Impossible Choice

by Sybil Bartel

  “Not one penny.”

  I touched his arm. “I’m sorry.”

  “Me too.” He stared at the ceiling. “He won’t be mad about the money, Sugar.”

  “Okay.” But I wasn’t thinking about that anymore. I’d done what I had to and all I could do now was go with my plan. “I’m moving on,” I whispered.

  “I figured that was what yesterday was about.”

  “I’m not Layna anymore.”

  “I know, darlin’.”

  “I still love him,” I admitted.

  Talon laced his hands under his head. At first I thought he wasn’t going to say anything but then I realized he was deciding how much to tell me. “He left that ring because he wanted you to wear it,” he finally said.

  “No, he didn’t. He abandoned it.” Same way he abandoned me.

  Talon sighed. “What do you got against marryin’ him? Isn’t that what every woman dreams of?”

  “Seriously? You’re going to lie there and defend him? What total bullshit. He wasn’t hoping I would wear it. He was unburdening himself of it, and of me.”

  “You should talk to him.”

  “He ripped his letter up, he left with nothing more than a thank-you, I’m not blind, Talon. It’s over.” It was over before our last night together.

  “Now there’s where I think you’re wrong.”

  I didn’t want to have this conversation. I was barely hanging on by a thread. I’d made my decision. I was moving on with my life, and hope for the past wasn’t a part of my plan. “I’m done talking.”

  “A woman who doesn’t want to talk about her feelin’s? Daaamn.” But he was smiling when he said it.

  “Screw you.”

  “I still think you need to hear him out.”

  Everything Talon was saying implied there was still something between me and Buck. I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t want to hold on to that. But Buck had said he was trying something new and his something new was loud and clear. I didn’t want to hash it out again or live through a repeat. I didn’t want to hear I was no longer his last letter person or be told I didn’t know what love was. I was moving on...as soon as I could get up.

  The dull ache in my side was steadily kicking up to heavy throbbing. I closed my eyes and rubbed at my stomach.

  “You hurtin’?”

  A weird sort of floating feeling started in my head and spread to my arms. A flush of heat washed over me and then suddenly, I was really cold. “What?” I couldn’t remember the question. Then I felt it. Thick and wet. Something gushed out of me and for a split second, I panicked. “Talon?”

  “Oh fuck.”

  Everything went black.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Floating.

  I didn’t like floating.

  The lights were too bright.

  Warmth spread through me.

  Floating was okay.

  “Talk to her, she’ll hear ya.”

  Silence, then shuffling.

  “Hey, darlin’, we miss you. Wake up, Sugar.”

  Warmth.

  Floating.

  I blinked.

  “There she is.”

  “Talon?” My voice sounded like sandpaper. I couldn’t focus my eyes. “So bright.”

  “I know, darlin’. Someone’s here to see you.”

  Something rough closed around my hand. I turned my head.

  “Layna.”

  I was dreaming. I had to be. He was so beautiful. But he didn’t look like my Buck. I tried to reach for his unshaven jaw.

  His hand quickly grasped mine and brought it to his face. His weary eyes closed. “Layna,” he whispered.

  “No,” I managed.

  His eyes immediately opened but he looked sad, so very sad.

  “Jennifer,” I explained.

  He merely nodded.

  “You’re here.” My voice cracked.

  “Rest. We’ll talk later.” He stroked my face.

  His hand was so warm. My eyes fluttered shut. “Tired.”

  “Shh.” He brushed my hair from my face.

  Wait. He was in his fatigues. He shouldn’t be in his fatigues, he wasn’t supposed to wear them off base. He was going back. I worked at forming the words before sleep dragged me under. “Don’t go.”

  “I’m not going anywhere. Sleep, I’ll be here when you wake up.”

  Lips touched my forehead and then nothing.

  * * *

  My eyes opened. The lights weren’t as bright. I tried to stretch my legs but a sharp pain in my side caught me off guard and made me whimper. Buck was suddenly over me.

  “What’s wrong?” He scanned my body, eyes drawn tight.

  “Hurt.” My scratchy voice fumbled so I licked my dry lips and tried again. “When I move my legs.”

  Buck frowned, then looked down my legs and ran a hand along their length. “You’re going to be sore for a while.”

  That’s when I looked beyond him. Tubes in my arm, rails on my bed, faint beeping noises—I was in the hospital. “What happened? How did you get here?”

  Inhaling, he scanned every inch of my face but he didn’t say anything.

  His silence made my heart rate pick up. “Blaze?”

  “You’re going to be fine.” He brushed the backs of his fingers across my cheek. “Talon called me when he brought you in. I was still in the States, waiting for transport. I took the first flight I could get.”

  “Oh.” He came. For me.

  “Rest. We’ll talk more in the morning.”

  “Don’t go,” I begged.

  He took my hand. “I won’t.”

  The pull of sleep beckoned. “Promise?”

  “Yes.” His warm, calloused hand brushed over my forehead and hair. “Now sleep.”

  “Okay.” My eyes closed and I started to drift but a thought was trying to surface. Something about blood.

  Then I was floating.

