Coming Back to Me

by Caroline Leavitt

  “Molly’s sick in the hospital. I’m helping out. Taking care of the baby.”

  Ivan shook his head. He acted as if he hadn’t heard her. “I knew if I could just see you—if we could just see each other.”

  Suzanne shut her eyes for a moment. Her throat was dry. “How could you have left me like that?” she said finally.

  He frowned. “Suzanne. I was a kid. I didn’t know anything. Not until I didn’t have you.”

  “So all this time you’ve been alone thinking about life,” she said bitterly.

  “Suzanne.” He wavered. Then he said, low and quick, “I got married. I had a kid.”

  “What?” Suzanne felt something rupturing inside of her. Married. How could he be married to someone who wasn’t her? She tried to frame a picture, but the only face beside Ivan’s that she could see was her own. The only baby was Otis. Suzanne’s breath narrowed in her chest. Her heart felt tight and small. Suddenly, she couldn’t breathe. “How could you be married? You never wanted that. If I even mentioned it, you were out the door—”

  “Was married,” Ivan interrupted. “Patty and I got divorced about six months ago.”

  Suzanne swallowed. Patty. He had married someone named Patty. Had divorced her, too, but that didn’t make her feel one single bit better because divorce still meant that you had cared enough about someone to marry them in the first place. Cared enough to have a kid. And cared more than he had about her. She felt suddenly shamed and angry. It was hard to look at him. Hard not to.

  “Suzanne,” he said, his voice pleading. “Listen to me. When I quit on you, everything turned right to shit. All my dreams. Everything. I tried to make it in music, Suzanne. For the longest time, I really tried. All these new bands I put together. All these crappy gigs. But nothing took. And then by the time I met Patty, I was doing nothing but being a mechanic. She had this old Datsun that nobody could fix right. But I did, and she looked at me like I had just about cured cancer. When I was playing music, I got that kind of feeling all the time. It was like it came with the territory or something. And even a mechanic’s got to have things to make him feel like his life’s worth something. Like it’s special. So I married her. And a year and a half later, we had Ann.”

  Suzanne flinched. Ann. She looked away from him. She wouldn’t let him see how much he had hurt her—was hurting her, still.

  “Suzanne. You’re not saying anything.”

  “What do you want me to say? That you should have married me?”

  “You’re not listening to me. You knew me as this rock star. Patty knew me only as a mechanic. I knew you’d end up hating me. Like I hated myself. And I couldn’t stand that.”

  “You’re stupid,” she said quietly. “You think I gave a shit about any of that? You could have been a goddamn busboy and I would have loved you. You could never have sung another note your whole long life and I would have loved you. Do you know what it was like for me? How I suffered? I couldn’t even look at anyone else, that was how nuts I was about you. How pathetic. I used to cross the street just hoping a truck would run me over because then I wouldn’t have to think about you anymore. You left me alone in the world and I still loved you. But you—you went ahead and loved someone else.”

  “You got it all wrong, Suzanne.” His voice rushed past her. “Patty was white noise. She kept this buzz going so I couldn’t see, I couldn’t hear, I couldn’t think what was really important to me. She blocked it all out just by being around. And I didn’t see it until after I quit her.”

  Ivan took Suzanne’s hands.

  “Fuck you,” Suzanne said, breaking his grip. She didn’t want him touching her. She couldn’t stand it another minute. “Fuck you.”

  “Suzanne, listen to me. My marriage didn’t work out because I never loved Patty. I loved you.”

  Suzanne looked at him. “Stop. Don’t you dare say things you don’t mean.”

  “Remember when I first met you, when I said it was fate—you and me?”

  “Ivan, don’t—”

  “I thought about you night and day, Suzanne. I wanted to call you a million times. I tried to forget you. I know I was a shit the way I left you. I was a cruel bastard. I took it out on you because I couldn’t face that maybe I didn’t have what it took to make it in music. I couldn’t handle it. And I couldn’t stand it that you knew it.” He sighed. “You were the thing that made my life work, Suzanne. I couldn’t even get close to Ann because it reminded me how far away from you I’d come. How I’d probably fucked up any chance to ever have you again.”

