by Saundra
Chapter 34
Secret
It had been just one day since the meeting with Dr. Cesaley Wright and Penny, and I was still in awe. I was still lost. I had been up all night; I couldn’t close my eyes to go to sleep. I just sat on my couch in a fog. The only place I had forced myself to was the toilet and hot shower. My life at the moment was a bad dream. Who was I really? I would never understand how I had missed so much when I thought I knew it all. Was it the material things? Had I been so caught up in a Ferrari that I failed to see what was in front of me? Penny’s pain. Had I chosen the good life over her?
If I cried hard, and I shut my eyes tight, a resolution was bound to pop out at me. Nothing came, though, just the bottomless pit of my gut that wanted to release any fluids that might be available. ’Cause I had nothing else left inside me. I was empty and feeling all alone. I couldn’t think of anyone. Every time I imagined Penny’s face, tears flowed down my cheeks. My chest rose and fell.
I was in the mood to say a word, but I wasn’t even sure that if I opened my mouth anything would come out. The ringing of my cell phone only annoyed me. I considered making a move toward it, but my legs felt like bricks. I couldn’t move them, so I stayed still. I was in a fog that I wasn’t sure would ever end.
The pounding on my door pulled me away from the silence that my ears had adjusted to. Then the constant ringing of the doorbell started. Slowly, I stood up and walked to the door.
“I know you seen my call. Why you playing around?” Isis accused as she barged in past me. “You have ten fits when I don’t answer your calls.” I followed her but said nothing. “Who you got up in here?” She glanced around the den as if she expected to see someone in there.
“I’m here alone,” I managed. I didn’t realize how dry my mouth was until that moment. My tongue felt like it got stuck on the roof of my mouth.
“And what’s wrong wit’ you?” Isis looked at me for the first time. When I had answered the door, she had barged in past me so fast that she never made eye contact.
“Just in here trying to clear my head.”
“What’s up, Secret? You look funny and sound funny. Something ain’t right. Spit it out.”
“Yesterday I went and met wit’ Penny and her therapist, Dr. Cesaley Wright.”
“Oh, snap, how’d it go? Wait, what happened?”
“Nothing happened, but I found out a lot. And I’ve been stupid, Isis.”
“How? What do you mean?” Isis shrugged her shoulders.
“Penny, she blames me for what happened to her. The rape, all that. She blames me.” My stomach again twisted up in knots. I had to fight to keep from throwing up. I had done that most of the night. That was the reason I had nothing else left in me but fluids. And I was sure I didn’t have much of that anymore.
“Nah, I don’t believe that.” I was in denial, but that didn’t surprise me. “Did she say that to you?”
“No, she says she blames the rapist, and I believe that. But she blames me, too. I just know she does . . . I could hear it in her tone. The things she said.” I bit my bottom lip trying to hold back tears, to hide the choking noise in my voice.
“Well, what did that therapist say? She wanted to see you and all that.”
“Yeah.” I gave a sarcastic laugh. “That turned out to be sketchy.” Isis’s forehead twisted up with confusion. “Dr. Wright just wanted me to come in so she could be with Penny while she transitions. Meaning get shit off her chest. Kinda give her the courage.”
“Penny don’t need help wit’ that. She knows she can talk to you.”
“Apparently it’s not that easy. She’s been going through a lot, Isis. Shit I had no idea about. Shit you didn’t even know.”
“Tell me then.”
“Penny has been drinking because she couldn’t sleep because of nightmares about the rape. She far from being over that. Oh, and get this, she moved out so that she can give me my freedom.”
“Freedom for what?” Isis again shrugged her shoulders.
“She feels guilty that I have taken care of her her whole life. She thinks I’m burdened by her. The drinking, of course, cleared her mind from that. And again she swears Jackie didn’t have anything to do with her drinking. And you want to know the scary part . . . this time I believe her.”
Isis looked stunned. She was not used to me saying I didn’t blame Jackie. “So, yep, that’s it in a nutshell. I only find out that my sister blames me for her rape, one that she may never get over. She believes she’s a burden to me and was willing to sacrifice herself to give me my privacy. So thank you, Isis, for encouraging me to go find all that out. Thank you for sticking your nose where it didn’t belong.” I was now angry.