  * * *

  The soft caress traveled across my cheek and traced my jaw, then followed the same path again. I was warm and it felt good.

  “Good morning,” Buck whispered.

  Heavy from sleep, my lips made a halfhearted attempt to smile as I opened my eyes. Steady blue eyes were waiting for me. Buck rested his chin on his hand as his huge fingers gripped the bedrail.

  “Hi.” His face was so close and so beautiful, I reached for him. A stinging pull on my hand stopped me and I saw the IV. “What happened?”

  The ghost of the smile on his face disappeared. “How do you feel?”

  I knew he would want the truth so I tried extending the leg that was on the opposite side of my body from the pain. It was okay, so I stretched the other one slowly. The pain was there but since I was expecting it, it wasn’t as bad. “Sore, but better. Can I have some water?”

  He reached behind him, then brought a cup with a straw to my mouth. I took a long pull and heavenly ice water filled my mouth. I drank three long sips then Buck pulled the cup away.

  “Easy. See how it takes.”

  I nodded and felt a twinge in my side. Looking down, I pushed the covers gingerly aside and saw two puncture wounds in my lower abdomen. The memory of Talon’s bed and all that blood hit me square in the chest. “Blaze?”

  Rough fingers gripped my chin and tilted my face to his. “You’re going to be fine.”

  Panic seized my lungs. “I was bleeding.” There was so much blood.

  He sucked in a breath and his whole face changed. “Your fallopian tube ruptured...you had an ectopic pregnancy.”

  My whole world tilted. I was pregnant? I was pregnant? But then the three-letter verb took hold. “Had?”

  Grasping my hand, he b
rought it to his chest. “It was a tubal pregnancy, baby. They had to operate to remove the damaged fallopian tube.” His other hand cupping my chin, he stroked my face. “I’m sorry.”

  The next words ripped from my heart with such pain, it was nothing compared to the ache in my side. “I lost our baby?”

  His soldier mask slid into place and he inclined his head once.

  I rolled away from him and burst into tears.

  His chair scraped across the floor and a second later Buck was squatting on the other side of the bed. Taking my face in both of his hands, his ice-cold eyes melted into the pain I’d seen last night but didn’t understand.

  “I love you,” he whispered forcefully, tightening his grip. “You’re alive and you’re going to be okay. That’s all that matters.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I cried.

  His face melted into a tenderness I’d never seen, breaking my heart further. “It’s okay,” he said, enunciating each word.

  “Can I—” I choked back a sob “—can I still have a baby?”

  He didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”

  I sucked in a breath and closed my eyes. A baby, our baby. I’d been pregnant.

  His thumbs stroked my cheeks. “It’ll take a few weeks for you to heal, but you’re going to be okay.”

  I couldn’t look at him when I said the next words because they sounded selfish after everything I’d put him through. “I’m so sad.”

  Silence.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  “Look at me.”

  I couldn’t.

  His large hand cupped my nape and his voice dropped. “Look at me, Jennifer.”

  My eyes popped open.

  “I love you.”

  I’d ached for so long to hear those words from him, it was bittersweet. Even though he’d tossed me aside, I still loved him. “I love you, Blaze Johnson.”

  The ghost smile appeared and the door to the room burst open.

  “Ms. Dellis, good morning, you’re awake!” A tiny nurse with jet-black hair and kind almond eyes stepped to my side with practiced efficiency. “How are you feeling today?” She reached for my finger and put a clip thing on it as Buck let go of me.

  “Thirsty,” I said.

  “Good, good.” She slipped a blood pressure cuff on my arm and hooked it to a machine. “How about some clear liquids? Does that sound good?”

  “Yes.” God, yes.

  “Excellent. I’ll order some for you. Once we get you eating a little, we can get you out of here. And I’m sure Sergeant Johnson is ready to take you home.” She smiled knowingly at him.

  I looked at him but he didn’t say anything.

  “Your vitals are good. I’ll be back later to give you more pain medicine. Are you holding up okay for now?”

  “Yes, thank you.”

  “Good, good.” She glanced at Buck, then winked at me and left as quickly as she’d come in.

  Buck came back to my side and brought my hand to his lips. “I want to change that.”

  “Change what?”

  “Dellis.”

  My stomach fluttered but my mind reached out and wrapped around the memory of the black velvet box he’d left on the dresser.

  His thumb rubbed my ring finger. “Something’s missing,” he said quietly.

  I bit my lip, not sure I was ready to talk about this. “I’m not Layna.”

  He nodded then rubbed my finger again. “Where is it?”

  I was surprised Talon or Roark hadn’t said anything. Maybe the best time to tell him was when I was in a hospital bed. “Key West,” I admitted.

  He didn’t react.

  “At the bottom of the ocean,” I added.

  For one heart-stopping moment, his eyes went wide, then his free hand brushed down his face. A wry smile barely tipped the corner of his mouth and he shook his head. “Shit.”

  “Sorry?”

  “That’s a question? You throw a man’s ring in the ocean and you’re not sure if you’re sorry?” His mask was back in place but there was something close to the surface that looked suspiciously like amusement.

