Sinner Takes All: A Memoir of Love & Porn

by Tera Patrick; Carrie Borzillo

  EVAN: When I first met Tera, I didn't know she was dating Erik. She didn't tell me anything about her dating life. She kept it kind of vague. When I came back to the loft that day, she was clearly upset and had been crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "I don't want to tell you. You'll get mad." At that point in our relationship, there was nothing she could tell me that would get me mad. I was in love with this girl. She said, "Well, I was dating someone before you and he won't stop calling." OK, no big deal, I thought. "And um, you know him," she said. Oh, great. It's always sticky if your girl dated someone you know, but it's nothing you can't get over if you want to get over it.

  "Just tell me, it's OK," I said calmly.

  "It's Erik, er, Everlast," she said. I could tell she was scared to say his name.

  TERA: I was scared. I was already in love with Evan and I was really afraid that Evan would break up with me. I thought this was the make-or-break moment for our relationship. He was either going to leave me and say, "Fuck you and all your drama" or he was going to man up and support me and say, "No worries. We can handle this together. I'll take care of it."

  I wasn't playing one off the other, either. I honestly didn't think Erik would care if I was dating someone else. He never cared while we were together, why would he care now? I told Evan, "Listen, you are the one I want to be with. I've been over him for a while now. I don't want to be with him." And Evan trusted me.

  This was the first time I turned to him to help me handle my shit. And when he did, I realized what a strong man I had in Evan. He made me feel safe, and I needed that.

  EVAN: I just thought, OK, well, I've known him for a decade. My band Biohazard and his band House of Pain toured together in 1994 and we were all friends. Erik and I weren't boys, though. He was just a little less friendly than his band mates, but I didn't have any animosity toward him. Even though this would be awkward, I knew what I had to do. I had to give him a call and straighten this out.

  It was a Sunday afternoon and I called him up. Erik put on his hip-hop voice and said, "Who dis?"

  "It's Evan."

  He got quiet.

  "Why you calling my house on a Sunday?"

  "You know why. It just came to my attention you're blowing up my girl's phone. Thirty messages from you? She ain't seeing you no more, she's with me."

  This was awkward for me, too. I'm not the kind of guy who wants to step on another guy's territory, but this wasn't that situation. I knew Tera was telling me the truth when she said they hadn't been seeing each other.

  "This is my girl and I love her. Don't call her anymore," I told him.

  I remember him saying something like, "I ain't sweating her. I don't give a fuck about her. She's just some porno bitch," he said, sounding like a hurt guy. He was so negative. Then he said, "Y'all two are mad corny."

  "'Corny'? What do you mean 'corny'? What the hell?"

  "Ya'll just corny, both of you. If I see y'all at the club, you all should bounce."

  "Dude, I haven't seen you in a club in ten years. Just stop calling."

  (That was the last she heard from Erik, until five years later in 2008 when Tera cohosted a party at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas for a tattoo parlor opening and she had to introduce both Everlast and my new band the Spyderz. We never saw him, talked to him, or heard from his camp that night, though.)

  TERA: As I said Everlast's name on the mike that night in 2008, all I could think about was, "You said no one would want to marry a porn star? Evan was man enough to." I felt good. I won out in the end.

  While Evan and I didn't fight over Erik or my past, we did fight about his past. I had the green-eyed monster in me when I first met Evan. I think I was so insanely jealous because I was so afraid of losing this amazing man. I couldn't believe this fairy-tale romance was real. I was very skeptical of it and had a hard time accepting the love he was trying to give me.

  Our very first fight happened shortly after we met, when I was visiting him in Brooklyn. He was on the phone with his ex-girlfriend and I overheard him say to her, "Listen, I'm in love. I'm with Tera now. You're gorgeous. You'll find someone else." Apparently, his ex-girlfriend wanted Evan back and Evan was turning her down gently. In my warped mind, instead of being happy at hearing him say he's happy now and not to call him, I latched on to the "you're gorgeous" part of that call and flipped out on him. I turned around and spat venom at Evan: "Who is gorgeous? Who are you talking to?"

