‘If I could walk away, Amber, I would. Believe me.’
‘That’s bullshit, Jim. Of course you can walk away.’
‘Can you?’ He reached out and touched her face, stroking her cheek with his fingertips, so lightly it made Amber catch her breath, his green eyes staring deep into her soul, or that’s what it felt like. ‘Why do you think I’ve never managed to hold down a real, solid relationship for all these years, Amber? I’m forty-eight-years-old and I’ve never been married, never even been engaged, never let anyone get that close to me, so, why is that, huh?’
‘Because nobody can trust you, Jim. You take people’s feelings, scrunch them up into a tiny ball and then you throw them aside as though they never mattered to you in the first place.’
‘Is that what you really think?’
‘You’ve never given me any cause to think otherwise.’
She could feel her heart pounding as his fingers slid down over her neck, her shoulder, running lightly over her arm until his hand slipped into hers. He was holding her hand, and it felt just like it had done all those years ago – it felt magical, almost. They’d shared this big secret, the two of them, and it was a secret that seemed destined to continue. Despite everything Amber had promised herself.
‘I would have done anything for you, Jim,’ she whispered, staring up into his eyes. ‘Anything. But the one thing I didn’t do is the one thing I should have done – I should have told people what happened between us because, if I had, then this wouldn’t be happening now. You wouldn’t have had the chance to come near me again, my dad would’ve seen to that.’
‘So, why didn’t you?’ Jim asked, watching as Amber slipped her hand out of his, walking away from him.
‘I was scared.’ She swung back round to face him. ‘I slept with you when I was just sixteen, Jim. I’d been sixteen-years-old for just a few days when I let that happen because I wanted you so much, and to know that you wanted me, too – you have no idea how that made me feel. But if my dad ever found out… How do you think he’d react, huh? Even after all this time, do you really think he’d just shrug it off because it happened all those years ago? If it was your daughter…?’
Jim ran a hand through his hair, walking over to her as she leaned back against his desk. ‘He’d hate me. Of course he would. But nobody needs to know what happened back then. Nobody got hurt…’
‘Nobody got hurt?’ Amber gasped. ‘I got hurt, Jim. Me. You hurt me.’
‘I know, baby,’ he whispered, stroking her cheek with the back of his hand. ‘I know. And I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry. But all that matters is what’s happening now. You and me. We could be so good together.’
Amber shook her head, but her heart was screaming for him to touch her again, to kiss her mouth the way he’d always used to, to hold her in his arms and make love to her, because she knew it would feel as if he’d never been away. She knew that. And that’s what frightened her the most, but it was something she’d wanted more than anything – from the very second she’d laid eyes on him again.
‘We can’t be together, Jim.’ But what she was saying and what she was feeling were two completely different things, and it was taking more effort than Amber had ever imagined to stay strong. ‘We can’t. And this… this isn’t fair, this is so unfair…’
His mouth was on hers before she’d had a chance to draw breath, his tongue touching hers, his arm circling her waist, pulling her against him. And that kiss, just the feel of his mouth moving against hers, it was as if it had wiped every ounce of that hard-fought-for strength clean away, leaving Amber that sixteen-year-old girl once more – powerless to do anything because she loved him. So much. She always had done. Was that the real reason why she’d never really wanted another serious relationship? Because, in the back of her mind, she’d always been waiting for him to come back to her?
Lost in the moment now, too far down that road to turn back and forget this was happening, Amber closed her eyes and threw her head back as his mouth brushed the base of her neck, his fingers sliding up under her top, cool against her naked skin but all that did was send a shiver running through her that heightened everything she was already feeling. She was under his spell once more.
Pulling her top up over her head she leaned right back, closing her eyes again as she remembered the very first time he’d touched her this way; how she’d felt just a little bit scared, but with an excitement inside that had been almost unbearable. She’d been worried it would hurt, worried the pain would detract from what she’d so wanted to be a fairytale experience, and whilst it hadn’t been quite that, he’d made love to her so carefully, so gently that she’d cried, because she’d had such a crush on Jim Allen. Such a huge, heartbreaking crush, and to feel him actually making love to her had been the biggest dream come true.
