Bitter Memories

by Margaret Mayo

  A slight pause. ‘I didn’t know. Matilde’s never mentioned it.’

  ‘There’s no reason why she should.’ Tanya lifted her hand to remove a stray strand of hair from her face, and as she did so Alejandro’s eyes went to the wedding-ring that she still wore. There was a sudden narrowing, a start of surprise, though why he should be astonished she did not know. Nine years was a long time to remain single, to hold a torch for the man she had once loved. ‘Goodbye, Alejandro,’ she said quietly, coolly, and with a nod to his wife and to Matilde she left the room.

  To her amazement he followed. ‘I think after all there is much to be said, Tanya.’

  She lifted her brows. ‘Really?’

  His snort of anger shocked her. ‘I know you no longer have any feelings for me, but—’

  ‘But nothing,’ she cut in swiftly. ‘It’s the whole point, isn’t it? Neither of us have any feelings; it was all over a long time ago, so what is there to say? I’m not the sort of person who harbours feelings about the past, at least not when we parted on such bad terms. I’d rather leave things as they are.’

  ‘I’d like to know what you’ve been doing.’

  ‘Really?’ Her fine, well-shaped brows rose.

  ‘You’re married!’ It was a statement rather than a question, almost an accusation.

  Tanya was tempted to let him go on thinking it, but an innate sense of honesty made her say quietly, ‘I was.’

  A quick frown. ‘You’re divorced?’

  ‘I’m a widow.’ she replied flatly.

  ‘Oh—I’m sorry.’ His face shadowed. ‘You have my condolences.’

  Tanya was not sure that he meant it, and she looked at him coldly. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘And I’d still like to talk to you.’

  She shook her head firmly. ‘There’s no point. It would be a complete waste of time. Goodbye, Alejandro.’

  She did not expect him to let her go, but he did, though she was conscious of him watching her as she moved down the narrow enclosed corridor to her room.

  Not until she closed the door behind her did Tanya realise that she was holding her breath, and now she dragged a deep gulp of air into her tortured lungs. It was worse than she had imagined. Over the years her anger had faded. Peter had restored her sanity, made her see that she couldn’t dwell on the past forever. But what she hadn’t remembered was the physical attraction. None of that had faded—he still had the power to turn her limbs to jelly whether she liked it or not.

  It really would be disastrous if she saw him again. Notwithstanding the fact that he was married and unavailable, it would be torture; her body wouldn’t be able to cope. Not even with Peter had she reached the heights she had scaled with Alejandro—could again if she dared let it happen. Oh, no, she must never, ever let herself be coerced into any sort of one-to-one situation.

  It actually amazed her that she still felt this magnetism, this strong pull towards him. It was unreal. Everything had been killed stone-dead nine years ago—or so she had thought!

  She stood at the window, and less than five minutes later saw him opening the car door for his wife, pausing a moment before he got in himself, looking back at the house, almost as though he was aware of her there behind the shutters. Tanya knew he could not see her, but instinctively stepped back, and when he had gone she gave a sigh of relief and sat down on the edge of the bed.

  Later, when Charlene came home, Tanya told her all about her meeting with Alejandro. ‘I could not believe it when I saw him.’

  ‘A cruel twist of fate, I agree,’ said her sister. ‘And what a nerve, wanting to see you again after the way he behaved. I hope you told him where to get off.’

  Tanya nodded. ‘I think I made myself clear.’

  ‘And you say the dress isn’t quite ready. Dò you think he’ll come again?’

  ‘Goodness, I hope not,’ said Tanya. ‘I’m hoping his wife will pick it up herself.’

  ‘Perhaps she doesn’t drive.’

  Tanya closed her eyes. ‘Whatever happens, I’m going to keep well out of his way.’

  But it didn’t turn out like that. A few days later Matilde’s daughter-in-law went into labour, complications set in, and Matilde was off like a shot to be with her family. And the very same afternoon Alejandro arrived to pick up his wife’s dress.