  "Uh, it's my ex. I'm telling her I'm with you," he said.

  "Why are you talking to your ex in front of me?" I screamed. I completely overreacted and freaked out on him. "How dare you tell her she's gorgeous? You are never to talk to your ex again." I was irrational and I just went off.

  He was like, "OK, you're right. I'll never speak to her again."

  Looking back on it now, I can't believe how crazy jealous and insecure I would get on him and how he always handled it the same way: with compassion, understanding, and respect. Evan had the patience of a saint with me. Any other man would've left my insecure bullshit and me. But Evan called me on that bullshit and gave me what I needed in a relationship: love, support, and, at the time, constant reassurance. He handled me like a pro. He always made me feel better and made me trust him and he never did cheat on me or do anything wrong. But it took a while before I could believe it was true. It took me a while to really trust that I found the one thing I was searching for my whole life: a man to treat me well and whom I could love until death do us part.

  CHAPTER 16

  The Happiest Girl in the World

  Ireally did know that Evan would be my husband on that first night together. I never believed in that until it happened to me. With Evan, I just knew it. My previous two engagements to Clayton and Roland didn't even count. I was young and naive then, and even though I accepted their proposals, deep down I never felt that either of them was the one. Besides, there was always a side of me that wanted to wait until I was older to get married because I had seen what getting married too young did to my parents.

  Evan and I were inseparable during the first few months of our relationship. It was a passionate, crazy, emotional, sex-crazed time. I wanted to spend more time with Evan and less time working, but Digital Playground was making it hard for me. I'd be preparing to fly to New York to see Evan, and my manager, Sam, would all of a sudden have a job for me that weekend. It felt like she was trying to keep us apart. But there were certain jobs I just had to do, such as appearing at the Venus adult film expo in Berlin, Germany, in October 2002. I was booked in Germany for two full weeks, and I didn't want to be apart from Evan for that long, but Sam made me go.

  I was busy every day at Venus signing autographs, meeting distributors, and schmoozing. And I was calling Evan constantly. I missed him so much and I was going through my jealousy phase, which was making me insecure about being apart. Instead of going to any of the Venus parties or events, I would stay in my hotel room, talking to Evan for hours. We were still in the honeymoon period of our relationship, as it had only been a month since our first date and we were head-over-heels in love.

  Evan called me constantly too. We both just missed each other a lot and loved to hear the sound of the other's voice. One day on this trip, I called Evan and he wasn't there. No worries. He usually calls back immediately. I figured maybe he was just in the bathroom or the shower or something. But then an hour went by and still no Evan. Two hours went by and I began to think the worst: He's with another girl! I was getting furious, and each message to him got more frantic. I started out all sweet and loving, "Hi, Evan, it's me. I miss you. Call me." And by the time I left my fifth message it was, "Where the fuck are you? What the fuck are you doing? You better not be with another girl! You fucking asshole!"

  Twenty-four hours later, I called his cell again and his friend Robey picked up. I said, "Where the fuck is Evan? What the fuck is going on?" He told me Evan was in the hospital. Evan and his friend Tyson Beckford, the model, were taking the air conditioner out
of his Brooklyn loft because I had complained it was too drafty in there and Tyson dropped it on Evan's foot and broke his toe.

  I felt like a fool. Here's this man doing something sweet for me to make my visits to Brooklyn more comfortable, and I'm thinking he's out gallivanting with some chick. I felt horrible and told myself that I had to stop being so crazy and just trust this man. That made me miss Evan even more.

  I missed him so much that I slept with my phone so I wouldn't miss his call. But one morning I woke up and my phone wasn't in my bed. I panicked. Sam told me that I must have dropped my phone somewhere and not to worry; we'd report it stolen and get a new one.

