Bitter Memories

by Margaret Mayo

  Alejandro looked at her sharply, and as if the surprise of her knowing was too great for him he sat down again. ‘Who told you that?’

  ‘Beatriz let it slip.’ Tanya perched herself on the edge of the bed. ‘She was admiring you. He really does you credit, Alejandro. Is he adopted?’

  ‘No, not exactly.’

  Tanya frowned. ‘Then I don’t understand. I presumed Juanita couldn’t have children so you adopted.’

  ‘Beatriz didn’t tell you the circumstances?’

  ‘No.’

  He sighed heavily. ‘It’s quite a story.’

  ‘If You’re not up to it…’ she said at once, half rising to leave.

  He stayed her with his hand. ‘I’d like you to know—if you really want to hear, that is.’

  ‘I do,’ she whispered. She wanted to hear anything to do with this man.

  ‘It all began the day I wrote to Juanita telling her I’d fallen in love with you.’

  He had actually told Juanita he loved her? Tanya was not convinced she could accept that. Maybe he had written to the girl, but surely not to say that he loved her? If he had loved her he would never have left England so suddenly.

  ‘She was terribly distressed, because she had always thought that one day we would get married. Oh, we’d talked about it when we were young, I admit, but as I got older my feelings changed. I thought I’d made it clear to her, but obviously not, because on the rebound she went out with some other guy. He got her pregnant and then didn’t want to know about it. When I got back here she was on the verge of suicide.’

  ‘So you married her after all?’

  Alejandro nodded.

  He had certainly wasted no time, thought Tanya. One argument they’d had, and he’d married his childhood sweetheart. She admired his selflessness; it made her see him in a whole new light. She hadn’t realised he had such a caring side to him. But—would he have done it if he hadn’t genuinely loved Juanita? That was the crucial question.

  ‘And when she died you brought up Manolo as your own? That was very generous of you.’ And further proof that he had loved Juanita. Why else would he want to bring up someone else’s child?

  ‘I could do no less. Manolo and I had grown very close.’

  ‘He always called you Papá?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Does he know the truth?’

  ‘No, although one day I expect I shall tell him.’

  ‘Juanita’s death must have been very traumatic for you.’ She remembered when Peter died she had been inconsolable.

  ‘Juanita was a very dear friend.’

  ‘You are still claiming you did not love her?’

  His brows lifted. ‘It is the truth, Tanya.’

  Tanya eyed him in bewilderment. ‘You did that— married a woman you did not love, simply to give her respectability?’

  ‘More than that: a shoulder to lean on, a friend in time of need, a companion.’

  Tanya wished she could believe him. ‘But she still loved you?’

  He heaved a sigh. ‘I guess so.’

  Tanya wanted to ask whether he had ever made love to her; but it was too personal a question. She guessed he had; no man could live with a woman for six years and remain celibate. Unless of course he had married her on the understanding that he was free to indulge in other relationships. It was a saddening thought.

  ‘And now you are still looking after Manolo, even though you don’t have to.’ What a large heart this man had. A pity none of it was extended towards her. ‘Didn’t Juanita have any family who could have taken him in?’

  ‘No one knew in her family that he wasn’t mine. Beatriz is the only one who knows, because Juanita used to be a friend of hers. I trusted her to tell no one.’

  ‘You mustn’t blame her,’ said Tanya at once. ‘She was upset; she spoke without thinking. She probably thought you’d already told me. You’re a remarkable man, Alejandro. You amaze me, in fact.’

  ‘I did what I wanted to do. I love Manolo as much as if he were my own. In fact I regard him as mine.’

  ‘He’s certainly a fine boy.’

  ‘You get on well with him?’

  Tanya nodded. ‘He seems to have taken to me. I hope you didn’t think I was being frightfully cheeky, staying at your house. Cris seemed to think it would be best.

  ‘I’m glad you did.’ His voice dropped an octave. ‘I like the thought of you in my house. Did you like sleeping there?’

  ‘Yes,’ she said huskily, her pulses beginning a stampede. It was incredible the way he could set her on fire with just the tone of his voice.

