Chasing Home

by Emma Woods

  “At first, he didn’t like it. But he’s really focused on his career right now, so it ended up being a good thing. I wouldn’t have seen him much anyway. He travels for work all the time.”

  Jill and Marco were engaged, even though they were several states apart. Would it be worth doing something like that with Nate if it came time for me to leave? Immediately, I pushed that thought away. I would not be the girl who analyzed her relationship to death. No. We were having fun now. Whatever happened would happen, and we would deal with it when it came.

  “Do you have a wedding date picked out?” I asked, trying to keep the conversation light.

  But Jill frowned and rolled her eyes. “Not yet. It’s been two years and we haven’t set a date. I keep trying to tell myself it doesn’t matter. We’ll get there when we get there, right?”

  “Sure,” I nodded supportively. However, I didn’t leave the conversation feeling optimistic for them. It seemed as though Jill and Marco had some work to do on their relationship.

  I went for a long run, letting music and my pounding heart keep me from dwelling on Nate. I took a shower and did a load of laundry. By the time I left for work, my damp hair in a long braid down my back, I was ready for the day, ready to see Nate, and ready to let whatever was coming take its course.

  “Hi,” Sophie said around her snapping gum. “It’s been totally quiet. Like, Walking Dead quiet. I’m going to take my break.”

  I watched her leave and suppressed a grin. I liked Sophie. Especially because her dramatic flair tended to make life interesting.

  I busied myself with refilling cups and napkins, sweeping the café, and starting a fresh pot of decaf. Once everything was tidy, I allowed myself to peek at my phone. Nate had texted to ask if I was at work yet. I bit my lip, smiling like a fool, and replied that I was here.

  Not ten minutes later, he pushed open the door and my heart leapt. Since no one else was there, I scooted around the corner and gave him a lingering hug.

  “You always smell like coffee beans,” he said with a grin.

  Laughing, I said, “Well, I suppose I’ll take that as a compliment.”

  “You should. All women should give up wearing perfume and just roll around in coffee beans.”

  I gave him a light punch on the arm before making my way back to the register and taking his order. As I busied myself with grinding beans and making foamy milk, Nate told me about his day.

  “Dad wants me to take the lead on a new project. He says he likes my work lately and thinks I should start taking on more responsibility around the company.”

  “That’s great! What’s the project?”

  Nate explained about a building that was scheduled to go up and how his father’s firm would be involved. As I handed over his steaming cup, he said, “Anyway, we should go out to celebrate.”

  Fireworks went off in my stomach, and I beamed at him. “Okay!”

  12

  Over the next week, I couldn’t stop smiling. Nate dropped by the Beanery every day. We saw each other at the ranch, and I loved watching his gentle care of the kids. He took me on a date, and this time we did go to Melbourne. We ate at a funky diner and then sat together, holding hands and watching a movie.

  But no matter how happy I was when we were together, there was a voice whispering in my ear whenever I was alone, saying it wouldn’t last. Sometimes, when I thought about a future that meant staying here in Birch Springs with Nate, I felt panicky. I was not made to stay in one place. As much as I liked Birch Springs and loved the Bumblebee girls, I hated the idea of being chained here with no escape option. I needed to always have option A (staying in one place) and option B (leaving whenever I wanted) and secret option C (being able to pack my car and be gone in under an hour).

  The only way I could find to cope was to thoroughly push away all thoughts of the future. I refused to have conversations with Nate about anything beyond the next week. It seemed to bother him, but things were still too new between us for him to actually broach the topic.

  He came dancing into the Beanery one Wednesday morning and leaned across the counter to give me a hug. “Can you take a quick break? I want to talk to you about something.”

  I glanced over at Sophie, who popped her gum and gave me the thumbs-up. Nate wasted no time in grabbing my hand the moment I rounded the counter and dragging me to the sidewalk outside.

  “What’s up?” I tried to reassure my pounding heart that nothing was wrong, but it seemed determined to race no matter what I told it.

