Eville's Most Wanted

by Holand Peterson

  The mass of limbs now began rolling and thrashing about chaotically, and Alex felt numerous blows hitting his body from all directions as the four individuals writhed on the floor. He instinctively curled up and wrapped his arms around his head for protection as his body continued to be pounded and rolled upon, while the sounds of clenched fists beating down upon flesh, cartilage and bone mercilessly boomed in his ears.

  “Hey! Snap out of it!” A familiar voice was screaming at him, roughly shaking his body. “Get up you freaking moron!” A strong force slowly pulled his arms away from his face, and there was Moody kneeling over him. “On your feet! Now!”

  Looking first at Moody, then wildly searching for the location of the continued commotion, Alex was shocked to discover that the vampire and the Spaniard had rolled a good ways off, and were now grappling in the hallway outside the apartment, pummeling, crushing, dripping equal parts sweat and blood.

  “Come on!” Moody yelled, dragging him off the floor. “Move your ass, damn it!”

  Alex staggered to his feet, legs and knees wobbling, Moody’s fist tightly clenched to the front of his overalls, and stumbled behind her as she hurriedly led him toward the back of the apartment. They were now in a small kitchen, reeking of rotting food, the counters and sink overflowing with grime-encrusted dishes. Moody slammed the flimsy door behind them, cursing loudly that it didn’t possess a lock, and then cursing even louder after scanning the walls and discovering there were no windows. “Help me, damn it!” she yelled, flinging cabinet doors open and hurling the dishes out onto the floor. “Scarab made a run for this room. There has to be a way out. Something. There has to be!” Moody now opened the cabinet beneath the sink, tossing a garbage-filled bin across the room, and reaching inside began feeling about. Her little hand came in contact with a flat piece of wood, and shoving it aside revealed a chute of some sort. A putrid smell drifted up into Moody’s face, and she coughed and gagged. She hesitated for a second, peering down the slime-encased chute suspiciously. A great crash erupted in the living room, as though a heavy piece of furniture had been broken, as Vega and the vampire continued battle. This was all it took to make up her mind. Moody reached back, snatched Alex by the chest, shoved him head first toward the chute, and kicked him in. Taking a final deep breath, the hunchback slipped in behind him feet first.

  One moment Alex was standing in Scarab’s kitchen, chaos bombarding all of his senses, the next he found himself launched face first down a greasy slide. He figured this was finally it. Any second now he would assuredly feel an overwhelming crush as his body crashed onto the ground four floors down, and in but a fraction of a second his entire idiotic existence would come to a screeching halt. This is how it would all end. Good riddance.

  Alex did finally reach bottom, but his landing was shockingly painless, nor did it (for better or worse, he wasn’t certain) herald his timely death. Instead, he was greeted with a repulsive sensation as though he had landed in a vat of fetid salad, complimented by the most overwhelming stench he had ever had the misfortune to experience. He turned over, a slimy substance greeting his arm, soaking his shirt sleeve, and he became aware that something thick and gooey was sliding off his cheek. He began to wretch, the insides of his stomach rushing up to his throat, only to be interrupted by the weight of Moody crashing down on his back.

  “Ugh. Freaking…oh, I think I’m going to throw up,” Moody croaked, crawling off Alex’s back, disgusting squishy, crunching noises marking her every motion.

  They were, in fact, now lying atop a dumpster situated on the back side of the apartment complex, filled to the brim with festering refuse. On the opposite side of the building the sounds of battle continued to rage in the street, guns popping and flares igniting.

  “Come on, little man,” Moody grunted, gagging, hoisting Alex up by an overall strap, breathing heavily through her mouth. “We can jump down from here,” she added, pointing at a pile of garbage bags below. Alex leaned over the side of the dumpster and groaned, swallowing hard to keep from vomiting. Angry that her ward was moving so slowly, Moody shoved Alex out and jumped down onto the trash pile next to him. They crawled out of the garbage, shivering in utter repulsion, and Moody frantically motioned for Alex to follow her farther down an alley, away from the fighting on the street. Alex stumbled forward, rocking from side to side like a drunken man. “What the hell is wrong with you?” Moody asked finally, pulling him against the alley wall. “What’s wrong? Tell me!” She shook him vigorously, and his head swayed back and forth roughly.

