by Ian Williams
Peace.
Hey, no offence, Boss. I can say peace but you can’t say peace.
* * *
+
Hi, sorry, last time. Is your mother avoiding certain calls?
I don’t know.
Do you know who this is?
Yeah.
Who?
The guy who just called.
I mean—
I know who you are.
And you think she would appreciate my call?
Probably not.
I see. Well, do me a favour then, Army. Don’t mention this call.
Silence is golden.
Thank you.
You’re not hearing me, Boss. That was for you to say, What’s the price of gold?
* * *
+
I know I said last time last time, but your foot. You said you broke it?
It was broken.
Oh, I assumed it was presently broken.
Passive voice, Boss.
You were in a fight?
You could say that.
Over a girl.
What else is there to fight about?
Money.
* * *
+
It’s not too late.
Black people don’t press charges.
You shouldn’t identify as black. You’re biracial.
I’m okay with black. Like I don’t feel German or whatever it is you are.
German. It’s German.
I know.
You sounded vague.
I had to do a family tree.
You got it?
Trust me, I know. Nazis and all that stuff. I got it.
* * *
+
That’s the version your mother gave you? Nazis and Heil Hitler and skinheads?
I mean, I had to fill in the blanks because why else wouldn’t she talk about you. I figured you guys must have been— She talks about Mutter.
* * *
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Do I sound old when I say peace?
Yeah. You can’t pull it off.
I’ll stick to bye then.
You could pull off later.
* * *
+
I hope you don’t mind that I call from time to time.
Free country, Boss.
Please don’t call me Boss. I’m nobody’s boss right now.
Don’t you run a company?
Did. I’m taking a leave. It was a whole deal that we don’t need to get into.
What do you want me to call you?
How about— I guess Boss is fine.
* * *
+
How could you not hear about this?
Boss, I’ve got my own problems.
Nothing at all? The allegations? Felicia didn’t say anything? I don’t believe that.
You’re probably thinking it was a bigger story than it was.
It was huge. Is. Still.
Boss, people get divorced every day. I could name you ten kids on this block who’re in the middle of a divorce.
It was more than the divorce.
Girls get raped.
I didn’t rape them.
Assaulted. Whatever you call it.
* * *
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I tried a little bit when you were young, but Felicia, your mother,
I know who she is.
made it very difficult.
She said you were a pilot.
She should have told you the truth.
Which is?
Which is, which is long and a bit complicated for now.
Give me the quick version.
She was a flight attendant.
True?
Of course not. I’m kidding. Kiddo.
You guys just keeping lying and lying to me.
* * *
+
Excuse me.
You need to get that cough checked out, Boss.
It’s nothing. Smoking. Don’t ever smoke.
* * *
+
Haircuts? That’s the business?
It started as a barbershop then we found these weights so we had a gym plus I sold freezies and Popsicles for half what the Hasty Market charges and there was the barbecue franchise until a guy busted the fence.
Hold on. Actually, I’ll have to take this.
Is it true that guys always run off with their secretaries?
What? Later.
Peace.
* * *
+
We got cut off last time.
Right, your ex-wife.
You’re fishing.
Your mistress?
No, I’m completely single. No wife, no mistress, no kids. I mean—
It’s all right. Hey, Boss, look, I gotta go.
Army.
Peace.
* * *
+
I should pass through. If Felicia—
Boss, it’s come through. And there’s nothing to see. Since I broke my foot, business tanked. But I have a better business now and I don’t need Mr. O’s garage.
Who’s Mr. O?
The landlord. Not really anymore but. He’s the guy upstairs. He’s probably a lot like you, no? Do you have a problem with the honeys?
I wouldn’t call it a problem.
Yeah, he wouldn’t either.
* * *
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Blackmail is not a business model.
I was just buying lunch at the West Indian place, minding my business, and he was coming out of the strip club. Middle of the day.
Good thing he doesn’t work for the Secret Service.
I don’t get it.
Discretion.
Long story short, he dropped the rent.
* * *
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You have to be careful who you’re doing business with.
Do you, like, hate Jews and stuff?
Of course not.
How about black people?
Obviously not. You can’t believe everything your mother says.
She didn’t tell me that.
* * *
+
Again?