  Tanya opened the door without even thinking that it might be him, and when their eyes met her jaw sagged. ‘I’m sorry; Señora Guerra’s not at home.’ She looked at him coldly, her tone distant. ‘You’ll have to come back some other time; I don’t know whether the dress is ready or not.’

  ‘Fate moves in mysterious ways.’

  Her brows rose characteristically. ‘You think it’s fate that’s throwing us together?’

  ‘It would seem that way.’

  She let out a little cry of fury. ‘It seems more like a curse to me. I’ll tell Matilde you called.’

  But his foot was inside the door before she could stop him. ‘Matilde wouldn’t be very pleased if she knew you were shutting me out of her house.’ His jaw was taut, his eyes glacial.

  ‘Matilde doesn’t know the circumstances.’

  ‘I was compelled to tell her a little; she was puzzled as to how we knew each other.’

  And your wife, she wanted to ask, did she hear your explanation too? Has she found out that I’m the girl you once had an affair with? The one you wrote to her about? Not that she had ever truly believed him. Her mouth was tight, her eyes mutinous. ‘I don’t care what Matilde might think. I don’t want you here; I have nothing to say to you.’

  ‘Were you happy in your marriage?’

  The question took her by surprise, and she relaxed her grip on the door. Instantly Alejandro pushed his way inside. Tanya followed, leaving the door open, feeling that at least she had an escape route should she need it.

  ‘You haven’t answered my question.’ His abrupt tone made her look at him sharply.

  ‘Of course I was happy. I was very much in love with Peter.’

  ‘More than you loved me?’

  The directness of his question made her gasp. ‘I never loved you.’

  His eyes narrowed. ‘You gave a very good imitation of it.’

  ‘Did I?’ she asked coldly. ‘You must have been mistaken. As far as I was concerned all we were having was a brief affair, fun while it lasted. I always knew you’d be coming back here.’ Lies, all lies. Goodness, how could she say such a thing?

  ‘So it meant nothing to you.’

  ‘No.’ The obsidian darkness of his eyes unnerved her, and her answer came out in a husky whisper. She covered her embarrassment by turning it into a cough.

  ‘And the moment my back was turned you found yourself another man and got married?’

  He made it sound as though she had done it the very next day, but she wasn’t going to deny it. ‘Something like that.’

  He shook his head, looking at her with an intentness that cut right through her. ‘I never thought you were that kind of girl.’

  And she hadn’t thought he was the sort of man who would use a girl and then let her down with no compunction whatsoever. ‘It looks as though we never really knew each other.’

  He nodded. ‘It certainly does.’

  ‘And now we’ve sorted that out perhaps you’ll go. You’ll have to call again for the dress.’

  ‘What’s the hurry?’ He smiled faintly, grimly, and sat in Matilde’s rocking-chair.

  Alarm bells rang in Tanya’s head. ‘Aren’t you a busy man?’

  ‘Not so much that I can’t spare the odd hour to talk to an old—flame.’

  He said the word sneeringly, and Tanya bridled. At the same time she could not help noticing how much better his command of the English language was. He had scarcely an accent now, and she wondered whether he had been back to England or whether he had English friends here. Whatever, he was certainly very good.

  ‘Perhaps the “old flame” doesn’t want to talk to you,’ she returned acidly.


  ‘You have other plans? You’re going out, is that it? Sightseeing all by yourself. What a pity your sister is working while You’re here on holiday. It cannot be much fun.’

  His derogatory tone needled Tanya, and she looked at him hotly. ‘Charlene has already taken one week off. I’m not complaining; I have several trips organised and——’

  ‘But none for today?’ he cut in swiftly. ‘Why don’t you sit down?’

  Tanya sat, not because she wanted to, but because she needed to. The effect of seeing Alejandro, talking to him, trying to ignore the very real sensations that churned inside, was very debilitating.

  ‘Is your sister still in the hotel trade?’

  ‘Indeed. She’s managing a hotel in Playa de las Americas; that’s why she came out here. It was too good an offer to miss, the first time she’s been in complete charge. She loves it.’ He confused her by flitting from subject to subject, although she knew she would far rather talk about Charlene than herself.

  ‘And she has not married? Her career is more important to her?’

