by Saundra
I drove straight home and jumped in the shower. The events of the day that had driven me to Bobbi’s house played in my mind. I thought about how mad Secret was at me. I wondered how mad she would be if she knew I had slept with Bobbi. I could hear her cursing him out and calling me stupid.
Chapter 36
Secret
I was so tired of lying around the house and feeling sorry for myself. That shit was played, and it damn sure was not solving anything. I had to do something to move on the next thing, whatever the hell that was. So when Kirk called rattling on about a shipment and shit that Isis and I did every day anyway, I decided to head over to his house to hang out with him, since he clearly wasn’t doing shit, either.
“What’s up? I was surprised as hell that you wanted to come hang out wit’ me.” Kirk opened the door, jabbering about nothing.
“Listen, that’s exactly the reason nobody come visit you. Because they got to hear this shit.” I blew past him and headed straight to his playroom, where he spent all his time. Kirk had the room tricked out for lounging. It was a game room and den all put together. It had a pool table, arcade games like Pac-Man, and a movie theater off to one side. And of course a complete bar.
“Here you go.” He chuckled.
“Where’s that catered food you said you had over here?” I asked.
“It’s down there on the bar.”
“You expecting company or something?” I was nosy.
“Nah, I just got that food so I could relax and watch a movie or something. Plus, I wanted soul food, no bullshit.”
“Well, good, ’cause I’m hungry.” I wasted no time grabbing a plate and filling it. He had fried catfish, cabbage, sweet potatoes, mac and cheese, cornbread muffins, and buttered beans. I put some of everything on my plate before finding my seat in front of the theater screen. “Why you watchin’ this depressing-ass movie.” I referred to Malcolm X movie starring Denzel Washington.
“Aye, you trippin’. This ain’t boring, it’s educational. This is what you need to be focused on.”
“No the hell I don’t. You trying to make me start a race riot? If not, you should put on something else.” I forked some mac and cheese into my mouth.
“You just complicated. How you gone come over here and ruin my movie.” He got up and put in another movie.
“Oh, okay. Now this I don’t mind.” He put on American Gangster. I got comfortable in my seat and smashed all of my food. “Damn, that was good. Compliments to your caterer. You always pick the best ones.”
“No doubt. I can’t be eating no bullshit. You know, since I ain’t got no wife to take care of me.”
“Yo, that’s your fault. Stop messing wit’ these hoes and you’ll find a wife. Maybe,” I joked.
“Aye, I’m good. I’ll get a wife ’bout the same time somebody wife you.”
“Fuck you, Kirk.” I chuckled. “Ain’t no nigga out here good enough for me. Besides, I don’t play that bullshit. I would fuck one of these lame niggas up out here.” I laughed, but I was serious. I did not play games.
“So what’s up? What really brings you through? ’Cause you don’t ever come check up on ya’ boy.”
“Don’t act like that, Kirk. You know I be checkin’ up on you.” I decided to beat around the bush a bit longer.
“Nah, a nigga ain’t got yo’ attention like that. So what’s up?” He scratched his forehead.
“Nigga, don’t act like that. I always call you. So petty.” I sighed. “But you right. I got shit on my mind . . . I’m a little heated with Isis ’bout some shit,” I admitted. It didn’t sound right, those words coming out of my mouth. Especially talking to someone else.
“Word. Not ya’ girl. You got to be on some bullshit.”
“That might be true, but it’s how I’m feelin’. At least that’s what I think. ’Cause I also feel bad even sayin’ that shit.”
“What’s up, then?”
“Man, it’s just some shit going on wit’ Penny. You already know we been going through some shit ’bout the therapist and all that . . .” Kirk nodded his head in agreement. I had given him a little information on it the last time we spoke. “Well, Isis suggested that I go to the therapist. Just to support Penny, ’cause she really wanted me to come to the session that the therapist suggested I attend. I told you I was against that shit one hundred percent.”
“I remember,” Kirk said. “Shit, I didn’t think you was gone go through wit’ it.