She bit down on her lip as his fingers gently stroked her breasts, his quiet groans turning her on to the point where she didn’t think she could take anymore. She didn’t even care that his office had no lock, that anyone could walk in at any second, it didn’t matter. She didn’t care. She’d waited so long to feel this way again, waited so long to have him touch her naked skin, waited so long to feel him this close but the pain it was actually causing now that he was here was indescribable. Because this shouldn’t be happening.
‘Jesus, Amber, baby. You grew up good…’ Jim groaned, lifting her up onto his desk. She kicked off her shoes, allowing him to slide her jeans down over her thighs, throwing them aside before doing the same with her underwear until she was naked and exposed, but it felt almost exhilarating. Freeing himself with a speed that was almost record-breaking, he pushed her legs apart, taking just a second to look at her, just a second before he’d taken his place back where Amber had let very few men go since.
She closed her eyes again, leaning back and wrapping her legs around him as she felt him push inside her, and it was a feeling she’d never forgotten. A feeling she’d missed like the most addictive drug there ever was, and not even Ryan Fisher could give her the fix she really needed. Even the most beautiful man in football couldn’t compare to this man here with her now.
‘Don’t think about him,’ Jim whispered, his mouth resting on hers. ‘Don’t do that. Don’t. You’re with me, baby. You’re with me now.’
‘Jim…’
‘Sshh, it’s okay. It’s okay.’
She should be feeling guilty, but then, why should she? Her and Ryan, they may be a couple, but as far as a committed relationship went they were so far away from that. It wasn’t something Amber thought either of them were ready for, and the fact she was here, with Jim, went a long way to proving that point even further. For all she knew Ryan had been with other women when she wasn’t around – they’d never laid down ground rules or issued conditions. It wasn’t that kind of relationship, so she couldn’t let guilt get in the way.
Sliding her hand round the back of his neck she pulled Jim closer, desperate to feel his mouth on hers again, his lips soft and welcoming as they kissed her slow and deep. Kisses that sent her head spinning and her stomach cartwheeling; kisses that spelt trouble, but what was she supposed to do? She could feel him inside her, deep inside her, and every memory, every beautiful, painful memory of the past came crashing over her like a tidal wave of emotion that was hard to control. But he was holding her so tight, saying all the right things, making her feel everything she’d ever wanted to feel, and as she felt the white-hot climax begin its climb, nothing else seemed to matter. Not Ryan, not the fact that she was getting into something she really shouldn’t be going anywhere near; none of it mattered. All that mattered was that Jim was with her; he was back. But for how long?
That question flashed briefly through her mind as she felt his body jerk inside her, his muffled cries signalling the end of the ride for him and Amber kept her eyes closed as she felt that hot rush filling her up, spreading through her like a blanket of beautiful pins and needles, every tingle reaching every last, tiny part of her. It was the
most incredible feeling. Even more incredible because he’d never forgotten – he’d never forgotten that, sometimes, he needed to help her reach that endgame, too, and as he slowly withdrew he gently touched her with his fingers, their eyes locked together as his hand moved slowly back and forth until Amber reached that same white-hot climax, burying her face in his shoulder as she shuddered in his arms, her skin tingling once again. It was as if every time he touched her it sent a tiny electric shock coursing right through her; that’s how it had been then, and it was exactly how it was now.
‘That’s why we need to be together,’ Jim whispered, lifting her down from the desk and pulling her against him. ‘It feels right, Amber. You and me.’
She looked at him, right into those almost-mesmerising eyes of his, suddenly feeling extremely vulnerable. ‘I promised myself I would never let you go there again,’ she said, pulling away from him and retrieving her discarded clothes, quickly pulling them back on. ‘I promised myself…’
Jim gently grabbed her wrist, giving her no choice but to look at him. ‘That was meant to happen, Amber.’
