“You. Are. Not. Going. Back.”
“Beau!” Payton warned again.
“No, Payton. Not this time. I’m sorry, but Holly, you need to hear this. You almost fucking died. You tried to kill yourself.” I felt myself recoil at his words. They weren’t a lie, but still. Hearing it put like that was anything but easy. “I am not letting you go back and pull that shit again. Damn it! We nearly lost you and we don’t even know why. Why Holly? Why couldn’t you just talk to us? Ask us to help? What was so bad that you swallowed a handful of pills and tried to take the easy way out?’
Before I knew what I was doing, I was up out of my seat and the pillow I’d been nursing was flying through the air towards my brother’s angry face. I watched as it bounced off his chest and fell to the floor. Ignoring his anger was easy. Ignoring my own, not so much. Clenching my fists, I took some deep breaths as I moved towards the window. Outside the storm was still raging. Inside it was quickly catching up.
“Easy! Easy? You think what I did was easy? You think what I went through was easy? Well, you’re fucking delusional, Beau. My life was hell. You all just shipped me off and forgot about me. I was home for weeks over Christmas and not one of you noticed the scars on my legs or the chunks missing from my hair. You didn’t notice that every time my phone beeped I went pale and felt sick. You didn’t even ask why over the seven weeks I was home, I changed my phone number three times!”
“You told me your phone broke and you got another one!”
The yelling match had began. I looked at Payton, feeling bad for putting her in the middle of this family squabble, but I couldn’t stop. If they wanted to press me, if they thought they wanted the details, then they were going to get them. Every single painful, miserable, and hurtful detail. The ones I couldn’t outrun. The ones that haunted my dreams and became my nightmares. The ones I’d survived once, even if it was only barely.
“And you believed it?”
“Why wouldn’t I believe it? That’s what you told me, Holly!”
I felt like shit. Actually, I felt worse than that. Beau wasn’t to blame for everything. He wasn’t to blame for anything really. I hid it all from him. I hid it from everyone. They all had their own lives going on. Gage was just home and starting a new job, not to mention trying to figure out his relationship with Carly. Beau had shown up married, nearly knocking all of us on our ass. Mum was gone. Dad was drunk. Connor was angry with the world, or maybe he was just angry with me. Then there was Ryan. Ryan was hiding something, but I had my head so far up my own ass I hadn’t even asked if he was okay.
“I didn’t want you to know.” It was the first honest answer I’d given and it felt incredible. Like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest, and for the first time in months I could breathe.
Staring back out the window, I watched as the rain pelted the glass, rattling the pane. One random rain drop caught my attention and I tracked it as it slid, undisturbed, down the glass. Unbeknownst to me, a single tear had escaped and trickled over my cheek much the same as the raindrops.
“Holly.” Beau’s warm breath touched the back of my neck and I shivered as every hair on my body stood on end. Turning around, I looked up into his huge eyes and noticed the tears there. This right here was exactly what I didn’t want. He shouldn’t be suffering because of me. Without thinking, I launched myself against him and wrapped my arms around his waist. For a moment he was stiff, then he was hugging me back tighter than ever. It was exactly what I needed. How Beau knew I needed it, I’d never know, but there he was. Letting me cry on his shoulder and holding me tight while I sobbed in his arms.
When I eventually pulled away, I was completely wiped out. I don’t think I had any more tears left to cry and my whole body was ready to collapse. My head was pounding and the room spinning. I stepped back and I must have wobbled on my feet, because next thing I knew, Beau had me scooped up in his arms and carried me towards the couch.
He laid me down more gently than he’d ever been before. It was almost like I was the most fragile thing in his world, and he was worried I might break. That was the last thing he should be worried about, really. I was already so broken I was beyond repair. When he draped a blanket over me, he squatted down beside my head and I heard his knees creak in protest.
“Get some sleep, Holly.” He kissed the top of my nose.
“Thanks, Beau. I love you.”