  Later that day, Sam left her purse in the back of the cab and a phone fell out (but we didn't know it at the time). Next thing I know, I'm borrowing Sam's phone to call Evan and before I can dial, the phone rings. I wouldn't normally answer someone else's phone but it was in my hand, so I picked up. I didn't notice that when the call came in, it said TERA CELL on the screen, but it must have because it was the cab company calling to say they found a phone and dialed the last number called to try to find the owner. I asked what number it was, and they read me my number. I was shocked. Sam had apparently taken my phone and hid it in her purse. I told them I'd be right there to pick it up and then I called Evan and said, "I want to come home right now."

  I had my suspicions about Digital and Sam, but that incident made it clear to me that it was time to leave. I called her out on the phone situation and she admitted that she had taken it. She said, "Well, I saw how much you were talking to Evan and I thought it was really unhealthy, so I was just trying to protect you." She had a great way of manipulating me. I told Sam, "You need to let me live my life. I really love this guy. He's not a bad guy. He's really good to me. Why can't you be happy for me?"

  I was furious and couldn't wait to get home. But when I called Evan, he had something else in mind. "Don't go home to California. Come to Miami with me," he said. "I want to take you on a nice vacation. You need to get away."

  He met me at the airport on crutches from his broken toe. My heart melted at the sight of him. I didn't care where we were going or what we were going to do. All I wanted was to be together. But he had more in store. He went all out and booked a king suite with an ocean view at one of Miami Beach's most upscale and elite resorts: the Art Deco Delano Hotel. It was one of the most beautiful hotels I had ever seen. It looked like a scene from an Old Hollywood movie starring some blond starlet like Veronica Lake in a white silk robe, walking around in marabou and satin slippers with a kitten heel, and smoking out of one of those fancy long cigarette holders. The suite was elegant in all white with sheer curtains that hung from ceiling to floor and a huge king bed with big fluffy white down covers and inviting pillows. Even the floor tiles were white. It was so pristine that I didn't want to touch anything. It was simply stunning. And Evan had the room set up with all of my favorites--fresh strawberries, champagne, and rose petals. I was floored.

  Of course, we couldn't wait to tear each other's clothes off, so we had sex immediately. In the middle of our romp, there was a knock on the door. I ignored it, but Evan stopped fucking me and jumped up. Evan usually doesn't stop for anything. The house could be burning down and he'd keep on going.

  "Don't you get that," I said.

  "I have to!" He seemed anxious and started to head for the door. I didn't want him to leave so I grabbed his arm and pulled him toward me. I'm a lot stronger than you'd think. He broke free so I lunged for his leg. As he made his way toward the door, there I was clinging comically to his leg and stopping him from getting very far. There's another knock on the door. Evan finally broke free and with nothing on but a towel covering his still-erect penis, he opens the door to find a bellboy with a FedEx package. He ripped open the envelope, and I could see there was a ring box inside. Before he could say anything, I knew what was about to happen. I knew this was the moment in my life that I would never forget. I was about to become the happiest girl in the world.

  He took the ring out, got down on one knee, slipped the ring on my finger, and said, "Linda, will you marry me?"

  "Yes! Of course!" I said. I had been waiting for this moment my whole life. It was the perfect proposal: simple and surprising. I couldn't believe it was happening to me. I had spent so many years crying myself to sleep, praying for a man like Evan to spend my life with, and here was the moment. I couldn't have been any happier. We went out to dinner that night to celebrate with friends.

  The next day, we drove to Evan's parents' house in Boynton Beach, Florida. It was so nice to be with a man who was proud to introduce me to his family. They were completely blown away that we got engaged so fast. It had only been two months since we met in person for the first time and five months since we started our phone courtship. They were supportive, but understandably surprised. We started talking about wedding plans immediately. Knowing neither of us had a lot of money at the time, Evan's mother, Lois, said, "Oh, I have a great idea. To save money, you can wear Elena's wedding dress."

  She did not just say that! Elena? Really? Elena?!

