My Soul Is Yours

by E. L. Todd

She crossed her arms over her chest. “Hi.”

  “Hi,” I said quietly. “How are you?”

  “Well. You?”

  “Good. What’s this presentation for?”

  “Work,” she said. “I’m doing a special children’s exhibit this weekend. It’s about Mesopotamia.”

  “That’s interesting,” I said. “I’m sure you’ll do great.”

  “Thanks…” She didn’t sit at the table.

  Abby stared at her with wide eyes.

  I really wish my daughter would stop gawking at her, but I couldn’t tell her not to without drawing more attention to the situation.

  Abby looked at me and lowered her voice. “Daddy, who’s that?”

  “My friend Silke.” I paused on the word friend.

  “Daddy, she’s really pretty.”

  My cheeks flushed in embarrassment. Why did kids have to be so honest all the time?

  Silke heard her words and smirked slightly.

  Since there was no way to avoid it, I stood up with my daughter in my arms. “Abby, this is Silke. Silke, this is my daughter, Abby.”

  Silke stared at her then smiled. “You’re very pretty too, Abby.”

  Abby stared at her for a long time. “Thanks…” Then she stuck out her arms so Silke would hold her.

  Silke’s smile widened then she took her from my arms. “It’s nice to meet you.”

  Abby rested a hand on her shoulder. “Do you like ponies?”

  “I love ponies,” Silke said. “Do you?”

  “I love pink ones.” She pointed at the first present I ever gave her. “Daddy got that for me when we went to the park.”

  “Did he?” she asked in interest. “That was very nice of him.”

  “He’s the best daddy in the whole world!”

  Her eyes softened. “I can tell.”

  “He was gone for a really long time but he came back. I knew he’d come back.”

  Silke gave me a fond look then turned back to Abby.

  God, this was torture. Seeing Silke interact so well with my daughter was heartbreaking. I’d give anything for the three of us to be a family. I imagined Silke and I taking Abby to the park. While we watched Abby play on the swings, Silke and I would hold hands and talk about the dirty things we’d do once Abby was asleep.

  Seeing Silke holding her just teased me.

  I pulled out the chair for her. “I know she can get heavy.”

  Silke eyed me for a moment, like she was surprised that I was so thoughtful, and then sat down.

  I sat beside her, aware of how close she was to me. If I moved my thigh slightly, it would touch hers. Silke wore a purple dress with nude pumps. Her legs were long and thin, and she looked gorgeous. It was torture to stare at her and know she wasn’t mine.

  Silke adjusted Abby on her lap. “Did you eat all of your dinner?”

  “Most of it,” Abby said. “Grandma and Grandpa got me presents, so I wanted to play with those.”

  “Grandma and Grandpa?” she asked.

  “Yeah,” Abby answered.

  Silke looked at me but I couldn’t read her expression.

  But I knew she wasn’t exactly pleased by the fact her parents were my daughter’s grandparents.

  She turned back to Abby. “They’re nice, aren’t they?”

  “I love them!” Abby threw her hands in the air. “Now I have two grandmas.”

  “So lucky,” Silke said. She stared at Abby with fond eyes, and when she sighed, I knew she was falling under Abby’s spell. My daughter had the gift of bewitching anyone, of making them fall deeply in love with her.

  I wished I could use that magic on Silke.

  Janice and Ryan returned, and Janice had a dark blue blazer on a hanger.

  “This one?” Janice asked.

  “Yeah,” Silke said. “Thanks.”

  Ryan sat on the other side of her. “Staying for dinner?”

  “Well, I—”

  “Stay!” Abby begged her with her eyes.

  Silke, like everyone else, couldn’t say no to her. “Sure.”

  “Yay!” Abby clapped her hands.

  “Abby, that’s my daughter,” Janice explained.

  “Ooh…” Abby touched Silke’s neck. “She’s so big…”

  Ryan laughed. “Yep, she’s an adult.”