  ‘Did you think of me a little?’ His brown eyes were narrowed and watchful.

  ‘More than a little,’ she confessed. ‘I was desperately worried.’

  That wasn’t the answer he wanted, and it showed in his eyes. ‘You were worried because you felt the accident was your fault? Or was there another reason?’

  Tanya closed her eyes. Did she tell him? Could she risk declaring her love at the cost of being spurned?

  ‘Tanya?’ He had risen without her being aware of it and was now standing in front of her. ‘Tanya, I need to know what your real feelings are.’

  ‘My feelings have never changed from the moment I first met you,’ she said huskily, still not looking at him, studying her hands instead.

  She heard his swiftly indrawn breath. ‘So it’s never been anything more than a physical attraction—and now You’re fighting it because your conscience tells you it’s wrong.’

  ‘No!’ Her head shot up in quick denial.

  ‘No?’ He frowned. ‘Then what do you feel?’

  ‘Damn you, Alejandro,’ she cried, ‘why are you putting me through this? What’s the point when we both know what your feelings are?’

  ‘When a man loves a woman as much as I love you he likes to know where he stands,’ he said quietly.

  Tanya felt her mouth drop open. She had not heard him right; she couldn’t have. Alejandro did not love her. He wanted no more from her than a sexual relationship; it was all he had ever wanted.

  ‘You look surprised.’ He sat down on the bed beside her, taking her hands into his own.

  ‘Don’t play games with me, Alejandro.’

  ‘Mi corazón, I would never do that.’ He lifted her hands to his mouth, kissing her fingers, stroking them. ‘You see, like yours, my feelings have never changed. I hoped, amor mio, that you would one day love me too. It saddens me that this will never be.’

  Tanya felt a deep joy well up from the pit of her stomach, spreading and growing until it engulfed her whole body. Alejandro loved her! The impossible had happened—and if what he said was true he had loved her all along. Yet why had he never said? Why had he let her think his feelings went no deeper than a surface attraction? ‘I didn’t know that you loved me,’ she said so softly that he only just caught her words.

  ‘Tanya, Tanya, how can that be? Haven’t I shown by my actions, by my need of you, by every word I’ve said, that I love you?’

  ‘You never put it into words,’ she reproached quietly.

  ‘Did I have to? My sweet, sweet girl, I thought my body said it all. Are you telling me that you never knew?’

  She gave an almost imperceptible nod.

  With a groan he gathered her to him, and for the very first time Tanya felt his love flow into her. She knew happiness such as she had never known before. She lifted her face towards his, expecting him to kiss her, disappointed when he did no more than brush his lips against her forehead.

  Very gently he put her from him. ‘But as you said earlier, for one person to love is worse than not loving at all.’

  Now she could tell him; now she could open her heart without fear of making a fool of herself. Her eyes shone as she looked at him; her whole body sang. ‘Alejandro, it is not one-sided.’

  There was a sudden stillness about him, and his dark handsome eyes looked at her at first in wonder and then in growing disbelief.

  ‘I love you too
, Alejandro,’ she said huskily.

  He frowned. ‘Is this a sudden decision?’

  ‘Goodness, no,’ she replied, shaking her head vigorously. ‘I have always loved you, from the very moment we first met.’

  ‘I want to believe you,’ he said slowly. ‘I want desperately to believe you, but how can it be when you turned your back on me nine years ago, when you disappeared out of my life as though you had gone off the face of the earth? And how can it be when you do not let me make love to you? No, Tanya, I do not believe you.’ He got up suddenly and went over to the window, staring out at the gardens with their brilliant exotic flowers.

  Tanya felt sudden bewilderment. How could he not believe her? What did she have to do to prove it? She had accepted his word; why did he not accept hers? She went over to him and touched his shoulders, and was surprised at how tense he was. ‘Alejandro, it is true. I do love you. Please, you must believe me.’

  He turned and his eyes were shuttered, as though he had pulled a mask down over his emotions. ‘I am sorry; I cannot believe you. You are mistaking a chemical attraction for love, that is all, all it has ever been.’