  Elena was Evan's ex-wife and mother of his son, Sammy. My eyes welled up when Lois said that, and poor Evan was beyond mortified. ("She was just being a cheap Jew," Evan said to me about it later.) Later in the evening, Lois whispered to Evan, "I'm not going to get attached." I didn't take it personally. Evan didn't exactly have a good track record with women. His dad, Ira, used to call the constant turnover of girls in his life "The Girlfriend of the Month Club." But I was different. I was here to stay, and I knew he wasn't going anywhere. His mother would eventually learn this too. It was just a matter of time.

  (Evan had already met my dad, under inauspicious circumstances. Shortly after we met, Evan was visiting me at my condo in Sherman Oaks. We had just finished having sex . . . that's all we did back then, have sex and order food from Pink Dot, a famous delivery service in the L.A. area that delivers you anything, anytime, in this weird little blue-and-pink polka-dot car.

  Evan heard a key enter the lock at my front door. He bolted out of bed, stark naked, and asked me, "Where's your bat?"

  "Bat? What bat?"

  In Brooklyn, Evan kept a bat by his bed. I didn't have one, so he grabbed the most lethal-looking item he could find in my apartment: a large, heavy stone ashtray.

  "Who's there?" he asked.

  "It's David. I'm coming in," a man said.

  "I don't know no David," Evan snapped.

  "I have the keys. I'm coming in," he replied.

  As the door started to open, Evan held the ashtray cocked overhead in one hand and swung open the door with the other, which made the man literally fall into the condo. He grabbed the long-haired, hippie-looking man by the neck and hung him over the balcony railing and said, "You better start talking."

  By this time I'd emerged from the bedroom to find Evan holding my father over the railing.

  Evan turned beet red. He immediately let go of him, apologized profusely, and we all had a good laugh about it. My dad had come to the condo that night to get his car keys because he'd left his car in my garage when he went on a trip to Hawaii. He didn't want to wake us by calling, so he used the set of keys I had given him. Not exactly the best way for Evan to meet the father of his future bride.)

  I was the happiest I'd been in a long time, but at the same time I felt really sad that I didn't have anyone to share my news with and those I did tell were skeptical because we were moving so fast. I'd call up "friends" with the big news, and the reaction would typically go like this: "Come again? You're engaged? Tera, you just met this guy. That is crazy."

  It might have seemed crazy, but sometimes crazy pans out. Why is it so hard to believe that you can meet someone and fall in love instantly? When you know, you know.

  Nobody believed in us in the beginning, but that only made our bond even stronger. It felt like Evan and me against the world, and I liked that. What people don't realize about Evan is that he may come off toug
h and in charge, but if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have found my true independence and strength. He helped empower me to take control of my life and of my career and helped me become a better woman in the process. He got me through the toughest times in my life. He wasn't the one marrying me because I was a porn star. I was the one marrying him because he was a rock star, and I always wanted to marry a rock star. I just got lucky that my rock star was also my rock in life. The one solid thing I could always count on for all of my needs.

  CHAPTER 17

  The Storm Before the Calm

  In November of 2002, I called my manager, Sam, and told her that I was no longer going to be with Digital Playground. I liked the break I had taken, and now I was in love and getting married and I thought this was my chance at having a normal life. I didn't want to work for Digital anymore. I didn't want to be in the porn industry. I just wanted to be in love and play house with my new man. Of course, I was under contract so it wasn't going to be that easy to get away. She told me I was making a big mistake and not to trust Evan, that he was a rock star who would just cheat on me.

  Despite what had happened in Germany, I was actually surprised at Sam's reaction when I told her I wanted out. Digital Playground wasn't just my manager and production company, it had been like my family, especially Sam. I honestly thought she'd be happy for me that I met a great guy and fell in love and that she would want for me what I wanted for myself. That is what a friend does. That is what your closest confidante does. That is what your "mother figure" does. That is what I expected Sam to do. I expected her to support me. But instead she supported Digital.