  Janice came around the table and grabbed Abby. “I’ll hold her so you can eat.” She put her on her lap then handed her one of her toys.

  Silke grabbed a fork and ate quietly, keeping her gaze averted from me.

  Ryan asked about her presentation, and Silke discussed it with a quiet voice. She was clearly off set by my presence. The last thing I wanted to do was make her uncomfortable around her own family. I felt terrible for it.

  Silke asked her parents about work and other things.

  I sat in silence, trying to disappear.

  When dinner was finished, Abby moved to the living room and played with her toys on the floor. Ryan went with her, playing with her quietly.

  “You know,” Janice said. “I think I have something else you can wear. Give me a second.” She left the table.

  Again, Silke and I were alone. But Abby wasn’t there to break the tension. A long minute of silence passed, in which Silke stared at the door in preference to me.

  I said what was on my mind. “I’m sorry about this. If you don’t want me to spend time with your family anymore, I won’t.”

  She turned to me, and her sparking blue eyes shined with their own light. Her lips were full and beautiful, enticing me to suck them with mine. Her face was free of flaws and perfect in an undeniable way. I could stare at her forever and never grow bored. “No, it’s okay, Arsen. I just wasn’t expecting you to be here tonight.”

  “I didn’t expect you to drop by.”

  “I’ll have to call next time.” She gave a faint smile. Then she paused for a long time. She decided to speak of the one topic that seemed appropriate. “Abby is wonderful.”

  “Yeah…she has me wrapped around her finger.”

  “She loves you so much…it’s adorable.”

  “Yeah…” I remember fearing that she hated me. I was glad it wasn’t true.

  “You’re a great father, Arsen. I knew you would be.”

  “Thanks,” I whispered.

  She turned her gaze away again.

  “Purple is a nice color on you.”

  Her cheeks tinted slightly. “Thanks…”

  I wanted to tell her she was beautiful, more beautiful than I remembered. But I did the smart thing and kept my thoughts to myself.

  “How was work?” she asked.

  “Good,” I answered. “I push paper around most of the time.”

  “Do you enjoy it?”

  “For the most part. But every once in a while, I’ll work in the garage just to do something different.”

  She nodded. “Have you been selling a lot of motorcycles?”

  “Just a few,” I answered.

  “Do you still ride one yourself?” she asked.

  “No,” I said immediately. “If I did, Lydia would take Abby away from me.”

  “Lydia?” she asked.

  “Abby’s mother,” I explained.

  She nodded. “That makes sense.”

  “I don’t want to jeopardize my relationship with Abby for any reason. Unfortunately, I’m at her mercy.”

  “Why is that?”

  “With my background, I’ll never get custody of her if it was taken to court. I have to play by her rules.”

  “That’s unfortunate.”

  “I’m going to bide my time and prove to Lydia that I’m a good father. Then I’m going to ask her to give me joint custody so I’m protected.”

  “That’s a smart move,” she said. “But I’m sure she knows you’re a good father now.”

  “I still don’t want to rush her.” And the fact she wanted to get back together made things more complicated. I wish she had a boyfriend or something so she wasn’t interested in me.


  She cleared her throat. “Are you seeing anyone?”

  My heart skipped a beat at her question. Did she care if I were or not? I turned my full gaze on her. “No.”

  She held the look until it became too intense. Then she turned away.

  I hadn’t been with anyone since we parted. I wanted her to know that but I thought it would be inappropriate to say. “The only woman in my life is Abby. She takes up a lot of my time.”

  “I can imagine,” she said with a light smile.

  I thought about Pike and I wondered what kind of relationship Silke had with him. Did they talk about marriage? Was it serious or casual? Was she in love with him? Were they going to last? I didn’t know how to word my question without prying so I kept thinking.

  She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at the refrigerator.

  “Pike sounds like a nice guy.” I didn’t know what else to say. I wanted to ask about him but I didn’t want to push too hard and make her uncomfortable. I didn’t want her to know how in love I still was with her. While I wanted her all for myself, I didn’t want to interfere in a relationship that made her happy. That would be wrong. The only reason she was with him was because I lost her. I had to keep that in mind.

