Striker (Book 1 in the 'Striker' Trilogy)

by Michelle Betham

  ‘You’d be crazy to let him know you feel that way, Amber. I mean that, kiddo. You let Ryan know how you really feel and he’ll have you right where he wants you, because don’t think for one minute that he’ll ever love you back.’

  ‘How do you know that, Ronnie? How can you say that when you’ve spent no time with him? No real time. Not like I have.’

  ‘What, you mean, like the five minutes he’s spent with you lately in between all the nights out and the afternoon disappearing acts?’

  ‘You can be such a bastard when you want to be.’

  ‘Oh, so caring about you is me being a bastard, is it?’

  ‘You know what I mean.’

  ‘No, I’m not altogether sure I do, actually.’

  ‘I’m going home.’

  ‘Amber… wait, come on…’

  ‘I’m going home, Ronnie. I’m tired, and I need to talk to Ryan. Anyway, you’ll be late for your date with Anna if you don’t leave now. And I like Anna, she’s lovely. You need someone like her.’ Anna was Ronnie’s new girlfriend – she was one of the P.A.’s who worked over at Red Star’s training ground and they’d met at the charity function at Tynebridge a couple of months ago.

  ‘Amber, sweetheart, believe me, this is only because I care about you. Everything I’m doing, everything I say…’

  She looked at Ronnie, forcing a smile as she reached out to take his hand, squeezing it gently. ‘I know, Ronnie. And I’m really grateful to you for listening to me go on and on about all of this. I’d go crazy if I didn’t have you to talk to. But I need to talk to Ryan now, do you understand? To work out just what the hell happens next.’

  ‘Just, be careful, okay?’

  She nodded, letting go of his hand. ‘Yeah. Okay. See you later, Ronnie. Oh, and say hello to Anna for me.’

  She’d just stepped outside when she felt a hand on her arm and she turned to see who it was that was stopping her from heading home. Even though she already knew who it was. It was obvious.

  ‘I’m really not in the mood, Jim.’

  ‘I just need to talk to you, Amber.’

  ‘Now isn’t a great time, believe me.’

  ‘Is something wrong?’

  She looked into his eyes – those beautiful green eyes that could tell you one thing whilst lying so easily. ‘No. Nothing’s wrong. It’s just been a long day and I want to go home. So, if you don’t mind…’

  ‘It looked like you were having a pretty heated conversation with Ronnie White in there.’

  ‘Jim, what are you doing here? You haven’t drunk in this pub since you were a player at Red Star so why the sudden revisit? Are you on some kind of nostalgia trip?’

  ‘I wanted to see you. Kevin said you’d gone here for a quick drink with Ronnie after the show, so…’

  ‘You thought you’d continue to stalk me?’

  ‘That’s not what I’m doing, Amber. But you won’t give me the chance to talk to you, to let you know how I really feel, how much I’ve changed…’

  ‘You don’t change, Jim. None of you do.’

  Jim frowned, letting go of Amber’s arm. ‘Has something happened between you and Ryan?’

  Amber quickly changed her expression. The last thing she wanted was Jim knowing anything about the trouble Ryan might be getting himself into. Although, as his manager, didn’t he have every right to know just what his star striker might be getting up to? ‘Ryan and I are fine. We’re just fine.’

  ‘You sure about that? Because, you don’t look happy, Amber. You really don’t look happy.’

  ‘It’s none of your business, Jim.’

  ‘Are you hungry?’

  She looked at him, a feeling of complete numbness taking over. And, yes, she was hungry, as it happened. She hadn’t actually eaten anything all day, except for a quickly consumed cereal bar at around eleven-thirty.

  ‘I know a great little restaurant round the corner from here,’ Jim smiled. ‘All I’m asking is that you listen to me, Amber. That’s all.’

  Amber felt her shoulders sag, and although it probably wasn’t the most sensible decision she’d made that day, she didn’t really have the energy to face Ryan just yet. Not really. And anyway, given what she’d just been told today, there was a good chance that he wasn’t even home so what was the point of her going back to that big empty house just to sit there over-thinking everything until he decided to roll in? Decision made. Dinner with Jim it was.