He coughed. Almost like he choked hearing my words. Payton appeared beside him again. I hadn’t even noticed her step out of the room. How fucking rude was I? It was her house and I was so caught up in myself I didn’t even notice her stepping out. I really needed to get my shit together.
“Take these.” She handed me two white pills and a glass of water.
“What are they?” Beau asked nervously.
“Just some aspirin. With that black eye and swollen nose, she’s got to be in some pain. These will help you get some rest.” Beau looked at me and nodded. Obviously he was satisfied with Payton’s decision.
Swallowing them down, I settled back against the cushions. I didn’t realise how tired I was until my head touched the pillows. I was exhausted. Completely drained. Both physically and emotionally. Beau kissed the tip of my nose before rocking back on his heels. He pulled the blankets up to my chin and tucked them down around me. I can’t remember the last time I felt so safe. So loved. “Love you too, Holly. Tomorrow we’ll figure out the rest.”
“Tomorrow,” I mumbled as I let my heavy eyes fall closed. Everything would look better in the morning, I promised myself as I drifted off.
I woke up starving. Maybe it was because I couldn’t remember the last time I’d actually eaten a proper meal. Or perhaps it was the smell of deliciousness surrounding me. Sitting up, I ran my hand through my hair, trying to tame the birds’ nest, but I think I was making it worse.
“Morning, sunshine.” Beau grinned at me from the chair opposite. His hands were cradling a mug as if it was the elixir of life and he couldn’t afford to spill a drop. Yet it was the plate in his lap that caught my attention. Mini muffins, scones, some kind of pastries, and a scroll. Undoubtedly one of Payton’s famous cinnamon scrolls. They were worth getting out of bed for.
“Is one of them for me?” I asked hopefully, fluttering my eyelashes at him.
“You’ve been spending too much time with Payton,” he replied, pretending to be annoyed. I knew Beau better than that though. When he was annoyed you could tell. This, well, I wasn’t quite sure what this was, but it definitely wasn’t him pissed.
“Who’s been spending too much time with me?”
“Holly.”
“Oh, please. I’m awesome and you know it.”
I don’t know what drugs Payton was on this morning, but for someone who tumbled out of bed before the sun even peeked over the horizon, she was awfully bouncy today.
“Yeah, I do,” Beau quickly conceded as Payton swung past where he was sitting, kissed him quickly, thank god—the last thing I needed to see before breakfast was my brother and his wife going at it—and disappeared back out the door.
“She makes you happy.” Shit! I’d done it again. Damn, I needed to get my filter back under control. Words were slipping from my mouth without thought these days. It was not a good thing.
“You have no idea.” Beau winked at me and suddenly I felt all sorts of wrong.
Wriggling out from under the blankets, I was surprised at how cool it was without them. I mean, it made sense that they didn’t have the heating going. Payton was at work and Beau should have been. So why wasn’t he?
“You working today?” I enquired as casually as I could, sneaking a glance at the clock. It was a little after seven, and I had to get my ass moving if I was going make it to school on time.
“Yep.”
Well, can’t say Beau gave away all his secrets. Slipping into the bathroom, I grabbed the toothpaste and smoothed some on my finger before attempting to brush my teeth. I didn’t do a great job, but it was bette
r than morning breath. Rinsing my mouth, I splashed cold water on my face before looking in the mirror. I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty. Without looking, I could see the black eye I was sporting.
“I can’t go to school like this!” I exclaimed as I poked at the swollen bit just under my eye. It was puffy and soft, but hurt like a bitch.
“Come on, Holly!” Beau called out. “We gotta get going. You can eat in the car.”
“Where we going?” I asked, wandering out of the bathroom.
“Home.”
“Can I go like this?” I asked, waving my arms around. Beau might have forgotten, but I certainly hadn’t. I was wearing Payton’s borrowed pyjamas. They were warm and cosy and all sorts of comfortable, but they weren’t exactly appropriate attire to be seen in.