  “He’s a very nice guy,” she said quietly.

  “Ryan told me he’s an artist. That’s impressive.” I wanted to continue the conversation to figure out if she loved him. I wasn’t sure why it mattered. I suppose if she didn’t love him after six months of dating, I thought I had a chance. They could break up and I could swoop in and win her back.

  “He’s been doing it for a long time. And he’s very talented.”

  She wasn’t giving me much to work with.

  “The two of you must have a lot in common.”

  “I would say so.”

  How did I figure it out without outright asking? “Are his parents artists as well?”

  “Not that I know of. I’m not sure what they do, actually.”

  So she hadn’t met them. I breathed a sigh of relief. If they’ve been dating that long but she hadn’t been introduced, then there was a good chance they weren’t that serious. My heart squeezed in hope. “Have you shown him your sculptures?”

  “A few.”

  “Has he taught you to paint?”

  “I haven’t made the attempt. He’s a famous artist. Anything I make will be pitiful in comparison.”

  So she wasn’t that comfortable around him. When she and I were together, we could be ourselves in every way imaginable. She never judged me for my shortcomings and I never judged her. But she clearly didn’t have that type of relationship with him. She loved art and was open to new things, but if she wasn’t willing to try with him, then their souls weren’t matched the way hers and mine were. The hope increased. “I’m sure you’d make something beautiful if you tried.”

  She shrugged. “I’ll stick to sculpting.”

  I hoped she assumed me asking about him meant I was okay with her seeing someone. I mean, I wasn’t. But I didn’t want her to feel guilty about her decision. I told her to move on, and I pushed her away when I went to prison. I wanted her to find someone who made her happy. How could I hold that against her? “Ryan said you’ve been together for a while.”

  “About six months,” she said.

  “Sounds serious.” I didn’t ask it as a question, but it was meant as one.

  “We’re still getting to know each other.” She didn’t look at me when she said it.

  Still getting to know each other? For six months? She and I were in love within the first week. We met at the bar, we were smitten with each other, and then the rest was history. I knew she was the one the first time we kissed, which was the night we met. There was something special about her, something that affected my soul. I didn’t need six more months to figure out who she was. I already knew.

  There. Was. Hope.

  “What about you?” she asked.

  “What about me?”

  “Any relationships come and gone?” She asked like she didn’t care what my answer was. But if she didn’t care, why would she ask at all?

  “No. I haven’t been with anyone.”

  She turned her eyes on me. “I told you about Pike. The least you can do is be honest.”

  That stung. “The last woman I made love to was you. The last woman I kissed was you. The last woman I said I love you to was you.” I held her gaze and didn’t blink.

  She held the look for a long time before she turned away.

  I pretty much just told her I was still in love with her. I hoped she didn’t realize it. “I’ve been too busy getting my life together to be distracted by women. And now I have a daughter. Who I spend time with affects her. And I’m not the same person I used to be, Silke. I don’t do one-night stands anymore.”

  “Then what do you do?”

  Sit around and think about you. “Nothing. I take care of my daughter.”

  She suddenly stood up then headed down the hallway. A moment later, she returned with the jacket and blouse her mom had retrieved for her.

  “I think it’ll look great on you,” Janice said.

  “Thanks, Mom.” Silke’s voice was clipped, like she wanted to get out of there quickly. “See you later, Dad.”

  “Bye, sweetheart.” He was still on the floor with Abby.

  She didn’t say goodbye to me. She didn’t even look at me.

  Silke headed to the door.

  “Wait!” Abby ran at her then stopped at her feet. “Aren’t you going to say bye?”

  Silke’s eyes softened and remorse came from deep within. “Of course, honey.” She kneeled down and hugged her. “I’m sorry. I guess I was just in a hurry.”

  “It’s okay,” Abby said. “Will I see you again?”

  She smiled at her. “I’m sure you will.”