  Nate broke out in a grin. “They’re selling tickets for the annual gala event, and I wanted to know if I should buy tickets for us.”

  I took a deep breath. Oh, so that was it. No big deal. “When is the gala?”

  “September,” he said, and then made a please-don’t-get-mad grimace.

  I blinked rapidly, my fingers growing numb and my stomach instantly beginning to churn. September? It didn’t seem to matter that I’d planned to stay in Birch Springs for a full year, which meant until the following June. It didn’t matter that I would probably really enjoy going to the gala with Nate. All I could think about was committing to something so far in advance. It put pressure on us to remain a couple, and I just didn’t know what was going to happen.

  Fingers fiddling with my belt, I bit my lip and shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  Nate put a hand on my elbow and leaned over. He was all gentle concern as he asked, “Why don’t you want to go?”

  How could I tell him the truth? How could I say that I wasn’t sure we’d still be dating in September? It was so fatalistic, yet it was all I could think about. I shrugged lamely.

  “Is it the formal dress part? I know you aren’t all about dressing up, but we could go shopping together, and I could help you find something that would be great. My dad’s been dragging me there for years, so I know exactly what you should wear.”

  “That’s nice of you,” I said with a weak smile.

  His face took on a look of confident condescension that jerked my panic into annoyance. “I know you don’t like to plan ahead. I get it, Em, I really do. But I have to buy these tickets now. Sometimes, you do have to plan ahead.”

  I pulled my elbow from his hand and scowled at him. “Stop talking to me like I’m five, Nate. I don’t appreciate it.”

  He threw up his hands. “I’m trying to be understanding and give you space, but I don’t have any more time to wait on buying tickets.”

  “I don’t care if you buy tickets or not. Buy them, and when September comes, we’ll see whether or not I’m still the girl you want to take to the gala.” My eyes felt hot, and I knew I was about to burst into over-dramatic tears.

  Real understanding washed over Nate, and the obnoxious version of himself disappeared. He stepped closer and shoved his hands into his pockets, since I was still bristling.

  As gently as he could, he assured me, “I’m going to want to take you to the gala in September, Emily. That isn’t going to change.”

  His kindness was the key that my emotions apparently needed, and tears began to trickle down my cheeks. I wiped at them, embarrassed.

  Nate pulled me into a careful hug and held me as he rubbed my back. I laid my head on his shoulder and let the fear and worry slip away along with my tears. When I finally pulled away, the worst of them were gone, though their roots were still tangled deep inside me.

  “Is that what this is about?” Nate asked quietly. “Are you afraid that we aren’t going to be together for long?”

  “It’s stupid,” I replied. I kicked at the sidewalk, refusing to meet his eyes.

  “It’s not stupid. Fear of commitment is super-common.”

  “Thanks, Oprah,” I retorted.

  Nate’s hands went to his hips, and I knew I’d struck a nerve. I didn’t want him mad at me, but I didn’t want him lecturing me either.

  “What do you want me to say? You seem determined to push me away no matter what.”

  I glanced at him then a
nd saw the irritation on his face. It felt terrible to know that this guy, who I really, really liked, was frustrated with me. I had no idea what the future held, and I didn’t want to make Nate promises I couldn’t keep, but I didn’t want to stop dating him. That would be awful.

  Sighing, I apologized. “I’m sorry. This is a hard topic for me. I think I need time and space to figure out what my next steps are supposed to be.”

  Nate rubbed the back of his neck. “Okay. Does that mean you want me to leave you alone?”

  “No,” I almost shouted.

  His sea-green eyes met mine and they were so full that I bit my lip. It was such a relief to see that he didn’t want that either. Nate was trying to do the right thing where I was concerned. That calmed my panic enough for me to move forward.

  “I want to keep dating you. I like seeing you every day. I just don’t know what is going to happen a month from now. When you talk about plans for the future, all I hear is that I have to promise to stay here. I’m not ready to make that promise.”