“Aye, and I wasn’t, but Isis convinced me it was for the best. So I did it. Turns out I should have followed my first mind . . . It was crazy.”
“Damn, what happened?”
“What didn’t happen is the real question for you to ask.” I shook my head. I hated reliving it. I had to check my emotions before saying anything. If not, tears would be all over the place, and I wasn’t trying to go back there. “Penny still in pain; she says the drinking was to suppress the nightmares she still suffering from because of the rape . . .”
“Man, that’s fucked. I figured she wasn’t over that shit. Damn.” Kirk balled up his fist. It still hurt him knowing what had happened to Penny, even though he had dead that situation soon as she found out who was responsible.
“Even worse, she moved out because she felt as if she was smothering me. She wanted to give me space. But, Kirk, she didn’t say it, but she blames me. I just know it.”
“Nah, I don’t believe that. I can’t even fuck wit’ that thought, Secret. Get that shit out ya’ head.” He looked me in the eyes. I fought back the tears that were threatening to fall. No matter how hard I tried to suppress them, they fought harder to reveal themselves.
“Listen, this shit got me fucked up right now, Kirk.” I sniffed back the tears but couldn’t shake the knot in my throat.
“Yo, but why you mad at Isis?”
“She the one sent me to find all this shit out. Had she left it alone, I could have avoided all of this.”
“And is that what you really wanted? You don’t think you needed to hear all of this eventually? Clearly Penny needed to get this off her chest.”
I knew everything he was saying was the truth. “I know.” I slowly nodded my head in agreement.
“Isis yo’ girl. I ain’t never seen shit come between y’all. And you know she only told you the truth. You had to go.”
“I know. And deep down I know I’m not mad at her, but I need to point the finger. This way I don’t have to come to terms wit’ shit. Ya’ know.” The tears finally escaped my eyelids. There was nothing else I could do to fight them.
Kirk was to his feet too fast for me to protest. He bent down on his knees. Taking his right hand, he brushed at the tears that ran down my cheeks. “Hey, you always trying to be so tough. At least you been that way since I been knowing you. Let somebody be there for you sometimes.”
Kirk had never looked so fine to me as in that moment. I saw not only a friend but a confidant. Slowly Kirk brought his face to mine and gently kissed me on my lips. I trembled from the effect. He eased back, but I reached out for him and pulled him back in. This time I took the lead.
I kissed him gently on the lips, something I rarely if ever did with a man. Slowly I allowed my tongue to ease into his mouth. And, damn, it felt good, and to my surprise Kirk was a good kisser. I assumed a gangster like him would kiss only as thugs do: aggressively and full of lust. But it was actually full of passion. Fuck foreplay; I didn’t need it. I was instantly dripping wet. I reached for Kirk’s belt. I was on fire. Without one word, he lifted me up and carried me through his huge house, up the stairs to his bedroom, and laid me down on his bed.
He pulled off my shirt and bra, and I arched my back from pure pleasure as he sucked both my breasts. His tongue tasted the tips of my nipples like they were diamonds in the rough. Juices flowed down my thighs in anticipation of him. I could never have guessed Kirk had skills like that.
“I need you inside me, Kirk,” I all but begged. I couldn’t wait much longer. He stood u
p, and his member sang to me, it was so thick and hard. I lifted my hips in the air ready to force it inside. Kirk smiled. He kissed the center of my stomach, then came back up to my lips. I moaned out loud as he slowly entered me.
“Shit,” he mouthed, looking me in the eyes. He took a steady pace and ground me to the best orgasm I ever had, I was sure.
Afterward, we lay in silence in each other’s arms. I opened my eyes and it was daylight. I couldn’t remember even dreaming. I was still in Kirk’s arms. I could not believe what had happened between us. Kirk and I had been friends since we were kids, then business partners. And now here I was in his bed in his arms.
“Good morning,” he said as he stirred.
“Hey.” I eased out of his arms a bit. “What time is it?” I asked.