  ‘Let’s say she’s never found the right man,’ said Tanya, and at the age of thirty her sister was becoming more and more choosy. Tanya sometimes wondered if she would ever find anyone who would put up with her bossy, dominating nature and her strong, independent streak.

  ‘Had you found the right man in Peter?’

  Tanya swallowed hard. His questions were certainly hard-hitting, and always unexpected. ‘I wouldn’t have married him otherwise.’ She looked at him as she spoke, trying to convince him, hiding the fact that Peter had been second-best. She hadn’t admitted that at the time, but it was true. Not that she hadn’t been happy—she had, very much so; he was a wonderful man—but the excitement of a strong physical relation-ship had been missing. If she hadn’t met Alejandro she would never have known what she was capable of, what she needed, what her body needed. As it was, he had spoiled her for anyone else. She gave a tiny sigh, and Alejandro’s mouth tightened, and she guessed he thought she was sighing for Peter.

  ‘I thought I was seeing a ghost when I spotted you at the airport,’ he said, with another complete turn in the conversation.

  ‘I wasn’t too happy about seeing you either,’ she retorted.

  ‘I didn’t say I didn’t want to see you.’ The frown was there, grooving his brow, narrowing his eyes. ‘It had been so long, I’d given up the idea that we’d ever meet again.’

  And whose fault was that? she wanted to ask. You were the one who went away without a word; you were the one who ended it all. She lifted her shoulders in a tiny careless gesture. ‘It’s a small world. Would you like a cup of coffee?’ She had to get out of the room, away from the stifling atmosphere. She had never known it would be like this.

  ‘No, thank you,’ he answered. I’d much prefer to sit and talk to you.’

  Tanya groaned inwardly. ‘About what? What is there to say? I’m sure You’re not interested in every single little detail of my life since we parted, and neither do I want to hear about yours.’

  Her bitter tone caused a further tightening of his features. ‘You’re making it pretty plain what you think about me.’

  ‘There’s no point in pretending.’

  ‘I really misjudged you, Tanya.’ He stood up suddenly, abruptly.

  Good, he was going. Tanya rose too, but somehow they bumped into each other, and the next moment she was in his arms, his mouth on hers, and the years in between might never have been.

  She was conscious of nothing except a rising hunger inside her, a desire that had lain buried for so many years. Nothing had changed. It was sheer insanity, she knew, but as her mouth clung to his the rights and wrongs of the situation did not seem to matter.

  And she sensed in him the same voracity, felt him trembling slightly, felt the hammer beats of his heart, the urgency of his kisses. She began to soar, to forget the empty years. This was now, this was Alejandro, this was the man she…

  Her thoughts tailed away. She had almost said ‘loved’, and that wasn’t right. She did not love him. She desired him, that was all. It was a fatal attraction. Knowing him had brought her nothing but unhappiness. The trouble was she could not stop these feelings that overwhelmed her.

  She had never thought of herself as being highly sexed; in fact it was only this man she responded to in such a way. Even as her thoughts ran along these lines her lips parted and their tongues entwined and she felt a powerful emotion tighten the pit of her stomach. She urged her body against his and found him equally excited, and the thought struck her that if they weren’t careful they would end up making love.

  It was enough to bring her to her senses, but almost as though the thought had hit him at the same time Alejandro let her go, pushing her away, and when she saw the harshness on his face she reeled back.

  ‘What the hell’s this all about, Tanya?’ His voice rasped into the silence of the room. ‘You declare you feel nothing for me, that you never have, and yet you kiss me like a thirsty woman who’s found water in the desert. I’d like an explanation.’

  Tanya closed her eyes. What could she say? She was horrified, mortified, totally ashamed of herself. What had come over her? How could she have been so wanton?

  His hands snapped over her shoulders, fingers hurting, bruising. ‘Look at me, Tanya. I want the truth.’

  There was fire in his eyes, but ice also, a dangerous brilliance that sent a quiver of fear through her limbs. But she had no intention of letting him see that he intimidated her. ‘I might ask the same of you,’ she said fiercely, jerking herself free. Goodness, he was a married man; didn’t that mean anything to him?