“Wait, are you blaming me for this?”
“You goddamn right,” I yelled. “I told you I didn’t want to go. I told you it was not a good idea. But you had to dig your heels in and force some shit.”
“Oh, no, you will not blame me for this. This ain’t on me. I had no idea that Penny had anything to say to you. I had no idea the rape was a part of this. There was no way I could have known.” Isis threw her hands in the air like she was tossing caution to the wind.
“But if you had left it alone, then just maybe . . .”
“Just maybe what?” Isis put her hands on her hips. “What?” Isis squinted at me. “Maybe Penny’s mind would have changed about the way she felt? What exactly do you think would have changed, Secret? Please tell me. Because I need to know, what is it about encouraging you to do something that Penny really wanted you to that caused any of this? I’ll wait.” She crossed her arms across her shoulders.
I was not feeling the card she was playing. “Don’t make this bullshit about Penny; the fact of the matter is, I trusted you, so I went. Now my mind is fucked up.”
“Again, it ain’t my fault, Secret. You need to stop running and pointing your goddamn finger. What happened to Penny ain’t going away, and the fact she turned to alcohol to silence the demon says that she was suffering. And for whatever reason, she didn’t come to either of us. Her family, her sisters. But now she has the courage to release some of what she is feeling. It ain’t all about you. So stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
“You think I don’t know that? I never said it was about me. But I’m the reason she was raped. I may as well have poured the liquor down her throat. I’ll never forgive myself, Isis.”
“Well, you should try.”
“Just fuck it. ’Cause you don’t get it.”
“Know what, I’m done. I ain’t gone sit here and argue wit’ you. When you get out yo’ feelings, give me a call.” Isis stomped toward the front door. She suddenly stopped and turned to me. “Oh, and I had an idea for the business. That’s why I came by. Or maybe you changed your mind about that, and you can call me up and blame me for that, too.” She exited the door and slammed it.
I was just sick over the Penny situation, and I couldn’t believe I had just flipped the whole thing on Isis. Deep down, I knew none of it was her fault, but I was angry and confused. I wasn’t sure what to do or think. One thing was for sure, all the crying had done nothing to soothe my pain. And I still had no resolution. What I really needed to do was relax, and I could only think of one way that I could do that. I strolled over to my in-house bar and grabbed a brand-new bottle of Jack Daniel’s. Removing the top, I thought about Penny and pictured her saying that Jackie was not the cause of her drinking. Her words echoed in my ear. I snatched up a shot glass and headed for my bedroom. If Jack couldn’t help me get my thoughts together, I was certain nothing else would.
Chapter 35
Isis
I raced down the interstate, upset as I replayed the things Secret said, as she blamed me for the visit to the therapist. I could not understand why she blamed me. All I had been trying to do was fulfill Penny’s wishes. She really wanted Secret to come to the session, as the therapist had requested. It would be good for them. And I still believed it has been. Penny was able to rele
ase feelings and thoughts, which might be helpful in the future for her recovery. I only wished Secret could see that.
I wasn’t sure when I had decided to go to Bobbi’s house. I didn’t even know if he was home. But at some point my car must have pointed itself in that direction, because the next thing I knew, I was pulling up to the condo that he was renting. I sat in the car and held onto the steering wheel as I stared at his front door. The engine in my car was still running. I contemplated just pulling off, but it felt as if something was pushing me toward the front door. Slowly, I turned off the ignition and climbed out of the car. The walk up to the front door felt more like a stroll as I put one foot in front of the other. I took a deep breath before ringing the doorbell. I prayed Melvin didn’t answer the door. Sometimes I felt like he was Bobbi’s second shadow.
Bobbi’s eyes stretched wide when he opened the door and realized it was me. But I guess I had to be honest: I was probably the last person in the world he expected to show up at his door. Hell, I was shocked that I was there. “Isis, hey.” He seemed nervous. “Is everything okay?” he followed up. I almost laughed, even though I was upset. I was the one who was supposed to be nervous, not him.