  *

  Ryan looked at his watch, the sound of the shower in the en-suite bathroom telling him his companion was now otherwise occupied, and for that he was actually grateful. The sex had been great, while it had lasted, but now it was over he had that familiar feeling of just wanting her to go so he could get his head together. Decide what he was going to do next. Go home, or try his luck back at the casino, see if that winning streak he was on was going to last all day.

  He reached for the remote control and flicked on the TV, lying back against the pillows as the screen sprang to life, his fingers hovering over the remote control for a few seconds before banging in the channel number for News North East. And maybe it wasn’t exactly wise, given what he’d spent the afternoon doing, but for some reason he really wanted to see her. For some confusing reason that he couldn’t explain he needed to see her. Amber. And there she was, large as life on the screen in front of him with that crazy red hair and that sexy smile and that body that could do things to him that nobody else could. Not even Little-Miss-Brunette in the bathroom. She was years younger than Amber yet she didn’t even come close to her in any way.

  He watched as Amber read out the sports news, introduced her interviews with some Wearside Spartans players, even talked about Newcastle Red Star, and his stomach turned briefly when she mentioned his name.

  ‘What the fuck are you doing?’ he whispered under his breath, as though asking himself that question would mean he came up with a suitable answer. He knew exactly why he was doing what he was doing, and he knew the reason why it would never stop. Until he really wanted it to, and he wasn’t sure that he did, just yet.

  He heard the shower stop and quickly flicked off the TV as Little-Miss-Brunette came sauntering out of the en-suite, naked and damp and everything Ryan needed right now. No, he wasn’t ready yet. He wasn’t ready for what he really wanted, but who cared about that when he had the perfect diversion right here to take his mind off it all?

  *

  ‘All those years, Amber. All those years and I never stopped thinking about you. Even when I… even when I was…’ He looked into her eyes but she quickly looked away, staring down at the table instead. ‘It was always you, Amber. And I was just this crazy, stupid guy who should never have done what I did…’

  ‘You got so many things right there, Jim. You should never have touched me in the first place, never encouraged me…’

  ‘You could have pushed me away.’

  She looked up sharply. ‘I was sixteen-years-old, Jim. I was a star-struck teenager who’d had her head turned by this handsome footballer, what did you expect me to do? You were the grown-up. You were the one who should have had the willpower to leave me alone. I would’ve gotten over it; I would’ve put it down as nothing but some silly teenage crush if you’d just ignored me. If you’d just ignored what you were feeling, too. But you made sure I could never do that.’

  ‘I fell in love with you, Amber.’

  ‘Well, you had a funny way of showing it.’

  He looked up at the ceiling for a second, breathing in deep before exhaling slowly. ‘I’m still in love with you now, baby.’ His eyes met hers again. ‘It’s always been you, don’t you see that? Okay, maybe the way I went about things wasn’t the best…’

  Amber couldn’t help but let out a tiny snort of derision.

  ‘But I opened those floodgates, Amber. And I’ve never been able to close them.’

  ‘Then that’s something you’re just going to have to live with, isn’t it?’

  He reached out for her
hand but she pulled it away. ‘I’m not trying to upset you; I’m not trying to interfere with your life, not anymore. It’s wrong of me to do that and I’m sorry if my being here is hard for you but, I need you to know that… that you’ve been such a huge part of my life for so long and I… I can’t push that aside. I came back here for you, yes, I’ll admit that. But, if I can’t have you then I guess I’m just going to have to accept that.’

  ‘Yes. You are.’ She clasped her hands together, searching his face so she could see for herself that he was telling the truth. If he was capable of that, because she couldn’t be sure. Not after everything that had happened.

  ‘I’m being honest here, Amber.’

  ‘You know that I never really stopped loving you either, don’t you? And it is so hard for me to admit that. So hard.’

  He looked at her, his eyes never leaving hers.

  ‘But I can’t go back there, Jim. I can’t. It hurts too much, and as much as I…’ She broke off, turning away to focus on the crumpled napkin by the side of her plate.