“Let me check.” He reached for his phone. I used that as an excuse to ease out of his grasp.
“Damn, it’s ten-thirty,” he announced. “And I got like twenty missed calls.” He chuckled.
“Them niggas ain’t used to sleepin’ in late,” I added. My phone started ringing. I reached for it. The number wasn’t familiar, but I still answered. “Hello,” I answered, but got quiet as a recording signaled it was a call from the jail. Then I heard Jackie say her name in between pauses. My first instinct was to hang up, but something stopped me.
“Secret,” Jackie said my name almost as if she was afraid. I was silent for a second.
“I’m here,” I said.
“Thanks for answering.” I could tell she was nervous.
“Why you locked up, Jackie?”
“Just some petty old shit they found on me. I been in here for a week.”
“Hmmm, how you get my number?”
“Penny gave it to me.” I wasn’t shocked to hear her say that.
“She know you locked up?”
“Yeah, I told her.” I didn’t say anything. I was silent again. “So listen, I have visitation today, and I was just wondering if you could . . . if you had time would you come down here and see me. Now I know how you feel but . . . I . . . just thought I’d ask.”
“Jackie, I just woke up . . . I gotta go, though.” I ended the call. I just didn’t know what to say to her.
“That was your mom?” I’m sure he was even surprised I answered the call. Hell, I was, too.
“Yeah, she locked up for something . . . You know how it is wit’ her. Could be anything.”
“I know . . . Did she say what she want?”
“For me to visit her or something.” I blew it off.
“Damn, she asked you that?”
“My thoughts exactly.” I snapped my neck.
“Can I get you some breakfast?” He glared at me.
“Nah, I got shit to do. I’ma get up outta here. I’ll hit you, though.” I all but jumped out of bed, grabbed my clothes, and raced to the bathroom. On my drive home I didn’t know what to think about first: sleeping with Kirk, which was still a complete shock to me, or the fact that Jackie had actually called me and asked me to visit her in jail.
I felt so alone. I couldn’t call Isis, because I was sure she was still upset with me. And the last thing I wanted to do was bother Penny. What I did do was jump in the shower and let the water soothe my mind back to life. It was time I did some thinking on my own. I was known to be strong; here was the time for me to do that in order to pull myself out of the dumps.
Without any plans, I dressed, jumped in my Escalade, and drove down to the jail. No decision in my mind was ever made I just did it. Inside, I checked in, and my name was on the list to visit Jackie. I guess she was serious when she asked me to visit. I wasn’t sure what this was all about, but with Jackie there wasn’t much that could surprise me.
I was checked in and in my eyes treated like a criminal, then taken back. I sat down in front of the glass and waited for them to bring her back. I wasn’t prepared for the emotion that tried to take me once we were face-to-face. I put on my cold face, thought it was easy.
Jackie picked up the phone first. Reluctantly, I followed. I didn’t know if I wanted to hear anything stupid she might have to say. Even more, I wasn’t sure why I was even there. It would have been so easy for me to never come down.
“Hey, I didn’t actually think you would come.”
“In that case, I guess you wouldn’t blame me?” I looked away for a moment. Jackie stirred so much up inside me. But I wasn’t there for that.
“I’m just glad that you did . . .” She paused. “Penny was really upset when I called. I didn’t want to call, but I knew she might look for me. And I didn’t want her to worry.” I almost rolled my eyes at her. After all she had done to us, now she cared if Penny worried about her. That shit was comical to me.
“Yo, Jackie, why am I here? You asked me to come here . . . Why?” I was not about to beat around the bush. Like I had told Kirk earlier, I had shit to do.
“That anger that you give me I deserve. I brought you here today because it was time.”
“Time for what?” I got loud. I looked around to see who might be watching us. Thankfully, we were the only ones visiting.
“I need to explain some things to you about my life. Maybe then you can see why I’m so fucked up.”
“You mean excuse. You want to excuse the things you did. So that you can feel good ’bout ruining our lives.”
“Not at all. I just want to share my life wit’ you. If you will allow me to.”