  ‘I’ve always found you irresistible.’

  ‘So that’s what it was all those years ago?’ she snapped. ‘Sheer lust! The taking of a body that was only too willing!’

  A shadow crossed his eyes, as though she had touched a raw nerve, gone in an instant, the accusation back. ‘And how about you? Are you as guilty of the same feelings that you accuse me of? Is that why you responded now, why you responded to me when I was in England?’

  ‘Unfortunately, yes,’ she rasped, deciding honesty was the best policy. ‘But it’s not something I’m proud of, and I certainly have no intention of letting it happen again.’

  ‘We might not be able to help ourselves.’

  ‘You speak as though we’re likely to meet again. I can assure you we will not; I shall make very certain of that.’

  Again that narrowing of his eyes, an intent look that pierced right through her, a muscle jerking in his jaw. He shook his head slowly. ‘You’ve changed, Tanya.’

  ‘Doesn’t life change us all? It deals some bitter blows; it’s impossible to remain the same. My values have definitely changed.’

  ‘It’s sad to be widowed so young, certainly, but you shouldn’t let it affect you forever. Life has to go on; you have to enjoy yourself again.’ There was a sudden, surprising softness to his tone.

  Tanya was glad he had misconstrued her words; no way did she want him to think that he was the one who had hurt her when he left England so suddenly and unexpectedly. ‘I intend to,’ she said, ‘But in my own way—and that does not involve you. I’m not interested in rekindling our affair.’

  The telephone ringing cut short their conversation.

  ‘You’d better answer it,’ said Tanya. ‘I can’t cope with the language.’

  In the event it turned out to be Charlene. Tanya heard Alejandro explaining who he was and what he was doing there, and then Charlene must have given him a piece of her mind, because his face was grim when he turned back to Tanya and handed her the receiver. ‘Your sister.’ And when she had finished her conversation he said tightly, ‘Is this a mutual hatred society? I was told in no uncertain terms to keep clear of you. What have you said to poison her mind against me?’

  ‘I didn’t have to say anything,’ replied Tanya, her chin lifting haughtily. ‘My sister is naturally very protective of me.’

  His brow
s rose. ‘I can assure you you need no protection; You’re more than capable of looking after yourself.’

  ‘I agree,’ she said. ‘And as a person who is very much in charge of her life, I’d like to ask you to leave.’

  ‘What if I say I’d like that coffee now?’

  ‘I’d say you were too late; the offer’s withdrawn.’

  ‘In that case,’ he said with a shrug of his wide shoulders, ‘I appear to have no choice, but this won’t be the last time we meet, Tanya; I can guarantee that.’

  CHAPTER THREE

  IN THE days that followed Tanya was on tenterhooks. She did not want to see Alejandro again, but she did not see how she could avoid him if he came to the house. Matilde still had not returned, staying to look after her new grandchild while her daughter-in-law recovered from her ordeal, although Charlene had said that Matilde was using this as an excuse. The truth was she loved babies.

  Tanya could have gone out every single moment of every single day, but she did not want to feel pushed into doing something simply because of Alejandro. When she had first said she was coming out here Charlene had said she would try and get the whole month off, but Carlos, her under-manager, had gone off sick and no one else was capable of taking over, and so Tanya was left to her own devices. She could have hired a car, but decided it wouldn’t be very exciting driving around by herself.

  It was a pity in one way that Charlene had chosen to live so far away from the beaches and the lively tourist areas. On the other hand, she saw the real Tenerife; she could wander into the village, where the pace of life was slow, watch the men talking over their drinks outside the local bar, the children playing, the dogs scavenging. Her disadvantage was the language barrier. The children could say hello and goodbye; their parents spoke no English at all.

  Charlene had taken her into Playa de las Americas and Los Cristianos, and she had seen how the concrete jungle of tourism skirted the southern shore, and had experienced for herself the frenetic pace, even though people were supposed to be on holiday. At heart, Tanya was a country lover and wanted to explore the unspoilt parts of the island, but not on her own.