  ‘As much as you, what? As much as you what, Amber?’

  ‘I just… I can’t go back, Jim.’ She looked at him, and it hurt, of course it did. It hurt because she’d never wanted to have to face him again. She’d put her life back together and all of a sudden everything was in turmoil. But she couldn’t really blame Jim for everything. He hadn’t forced her into a relationship with Ryan. She’d taken that decision to go there all by herself. Although, there was no denying that Jim was probably the reason why she’d thrown herself into it so quickly. ‘I’m learning to cope with having you around again because I don’t really have a choice, but I’m moving on with my life now. I have to.’

  ‘With Ryan Fisher?’

  ‘With anybody but you.’

  It was his turn to look away for a few seconds, and Amber looked down at her hands, realising they were clutching the napkin tight and she let it go, pushing it aside. She always had been stubborn, even if it didn’t always lead her to make the best decisions in life. Is this what she was doing here? Doing something just because she thought she should? And not because she really wanted to.

  ‘Then I… I don’t want to lose you as a friend, Amber. If that’s… if that’s possible.’

  She looked back up, her eyes meeting his again. No. She was doing the right thing. ‘Promise me there’ll be no more taking things out on Ryan.’

  Jim’s eyes stayed fixed on hers, but he said nothing.

  ‘I mean it, Jim. No dropping him from the first team just because you don’t like the thought of him being with me.’

  He looked down at the table, fiddling with the cutlery, breathing out slowly. ‘Okay. That was really unprofessional of me…’

  ‘So, you admit you did that purely out of spite, then?’

  Jim looked back up, and it was all Amber could do not to reach out and take his hand, hold it tight. It was an urge so overwhelming she had to try really hard to wipe it from her mind. ‘I got a bit crazy, Amber. I guess I just needed a bit more time to get my head around the idea of you and him, that’s all.’

  ‘And, are you used to it now?’ she asked, pulling the napkin back in front of her, giving her something to hold onto.

  He smiled, his green eyes crinkling up at the edges. Yeah, he was older now. He wasn’t the young, fit footballer who’d stolen her heart then broken it into a million tiny pieces, twice over. But he was still one of the most handsome men in the world of football right now. ‘I care about you, Amber. I just want you to be happy. So… friends?’

  She returned his smile, despite the fact it was the most painful smile she’d ever had to give. ‘It won’t be easy. But, for the sake of my dad, I think we owe it to him to carry on as normal, don’t you?’ Whatever “normal” was. She wasn’t entirely sure.

  Jim nodded, although it wasn’t the answer he’d wanted to hear. He’d wanted her to say she couldn’t handle being around him if all they could have was friendship. He’d wanted her to say that she needed him back in her life the way it had used to be, but that was never going to happen. And he knew that, deep down inside. But being the eternal optimist could sometimes bring disappointment.

  ‘I’ve really got to go,’ Amber said, checking her watch again. Surely Ryan would be home by now? It was gone ten-thirty, and he had training in the morning.

  ‘You can’t stay for one more drink?’

  Amber looked at him; her first love, a man she would once – or should that be twice? – have done anything for, no matter what he’d given her in return. Had she finally grown up? Or was she just moving onto another, bigger mistake?

  She shook her head, giving him one more smile as she slid her bag up onto her shoulder. ‘Thanks, Jim.’

  He smiled back at her – that full-on, beautiful smile that had once had the power to floor her completely. And it still could, if she let it. ‘I’ll see you around, then?’

  ‘Yeah. I’ll see you around.’

  She almost ran out of the restaurant, not sure whether she was getting away from a situation she couldn’t control anymore, or running towards a situation she had yet to grasp any control over at all. All she knew was that she wanted to get home. She wanted to see Ryan, and even then she wasn’t entirely sure how she was going to feel when she did.

  The short drive home had seemed to take an eternity, even though the roads were quiet and the traffic light. But, finally sliding her key into the lock, she felt nothing but utter relief as she pushed open the front door. Relief that was short-lived as silence and darkness greeted her, letting her know in no uncertain terms that Ryan wasn’t home. Disappointment flooded through her, quickly followed by anger and the realisation that she really had been naive to think this could be anything other than what it was – a sham of a relationship that neither of them really wanted.

