PALINDROME

by Lawrence Kelter

  “He’s your son, Sam, and he’s alone in a rehab clinic in rural Pennsylvania.”

  “Stop it, Lenore. I know Scott’s my son, just as I know Joshua is also my son and Sophia is my daughter. I’ll be at Seabrook in the morning if I have to drive all night. Meanwhile the twins are ringing up $120,000 a year at Cornell, and someone has to pay for it. If you don’t want to wait for me, drive up on your own, and I’ll meet you at the hotel in the morning.”

  That was the end of the conversation. His wife simply huffed and hung up, the huff representing the scope of her enormous exasperation. Rosen replaced the phone on the cradle. At that moment, he noticed a shadow filling the doorway. What now? “Yes, can I help you?” he said in an exhausted voice.

  A man stepped in through the doorway. “Robert Gerkin.” He fumbled in his pocket and slowly withdrew his credentials. “Internal Revenue Service.”

  “Oh Christ!” Rosen said, unable to contain his outburst.”

  “Yeah,” Gerkin said, “I get that a lot. Can I sit down?”

  Rosen gestured to a chair. “Please. How can I help you, Agent Gerkin?”

  “Long day.” Gerkin said. He reached into his pocket and withdrew a bag of shelled pistachios. “Hope you don’t mind.” He popped a few in his mouth and began chewing. “I skip a lot of meals. Sometimes you just can’t wait any longer.”

  Rosen pointed at the half-eaten sandwich on his desk. “I know.”

  “Rough business yours and mine. I guess nothing’s easy these days.”

  “So, how can I help you? Am I in some kind of trouble?”

  “Oh yeah.”

  “Isn’t this unorthodox? Don’t you people usually send out a notice or something and give people a chance to explain their tax returns?”

  “Not in cases like these.”

  “Cases like what?”

  “C’mon, doctor, don’t play games. I don’t have a lot of respect for people who try to bullshit me.”

  “All right, look, whatever it is, just say it already. I’ve got work to do and—”

  “I know. You’ve got to visit your son in rehab. You see, doctor, we know a lot about you. We know that you’ve got a son with a serious drug addiction problem and two other kids whose college bills are costing you every cent you make and more. So I figure that’s why you’ve turned your medical practice into a pill mill.”

  Sweat appeared on Rosen’s forehead. He reached for the phone. “I think I’ll call my attorney.”

  “Go ahead. In fact, I don’t care if you call Moses down from Mount Sinai because we’ve got you dead to rights: tax evasion, prescription fraud, sale and illegal distribution of controlled substances . . .”

  Rosen sank back into his chair. His face turned a lifeless shade of white.

  “That’s it? You’ve got nothing to say?”

  “No, not a word.”

  “Okay.” Gerkin reached into his jacket pocket and placed three white plastic bottles on Rosen’s desk. “Pure oxycodone from a Canadian laboratory—not American-made, filler-adulterated OxyContin, but pure oxycodone, sometimes called hillbilly heroin. You know what kids do with this stuff? Well, let me tell you. They crush it, dissolve it, and inject it when they can’t score heroin on the street. But you already know that because, let’s see . . . oh, that’s right, you’re a drug dealer.”

  Rosen sat lifelessly in his chair, watching his life shrivel up and die before him.

  “As we speak, Dr. Rosen, the US Federal Marshal and the DEA are tearing apart your pharmacy.” He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out his handcuffs. “And these, Dr. Rosen, are for you.”

  Twenty-three: Reality

  I guess nothing lasts forever. I was on the Long Island Railroad riding back home to Suffolk County and an existence I now had little interest in returning to. My short vacation in New York City had changed my perspective on life completely. I was quickly being converted from a Suffolk County girl to a Manhattanite and loving every minute of it. I had been to the city many times before but had never felt the love for it I felt now. Emilio had shown me a side of the cosmopolitan city I liked and yearned to embrace.

  It was a little after noon. The train was mostly empty. I gazed out the window and watched the city disappear as we emerged from the tunnel that connected Manhattan with Queens. As I watched, skyscrapers were replaced by residential homes. I compiled a list in my head of the things that tied me to my existence on Long Island and what I would have to give up if I made the jump to the city. The list was quite short. There was Ax and Gabi, and the degree I was so close to attaining. I could complete my degree anywhere, and despite my recent rift with Gabi, I knew we would be friends forever. Now Ax, that was entirely something else. The conversation alone would be an ordeal. He had always been Ax the protector, Ax the wise, and he would challenge the very air I breathed before he agreed to my new life’s plan.