She shook her head, reality hitting her like a speeding truck. It was as if someone had just flicked that switch again and suddenly she could see everything so much clearer. ‘No. It wasn’t. It happened because I was weak.’
‘It happened because you wanted it to. Don’t you believe in fate, honey?’
‘I don’t know what I believe anymore,’ Amber whispered, clarity slowly taking over. Okay, so she’d let that happen, but it was out of her system now. She’d given him what he wanted, and yeah, maybe she had wanted it, too, but that had to be the end. She wasn’t prepared to put herself through the pain and the hurt that Jim Allen could bring to her door. She couldn’t do that, not again. She couldn’t. Maybe she was always going to love him – he’d been such a huge part of her life from such a young age, she couldn’t just brush that aside – but being with him was another matter.
‘I love you, Amber. I’ve always loved you…’
‘Yeah. So you keep saying.’ Amber ran her hands through her hair, all the strength she’d temporarily lost flooding back as those protective barriers crept back up around her.
‘You’re just gonna leave?’ Jim asked, his face a mask of genuine confusion. ‘You’re walking out on me? After what we’ve just done?’
Amber turned round to face him as she stopped by the door, her fingers already gripping the handle, a determination she’d never felt before taking over. ‘It’s not a nice feeling, is it, Jim?’
*
‘Where the hell have you been?’ Ronnie asked as Amber finally took her seat in the executive box Freddie Sullivan commandeered every season at Tynebridge. His own club had a match that afternoon, though, so he wasn’t around, of which Amber was glad. Facing her father after what had just happened wouldn’t have been something she was keen to do.
‘Nowhere,’ Amber replied, staring straight ahead. The match had just started and she scanned the pitch, looking for Ryan’s number 9 shirt.
‘Nowhere,’ Ronnie repeated.
Amber looked at him. ‘Yeah. Nowhere.’
‘You sure about that?’
She turned to look at him, frowning. ‘Is there something wrong, Ronnie?’
‘You and Jim Allen. What’s the story?’
She quickly looked away, but Ronnie wasn’t giving up.
‘No, come on, Amber. You’re gonna talk to me.’
‘About what?’ Amber asked, standing up and walking over to the window of the large executive box. She didn’t really like watching games from behind glass. She much preferred to be out there, amongst the crowd, watching football the way it should be watched.
‘About you and Jim Allen. When you ran out of the Players Lounge before, you seemed a bit – I dunno – upset.’
‘I wasn’t upset,’ Amber said, shoving her hands in her pockets as she contemplated walking out onto the private balcony attached to the box. At least that way she might feel a bit of the atmosphere outside, because the one inside was starting to get a bit claustrophobic.
‘Flustered, then.’
‘I wasn’t…’
‘I followed you outside, Amber. I wanted to make sure you were okay. But he got to you first.’
Amber turned away again, desperate to catch a glimpse of Ryan, anything to make her absolutely sure that she’d done the right thing in walking away from Jim. Before he walked away from her. Again.
‘He’s an old family friend, Ronnie. You know that. He just wanted to catch up with me, that’s all.’
Ronnie’s eyes narrowed as he looked at her, even though she was still staring out of the window, quite obviously avoiding his gaze. Didn’t she realise how guilty that made her seem? Of what, Ronnie had yet to find out.
‘So close to kick-off? You’re telling me he wanted a catch-up chat at twenty-five-past-two on a match day? I’m not buying that, Amber. I saw him. He was touching you, he was looking into your eyes and he was touching your cheek, and believe me, sweetheart, the way he was looking at you, that wasn’t the way I’d ever greet a family friend. You didn’t find that weird then, huh?’
Amber stared at him. ‘Not here, okay?’ She walked out of the box, closely followed by Ronnie, not stopping until they were outside the stadium. She needed the fresh air because she suddenly felt quite sick. ‘This really isn’t the time or the place, Ronnie.’