  “I…I…”

  “Yes? What is it? Tell me!”

  “I’ve…I’ve been shot!” he finally gasped.

  “What?! No, you haven’t, dummy. Now come on!”

  “Yes I have! I’ve been freaking shot!”

  “Get a move on! Now! You’re going to get us killed! You haven’t been shot!”

  “Yes, I have, Moody. Don’t you tell me I haven’t been freaking shot! Look, I’m covered in blood!” he added, raising his blood-soaked hands as proof.

  “That’s not your blood, idiot! That’s Scarab’s blood. Vampire killed that freak.”

  “I…I’ve been shot!” he insisted, shaking his head obstinately. “I can’t believe…I just…”

  “You…” Moody began, gritting her teeth. “If you had been shot you wouldn’t have made it this far and you’d be immobilized in pain. You don’t appear to be in any major pain.”

  “Yeah, well…that’s because I’m in shock!” Moody suddenly slapped Alex hard against the cheek, sending him reeling backwards into the wall. “The hell? What the hell is wrong with you? Are you crazy? That hurt, damn it!”

  “You feel that, but you can’t feel the gunshot wounds? I don’t think so, little man. Listen to me: You haven’t been shot.”

  “You…you sure?” he asked, feeling his chest gingerly with his hands, obviously not entirely convinced.

  “Do I have to hit you again?” she said, raising her hand.

  “All right, all right already! Well, I am in shock, ok. I’ve never…God, I’ve never seen anything like that.”

  “I know. But we don’t have time for this. Just shut up and follow me.”

  As Alex and Moody cautiously crept through the dark alleyways, desperate to separate themselves from the continuing conflict, Vega and the Cosa Nosferatu agent grappled with one another brutally. The Spaniard lay on his back in Scarab’s apartment floor, half buried under a mess of strewn papers, broken furniture and various refuse, with the vampire perched atop his chest, attempting to pin down his enemy. The fight had raged for several minutes now, and Vega was nearly spent. It was only due to his frenzied adrenaline that he held off the vampire for as long as he had, although it was becoming evident that his strength would be spent entirely in a short span. He tried to kick and heave his body to the right so as to dislodge his attacker, but to no avail. No matter how hard he pushed, the vampire’s head drew ever closer, inch by eager inch, mouth open wide, toward Vega’s sweat-covered neck. In a final act of defiance, Vega spat in the CN’s face, and as the Spaniard’s saliva slowly rolled down the vampire’s cheek it grinned back at him greedily in triumph.

  “Hey!” a voice boomed by the doorway.

  The vampire glanced in the direction of the voice, and two shots echoed through the apartment. The beast’s cruel eyes suddenly turned blank, lifeless, and following one slight gasp of air crumpled down on top of Vega.

  Hammett stood against the doorframe, slouching, hand cradled against his right ribcage. Droplets of blood and sweat covered his face, and his breathing was noticeably labored and painful. His right hand hung loosely at his side, a firearm trembling in his grip. “Damned goblin licking sons of harpies,” he growled, his face grimacing in pain. “I think I’ve broken a bloody rib. Damn it all, this hurts!” Vega rolled the dead body off and wearily lifted himself up, bringing his back against an overturned sofa. He breathed in long and deep, while giving Hammett a look of profound relief. “Where the he
ll is Necrosia?” the inspector gasped, hobbling toward his partner. Vega shook his head doubtfully, wiping the sweat from his brow. “What? She wasn’t here? Made her companions do the dirty work for her, eh? Well, that explains why those CN bastards were simply waiting around. Probably hoped to follow them back to the inventor after the exchange was made. But plans…changed,” he added, staring at Scarab’s body. “What a damned mess. Ah, this hurts! Did you …did you see which way they went?”