  Ivan’s words were like a reel pulling Suzanne out of herself, toward him. She felt as if she were losing her own thoughts. She couldn’t even remember what her own thoughts were anymore.

  “I thought you’d come back to California,” Ivan said. “I kept looking for you everywhere. I’d see someone with long black hair, and zoom—I was off on their trail, just hoping it was you. How could you stay away from me? Why didn’t you come back?”

  “I told you. I’m helping out here.”

  He looked at her, nodded, but she got the feeling that he wasn’t even listening to her, he was just drinking her in.

  He leaned forward and touched her knee, jolting her. As soon as he took his hand away, God help her, but she wanted it back.

  “Remember the way we used to stay up all night just talking?” he asked. “Sometimes I wouldn’t even have to say a single word and you’d know what I was feeling, you’d understand. You just knew me, Suzanne.”

  He stared at her so hard that even if she tried, she couldn’t have looked away from him. “After the divorce, I had a lot of time to think, and what I thought about was you. And I don’t know, it unlocked something in me. I hadn’t touched my guitar in years, but I thought of you and suddenly I picked it up again, and just as suddenly, the songs just started coming again. Some of them are pretty good. That’s your doing, whether you know it or not.” He tilted his head back. “Su-zanne of my heart,” he sang.

  “You sound just the same,” she said, pained.

  “No, no, I got this new raw quality now.” He fanned his fingers over his chest. “From the heart, Suzanne. The broken heart.”

  Suzanne swallowed. “You never told me why you’re here,” she interrupted.

  “I thought I was telling you. I came back for you.”

  “Ivan.”

  “You used to tell me you love someone once, you always love them. That’s how you tell real love. You told me and you were right.” He fished in his pocket and pulled out a key on a green plastic tab and handed it to her, smiling hopefully. “I got us a suite at the Ramada Inn. Room service. Champagne. A great big bed with clean sheets every day. I can sing you those songs there, Suzanne. All those songs about you. We can leave here together. Rent a little beach house in California.”

  “I can’t just leave,” she blurted. “I take care of Otis while Gary’s at the hospital. I help them out.”

  He nodded. “Oh, yeah. The baby. So when, then?”

  She folded her hand around the key and then he folded his hand around hers, so for a moment, she couldn’t think straight. “I don’t know when. Or if.”

  “When can I at least see you?”

  “Tomorrow.” She thought about Gary’s schedule. “At three.”

  He was suddenly happier. He bounced up. “Jesus, look at me. I’m shaking. I haven’t felt like this since I was fifteen. Since I first saw you. I’m like a little kid, I’m so excited. I can’t believe I get a chance to make everything right.”

  Suzanne stood up. His walk to the door was like a dance. He pulled it open and then stepped back and kissed her, hard on the mouth, so that when he pulled away, she felt a little breathless. “Three,” he repeated, and whistling, walked down to his car. She watched him leaving, and for a moment she wanted to run out after him and grab him around the legs and stop him. She pressed her hands to her mouth, as if she was holding his kiss in. She was afraid he’d leave her forever this time, but just as much s
he wanted to lock herself in, to forget that he had ever come back for her. She couldn’t let go of the bad times. It was too dangerous. Something so terrible could happen all over again.

  All that day, she felt on fire. She felt his hands on her. His eyes. His breath at the back of her neck. She heard his whisper against her ears.

  She couldn’t stay in the house another second. She looked at her watch. Gary would be home soon. Then it would be time to go see Molly.

  Suzanne kept busy so she wouldn’t think. She was hoping Otis might wake, but even when she crept into his room, he was sleeping so soundly for a moment she got worried. She placed one hand on his chest, feeling it rise and fall. His eyes were rolling in dreams. He made a low, soft moan. There was a bubble of saliva on his mouth and she daubed gently at it with a finger until it was gone. Then she left his room and started to clean. She got on her hands and knees and scrubbed the kitchen floor. She cleaned both bathrooms and did a wash. She wouldn’t allow herself to stop for a minute, because then she would think. Then Ivan would flood her like a tidal wave, drowning her in minutes, not giving her a second to catch her breath. She was just about to scrub the burners on the stove when Gary walked in.