“Nothing. I just thought I would stop by,” I lied. “The invitation is still open, right?” I said. He had given me his address and told me to feel free to stop by whenever I wanted. This just so happened to be the first time I had thought to take him up on that offer, and I didn’t know why. Although we were cordial again and I gave him business advice, I didn’t consider him a friend like that. I wasn’t ready to accept him back into my life like that. I probably never would, and I was more than okay with that. But why was I there?
“Of course. Like I said, whenever you ready . . . Come on in.” He ushered me inside. I stepped in but stood by the wall. He smiled at me, then shut the door. “I was sitting down in the den watching a movie and having a drink. Would you like to join me?”
“I guess so, since I’m here.” I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t have anything else to do but go home, because I refused to go into the office. I followed Bobbi into what I assumed was his den. It was pretty laid back, as I would have imagined Bobbi would have it. He had a huge black sectional with some tables and a seventy-inch television screen. “Where is Melvin?” I asked.
“At home. He came by the store earlier after you left, said he was going home to chill.”
“You mean he don’t live here wit’ you?” I was truly surprised.
Bobbi laughed. “Nah, we ain’t doin’ that no more. You know how it is when the Jeffersons move up.” He grinned.
“Yeah, I see how you livin’. I remember when you was sleeping on that beat-up couch at Melvin’s crib. Oh, and fighting those cockroaches.” I laughed.
“Aye, I know. That was fucked up . . . But I can’t front; those were good times.” He smiled, but it slowly faded. I thought maybe something was on his mind. Or maybe thinking about Melvin’s crib revived old memories of what he had done to me. “Would you like me to get you something to drink? I have wine, pop, Hennessy, you take yo’ pick.”
Usually I would have gone for the wine, but to be honest, I really needed something a bit stronger. Maybe I could shake the argument I had had with Secret.
“Fix me a shot of that Hennessy, matter of fact, make that two shots.”
“Damn, you sure?” He glared at me.
“Very.” I smiled. I turned my attention to the television. He was watching one of our old favorite movies we used to watch together, Negotiator with Samuel L. Jackson. I sat back on the sofa.
“Just thought I’d bring the whole bottle.” Bobbi set the Hennessy on the table along with two shot glasses. “And since you goin’ hard, I figured I’d go hard wit’ you.” He filled my shot glass, then his. He looked at me. “Let’s do it.” At the same time we raised our glasses and took it down.
“Agggh.” I grunted out loud as the brown liquid tortured my throat but in a good way. “Hit me again.” I pushed my glass over so he could refill it. This time it tingled my toes, rolled through my feet, then forced itself up through rest of my body all the way to my brain. I had to shake my head just to gather my thoughts.
“Yeah, that brown has that effect,” Bobbi commented as he observed my reaction to the Hennessy.
“I swear. It’s the beast.” I cosigned.
“I’m really glad you decided to come by. I wanted to thank you for stopping by the store today. That was dope. You know, having you support me and all.”
“Hey, I was glad to do it. Besides, I wanted to witness some of the questions I had answered for you during your process. Even though I know you were all being modest. Be honest: you didn’t really need me.”
“Aye, of course I needed you. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t. Please believe that.”
“If you say so.” I smiled. He was lying, but whatever, if he wanted to make me feel like he really needed me to put his store together just to talk to me. Cool. I wouldn’t rain on his parade.
He was now staring at me. I wondered if I had something on me. “You straight?” he finally asked.
“I’m good.” I grinned. That Hennessy was already doing itself justice.
Bobbi poured another shot, drank it down, set down the glass, and turned to me. “Now when you gone tell me what’s bothering you?” I looked at him with the intent to protest his persistence, but I had to be honest, Bobbi knew me well. When we were together we had been close, able sometimes to read each other’s thoughts. At least we had been until his deceit.
“Ain’t nothin’ worth dwelling on.” I wanted to keep it at that without going into details. That was specifically the reason for the Hennessy shots: to clear my mind so I could think about something other than the argument with Secret.