  My words found fertile ground. He nodded gravely. “I guess I’ll buy tickets to the gala and hope you’re still around.”

  “Okay,” I whispered.

  He turned and walked away without another word. I felt awful.

  When I arrived home after work, I changed into my oldest PJs and went in search of something comforting to drink. I was just adding the teabag to my cup of boiling water when Rosa walked in.

  “Uh-oh. Herbal tea in the middle of the afternoon? Are you sick, or having man trouble?” Her brown eyes sparkled playfully.

  I offered a sorry attempt at a smile and continued dunking the bag up and down.

  “Could you use some company?” Rosa offered.

  “Sure.”

  Soon the older woman had her cup ready and led the way out to the veranda, as she called it, where we sat under a pergola with climbing roses. Bees were busily working around us, adding their hum to the quiet background music of summer. It was lovely and I tried to appreciate it, but I was largely unsuccessful. My brain was full of Nate and the pain I’d caused him.

  “How are things going with Nate?” inquired Rosa, somehow knowing exactly what was on my mind.

  I pulled my legs up onto the chair and rested my forehead on my knees for a moment, cup forgotten on the table next to me. Rosa didn’t seem to mind that I took a full minute before answering. I couldn’t seem to find words. My emotions and fears swirled around, choking out any clear thoughts I might have had.

  “I think there’s something wrong with me,” I finally spluttered.

  She raised an arched eyebrow and sipped at her tea with her firecracker-red lips.

  I gulped air and dove in. “I like Nate. A lot. More than anyone I’ve ever liked before. But when I think of settling down here, I panic. All I can think about is, ‘Get away, Emily!’ He asked me to go with him to some gala at his work in September. September! That’s only two months away, but I flipped out.”

  “What are you afraid of?” Rosa asked calmly.

  “What if we’re not together in September? He’ll have bought those tickets for nothing.” I looked at Rosa as the words hovered around us. She gave me a little smile, and I thought about what I’d said. So what if we weren’t dating? Nate could find a date. Unused tickets weren’t a big deal. I allowed myself a little chuckle at the silliness of that fear.

  Rosa adjusted her blue cotton skirt. “What are you afraid of?” she repeated.

  I bit my lip and considered. “I’m not sure,” I whispered.

  “That’s fair.”

  I rolled my eyes. “It’s lame. Why don’t I know what I’m scared of?”

  “I think it’s easier to run away than to face our fears, don’t you? When you’ve experienced the loss of someone you love, it’s that much more difficult to go back and try again. Believe me, I know.” Rosa sighed.

  “How did you know I’ve lost someone?” I asked, finally sipping my tea.

  The perfectly coiffed brunette shrugged. “An educated guess, I suppose. Did I guess right?”

  “You did. I lost my mom and brother when I was eight. It was just me and my dad after that, and things were never the same. Dad was lost in his grief and didn’t know what to do with his daughter. We never seemed to know what to say to each other anymore.” I was surprised to find myself opening up to Rosa. There was something about her calm demeanor that made it easy to give voice to things I usually kept quiet.

  “I think that makes a lot of sense, then,” she said thoughtfully. “You’ve been hurt and gotten out of the habit of being close to people.”

  I rolled that idea around in my brain. It did make sense. “How do I figure out how to be normal?”

  Rosa laughed. “You’re asking the wrong person! I gave up on normalcy a long time ago. But, as to how to let people in, I think you’re just going to have to practice. Open up to a few folks that you know are likely to be trustworthy.”

  Just listening to her talk about it made my palms sweaty and my stomach turn over.

  Either my panic was written plainly across my face, or else Rosa was a psychic. She patted my hand, and I swung wide eyes to her.

  “Relationships are messy, Emily. That’s okay. We’re all sinful, selfish people trying to interact. It takes grace and forgiveness to exist in good relationships of any kind. We’ll always step on each other’s toes and have our feelings hurt. That’s not a reason to avoid all relationships. The price we pay for little hurts is pennies compared to the millions that you receive in return. Take the risk. I promise, you’ll regret it if you don’t.”