  She’d had enough, and without even taking off her coat she threw her bag down onto the hall floor and thundered up the stairs at what felt like a hundred miles an hour, running straight into the main bedroom. Sliding a small suitcase out from under their ridiculously huge bed she flung it open, taking a second to stop and think about what she could throw in there to tide her over until she felt calm enough to come back and pack the rest.

  She’d just about filled the case when she heard the front door open and then quickly close downstairs. Ryan’s voice called out her name from down in the hall, but she didn’t answer him. She was busy. Let him find her if he was that desperate to see her.

  ‘Amber! Hey, Amber! Are you upstairs, babe?’

  She could hear his voice getting nearer as he climbed the spiral staircase that led to the first floor. And despite her stomach turning with nerves and apprehension she stuck to her guns, closing the suitcase and zipping it shut, just as Ryan finally found her.

  ‘Going somewhere?’ he asked, standing in the doorway looking sexy-as-hell in dark jeans and jacket, his messed-up dark brown hair still giving him that edge that made him all the more attractive, in an ever-so-slightly-dangerous way. But Amber had to ignore that. Giving into that was trouble, and it was quite obvious that this relationship with Ryan was nothing but a repeat performance of everything she’d ever had with Jim. Wasn’t it about time she grew out of that crap? She really was better off alone, she had no doubt about that now.

  ‘I’m leaving,’ she replied, immediately tearing her eyes away from him as she hauled the case off the bed.

  ‘And going where, exactly?’ Ryan went on, blocking her exit from the room.

  ‘Are you going to let me past?’

  ‘Not until you start making some sense. What’s going on, Amber?’

  She felt that earlier anger come surging back with a vengeance – she just wasn’t sure whether it was an anger that was directed at Ryan for what he’d done, or directed at herself for being so bloody stupid. Again.

  ‘You lied to me, Ryan.’

  He looked genuinely confused, which only angered Amber more.

  ‘Gambling, drink
ing – a spell in rehab I had no idea about.’

  ‘To be fair, Amber, only about half a dozen people know about that.’

  ‘And are you sleeping with any of them? Jesus, Ryan, didn’t you think I deserved to know just something about what happened in your past? Or, did you think that by letting me know what you’re really like it would mean I checked up on you just that little bit more?’

  ‘For fuck’s sake, I need this, don’t I? Five minutes through the fucking door and you’re starting on me. What the hell’s the matter with you?’

  ‘Where’ve you been, Ryan?’

  He stared at her, letting out a nervous laugh. ‘Huh? Sorry, who are you, my fucking mother?’

  ‘Actually, do you know what? I don’t care. I’ve had enough. I really can’t go there again…’ Amber grabbed her suitcase, dragging it along the floor, but Ryan moved further into the doorway, blocking her exit even more. ‘Get out of the way, Ryan.’

  ‘Not until you tell me how I can leave you this morning and everything’s okay, but when I get back home you’ve turned into some kind of weird, crazed psycho. I didn’t tell you about the gambling, Amber, because it’s in the past, alright? I got into some deep shit, I sorted it out, it’s over.’

  ‘It’s over,’ Amber repeated, looking into those gorgeous, dark blue eyes of his, and wishing she hadn’t. ‘It’s over. Well, that’s alright then, isn’t it?’ That was said with a more-than-slightly-sarcastic tone. ‘Okay, so, if it’s over you can look me right in the eye and tell me you haven’t been to the casino at all since you moved back up north, can you? You can look me in the eye and tell me you haven’t snorted any coke, you haven’t got blind drunk just because you can. You can look me in the eye and tell me you haven’t slept with another woman since you’ve been with me. You can do that, can you?’

  ‘Yes, I can. Amber…’

  ‘Then you’re a fucking liar!’ she shouted, pushing past him, but only getting as far as the landing before he pulled the suitcase out of her grasp and swung her back round to face him.