Yup, he dropped the rent again.
Is he molesting you?
I thought of that. He’s pretty straight though.
Don’t joke about that.
No, no, every time he does something to me—
Something like what?
Stupid stuff. It doesn’t even have to be to me. I told you I saw him in his truck with a woman.
So?
Like it was the mall parking lot near The Mansion.
That’s the strip club?
Right. He was probably getting a blowjob.
* * *
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But that’s no reason to pay you.
Like I don’t care if he’s humping shorties near the dumpster.
And it’s not Felicia’s business if your landlord’s cavorting with women.
She doesn’t care if he’s doing it. But she doesn’t want me knowing about him doing it. He’s a corrupting influence. You gotta know the psychology of women, Boss.
* * *
+
How much now?
Fiddy bucks. But it would be suspicious if every month he went up to Mom and told her he dropped the rent. So she keeps on paying the rent and Mr. O refunds it back to me.
You’re basically making money off your mother.
Nants ingonyama bagithi, Baba. Circle of life, baby.
* * *
+
He finally just told Mom to pay whatever she could. And she told him she could afford the current rent.
Stupid.
That’s what I thought. But it’s about dignity.
It’s stupid. That’s what it is.
Anyhow, I’ll work him down until we’re living here practically free.
* * *
+
That wasn’t my fault. I asked the lady in the store what the kids were listening to these days and she said you guys were just taping music off
the radio. Mix-and-match tapes, she said.
It’s mixtape. I opened up the package in the middle of the barbershop. You don’t just give somebody a blank tape.
I fixed it. I made you a mix and match.
Come on. It’s mixtape. It’s not some German kleinleiderkampfchatzenwunderword.
* * *
+
No, I can teach you. We’ll start with die Lebenskraft und Lebensfreude.
Is that all one word?
Two. Die Lebenskraft und die Lebensfreude.
They sound similar. I got the und.
The only difference between them is joy.
* * *
+
Later.
Don’t hang up. I have something to ask you.
Sure.
Okay, promise you won’t get mad.
No, I knew you’d ask someday. You have a right to know what happened between—
Just promise.
It was the seventies. Both of our mothers were dying—
You know I’ve got all these businesses, right?
Right.
I was wondering if you could spot me a dime.
How much is a dime?
Well, not a dime-dime.
* * *
+
She came by and made a big show. So you’re saying she took that cheque from you too?
She keeps my bank book. Plus Hendrix told her that I got the cheque.
But I made it out to you. She had no right.
Exactly. So can you?
I’m not in a position to give you money right now.
Boss, if you don’t want to, just man up.
No, that’s not it. My records are being monitored.
Whatever.
I’m telling you the truth.
* * *
+
You sound surprised.
I haven’t heard from you in a while.
I was away.
You’re still away.
Are you all right? Is this about the money?
No, this phone call may be monitored.
* * *
+
Do you always answer the phone?
No. I only answer if no one’s home.
* * *
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Next year’s too far away for me to know.
They’re making us choose courses already. I’m gonna take Business as my elective. Try and figure out how to keep my money working for me, you know.
Easy. Don’t get sued.
* * *
+
Nothing’s going on.
You’re in the papers.
I already told you that I was in the papers.
Yeah, but you’re in there again.
I am aware.
Are you going to lose everything?
* * *
+
If you had to choose between me and a trust fund.
Trick question.
Honest answer.
How much is the trust fund?
I suppose that’s the answer.
Ballpark.
* * *
+
Shoot.
And if you had to choose between your money and, like, me?
I don’t.
If.
There’s no if. There’s no choice.
* * *
+
How’s the girlfriend you can’t tell me about?
Summer girl? She’s back in America. We had to keep it on the down-low. You might know her. Boston?
I’m not chummy with too many prepubescent girls.
She wasn’t prepubescent. She was real pubescent.
Either way.
But I have a new girlfriend I can tell you about. You want to talk to her?
Well—
But don’t call her my girlfriend.
I don’t really—
Hang on.
* * *
+
She sounds very pretty.
He said you sound hot.
Not hot, Army.
She said, Ew.
I didn’t say hot. Please tell her that I—
She’s gone. Ew, she said.
I’m glad you find that amusing.
