A Time of Peace

by Beryl Matthews

  ‘Yep. Now what’s on your mind?’ Beth asked perceptively.

  For the next half an hour Kate told her about how much trouble she was having getting over the kidnapping and trial. ‘I’m thinking of going over to France for a holiday with Sam and his family.’

  ‘Good idea,’ Beth agreed. ‘A change of scene will do you good.’

  ‘Yes, you’re right.’

  After their coffee, Kate dropped Beth at her home in Putney, and drove back to the flat. Her mind made up about going away, and looking forward to seeing Jacques again.

  22

  Three days later Kate was on the boat to Calais. Sam had received her letter and had phoned through to her father, saying that they would love to see her.

  The sea was choppy so she stayed on deck most of the time. The weather had driven the majority of the passengers inside. Kate watched the churning water, enjoying the solitude. It was strange: she’d never liked to be alone, but since the kidnapping she wanted to be by herself at times. The boat lurched and rolled, and she felt as if the sea were a mirror of what was going on inside her. However, she knew that this was temporary and that the calm would come. She longed for that day.

  Sam was waiting for her as the boat docked, and she rushed towards him.

  He wrapped her in a fierce embrace, rocking her gently in his arms. ‘Ah, Kate, it is good to see you. I am sorry we couldn’t be with you during the trial, but Maria has been ill and we could not leave her.’

  Kate looked at him in surprise. ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, why didn’t you tell me? Is she all right? I wouldn’t have come if I’d known. I’ll stay in a hotel – ’

  ‘Shush.’ Sam stopped her outpouring of concern. ‘We didn’t tell you because you had enough to cope with. She’s had a hysterectomy, but is now well on the way to full recovery and looking forward to having you stay with us for a few days.’

  ‘If you’re sure. I won’t be any trouble. I just need a rest away from everything that’s happened this year.’

  His smile was gentle. ‘You are never any trouble.’

  He picked up her case, and they walked to where he’d parked the car. She knew she could be honest with Sam. She always had been, ever since she was a little girl. ‘I’ve been nothing but trouble, Sam. I’m not coping well and worrying the life out of Mum and Dad.’

  Sam put her case in the boot of the car, took her arm and guided her to a corner seat in a café on the harbour. Kate sat down and took a deep breath of fresh air. It was lovely to be somewhere else, away from the stress of the last few weeks.

  After ordering coffee for them both, Sam studied her face, as if trying to see inside her. When he spoke his tone was firm.

  ‘Rose and Bill have faced more problems than you’ll ever know, and they will handle this with the same fortitude they’ve always shown. You must stop using that as an excuse and deal with your own problems. Your parents, with Annie and Reid, are among the bravest people I have ever met. So stop worrying about them.’

  Kate was taken aback by his words and irritated by them. ‘I know they’re strong and brave, but I’m not like them!’

  ‘You have their blood running through your veins, you can’t help being like them. But you seem to have forgotten that.’

  ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about.’ Kate snapped at him, angry now. Sam was a close family friend, but what right did he have to pass judgement? She’d come here for a rest, not to be lectured to.

  ‘Do I not?’ He didn’t seem at all put out by her sharp tone. ‘That is strange, then, because I’ve known you since you were about five years old. Even then you showed great sensitivity to other people’s troubles and did your best to help. Jacques would not be the well-balanced boy he is now if it hadn’t been for you.’

  ‘It wasn’t just me.’

  ‘I agree, it was your entire family, but it was you he clung to in his confusion; you who showed him you cared. That little girl is still there, even if you are trying to bury your true nature because you’ve had a nasty experience.’

  She’d had enough of this and went to stand up, but Sam caught her hand. ‘Sit down, Kate. Let’s get this done with and then you can really enjoy your holiday. But, if after we’ve talked, you want to get the next boat back home, then I won’t stop you.’

  She’d never known him be this forceful before, and there was something about him that made it hard to disobey. Kate stirred her coffee, sipped it, then sat back. ‘What are you up to, Sam? Why are you doing this?’