  Vega nodded toward the kitchen with a sigh, and Hammett hobbled over to have a look, grunting and cursing with each step. Leaning heavily against the doorframe, he peered inside the kitchen and looked upon the exposed passage beneath the sink. With a growl Hammett returned to Vega and sat down next to him. “Curse every one of those blood sucking parasites,” the inspector coughed. “Oh, this is yours, by the way,” Hammett added, handing Vega the firearm he had been carrying the entire time. “Lucky I stumbled on it as I crawled up those damned stairs. Four damned flights with a bloody broken rib, I’ll add. Anyway, it appears that the hunchback and the young man escaped out the back. There’s some manner of…secret passage under the kitchen sink. I don’t suppose you care to…?” Vega returned a venomous look at the Cyclops. “I thought not. I can barely move myself. Sons of harpies.” With a great deal of effort he reached into his coat and pulled out his communication device. “Lee? Lee, can you hear me? How are you holding out? Very well. Necrosia’s hunchback and the man have escaped out of the building. Yes, escaped. I believe they would have exited from the rear. No, Necrosia was never here. I need you to send some of your people to investigate as soon as possible. They can’t be too far. If we hurry we might still catch up to them. Don’t worry, we’ll be fine. Vega and I have sustained injuries, but nothing life threatening. Don’t concern yourself with us until you have routed the CN and followed up on the fugitives.” Hammett clicked off his device and dropped it to the floor unceremoniously.

  “Lee says that additional New Brasov officers just arrived and they are making headway pushing the CN back. She expects them to have complete control of the block shortly, assuming no more CN reinforcements arrive. No telling where Necrosia’s lackeys are by now, but if nothing else, those CN maggots have been so overwhelmed by our attack that there’s a very high probability none of their number noticed the escape. Lesser of two evils in this instance. I’d rather have Necrosia and her brood on the run than in Constantine’s hands. Well…” he paused, listening to the shouts and gunfire rising from the street below, “so much for keeping things discreet.”

  “Where the hell is that damned crazy woman?” Moody growled, her hand nervously clutching the knife’s hilt sticking out of her pants. They had been hiding behind a pile of garbage for several minutes now, frantically glancing up the street, and then back in the direction they had just come from.

  “This is where we agreed to meet, right?” Alex asked uncertainly. “Maybe…maybe we’ve got the wrong block?”

  “No, we don’t. This is it. See…there’s where that filthy goblin puked up.”

  Alex looked over at the disgusting green pile on the sidewalk that Moody was pointing at and wrinkled his nose. “What should we do? We can’t just wait around here forever. Those guys back there are going to figure out which way we went soon enough…if they haven’t already. What if…hell, what if they already got to Serene?”

  Moody didn’t answer. She stood, her blazing eyes cast farther up the street, fists clenched tightly and her teeth grinding loudly. “I swear…” she started, shaking her head angrily, but stopping herself short of finishing the thought. “Freaking lunatic woman. Screw it. We have to keep moving.”

  For two more blocks they pressed forward, darting from cover to cover, constantly looking over their shoulders and straining their ears to detect any signs of being followed. Suddenly bright lights illuminated the alley and a car horn blared out twice in quick succession from behind. Alex jumped behind a rusting, graffiti-covered bench with a yelp, while Moody flopped down onto her stomach and lay motionless.

  “There you two are!” Serene yelled happily, leaning out of the pickup’s window with a massive smile on her lips.

  Both Moody and Alex shot to their feet and dashed frantically to the passenger door, wrenched it open and nearly killed each other trying to squeeze in at the same time. “Drive you damned fool harpy! Drive!” Moody yelled, slamming the door and glancing over her shoulder anxiously.

  “Good heavens! What a foul stench! Whatever have you been doing all this time?” Serene asked calmly.

  “We have to go! Now!” Alex yelled in panic. “Go! Go! Go! Go!”

  “Somebody needs a drink, I think,” Serene said, shifting the truck into drive and coasting forward. “And a bath.”

  “Can’t you go any faster, woman?” Moody growled.

  “Of course I can, my dear, but I don’t want to draw any undue attention to ourselves. In fact, I believe we’re all quite fortunate. I saw three or four police cars zoom by just a few minutes ago. And you know what? They were heading precisely in the direction of the forger’s residence.”

  “You don’t say?” Alex exclaimed.

  “I do indeed. We need to be extra cautious for the time being.”

  “You have no idea of the hell Moody and I have just been through, Serene.”