  Of course, Emilio was part and parcel to my new life. Was it the aura of New York City I liked so much or was it Emilio? Was Manhattan everything I wanted or was it because I now saw it through his eyes that made it so overwhelmingly appealing? And then the big one hit me. I had been Allie for days and had only changed back to Lexa after I checked out of the hotel. If there was Emilio, there was no place for Lexa. Emilio knew me only as Allie, the girl he had met as a result of a legal issue. Allie and Emilio were a couple. Lexa had no place in the relationship. So the question was, could I be Allie forever?

  The railroad car was air-conditioned, and the cold air blowing through the vents raised goose bumps on my arms as I stared out the window. The train was delayed at Jamaica Station. I whittled away the time watching the chaos outside the Queens Center Shopping Mall. The store complex was bustling and crowded but not in the same way as Manhattan—I felt no excitement. The train finally chugged away from Jamaica Station.

  I heard the railroad car door slide open. I looked up to see Ax walking through the door that connected my car to the next. I felt my heart accelerate clumsily, skipping beats and pounding in my chest.

  “Ax, what the hell? What are you doing here?”

  He didn’t answer until he was in the seat next to me. He immediately checked out the other passengers to see if we had privacy. The crowd looked pretty unassuming: a couple of seniors and a group of young girls, which I figured were on their way out to the beach. “I asked you what the hell you’re doing here.”

  “Relax, I never intruded on your privacy.”

  “Bullshit! You followed me the whole time.”

  “Off and on, just enough to keep tabs.” Ax looked down at my feet. “That was considerate of the lawyer to buy those for you. They look pretty,” he said, teasing me.

  “Just on and off, huh? You’re so full of crap. You watched me the whole time I was in Manhattan.”

  “I can’t see through walls. I watched when I could. Just enough to know that you were safe.”

  “You watched us having dinner. You watched him rubbing my feet? You’ve crossed the line, Ax. I’m an adult.” I was getting loud. Ax surveyed the railroad car and then put his finger to his lips, signaling for me to lower my voice. “This is too much. Maybe we should separate for a while.”

  “Calm down, Lexa. Are you Lexa or Allie today? He tugged my sunglasses down. “Your eyes—” I could see him studying them. He continued to look without speaking.

  “My God, Ax, what are you looking at. You’re making me uncomfortable.”

  Ax sighed as if he was resigning himself to something unhappy. “Your eyes, Lexa. Your eyes are both hazel. Both of your eyes are Allie’s now.”

  It took a moment for his words to sink in. “What?” I wasn’t expecting an answer. I dug into my bag and found my mirror. I gasped as I looked into it. “Oh no.”

  “You’re getting sloppy.”

  “Give me a break, will you. I have a lot on my mind.”

  “Can you change them?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “And you wonder why I have to look after you.
”

  “Back off!” I focused on my image in the tiny mirror, concentrating and straining. Come on. Come on. I wanted to scream. “Damn it.”

  “Just relax, you’re pumping too much adrenaline to do anything. Put your sunglasses back on and relax.”

  “Why is this happening?”

  “I don’t know. I’m your brother, not a molecular biologist. Why are we able to do anything we do?”

  I filled my lungs with air and blew out, hoping to find a better perspective. “I don’t need this now.”

  “At least both eyes are the same color.” He chuckled for my benefit.

  “Gee, thanks.”

  “Have you thought about taking the Chinese medicine? You really need to find your center. I know it will help.”

  “No, Confucius, I haven’t. Would you stop pushing that crap on me? Not everyone buys the Zen philosophy.”

  “Just trying to help, sis. You’ve been struggling with this a long time. Your yin and yang are out of balance.”

  “My entire life is out of balance.”

  “Is that a clumsy segue to telling me that you want to move to the city?”

  “Would you please stay the hell out my head? What makes you say that?” I said wondering if something I said had given it away. Ax was very observant and very strategic. I wasn’t sure if he picked up on something I said or not. He reached into his backpack and pulled out a bottle of homebrewed green tea. He unscrewed the top and offered it to me. “No thanks.”