‘Is there something going on between you two?’
Amber looked down at the ground, scuffing the heel of her shoe against the wall behind her. She didn’t really have much choice left but to tell him. He kind of had her backed into a corner and she couldn’t think of anything off the top of her head that would placate him, apart from the truth. ‘We had – Christ, I don’t even know how to put this – we had a, relationship, I suppose. If you could call it that…’
‘When? Recently?’
She shook her head, still looking down at the ground, aware of the stadium inside erupting. It sounded like Red Star had scored an early goal. ‘It was a long time ago. When he was a player, here, at Newcastle Red Star.’
Ronnie frowned again. ‘Before you and me met, I take it?’
‘Way before. It was a long time ago, Ronnie.’ She shrugged. ‘Y’know, these things happen, we move on.’
Ronnie leaned back against the wall beside her, shoving his hands in his pockets as they both stared straight ahead. ‘I’m not getting this, Amber. Why did you never tell me?’
Amber shrugged again. ‘It’s not something I like talking about.’
‘And is there a reason for that?’
‘I was in love with him, Ronnie. I’ve been in love with him since I was fifteen-years-old…’
Ronnie looked at her. ‘Fifteen? Jesus, Amber, how long has this been going on?’
‘Twenty-two years,’ Amber whispered, still staring straight ahead. ‘It’s been going on for almost twenty-two years.’
‘Hang on…’ Ronnie moved so he was standing right in front of her, giving her no choice but to look at him. ‘Are you telling me that you and Jim Allen… You were fifteen-years-old?’
‘My dad had wanted him at Red Star for so long,’ Amber said, trying to avoid Ronnie’s eyes, but failing. ‘He pushed for the club to sign him, but you probably know that.’
Ronnie nodded. ‘Yeah. Yeah, I remember all the stories about him moving to Red Star. But…’
‘They hit it off straightaway, y’know? Him and my dad. Jim looked up to Freddie. He’d always admired him as a player, apparently, and even though my dad was at the end of his playing career, they still became really close. That’s why he was round our house so often. My dad had wanted him to settle in to North East life quickly so he could concentrate on his football…’
‘Amber…’
‘The second my dad brought him through our front door, that was it. I can still remember the day. I was sitting on the sofa, watching something on TV; I don’t know what, exactly… I was making a list of peo
ple I wanted to invite to my sixteenth birthday party – my dad had arranged for me to have it at the club, the old ground, as it was then. Tynebridge didn’t exist back in those days…’
‘Amber, I know all of that…’
‘I remember looking up when my dad walked into the living room; Jim was close behind him, and… my heart just stopped, Ronnie. It literally stopped. I know it did…’
‘But surely that was just some silly teenage crush? You were just a kid.’
‘I was old enough.’
Her eyes met his and Ronnie stared at her, frowning again. ‘Old enough for what, Amber?’
She looked back down at the ground, twisting the ring she wore on her right hand round and round her finger. ‘He came to the party. A few of the Red Star players did, I mean, it was my dad’s club at the time, wasn’t it? Of course a few of them would be there. I think that was half the reason I had so many guests, when word got round the whole school who was going to be there…’ She trailed off for a second, still staring down at the ground. ‘Jim he… he paid me so much attention. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world, having this gorgeous footballer smiling at me and talking to me and… He wanted me, too, Ronnie. I could see it, I could feel it…’
‘Jesus Christ, Amber.’ Ronnie ran a hand through his hair, turning away for a second. ‘You were just a kid. Please tell me nothing happened.’
‘Not that night it didn’t.’ Amber’s voice was quiet, her attention distracted slightly as the crowd inside the stadium erupted again, signalling another Red Star goal. Was Ryan out there playing the game of his life, thinking she was watching him, when she’d missed it all because of her ridiculous attempts at trying to get Jim Allen out of her system? ‘I went to his apartment a week or so later…’
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