  ‘No, Alejandro, no. I do love you. I do.’ She put her arms around him and pressed her lips to his, but it was like kissing a statue, and she stepped back in utter confusion.

  ‘I think you should leave.’ His voice was dead, lifeless, and she could not believe he was doing this to her.

  ‘But Alejandro…’ Her voice trailed off as to her dismay a nurse came into the room, followed by the doctor doing his daily rounds. Of all the inopportune moments. She gave him one last pleading glance as she left, but he was not even looking at her.

  She stood outside for several long minutes, trying to decide whether to wait or leave the hospital altogether. What point was there in protesting her love when he had made up his mind? She kept shaking her head. It was unreal the way he had reacted. She would have thought that when he discovered their mutual love he would be overjoyed. Exactly why didn’t he believe her?

  Because she had walked out on him, he had said. That was a laugh for a start; he was the one who had left England. And because she wouldn’t let him make love to her. Again, another inexcusable statement. He was out of his mind. The accident had done more to him than anyone realised. She would go; there was no point in continuing their conversation while he was so adamant. She would give him time to think, hopefully to accept the fact that she was telling the truth. Lord, it didn’t bear thinking about. They had both admitted their love, and yet she was still as far away from him as ever.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  WHEN Manolo came home from school he was eager to go and see his father, but Tanya insisted that he have something to eat first. This, she had discovered via Alejandro’s housekeeper, was his normal routine, but she had let it slide while his father was in hospital, giving him a piece of fruit to keep him going until his meal when they got home.

  Today, though, she wanted to put off the moment when she went back. Not that there would be any time for conversation—Manolo always monopolised his father, and usually other members of the family came too. It was generally only in the mornings that Tanya had Alejandro to herself.

  Her plan did not really work, because Manolo wolfed down his sandwich and orange juice and pronounced himself ready in three minutes flat, and they were at the hospital at their usual time. To Tanya’s intense relief Beatriz was already there, welcoming her warmly, and not seeming to notice the tension between her and Alejandro.

  When visiting finished at seven Tanya had still not spoken to him privately, and as he let her go with a faint, regretful smile Tanya did not know whether she would be welcome again.

  Outside Beatriz had a quiet word with her. ‘I thought Alejandro seemed a little subdued. Do you know why?’

  ‘I didn’t notice,’ lied Tanya, shaking her head. Not for anything was she prepared to disclose their earlier conversation.

  ‘I hope he is not suffering in silence. I hope there is nothing wrong that he isn’t telling us.’

  ‘I shouldn’t think so.’ said Tanya.

  ‘Please ask when you see him tomorrow. I know he will talk to you.’

  Tanya grimaced. ‘He doesn’t tell me everything, Beatriz.’

  ‘Then you must insist. If not I will see the doctor.’

  Tanya spent an almost sleepless night. It was impossible to accept that now she had discovered Alejandro loved her he would not believe that she loved him. There must be some way she could make him see the truth, but how, if words alone would not do it?

  She was no nearer a solution when she got up the next morning, and once she had taken Manolo to his friend’s home she could not make up her mind whether to go to the hospital or not. She went back to the house, and was still debating when Cecilia came. The woman looked pleased to see her still there, pushing a carefully wrapped parcel into her hand. ‘Alejandro, you give?’ Tanya’s decision was made for her.

  It was with some trepidation that Tanya walked into Alejandro’s ward. Today he was not sitting; he was pacing the room. He looked pale, and was not as well as yesterday, although his jaw was freshly shaven and he had on a clean pair of pyjamas.

  ‘Buenos dias,’ Tanya.’ It was a curt, almost uninterested greeting.

  ‘Buenos dtías,’ she replied quietly, swallowing the lump which had risen in her throat. She loved this man so much that it crucified her to be treated so distantly. How could he do it when he had confessed he loved her? ‘Your housekeeper’s sent this for you.’ She handed him the parcel, which was obviously a book, careful not to let their fingers touch. Contact would be both explosive and disastrous; already she was brimming over with conflicting emotions.

