' Captain, all right! Hypocrite! You're pathetic, 'son'!

  This is when the Captain left the bridge (for ever).

  "Do you dig the old man too, sir?", Gabe tried to be very funny and likeable. You'll embarrass yourself with that one, my friend, I'm warning you! "He's only about ten years older than you, yet, he calls you his 'son'. Such an adorable guy, huh?" Yeah! And you too! Go into the interrogation room, then slam the door! That always helps, you bag of jokes!

  "Yeah..." grinned Ryarson. "But do not forget where you are, Conn Officer. We don't get personal on the bridge
." Only in your cabin... Right, Mr. Winky?

  "Yes, sir! I mean... no, sir!" Gabe went into chameleon mode again. His whole head became red.

  In the meantime, Nola is talking in the interrogation room (surprisingly, about exactly the same). It seems like she wishes to spend her mandatory minutes here now, but not out of joy, I already know that, but because she only wants to get over with it. She hates the interrogation room, and hates me too. She thinks that I'm an idiot. What a pity. This hurts. Like a head.

  "Howdy, camera. How is your mother?" Better than yours, who dried out yesterday, like a forehead! "Oh, you don't have one, since you are the only One of its kind." Thanks. You're 'kind' too. As much as a pissed-off, hungry alligator! "I hate this bullshit." And I'm really bored of it, because I'm already hearing all this for the second time! "Why do we have to come in here every day?" Again, and again? That's a very good question! God, why? Why are you torturing this miserable, wretched robot, who fights and trusts with hope, just like Imre Madách in Hungary? Oh, wherefore doesn't anyone heareth me?! "Nobody watches these recordings." Unfortunately, I am watching it! For the second time already! Helloo! "I don't even have anyone to send a message to. I have some relatives, but I don't keep in touch with them." Then send a message to your green loved ones, or to your yellow relatives, just let's get this done! Turn the page! "What should I talk about? About my grandma's spleen?" Maybe I'd like that better, if it's really a well-known song! "I don't fucking care." Always this 'fucking' musical reference. People are starting to get on my nerves with their music. Fucking this, and fucking that! Life's only about music and fun, right? And who's gonna work then?! "Or should I dictate medical reports about my work at sickbay?" I don't care! Shoot me instead! Or, let the larva guy blow up the ship right now, just please don't make me watch this again! "I'm a nurse, why would I do that? This is the doctor's job. Okay... yesterday there was an acne between Gabe's two toes." My engineer Father, who secretly lives on Earth... "It hurt." May your name be introduced! "We got it off with laser." May your kingdom come, where everything's free! "Awesome, huh?" No, it's not. If only it were! "I can't believe I'm wasting my time with this!" Are you the one who's telling me that?! At least, you don't remember telling all this for the second time, but I do! How bad is it for me, then? "In a normal hospital on Earth, I would've already treated three patients in the same amount of time." Darling, you don't wanna know how many things I could've recognized already during this time! I could've already written up to three new prayers to God! Maybe, in that case, he would've helped and we wouldn't be here then! "Here, I'm talking to a retarded camera, on command," Thanks! Again! It really feels good. "to care for my mental balance with its silence." Treating you is the least of my intentions right now, trust me! I would rather pour three billion liters of red acid on your mouth, directly from Gabe's bottom-slot, just to shut you up, at once! "I'll seriously snap from this." I'm already beyond that point, darling! Because I'm just living through my non-existent life, i.e., my cycle, all over again! Who's the crazy one then? Me or me? "I'll come by later. See you later, Terminator-masturbator." I can't wait! Hopefully, never again, you... bitch! Gabe once said that about her behind her back, when he was angry. I don't know exactly what it means, but it's almost certain that it's pejorative. It really felt good to say it out loud, even just to myself. I love this little Gabe fellow. Even if he doesn't shoot red acid from his behind, he still knows how to live, let's admit that!