  Usually, just the sight of him would charge her. Her breath would clip. Her heart would feel stapled. But after seeing Ivan, Gary suddenly looked faded. Like he belonged to a whole other world that she no longer inhabited.

  Gary squinted at her. “Everything okay?” he said. “You look kind of frazzled.”

  “No, no, I’m fine. Otis is really napping.” Her hands were so sweaty, she wiped them on her jeans. The back of her neck prickled and she lifted up her hair to cool it.

  “You want to order a pizza?”

  She studied him, surprised. She wasn’t sure why he was being so friendly. Just a while ago, she would have killed for an offer like that from him. But now all she could think about was Ivan. And in any case, Suzanne could no more eat than she could breathe underwater. “I just want to get going to see Molly.”

  Gary looked at her curiously. She felt nervous, as if he could tell something might be going on. Something she didn’t want to tell him about yet. She didn’t want to hear his opinion until she was sure of her own. And she certainly didn’t want to hear Molly’s. For a second, she almost felt like she was sneaking around, the same way she had been when she was a kid. All that dangerous living, when you felt like you were standing on the edge of a volcano, and all you had to do was shift your weight and you might topple right in. Well, this was different. She was being careful this time, really careful. She was going to wait, to be sure what she wanted to do before getting Gary and Molly all upset. They’d probably think she was going to leave them in the lurch.

  “You sure you’re all right?” Gary said.

  “What could be wrong?” she said, more sharply than she had intended.

  Suzanne pointed the car in the direction of the hospital, but it was as if the car had a mind of its own. She started to turn left, and then she missed the light and turned right instead, thinking she’d back around. She started to go east and ended up west. Every light, every turn, led her to Ivan.

  The Ramada Inn was off the highway, tucked beside a bowling alley and a diner. She parked the car, her heart hammering, staring at it. I should visit Molly, she told herself, even as she got out of the car, as she walked to the Ramada and pushed through the revolving glass doors, even as she headed straight for the elevators and rode to his floor.

  The elevator doors whooshed open. She stepped out, walked to his door, and stood in front of it, waiting, unable to move. She couldn’t hear anything from outside. No TV. No music. She sucked in a breath and then she knocked on the door.

  “Hang on!” she heard, and then Ivan, in jeans and a black T-shirt and bare feet, his black hair wet from the shower, making pinpoints on his shirt, opened the door. As soon as he saw it was her, he grabbed her, tugging her in, tumbling her to the floor. He kicked the door shut with his boot, kissing her so hard she almost stopped breathing.

  She couldn’t keep her hands off him. She grabbed his shirt and tore it open, popping the buttons. She slid her hands deep into his pants. She wanted to put her whole self inside of him and never come out, never be free. He moaned and bit her shoulder and she shut her eyes, and then he slowly began taking her clothes off, unwrapping her like a treasure.

  Suzanne began spending every spare moment she could with Ivan. He was a fever in her blood. As soon as Gary got home, she was out the door. All she could see, all she could think about, was Ivan. She breezed in to see Molly and then as soon as she was in her sister’s room, she felt Ivan’s hands on her, she smelled the woodsy soap he liked to use, and it drove her crazy. She had just gotten here, but she was dying to leave again. She shifted in her seat. She stood up and sat down again. “So, how you doing today?” she blurted and Molly looked at her curiously.

  “Something’s different about you,” Molly said.

  “What? What’s different?”

  Molly shrugged. “You just seem different, is all.”

  Suzanne shifted in her seat, got up and sat down.

  “You don’t have to stay,” Molly said.

  “No, no, I want to see you.” Suzanne couldn’t meet Molly’s eyes.

  “It’s okay. I’m feeling a little tired anyway.”

  “You sure?”

  Molly yawned. “Go. You’re keeping me awake.”