  “You certainly smell like hell, at any rate,” the inventor replied, rolling down her window. “You could gag a maggot with that stench.”

  “You sent us into a freaking war zone, you idiot!” Alex yelled. “There was a full-on gunfight in the street! A gunfight! With bullets and everything! And a whole mess of vampires in…really nice clothes.”

  “They knew we were coming, Serene,” Moody added. “They were waiting for us. Cosa Nosferatu. UEL showed up too. It was chaos.”

  “Cosa Nosferatu? What do they want?” Serene asked innocently.

  “What do you think, Serene?” Moody barked back. “They want you.”

  “And I was freaking shot! Shot!”

  “No you weren’t, little man.”

  “I was very nearly freaking shot, ok? Freaking bullets were whizzing by my head. Look at me! I’m covered in blood, Serene. This is Scarab’s blood all over me. They killed her…him…whatever! Killed! Dead!”

  “My, my,” Serene said, nodding approvingly. “That sounds intensely exhilarating.”

  “Exhilarating?” Alex gasped. “We’re lucky to be alive, you psycho!”

  “And think of what amazing stories you’ll now be able to share with your future offspring. More exciting than any adventure tale you could purchase in the store. Move over, Odysseus, here comes Alex Hobbs!”

  “You know what?” Alex began, trembling. “I don’t want to talk to you right now. You…you…I need to get my heart rate down before I have an aneurism or coronary and keel over. Just…just shut up for a while and get us the hell out of this horrific town. I can’t…I can’t deal with you…”

  “What a mood you’re in! Never mind. Let me see our documents.”

  As these words passed through Alex’s ears his heart plunged down into his stomach and he turned as white as a sheet. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!”

  “What now?” Serene asked with an exasperated sigh. “Honestly man, you keep this up and you are going to give yourself a coronary, and with my collection of hearts destroyed in the mansion there’s nothing I can do for you in such a scenario.”

  “I don’t…they were in my hands…and Scarab…” Alex blurted, burning with anger.

  “Hey, it’s ok, little man.”

  “No. No it’s not! I can’t believe this!”

  “What are you going on about, dear boy?” Serene asked. “Spit it out already!”

  “I don’t have the damned papers. They’re still in the apartment! Damn it!” Alex smashed his fist against the dash, tears of rage, hopelessness and exhaustion welling up in his bloodshot eyes. “They were in my hands…God! I had them, and then…everything went wrong. Scarab yanked
them away. It happened so fast. All of that…everything that just happened…for nothing!”

  “Well, that’s certainly depressing news,” the inventor growled. “I seriously doubt we can go back now.”

  “You think? Oh my God, I can’t believe this! I think I’m going to be sick.”

  “Hey. Hey.” Moody interrupted, shaking Alex by the shoulder. “It’s ok. Look.” In her stubby hand the hunchback clutched the three documents, slightly bent and creased, but intact nonetheless. “I made sure to stuff them in my pocket before running out.”

  “Thank God!” Alex sighed heavily, leaning his head against the dash, spent from head to toe.

  “Good show, Quasimoody! Three cheers for us! Ha, ha!” Serene reached down under the bench and pulled out a paper bag. “While the two of you were handling your business, I stopped by this charming street vendor and got us dinner! Time to celebrate our first major victory, eh! In this bag I’ve got us some heavenly caltabos. It’s a sausage made from minced pig organs. Very, very fine. You’ll also find a bit of frigarui for you to try. Decent…but not my favorite. Now the baklava…oh, dear boy…the baklava…is to die for. And get this: I got it for free. I made a rather strong impression on the vendor. Delightful man. Why, we had the most fascinating conversation…”

  “Wait a minute…” Alex butted in, raising his head off the dash. “Let me get this straight…while Moody and I were getting the crap kicked out of us, dodging bullets and running for our lives…you were out shopping and…chatting with the locals?”

  “Of course, darling! That’s why I gave everyone spending money. You should have seen him, Alex, very handsome, indeed. I must confess it was obvious that he was likewise extremely aroused by smoldering beauty. Had a sinfully lustful look in his eyes. Old Necrosia still has it, eh?”