* * *
+
When’s your ex coming back?
December. Oh, I didn’t tell you. She’s preggers.
With?
We don’t know. She thinks it’s a girl. I think it’s a boy.
I mean, is it your baby?
No, but I can still have an opinion.
* * *
+
It’s not your baby. Why do you care?
I mean there’s like a 0.1 percent chance. Maybe a 1 percent chance. Like broken-condom, vasectomy-odds.
And she was your girlfriend when she got pregnant?
Sort of yes, sort of no.
Either way. If it’s not your kid and she wasn’t your girlfriend then there must have been another guy.
I don’t know. Maybe. But she wasn’t into him.
* * *
+
Listen to me, Army, and listen good. It’s not your kid. Run.
She’s not suddenly some kind of ghost because she got pregnant. You don’t know her.
Run. It’s not your business.
It’s not yours either, Boss, but you’re all up in it.
* * *
+
I don’t usually go around advising people on their personal matters.
And what if it was my kid?
Then that’s a different matter.
But same advice.
What?
What? Nothing.
* * *
+
Get yourself a new girlfriend.
You don’t have to worry about me.
Don’t get anybody pregnant.
I know that, man. I wrap my junk up tight. Like say something original.
It’s the worst thing you could do with your life.
* * *
+
I just thought. It’s been a while.
I know I got a sexy voice and everything but why do you keep calling?
Just to see how you’re doing.
I’m doing fine.
What’s happening?
Nothing. I mean, you call and you talk and that’s great, but I’ve got money to make and you’ve got money to make to pay off all those honeys you were assaulting—
I was not—
Allegedly. Anyway, talk don’t pay the bills.
If you’re suggesting I stop—
I think you’ve got some stuff to work out, like you and Mom.
You told her?
This morning. She asked.
Just out of the blue?
She keeps the newspaper articles about you. I was doing a little browsing and I didn’t put stuff back exactly like I found it. Anyway, she’s going to change the number.
* * *
+
Hello. Are you there?
I’m here.
Why are you so quiet?
Mom doesn’t want me talking to you.
You’re taking it very literally, don’t you think?
* * *
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I saw the Jordans you were talking about.
You don’t have to get me stuff anymore. Buy me stock.
I could put you together a portfolio.
I already know what I want.
What company?
Two, actually. And I don’t know the names. I just want this ticker symbol. ARMI is the first one and ARM is the backup.
Which index?
Index?
The TSX, the DOW, the FTSE, the NIKKEI?
Boss, I’m paying you the big bucks to find out stuff like that.
* * *
+
Well, I can’t wear them.
She’s making me return them. Mom says you’ve got to stop with the gifts.
She actually said that?
I’m paraphrasing. She says you’re trying to buy me. A guilty consc
ience needs no accuser. Exact words.
She thinks I’m guilty? You can’t take these women— I don’t mean to sound like der Frauenfeind. A misanth— missyg— like a mis—
Don’t hurt yourself on the English.
You listen to rap. You know exactly.
Unfair. That’s the divorce talking.
Take my word. They just want your balls in a nutcracker.
Personally, I think Mom could do better.
Than?
In general.
But you were implying that she could do better than me?
Do better? It’s not like you’re together.
We’re not.
She’s done okay without you.
* * *
+
I don’t want to talk about the divorce.
Question for you, Boss.
Does it concern the divorce?
I asked Mom but you know how she is.
I hope I’m clear when I say that I’m done talking about the divorce.
Let’s say there was a high-profile divorce case where it was discovered that the man had a child—let’s say he had a son, but not with his wife. That would be, like, evidence of infidelity or, like, a history of poor conduct with respect to women.
There’s no question in there.
I guess.
Little Blackmailer.
Moi? I guess my question is, Would a lawyer find that interesting? If this dude was negotiating a bunch of rape settlement cases against him and stuff. Just a question. I wouldn’t do that to you. Although I could, I guess, right?
Is your mother seeing a lawyer?
Silence is golden.
* * *
+
You know when we started talking, you never used to say Mom, Mom, Mom all the time.
Sounds cold, but she pays the rent, Boss.
Which you steal back.
See, now that’s cold.
What’s happening to you? Now all you say is, Mom, Mom.