  I stood up then approached them. “Abby, Silke has to go. Say goodbye.”

  “Bye,” Abby said weakly. She waved.

  “Bye,” Silke said.

  I took Abby from her arms and held her within my own.

  Silke stared at me, looking into my eyes like she was searching for something.

  “It was nice to see you.”

  “You too,” she whispered. “Bye, Arsen.”

  “Bye, Silke.” I hated saying her name. Her nickname came to me and sat on my tongue, but I didn’t let it escape.

  When the door was shut and Silke was gone, I held my daughter close and closed my eyes. Abby was the only comfort I had so I clung to her. Every time I said goodbye to Silke, it was painful. I just wanted her to stay and never leave. I’d successfully put my life back together and made a change for the better. But there was still one piece missing.

  Beauty.

  ***

  I had Abby for the weekend, and whenever she stayed with me, I made sure we did a lot of fun activities. Two days wasn’t long enough, and I tried to make the most of the time.

  Silke had an exhibit she was showcasing at the museum and I kept thinking about it. She said it was for kids, and it was a perfect opportunity to do something with Abby and see Silke at the same time.

  But that was also a bad idea. Silke had a boyfriend.

  She had a boyfriend.

  But when she talked about him, I didn’t hear the tone of passion. I didn’t hear the unyielding devotion she had for him. She didn’t talk about him the way she used to talk about me. Perhaps she was downplaying her emotions to spare my feelings, but Silke wasn’t the type of person to do that. She said what was on her mind even if it was painful.

  There was a good chance she didn’t love him. As messed up as it was, I had to hope they wouldn’t last. I thought I was selfless, but when it came to Silke, I was still pretty selfish.

  We arrived at the museum and Abby was fascinated by everything. She pointed at sculptures and asked me to read the signs and explain them to her. When we moved through the different exhibits, she asked a million questions. She’d never been to a museum be
fore, and her excitement bubbled from her pores. I was glad she was having a good time.

  We reached the Mesopotamia exhibit and saw a stage with a projector. Seats faced the stage, and Abby and I found two near the aisle. The show was about to start and every other seat was taken.

  “Daddy, isn’t that Silke?” She pointed straight ahead.

  Silke was near the podium, wearing a tight skirt with the blouse and jacket. Her hair was pulled back, revealing her face, and she looked like a bombshell. She could pull off any look. I stared at her face for a long time then realized my daughter asked me a question. “It is.”

  “She’s pretty, Daddy.”

  “She is.” I couldn’t agree more.

  Silke began the presentation and there wasn’t a hint of anxiety in her words. She held herself like a woman who commanded power even in silence. She was breathtaking as she moved across the stage, and she owned the room just with her words. Silke had supreme confidence that never came off as vain. She was just certain of herself and her abilities.

  Abby was thoroughly entertained. She didn’t whisper or fidget. She watched the images on the screen, and listened to the simplified words Silke used. Lots of other kids were in the audience, and most of them were paying attention too.

  When the show was over, the crowd separated then moved onto the next exhibit.

  I turned to Abby. “What do you want to see next?”

  She pointed at Silke. “Aren’t we going to see her?”

  I wanted to see her but I thought that was a bad idea. “She’s working right now, sweetheart.”

  “Can we just say hi?” She gave me those hypnotic blue eyes.

  Dammit. Why did my daughter have to be so cute? “We can stop by—just for a minute.”

  “Yay!” She jumped off the seat then headed to the stage.

  I came behind her and tried to keep up. “Abby, don’t run.”

  She did as I commanded but she still walked quickly.

  We reached the foot of the stage and Silke was working the projector. When she finished what she was doing, she headed to the podium and picked up her papers.

  “Silke!” Abby yelled and waved at her.

  I wanted to cover my face and die.

  Silke looked down then her eyes widened. “Hi, Abby.” Judging the surprise in her eyes, we were the last people she expected to see. She grabbed her folder and tucked it under her arm. Then she descended the stairs.