  This was making me tired. I rubbed my eyes. “You didn’t give it to me.” My heart constricted and my voice dropped to a whisper. “You left it behind like it was trash.”

  The mask melted. “Point taken. Go to sleep, baby.” He stroked my face.

  Staring up at him, having him this close, it was really hard to remember why I’d been so angry with him. “I was mad when you left.”

  He didn’t apologize, he just watched me cautiously.

  “You said you were trying something new, then you left the ring and tore up the letter.”

  “I was trying something new.” His tone carefully even, he gave nothing away.

  “You should’ve told me you were done. You shouldn’t have left me hanging like that.” I wasn’t even mad anymore. I was lying in a hospital feeling like I didn’t have anything else to lose.

  “I wasn’t leaving you,” he said patiently.

  “Then what were you doing?”

  Inhaling, he dropped his head, ran his hand over the scar on his scalp then looked back up at me. “I can’t make you come to me.”

  The quiet vulnerability in his voice, his eyes, it was shattering, and suddenly everything made sense. “You were giving me space?”

  Weary, he inclined his head once.

  A thousand regrets, for my actions, for everything, swirled into a guilt storm.

  “You were stepping back so I could make my own decision—about you, about us,” I whispered.

  Still except for the breath going in and out of his lungs, he watched me like he had no idea how I would react.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  Exhaling, he closed his eyes for three heartbeats, then when he opened them again, my quiet, stoic Buck was back. The tight lines around his eyes gone, the tense set of his jaw no longer rigid, he leaned down and threaded his fingers through my hair. He cupped my neck and kissed my forehead with aching sweetness. “Stop apologizing.”

  I nodded and closed my eyes to the pain of loss. A loss of something I hadn’t wanted until it was too late.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  “She sleepin’?”

  “Yeah,” Buck said quietly.

  Talon lowered his voice. “What’d the doc say?”

  “She can go home tomorrow.”

  “Not what I meant.”

  Buck sighed. “She’ll heal but it’ll be twice as hard for her to conceive.”

  “This wasn’t your fault, man.”

  “Never said it was.”

  “No, you’re just acting like you got shit to make up for.”

  “Maybe I do.”

  “Well, that was a dick move with the ring, dude.”

  “So she said.”

  “Alright, alright, I said my piece. Get her better, I hate seein’ her in here.”

  “I hate that she was in your bed,” Buck bit out in a fierce whisper.

  “Nothin’ doin’, my friend, nothin’ doin’. She was hurting and I was keepin’ an eye on her.”

  “Don’t feed me that bullshit. Every time I turn my back, you’re there. I’ve said it before but now I’m saying it for the last time. Back the fuck off.”

  There was silence for three heartbeats, and I could feel the tension in the room expand.

  “Now see, here’s where we’re gonna have a problem. Her and I? Friends. You can’t grasp that concept, I’m not gonna explain it to you. This shit you’re puttin’ between us? All in your head. So I’ll remind you one last time. I got no designs on her but her best interests. Step the fuck up.”

  “I know who she reminds you of,” Buck
bit out lethally.

  I couldn’t take it. “Stop.” Two pairs of eyes turned to me. One soft and green, the other ice-cold blue and angry.

  “Hey, Sugar.” Talon smiled. “How ya feelin’?”

  “Better until you two started fighting.”

  “We’re not fighting,” they both said at once.

  It was almost comical. I reached a hand out for Talon knowing it would upset Buck but I needed to do this. “Thank you.” Water filled my eyes. “If it wasn’t for you...”

  Talon immediately stepped forward and put a finger to my lips. “None of that, darlin’, we’re not goin’ there. It’s all good.” He leaned down and kissed my cheek.

  The familiar scent of him floated around me like a warm embrace. I knew he didn’t want me to, but I had to say the words. “Thank you for saving me.”

  Talon’s face relaxed into the man behind the persona and I saw him swallow. “You’re welcome, Sugar.”

  I glanced at Buck but he was staring down Talon.

  “Hey,” I said softly, reaching for his arm.

  Locked in a glare with Talon, he didn’t move at first, then slowly he brought his eyes to mine. He was wearing his marine face.

  “I love you for being here.” I smiled.

  He inclined his head once but he didn’t smile back.

  I tightened my grip on his arm. “Come here.”

  He didn’t budge so I pulled.

  When he leaned close enough, I wrapped a hand around his neck and brought his mouth to mine. “I love you,” I whispered against his lips.

  Melting into my kiss, his whiskers scraping against my face, he threaded his hands through my hair but he didn’t say anything.

  Talon cleared his throat. “You two need privacy?” he asked sarcastically.

  Buck sat back in a chair but his hand stayed wrapped around mine.

  Talon reached in his pocket and tossed some keys at Buck, which he caught left-handed. “Go back to the house and shower, Deer Hunter. I’ll sit with her.”

  Buck glanced at me.

  “It’s okay. I’ll be fine.” I smiled but I knew he was torn between leaving me with Talon and wanting a shower. I’d never seen him as ungroomed as he looked now. “Just go quick,” I added.

  With a nod, he rose to his feet, kissed me once and walked out.