  ‘We love your family. Everyone else might be tiptoeing around you, not wishing to cause you more distress, but I’m not willing to see you hurt yourself and everyone who loves you.’

  What the devil was he talking about? She’d been behaving perfectly normally – outwardly anyway – hadn’t she?

  ‘Have you cried for yourself?’

  His question threw her for a moment, and the words that came out of her own mouth shocked her. ‘How can I cry for such a coward? I was so terrified when the police broke into that room. I fell apart. I didn’t want to die and would have done anything at that moment to stay alive. I hid behind the mattress in blind terror.’ She glared at him. ‘How can I respect a person like that?’

  ‘Ah, at last we have the crux of the problem.’ He gave a satisfied nod.

  She was furious now. How had he managed to wring that admission out of her? ‘You’re good at this, aren’t you?’

  ‘I had plenty of practice prising secrets out of people during the war.’ He leaned towards her, ignoring the interest they were causing in the café. ‘And I also know what it’s like to have my world torn apart. When the Germans invaded, I fought them, was captured and managed to escape. When I arrived back in my village, I was told that the girl I was about to marry, and our unborn child, had been killed. I fled to England. I was consumed with grief and anger, until I met a gentle fragile-looking woman, who reached out in compassion and kindness. That was Annie, and you have more of her character in you than you have of your mother’s.’

  She gave him a sceptical look.

  ‘I know you’re thinking that gentleness won’t get you through this, but let me tell you something about Annie you probably don’t know. There was an agent named Jack Graham. He was a great friend of ours. One day we lost contact with him and, as Annie spoke fluent French and knew him, she was the logical choice to go in to try to find him. She never hesitated.’ Sam paused, gazing into the distance, obviously remembering.

  Kate waited, hardly daring to breathe.

  ‘On the night she went, I watched her walking towards the plane with her parachute on. She looked so small and fragile, and I knew that every step she took towards the plane revving up its engines was a tremendous effort. She was well aware that if she were captured it would most certainly mean death. She was very frightened, but that didn’t stop her finding Graham and bringing him back. During the war death was our shadow. We were prepared for it, but you are living in a time of peace and would not have expected such cruelty to happen to you. Being terrified does not make you a coward, so stop judging yourself. You did what you had to do and did it well. You survived!’ He slapped the flat of his hand down on the table. ‘You’re alive, Kate, and that is reason for rejoicing, not self-contempt!’

  She was amazed by his vehemence and began to speak, her voice husky with emotion. ‘I’ve always been so sure of myself. Secure and loved, knowing what I wanted in life and believing I Would get it. It was a terrible shock to realize that I could lose control. I hated Derek Howard so much for destroying all my illusions, and if I could I would have killed him without a second thought …’

  Sam didn’t stop her this time as she rushed out of the café and began to walk along the road, head down, deep in thought. He was right. She was alive, and was lucky to have had so much support. Perhaps she was finding it so hard to come to terms with what had happened because she’d been over-protected all her life. So safe! Well, the kidnapping had uncovered the real her; she must
learn to live with that and begin to find her own level in life.

  She sat on a seat with the harbour in view and lifted her head. A hand reached towards her with a packet of cigarettes in it. Sam had followed her but had not said anything, leaving her to sort out her own feelings. ‘No, thanks, Sam.’

  He lit a fag for himself, his expression back to the likeable Sam she’d always known. Good heavens, he was like a chameleon, she thought, already feeling better for giving voice to her secret. She could just imagine him interrogating people during the war.

  He took hold of her hand. ‘Kate, you are many things, but you are not a coward. There is no shame in being frightened or terrified; it happens to us all at some time or other, so have some compassion for yourself.’

  She felt the tears burning the back of her eyes. How she longed to believe that!

  ‘When Jack Graham died only a few hours after Annie had got him home, I watched her bottle up all the emotion and grief. I told her then, and I’m telling you now, let the tears flow. This tendency you British have for hiding your feelings can be crippling. Don’t do that to yourself, chérie. Don’t let that animal win!’