  In Rosa’s voice, I heard a lifetime of experience in investing in relationships and fully knowing regret for opportunities she didn’t take. I wasn’t sure how old she was. Late 30s? Early 40s? Not so far from my twenty-six years, but I had a feeling that Rosa had loved deeply and was richer for it, though there was a twang of regret in her voice that sparked my curiosity.

  She gave my hand a final pat and, with a brief excuse of some undone chore, she left me alone with my thoughts. I watched her swish away in her cool, vintage outfit. Rosa was running this house and keeping an eye on all of us younger women. I’d seen her interact with the people of the community. She knew them, and they knew her.

  I wasn’t sure if I was brave enough to tie myself to one place like she had. How did you choose where to invest yourself? And what if I chose wrong?

  13

  I spent the rest of the day doing little things to make my world feel better. I vacuumed my room, cleaned the bathroom Mae and I shared, and went to the grocery store to restock my stash of snacks. Jill came home and asked if I wanted to watch a movie with her. It turned out that we both liked old Doris Day films and we settled on “Calamity Jane,” which was delightful.

  It was my turn to help with supper. Rosemarie was home, and the two of us put together a chicken taco bar fit for a king. The other girls were only too glad to heap their taco shells with all the fixings we’d prepared.

  My phone rang as Rosa and Mae took over cleanup, and I headed toward the stairs when I saw it was Nate calling. I wanted some privacy for this conversation.

  “Hi,” I said as I took the stairs two at a time.

  “Hi,” Nate said back.

  A little shiver went up my spine at the sound of his voice. I could picture his beautiful green eyes and hoped they were crinkling up in a smile, which was how I liked them best. Or had I caused too much drama today to make him smile now?

  “I’m glad you called. I feel awful about earlier, and I don’t like leaving things in a weird place.”

  “Hey, it’s really okay. It wasn’t a fun conversation, but I think it was one we needed to have.”

  I reached my room and went straight to the little chair next to the window overlooking the back yard, thankful that I no longer kept my phone in my car. I curled up and agreed, “You’re probably right. I talked with Rosa when I came home, and she sort of challenged me on some things.”
/>   “How are you feeling now?”

  “Good, I think.” I laughed a little. “I mean, I still have a lot to mull over.”

  “Well, I’m here if you ever want to talk.” He paused before charging on. “Listen, Em, I know the timing of this is pretty awful, but there’s not a lot I can do about it.”

  “Oh no,” I moaned. “What?”

  “I told my parents that I was dating someone, and my mother insisted that I invite you over for Sunday lunch. Now, before you freak out, just know that this doesn’t mean we’re more serious than we actually are. Meeting my family isn’t some way for me to trap you.” He sighed. “If I could put it off, I would, but my mom really wants to meet you.”

  I fought the panic that was rising. Nate didn’t think this meant too much. It wasn’t his idea. I tried to remember what Rosa had said about investing in relationships. I liked meeting new people. I could meet Nate’s parents and still move away when the time came, couldn’t I?

  And that’s how I found myself wearing my best dress and sandals, nervously holding Nate’s hand as he led the way up the walk to a pristine and very large house that Sunday.

  He stopped at the door and turned to me with a worried expression. “Thanks for doing this.”

  Nate had been quiet ever since he’d picked me up. It was only making my nerves worse. What was he afraid of? I tried not to let his worry crank my anxiety up any higher.

  So, I squeezed his hand and said, “If it helps you out, I’m glad to do it.”

  He gave me a brave smile before turning the knob and leading the way into the house. I followed him and felt like I’d stepped into something out of a magazine. Everything was gleaming, on trend, and spotless. Bumblebee House could have been featured in a magazine, but it was warm and inviting with interesting artwork and fun nooks and crannies. The Weisert home was more like a museum where they scolded you for touching things. I half expected there to be velvet ropes keeping guests away from the valuable knickknacks.