“Isis, I know we just getting back to where we can have a real conversation. But believe me when I say I’m here for you. If you need to talk about anything, whether it’s something that’s bothering you or not, I’m here for you.” As much as I wanted to deny it, I could see in his eyes that he was being sincere. Or was I seeing what I wanted to see? Secret’s words for me not to trust him crept through my mind. But there were all his apologies made since, and his situation had been complicated. Maybe I could soften a little bit and share my small problem.
“Secret and I had an argument before I came over. I was upset and just stormed out.”
“Hey, you shouldn’t even worry ’bout that. Y’all use to beef all the time about petty stuff.” He smiled, but I wasn’t smiling. Secret was really mad at me, and I didn’t like it.
“This ain’t petty. She really pissed at me. I don’t know for how long.”
“Aye, I wouldn’t even worry about it. Y’all friendship too strong. From what I know, y’all sisters. And sisters be back talkin’ by tomorrow. Especially you and Secret.” I knew he was right, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I thought about the things Secret had said about Penny, then the pain that had been on Secret’s face. She was really hurt and blamed herself. I started to regret, to wonder if I had done the right thing by insisting that she go to the session. I still believed I had made the best decision. What if she hadn’t gone? Then Penny would have felt there was no solution other than turning back to the bottle.
Even though she was upset, I had to stand strong in my decision to encourage her to go. Not to mention that I honestly believed that Penny needed to release her thoughts and emotions. Secret never wanted to address her emotions head-on. But like I had tried to tell her, this was not about her; it was about Penny. And what was best for Penny was Secret coming to the session. Now it was done. There was nothing else left to do but move on and hopefully start some healing. Just the thought of all the heartache and pain on all sides sent tears racing down my cheeks.
“Not the tears. I got you. Everything gone be cool.” Bobbi scooted across the sofa over to me. Before I could even protest, I was buried deep in his arms. And I didn’t want to be released. Nothing in me said to back away
, resist.
Instead I consented to everything that followed from the gentle kiss he planted on the tip of my nose. Holding my face up to his, I looked him in the eyes and, surprisingly, I saw everything that I used to see when we had been together. When we were happy, when I believed that we would be together forever. And I wanted him just as bad as I had then. Wrapping both my hands around the back of his head, I pulled his lips down to mine. Prying his lips apart, I pushed my hungry tongue inside and kissed him for dear life.
Bobbi gripped me so tightly yet so gently, I moaned and kissed him deeper, and he met me stroke for stroke. I was craving him. I tugged at his shirt and pulled it over his head. Pushing him backward until he was lying flat on his back, I climbed onto him. Taking my tongue, I kissed his chest until I couldn’t take any more. With his hands up my shirt, he found my breast. I sat up and pulled my shirt over my head. Sitting up, Bobbi found my bra and undid it. He buried his face in my breast. I couldn’t hold on any longer. I instructed him to take off his pants. No sooner than they hit the floor did I all but tackle him back to the couch. Climbing on top of him, I rode him stallion style and released pressure I had been holding in for months. Bobbi smiled as I released all over him. I fell onto his chest, relieved.
We lay on the couch but decided to take it to the bed. All night we went round for round. I quickly remembered the old days when we would tear each other apart all night. Somewhere in my reminiscing or exhaustion from our sex play, I had fallen asleep. I woke up to Bobbi in a deep sleep and the quiet of his house. Looking around the room, I was well aware where I was, and I remembered exactly how I had gotten there.
I glared over at Bobbi, and I knew right then and there that this was not what I wanted. I appreciated that he had been a shoulder when I clearly needed one. But I regretted that I had allowed my weakness to let my guard down. Hell, but to be honest, my body had needed it. Bobbi had given me exactly what my body screamed for: multiple orgasms. But I could not allow it to go any further. I started to wake Bobbi but decided I wasn’t in the mood to discuss it. Slowly and as carefully as I could, I slid from under the covers. He was still deeply asleep. I looked around for my clothes but remembered that we had come to the bed naked. My clothes were in the den. Tiptoeing through the house, I grabbed my clothes, slid them on, and slipped out the front door.