  Sam was right. She had been wrong to believe her fear was cowardly. The situation she’d found herself in had been terrible and would have frightened anyone, but she’d kept her wits about her and stopped Howard from raping her. With hindsight she could see that she’d dealt with it as well as she could. There was no shame in that! Derek Howard would win if she carried on the way she was now. The tears ran in floods down her cheeks, and Sam held her hand and waited for the storm to pass.

  Eventually she wiped her eyes and blew her nose. ‘Even if I can get my life back together again, I’ll never be quite the same, will I?’

  ‘No, you won’t, you’ll be a stronger woman, but you’ll never lose your gentleness and desire to help other people. Your were born with those qualities, and you must never allow them to be buried under the debris of bitterness and self-doubt.’

  ‘I’m glad I came. I needed someone to talk some sense to me.’

  His smile was wry. ‘Annie said I was the one to do it.’

  ‘She knows you so well.’

  ‘We went through a lot together.’

  She smiled for the first time. ‘I thought you would marry her.’

  ‘That was my intention, but only because I needed a mother for my troubled son. We did not love each other as a husband and wife should, you understand? I knew Reid loved her, but I was prepared to be totally selfish. I could have ruined her life, and I’ll always be ashamed of that. After I found Maria in a German labour camp and managed to get her back to the allied lines, I was relieved to see Annie and Reid marry.’

  Kate thought of these two people she loved so much and gave a deep sigh. ‘They are made for each other. Everything turned out right in the end, didn’t it?’

  ‘Perfect, and it will for you. Give it time and be kind to yourself.’

  She looked at the man sitting beside her and understood something of the suffering he must have endured. Hers was small in comparison. She felt as if she’d walked through a long dark room into the light at the other end. The memory of the terror was still there, but it was bearable now. The inner turmoil had been debilitating, and she could now feel the strength seeping back into her body and mind.

  ‘Do you want to get on the next boat, or shall we go home? Maria and Jacques are very excited about your visit.’

  When they stood up, she gave him a hug. ‘You’re a wise old Frenchman, and I’m looking forward to my holiday.’

  ‘Good, and not so much of the old!’

  They were laughing as they reached the car, and for Kate it felt like the first real, natural laugh she’d had for months and months.

  As Sam drove up to the lovely old stone-built house about five kilometres outside Saint-Omer, Maria rushed out and towed her inside. Kate was relieved to see her looking so well and just as lovely. She’d hardly had time to say anything when the door burst open and Jacques erupted into the room.

  ‘Kate!’ He was now taller than her, and she was lifted off her feet and swung round and round, making a strand of dark hair fall into his eyes. ‘I’m almost finished for the year, and can take a few days away from my studies at university.’

  ‘Can you do that?’ she laughed, slightly breathless from his exuberant greeting. She was struck by how good-looking he was now.

  He gave a very Gallic shrug. ‘For you, I can do anything.’

  ‘I have a few days free as well, so I thought we might all go to Paris for a couple of days,’ Sam suggested.

  ‘That’s a wonderful idea,’ Maria said, giving her husband an amused glance. ‘Kate and I can do some shopping.’

  Both men groaned, but they didn’t look too put out by the prospect.

  ‘As long as you leave us time to show Kate the sights, Mamma,’ Jacques said.

  Maria considered this for a moment, then winked at Kate. ‘Do you think one day will be enough to buy everything we need?’

  Kate blew out through pursed lips and frowned. ‘Well, my wardrobe could do with quite a few new things, but I suppose we might be able to manage with just one day.’

  ‘We’d better make our stay three days.’ Sam laughed and stood up. ‘If you intend to buy up half of the Paris fashions, then you must both rest tomorrow.’

  After they’d eaten their meal in the garden, they sat talking as the sun set. Then they lit candles and continued talking, enjoying a bottle of wine and the peaceful surroundings. Kate found the flickering light soothing and, for the first time since the kidnapping, she relaxed. In fact she was so relaxed by eleven o’clock that she found it almost impossible to keep her eyes open.