I was mad. I didn’t want to hear from her. I put the phone on the hook. I wanted to get up and walk away, but my legs wouldn’t allow me. Reluctantly and with some force other than my own, my hand went back to the phone. I picked it up and put it to my ear.
“Spit it out,” I said through my gritted teeth.
“I never told you and Penny ’bout me growing up. I had a twin brother; he was killed, though, when I was a teenager. But our mother married this man named Robert when we were about eight. Now he was nice enough to us. He kept food on the table, and he didn’t beat us. But at night he would rape me and my brother in front of each other . . .” Tears ran down Jackie’s face as she seemed to stare out into the distance. My heart nearly dropped out of my chest at what she had just said. I couldn’t imagine that happening to any child. “One night my mother came in the room, and he was on top of me. And I thought, finally we are saved, she going to kill him. Instead she stood in the door and asked him was he finished. I looked at my brother, confused. Robert said to her, ‘No I haven’t done him yet.’ My brother and I watched in horror as our mother turned and left the room. All that time she knew that she chose him over us; she gave us to our predator so that she could have a husband. This went on until we were fourteen, when my brother was hit by a car and killed. I ran away and never went back home. See, I had been on my own until I had you.” Her eyes came from the distance and found mine.
“So when I had you, I knew absolutely nothing about love. See, I had rid myself of that a long time ago. But I tried; then came Penny and I continued to try, but I was so full of my old life. See, it was always there. I never had a good night’s sleep because Robert’s face was always there when I closed my eyes. That is, until Penny’s daddy introduced me to my cure. And that became more important to me than anything. ’Cause, see, I was free of pain. Then there was you and Penny needing to be taken care of, fed, and loved. I resented that. Mainly, because I felt love for you two; as much as I tried not to, I did. So I started to beat you to convince myself I didn’t love you. That no one had ever loved me, so you two didn’t deserve it. But the truth of the matter is I love you two so much. I fought it, but it just wouldn’t go away. Then one day you hated me the way I hated my mom, and I figured, mission accomplished.”
Tears ran down Jackie’s face, and I had to fight to keep mine in. For the first time in my life I saw her as the damaged adult that she was. Now I knew why we never knew about her mom. I could remember as a kid asking her about her mother. And I remember that she got that same distant look on her face that she
had just now as she remembered her mother. I didn’t want to feel sorry for her, but I understood. How could a mother allow her own kids to be raped just to keep a husband? I was sick for her.
I rubbed my face from frustration. “Why tell me this now, Jackie?”
“You deserve to know, Secret. You have always been my strength, believe it or not. You stood up to me, no matter what. And I heard you, believe me, I did. But I was just so fucked up back then, I couldn’t come back from it. Then, the past few years, I just been ashamed to admit my truths. ’Cause I didn’t want to face them. I never in my life told anyone ’bout what happened to me and my brother until now. I’m seeing a therapist while I’m here. Ain’t the best, but it feels good to get it out. I had to apologize to you, baby girl. And let you know that I love, truly love you and your sister. I’m just damaged goods.” She shrugged her shoulders.
For the first time in my life I saw that she truly did love us, because it was written all over her face. And I admitted to myself that I loved her, too; that’s the reason I was so emotional when it came to her. Our history would forever be tainted. Healing may not even be possible. But I cried for the twin girl and boy that were my mother and my uncle.
“Listen, you keep getting your help while you’re in here. I got to get going, though. You got my number.” I hung up the phone and exited before I broke down in front of her. I wasn’t ready to open up to her like that yet. I was my mother’s daughter.
Chapter 37
Isis
Once again my plate was full: not only did I still have Secret angry with me, now I had slept with Bobbi, making matters worse. I didn’t know what the hell was going on with me. Here I was supposed to be focusing on getting money. I had told myself that’s where my focus was, but here I was, out here pissing off my best friend and jumping into bed with an old partner who had betrayed me in one of the worst ways. I was just not making good decisions. But I was going to get it together.