  He took a long swallow and then screwed the top back on. “It’s not so hard to see. You had a good time with a man who you obviously like. He’s in the city, so you want to be there with him. I know our lifestyle leaves a lot to be desired. It makes sense that you’d want a change, especially now that you’ve got some money to play with. You’ve been restless for a long time.”

  I turned away from Ax while I thought about what he had said. We were already past the Hicksville Station and only about thirty minutes from Central Islip. Ax was a big part of me. I was still mad at him, but there was no questioning his motives. “You’ve got to change your MO. This ninja boy, following me everywhere, and hiding in the shadows routine is too much for me. I never know if I’m alone or if you’re standing right next to me. It’s unnerving.”

  “Come on, you know when I’m there and when I’m not.”

  “No, I don’t. I can’t tell if you’re around if you look like someone else. I don’t have a built-in brother detector.”

  “I only follow you when I think you might be unsafe.”

  “You always think I’m in danger. I’m surprised you don’t follow me into the bathroom.”

  “You didn’t complain when that creep was about to—”

  “Enough! I know you saved my ass from that jerk, Vincent. What do you want me to say?”

  “I don’t want you to say anything. I’ll know when you’re strong enough to be left alone.”

  “How about when I want to be left alone?” I said pointedly.

  Ax stuffed his green tea bottle back into his backpack. “Do you need a ride home?”

  I shook my head.

  “All right then. I get the message.”

  The electronic announcement sounded, stating that the next stop was Deer Park. I was just a few stops from home.

  “You know, Ax, I’m not sure that you do.”

  Twenty-four: Batman Returns

  Batman was reliable. His beat-up town car was parked at the foot of the stairway. He saluted me as I walked off the railroad car. He took my rolling suitcase at the foot of the stairs and threw it in the trunk. The trunk was cavernous. It was a mess, filled with jumper cables, flares, and God only knew what else. There was an assortment of cartons within, the tops crossed, flap-over-flap, so that they could easily be opened and resealed without tape.

  “Man, you’ve got a lot of stuff in there,” I said.

  “That’s my whole life, everything I own.”

  “Everything?” He nodded. I didn’t have to probe any further, I understood. The car was his home. It was his world and everything that belonged to him was housed within. Ax and I had lived in a car for a while, but it was a long time ago and I had forgotten that people sometimes have to resort to living that way. Our situation had only lasted a short while. I wasn’t sure how temporary it was for Batman.

  “Are we heading straight over to Carli’s?” he asked.

  “I’d like to pick up some supplies first, maybe get some things for the baby. I’ll fill up your gas tank. Sound fair?”

  “You don’t have to do that. We’re family.”

  I smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek. I didn’t realize that I had a middle-aged homeless man for a relative. “The Batmobile doesn’t run on love. I’m buying.”

  “You’re buying?” He said showing surprise. “When did you get so well-to-do? The State make a mistake and cut you an extra welfare check?”

  “Better. I ripped off the man.”

  “She-it, I thought you was the only honest person I knew. What did you do?”

  “Can’t say. Got to keep it on the down-low, you dig?”

  Batman shook his head and smiled with his lips pressed together. “Okay then, let’s get going. I’m going to start calling you Al Capone.”

  “Al Capone? I like that.”

  “I thought you would.” We got into the car. “So you’re not going to tell me how you scored all this money?”

  “Maybe one day.”

  “That’s cool. Does that make me your getaway driver?”

  “Don’t get carried away. We’re on our way to pick up baby supplies and groceries. We’re not pulling off the Brink’s Job.”

  Carli was lit up by the time we got to her trailer. She was sitting on a lawn chair outside the trailer with little Mark in her lap and a Miller pressed to her lips. Her nose and cheeks were bright red. I handed Batman the bag of groceries and snatched Mark from Carli’s lap.

  “There’s my boy,” I said, playing with Mark and bouncing him in my arms. He smiled and then gushed like babies do. “Drinking with an infant in your lap? Are you insane?”

  “I only had one,” Carli said.

  Batman laughed. “One can or one case?”