  ‘Bed,’ Sam ordered the women. ‘You both need to get your strength up for Paris. And I need to see how much I have in the bank.’

  This made them laugh, and Kate felt quite excited about their proposed trip.

  She kissed Maria goodnight and hugged Sam and Jacques.

  Sam spoke softly. ‘Sleep well, chérie. No more nightmares.’

  It was nine o’clock in the morning before Kate opened her eyes the next day. The sun was shining; the only sound was the chattering of birds in the large tree outside her window. She watched sunlight casting shimmering patterns on the wall and sighed with contentment. That had been the most restful and untroubled night’s sleep, and she felt more like her old self. She hadn’t enjoyed Sam’s grilling when she’d first arrived, but he’d known what he was doing. He’d obviously been very well informed about the state she was in, and she could see her Aunt Annie’s hand in this. Her aunt would know he was the right person to give her a jolt. Sam knew how to deal with trauma. She was glad she’d come.

  ‘What do you want to do today?’ Maria asked, when she finally wandered downstairs.

  ‘We could go for a drive, if you like,’ Sam said.

  Kate broke open the light croissant and spread jam on a piece. ‘Oh, that’s delicious.’ She swallowed and smiled at them. ‘Would you mind very much if I borrowed one of the bikes? I’d like to ride around and enjoy a quiet day.’

  ‘You do exactly what you want,’ Sam told her.

  ‘Of course you must,’ Maria agreed. ‘Jacques will be home around five o’clock, so we will have dinner at six.’

  ‘I’ll be back long before then,’ Kate told them.

  Kate kept away from the main road to Saint-Omer and headed for the open country she always visited with Jacques when she was here. After about two kilometres, she dismounted and walked along pushing the bike. She passed some farm workers who greeted her politely. After that it was empty countryside.

  A movement in a field on her right caught her attention. Something was thrashing about in a clump of rough bushes. She propped the bike against the low wooden fence and clambered over. It was a scrubby piece of land and what she saw filled her with fury. A rabbit had one of its hind legs caught in an old piece of chicken wire that had been dumped there. When it sa
w her, the poor animal went frantic trying to escape. Afraid it would injure itself, she caught hold of it and held on firmly with one hand while she eased the leg free. When that was done, she examined the animal carefully to see that it wasn’t badly hurt. After assessing that no great damage had been done, she released it. It shot off into the middle of the field, then turned to look at her as if to say thank you. It gave a little dance of joy and dived down a hole to safety.

  Kate sat back on her heels and laughed. She agreed with the little animal – freedom was a wonderful thing, and so very precious.

  Everyone was in a happy mood as they set off for Paris the next day. Maria had clearly made a good recovery from the operation and was looking forward to the trip, explaining what she intended to buy. Kate had made up her mind to find an outfit in the latest fashion. She would also keep her eyes open for something unusual for the boys. Although Ed was her special favourite, she never wanted the others to feel left out.

  Kate enjoyed the journey – especially deciding what kind of clothes she wanted. She had been brought up to be wise with money and was not usually a lavish spender, but for the next few days she was going to forget caution and, like that little rabbit, rejoice in her freedom.

  23

  After ordering coffee in a café on Boulevard Saint-Germain, Jon found himself a table outside on the pavement, underneath the shade of a small tree. It was a lovely day again, with just enough breeze to stir the air and add a touch of freshness. The café was busy with some people reading newspapers, while others, like himself, just watched the people walking by. He found the relaxed atmosphere restful, and that was what he needed after the party last night at the British Embassy. It had been some affair, he thought, gingerly sipping his coffee. He’d been surprised to find himself in his own bed, but how he’d managed to get back to his hotel was a mystery. He couldn’t remember much after midnight, but the notebook in his pocket held copious notes, so at some point he must have been sober enough to get some work done. Thank goodness for that, he thought with a wry smile, the place had been crowded with politicians from all over and he’d have hated to have missed such a chance. He had enough material to keep him going for several days, so he intended to have an easy day.