  “Nap,” Suzanne urged. “I’ll sit right here and watch you. Go ahead.”

  She waited for Molly to sleep. She watched her sister’s eyes fluttering, then shutting. Her chest rising and falling with breath, slowing down. Come on, come on, Suzanne thought. Sleep, sleep. She thought it like a hypnotist. Sleep. And then, Molly stilled. “Molly?” Suzanne said softly. No response. “Molly?” Suzanne said again, gently tapping her shoulder. Molly didn’t move. Suzanne bolted up. Let Molly think she had been here for three hours instead of ten minutes. Let her tell Gary tomorrow what a shame it was that she had slept through Suzanne’s visit. Suzanne grabbed her purse and her jacket and was gone before anyone could stop her.

  She knew she was leaving with Ivan before she even dared to say it out loud. Before she even told him. It felt as if an old skin had been peeled from her, as if she could suddenly breathe. What a fool she had been to think she could stop loving him. She felt dizzy with excitement, with things she had to take care of. Otis, for one. “Know any good sitters? Any good, cheap live-in help?” she kept asking her clients. “My friend is looking,” she lied.

  Nobody knew anything. “I’ve got expensive, bad live-in help,” one client joked.

  “I’ve got an apartment I need to sublet,” another said.

  Suzanne looked through the ads in the newspaper. She was going to be responsible about this. She was going to do it right. As soon as she had someone good lined up for Otis, she’d tell Gary she was leaving. She’d go and explain it to Molly herself.

  The next day, Suzanne was folding Otis’s laundry when Ivan showed up. She flung down the laundry and wrapped herself about him, kissing his neck, his shoulder, the side of his face. “Hey! Ow!” he said. “You’re attacking my face!”

  “Let’s go for a drive,” she said.

  “Let’s go to the motel.” He kissed her neck.

  “No, no-I can’t go to the motel now. I’ve got Otis, remember? I told you that.”

  He sighed theatrically. “Yeah. You told me.”

  She pulled back. “I’ll just get him ready. We’ll take my car because it has the baby seat. We can drive to New York. Maybe go to Central Park. How about that?”

  He nodded. She went to get Otis, bundling him into his blue coat, packing his bag, and then she brought him out, presenting him. “Daduh,” she said.

  Ivan and Otis blinked at each other. There was something strange in Ivan’s smile. “Well, what have we here,” he said. He didn’t ask to hold Otis. He didn’t reach out one hand to touch him. And he quickly looked away. Well, Suza
nne thought, maybe it reminded Ivan of his own daughter. Maybe it was painful to see another child when you weren’t there with your own.

  It took Suzanne a while to put Otis in the car seat. Ivan tapped his finger on the glove compartment, singing a little. “Oh, I was drowning in ree-gret His voice looped up.”And you showed up, my safe shore—” He stopped, considering. “You like that line, my safe shore, Suzanne, or do you think I should say something about the rocky shore instead? Maybe rocky is more traumatic-sounding. What do you think?” He paused. “You showed up, my rock-ee shore,” he sang. “Which do you like better?”

  Suzanne struggled to tighten the buckle. It was stuck and she tugged harder.

  “Suzanne?”

  “Oh, um, the safe, I guess—” Suzanne said, concentrating on Otis.

  “The safe shore? Really? Personally, I think rocky is better.”

  She nudged at the car seat. “Yeah. Rocky.” She was preoccupied with the buckle. She hated that the car seat had to face back. All that drive and she wouldn’t even be able to see Otis’s pretty face in the rearview mirror. She’d have to rely on any sounds he might make to know how he was doing. It killed her, but at least it was safe.

  She took her time driving. She stopped at every intersection, even the ones without stop signs, without a car in sight, because you never knew.

  “Anytime you’re ready,” Ivan kept saying mildly, but she ignored him. She wasn’t going to drive crazy. Not with all the kids who were around. She waved other cars in front of her. She let everyone pass her, and every once in a while, even though there was nothing to see, she still looked in the rearview mirror at the back of the car seat. “How you doin’, sugar?” she said.