  ‘Thank you.’ He put it on the windowsill, ready to be opened later, and when he said nothing further Tanya turned to leave. She had reached the doorway before he spoke. ‘The doctor says I can go home tomorrow.’

  She suddenly felt as though a heavy weight were sitting in the bottom of her stomach. Once he was home she would no longer be needed. It would be the end. She would go back to England and never see Alejandro again. She felt tears welling, and desperately tried to stop them. ‘That’s good news.’ Lord, was that thin, wavery sound her own voice?

  ‘You don’t look particularly elated. I thought you’d be pleased. You can go home now without having to pretend any more.’

  ‘Pretend?’ she asked, shocked. ‘My love for you is not pretence, Alejandro, nor is it purely physical. I don’t know how you can think that.’

  ‘I think maybe you do not even know that you are pretending. I think you are deceived by your feelings. I think you are mistaking desire for real emotions.’

  ‘Damn you, Alejandro.’ Tanya glared at him furiously. He was out of his mind; he had to be. The accident had affected his brain. But if that was the way he wanted to play it she wasn’t going to beg and plead. She would pack her bags and go the moment he was discharged, and if he truly loved her he would come after her. If he didn’t…She did not dare think about that.

  She swung around on her heel without saying any more, hoping against hope that he would call her back as she marched down the corridor, but her footsteps echoed alone.

  She did not go back to the house straight away, going down to the harbour instead and standing watching the ships coming and going. When she did finally return Cecilia had left and she went up to her room to pack her case. One more night she would stay, then the second he set foot inside tomorrow she would be gone. If he couldn’t believe her, then he wasn’t worth loving.

  She sat forlornly outside in the courtyard, listening to the bird-song, looking up at the palms reaching as high as the building. Usually she loved the quiet serenity, but today her mind was in too much turmoil to feel anything but distress.

  She could have been happy here with Alejandro, with Manolo, with their own children. Now she realised it had never been anything more than a pipe-dream. She and Alejandro were not destined for each other.
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br />   It was a long day. When Manolo came home she told him that she was not feehng well and could not take him to the hospital.

  ‘But I want to see Papá,’ he protested.

  ‘Your daddy is coming home tomorrow,’ she told him.

  ‘He is?’

  Tanya nodded.

  Manolo’s face broke into a big smile. ‘I am so happy. I have missed my papá.’

  There was no doubt, she thought, of the love this child had for the man who had brought him up as his own. Alejandro’s love, too, for Manolo was undeniable. There was some good in him somewhere, even though at times she found it very hard to find.

  She wondered what Inocente thought of it all; whether she would be willing to marry Alejandro and accept Manolo as well. And what did Manolo think of Inocente? Would he accept her as a mother? Would Alejandro marry Inocente? It was very possible. Even though he had professed to love her, he had married Juanita, so what was to say he wouldn’t do it a second time? Lord, how she hurt inside.

  Not surprisingly, Tanya had a terrible night, tossing and turning, worrying and wondering, crying, despairing, telling herself not to be stupid, getting up and walking about the room, making herself a hot drink, going back to bed, still not sleeping. Damn Alejandro, she kept telling herself, damn the man. He wasn’t worth loving; he wasn’t worth all this heartache.

  She fell asleep as dawn broke, and was woken by Manolo jumping on her bed. ‘Wake up, Tanya, wake up. What time is Papá coming? I do not have to go to school today, do I?’ He was so excited that Tanya hadn’t the heart to say yes.

  ‘Of course you don’t, my darling. It’s the weekend.’ In any case, it would probably be better if Manolo was here. She would be able to make her escape while the two of them were greeting each other. Manolo definitely wouldn’t leave his father alone, and Alejandro would be pleased to see his so-called son too.

  All day they waited. Cecilia came and went. Manolo began to get fretful ‘I want my papá. Why doesn’t he come, Tanya? Is he hurting again?’

  Tanya was worried too, though she tried not to show it. ‘Of course not. I expect he’s waiting for the doctor to say he can come. The doctors are very busy. They have a lot of other people to look at.’