With a smirk, Beau chuckled. “You’ll be fine. Get your skinny butt moving or I’m eating this scroll.”
“You wouldn’t dare!”
“Wanna bet?”
Beau and I were silent the whole drive there. I was so caught up in my own head the boogie monster could have jumped out in front of the car and I probably wouldn’t have noticed. I was embarrassed that I’d told Beau what I had. A few days after I got back—it took that long for me to be able to string two thoughts together—I decided that what happened, what I’d been through, wasn’t anyone’s burden to bear but mine. Ryan knew enough. No one else had to be weighed down by all that pain. I knew these boys. I’d always known them. And whether or not they chose to agree with it, I knew they would take it personally, like they’d failed.
“You coming?” Beau asked.
Shit! We were sitting in the driveway and he was already out of the car and at my door. Quickly I unbuckled my belt and jumped out. With one hand holding up my pants, I darted across the still wet grass, careful to avoid the puddles.
Once I was inside, I went straight to my room and gathered my clothes before heading for the bathroom. I had no idea where Dad or Ryan were, but since I wasn’t arguing with either of them for my turn, I was happy. Ten minutes later and I looked as good as it was going to get. It would take a couple of days for the bruising to go down and everything to go back to normal, but there wasn’t much I could do in the meantime. No amount of concealer would hide the truth.
Still feeling the effects of being so cold, I grabbed my knee-length black jacket from the cupboard and headed back downstairs. If I was lucky, I could convince Beau to give me a ride to school. No doubt I’d already missed the bus.
Stepping into the kitchen, my eyes went wide. Sitting around the table was my whole family. Payton’s pastries covered the entire table, and coffee was being drunk like it was water and we were in the middle of the Sahara.
“What’s going on?” I asked, my voice shaking.
“Where you going, Holly?” Connor asked. At least that’s what I think he asked. With a mouthful of food, one could never really be sure what he was on about.
“Um…school?”
“Not today.” My eyes went wide as I turned to look at Dad. He looked old. More like ancient really. A wave of sadness passed through me and I found myself shrugging off my jacket and walking towards him. Without a word, Dad knew, and he reached out and wrapped an arm around my waist, holding me to him. With him seated and me standing, I was much taller than he was and I started stoking his hair. There was a lot less than last time I’d done this, I realised quickly.
“What’s going on?” I asked, suddenly nervous. Everyone was looking at me. Everyone except Ryan. He kept his head down, staring into his mug. Maybe he was looking for the answers to life in his tea leaves.
“Did you want something to drink, Holly?” Connor offered as he rose from his chair. It looked like he had no intention of working today either. Usually by now he was covered head to toe in mud and manure. Today though he wore a clean pair of jeans, runners, and a t-shirt so thin I could almost see straight through it.
“Hot chocolate.”
“Easy.”
Dad let me go and pulled out the spare seat beside him. When he patted the wooden seat, I fell into it with a thud. Something was going on here and I wasn’t sure I liked it. I definitely wasn’t ready for it. Beau pushed a plate towards me with a scroll on it and I looked up at him and smiled. I knew he loved me too much to eat my favourite food and let me miss out.
Connor reappeared with my mug and set it down before falling back into his seat. “We about ready to get this show on the road?”
“Not quite yet,” Gage added. He was being unusually quiet, even for him.
“Wh-what’s going on?” As much as I wanted to devour my breakfast—because really, who could resist one of Payton’s scrolls—my stomach felt uneasy, like it was full of butterflies. Anxiety began to take hold of my body. I felt it. I knew it was coming, yet I couldn’t stop it.
“Breathe, Holly,” Ryan whispered beside me as his hand landed on my thigh. “No one is going to let you get hurt. Promise.”
My pulse was hammering.
I could hear the blood rushing in my ears.
My palms were clammy.
The world around me was spinning.
Or maybe I was spinning.