  “Screw you,” she replied and drained the balance of the beer. She looked at the bag of groceries that Batman was carrying. “You went shopping? Why? You know I get food from Meals on Wheels.”

  “I’m getting a little tired of doctoring the chicken parts. You know what I mean? I’m going to bake a meatloaf.”

  “Meatloaf?” Carli said. “Oh, I love meatloaf. You make it good?”

  “To die for.”

  “Oh, I love you,” Carli said as she rose from the lawn chair. She put her arms around my neck and gave me a hug and kiss. “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”

  “Jesus, Carli, you smell like a brewery. You can’t drink like that around the baby.”

  “I’m always around the baby. What am I supposed to do?”

  “Stop drinking,” Batman protested. “Stop drinking, or social services will take your baby away.”

  “The hell with that; no one’s taking my baby,” Carli swore. “Let’s go inside, damn it. I need something to pick on.”

  I turned to Batman. “You had better be staying for dinner.”

  “You’ve done twisted my arm, girl,” he replied. “You got any collard greens to go with that yummy meatloaf?”

  “Brussel sprouts.”

  Batman wrinkled his nose. “The hell is that?”

  “Tiny little cabbages, I bake them with shallots. You’ll love it.”

  Batman bunched his lips and shook his head with approval. “Pretty fancy, we having pecan pie for desert?”

  “Yeah right.” I boosted Mark up onto my shoulder. I reached into the grocery bag with my free hand and showed him a tub of Kozy Shack rice pudding. “Nothing but the best, Batman; all we need is three spoons, and we’re in business.”

  Batman laughed. “A meal
fit for a king.”

  “Or a super hero,” I said.

  Carli tossed her empty bottle into the trashcan and grabbed the rice pudding. “Now this looks good.” She began walking into the trailer and noticed that we weren’t following. “What are you waiting for?” She hoisted the tub of rice pudding. “Dinner is served.” She disappeared into the trailer.

  I looked at Batman. “No point arguing.”

  Twenty-five: Home Sweet Home

  The condo was pitch black when Batman pulled to a stop outside my front door.

  “Looks like you’ve got a bulb out,” he said. He threw the gearshift into Park and settled back in the driver’s seat. Batman’s poor posture made his belly look huge. He noticed it too and rubbed his paunch. “That was one kick-ass meatloaf. Where’d you learn to cook like that?”

  “The secret is in the ketchup. You smother the chop meat with Heinz Ketchup and you’ve got a winner. You don’t have to go to cooking school to make a decent meatloaf.”

  “Damn, it was tasty.” He covered his mouth but was unable to suppress a hearty belch. “Sorry. So you think Carli’s going to be okay?”

  “I say a prayer for her every night. She doesn’t exactly have a formula for success. She’s got the little one, a deadbeat husband, no money, and no self-respect.”

  Batman pondered my remark for a moment. “At least she had a good meal tonight. It’s the little things that matter the most.”

  “Got to help where we can. We’re both one step closer to heaven tonight. Thanks for the ride.” I grabbed my bag and opened the car door.

  “See you around, Lexa.”

  “You bet. Goodnight.”

  I closed the car door and stood in the moonlight as Batman pulled away. It was one of those ethereal nights when everything feels just right. The air was mild, and the gentle breeze carried the aroma of freshly clipped grass. I had Carli and Mark in my head and Emilio in my heart. My endorphins were running wild. I stood in the same spot for a few minutes, savoring the night and allowing the breeze to play against my bare arms. I felt happier than I had in a long time and began to fantasize about the rest of the summer. I thought about the beach and spending time with Emilio. I wanted to be with him, to dance and laugh and do all those things normal people do. I felt my cheekbones rise, and then in the next instant, my conscience reared its ugly little head. Emilio didn’t even know which girl he was dating. Lexa didn’t exist to him. It was Allie that he had spent the weekend with. It was Allie’s hand that he held and Allie’s feet that he rubbed when they ached. But Lexa and Allie were one and the same. I may have been Allie on the outside, but I was Lexa on the inside. I was the one laughing at his jokes and blushing when Emilio’s charm brought it out. It was me beneath the veneer. It was my thoughts and emotions beneath Allie’s skin and muscles. Christ, I just wanted to be happy, but now that I had started down this road could I ever go back? Did Lexa have a chance, or was I to remain Allie forever?