“Holly! Holly! Look at me!” Connor was crouched down beside me, his huge paw-like palms cupping my face. It took a second to get my vision to settle on him, but when it did, I saw the panic and terror in his eyes. Immediately guilt swallowed me. I’d put them there. This was my fault.
Sucking in a deep breath, I closed my eyes and counted to ten. I needed to calm myself down. Calm my whole body down. When my eyes flickered open, I shouldn’t have been surprised to see everyone staring at me, concerned. I must look like a freak.
“I’m okay,” I reassured myself in a whisper. It was a lie. A big, fat lie. One I was making to myself.
“Who are we waiting on?” Beau asked, seemingly impatient.
“Carly?” Ryan asked, looking at Gage.
“Nah. She’s still in Hamilton Island.”
“Lucky bitch!” Connor muttered.
“Careful!” Gage warned, his face turning red.
“Sorry. Lucky girl.”
“That’s better.”
“You going to put a ring on her finger any time soon?” Beau teased. Or at least I think he was teasing.
Gage looked blindsided. I don’t think he’d even considered a ring, and to me it made sense. They’d only been dating a couple of months. “Not everyone gets married after two dates, Beau.”
“They do if it’s the right girl,” he threw back casually with a wink. He was completely unembarrassed at his rushed, secret wedding. I was happy for him. Sure, I wished I could have been there, but Beau was happy and that’s all I wanted for him. Happiness was all I wanted for everyone, really. Even myself. Right now it was just proving a little more elusive than I’d like.
“Come on, Gage! Surely even you can see it. Carly’s hot!” Gage looked like steam was going to come out of his ears any second and his head would pop off. “You know she is. And she goes to wedding after wedding after wedding…”
“She’s a wedding photographer!”
“And I’m sure she looks just as hot bending over taking those photos. Weddings are full of single guys looking for the perfect one night score…”
“Carly’s not single.”
“They don’t know that.”
“She does.”
“If she had a ring on her finger…”
Watching the boys taunt each other was hilarious. Personally, I knew Carly wouldn’t even consider doing anything with any of them. She was so in love with Gage it was gag-worthy. Even the things he said to her made me want to hurl. It was like he’d read one too many cheesy romance novels and thought he needed to be that guy. But they were happy in their bubble. Who was I to burst it?
“Anyway…” I deflected. Although I had this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was going to be the topic of what I could only imagine was a very uncomfortable conversation, I kinda wanted
it over and done with. The anticipation was eating away at me.
Nibbling at the corner of my scroll, I found myself wishing it was warm. They were so much better when they were straight out of the oven and the white icing, whatever magic Payton put in that, was still gooey and sticky.
“Good! She’s here!” Gage announced, bouncing out of his seat.
If it wasn’t Carly, I had no idea who else it could be. No one put a smile on Gage’s face these days unless it was the sassy little photographer on the back of her kick ass motorbike.
Barely thirty seconds later, silence filled the room. Well, it did. Until the smash of a mug hit the floor.
Gage stepped out of the way and let her enter the room. “I’m not late, am I?”
“Mum?”
Chapter Ten
Jack
The sooner I got out of this god damn truck, the better! I was tired. I wanted a shower and something to eat that resembled actual food. It hadn’t been all bad getting away with Dad, but I was more than ready to be home. More surprisingly though was the fact I was also kinda anxious to get back to school. Fucked if I knew where that came from, but I needed to get back. I only had a couple of months to go then I’d be done forever. I already knew I wasn’t going to Uni, so the end was getting closer. The more I thought about it the tighter my chest felt. It wasn’t right. Finishing high school, getting away from all the childish bullshit would be great, but I knew life was about to get harder. Zach and Brian and the gang, while we were all cool now, soon enough we’d would be going weeks and months and in some cases even years without seeing each other. My brothers from another mother would be estranged. It wasn’t something I liked the idea of, not one little bit.
Meet The McIntyres - The Complete Series Page 58