The Intrusion of Jimmy

by P. G. Wodehouse

  CHAPTER XVII

  JIMMY REMEMBERS SOMETHING

  The game between Hargate and Lord Dreever was still in progress whenJimmy returned to the billiard-room. A glance at the board showedthat the score was seventy--sixty-nine, in favor of spot.

  "Good game," said Jimmy. "Who's spot?"

  "I am," said his lordship, missing an easy cannon. For some reason,he appeared in high spirits. "Hargate's been going great guns. I waseleven ahead a moment ago, but he made a break of twelve."

  Lord Dreever belonged to the class of billiard-players to whom adouble-figure break is a thing to be noted and greeted with respect.

  "Fluky," muttered the silent Hargate, deprecatingly. This was a longspeech for him. Since their meeting at Paddington station, Jimmy hadseldom heard him utter anything beyond a monosyllable.

  "Not a bit of it, dear old son," said Lord Dreever, handsomely."You're coming on like a two-year-old. I sha'n't be able to give youtwenty in a hundred much longer."

  He went to a side-table, and mixed himself a whiskey-and-soda,singing a brief extract from musical comedy as he did so. Therecould be no shadow of doubt that he was finding life good. For thepast few days, and particularly that afternoon, he had been rathernoticeably ill at ease. Jimmy had seen him hanging about the terraceat half-past five, and had thought that he looked like a mute at afuneral. But now, only a few hours later, he was beaming on theworld, and chirping like a bird.

  The game moved jerkily along. Jimmy took a seat, and watched. Thescore mounted slowly. Lord Dreever was bad, but Hargate was worse.At length, in the eighties, his lordship struck a brilliant vein.When he had finished his break, his score was ninety-five. Hargate,who had profited by a series of misses on his opponent's part, hadreached ninety-six.

  "This is shortening my life," said Jimmy, leaning forward.

  The balls had been left in an ideal position. Even Hargate could notfail to make a cannon. He made it.

  A close finish to even the worst game is exciting. Jimmy leanedstill further forward to watch the next stroke. It looked as ifHargate would have to wait for his victory. A good player could havemade a cannon as the balls lay, but not Hargate. They were almost ina straight line, with, white in the center.

  Hargate swore under his breath. There was nothing to be done. Hestruck carelessly at white. White rolled against red, seemed to hangfor a moment, and shot straight back against spot. The game wasover.

  "Great Scott! What a fluke!" cried the silent one, becoming quitegarrulous at the miracle.

  A quiet grin spread itself slowly across Jimmy's face. He hadremembered what he had been trying to remember for over a week.

  At this moment, the door opened, and Saunders appeared. "Sir Thomaswould like to see your lordship in his study," he said.

  "Eh? What does he want?"

  "Sir Thomas did not confide in me, your lordship."

  "Eh? What? Oh, no! Well, see you later, you men."

  He rested his cue against the table, and put on his coat. Jimmyfollowed him out of the door, which he shut behind him.

  "One second, Dreever," he said.

  "Eh? Hullo! What's up?"

  "Any money on that game?" asked Jimmy.

  "Why, yes, by Jove, now you mention it, there was. An even fiver.And--er--by the way, old man--the fact is, just for the moment, I'mfrightfully--You haven't such a thing as a fiver anywhere about,have you? The fact is--"

  "My dear fellow, of course. I'll square up with him now, shall I?"

  "Fearfully obliged, if you would. Thanks, old man. Pay itto-morrow."

  "No hurry," said Jimmy; "plenty more in the old oak chest."

  He went back to the room. Hargate was practising cannons. He was onthe point of making a stroke when Jimmy opened the door.

  "Care for a game?" said Hargate.

  "Not just at present," said Jimmy.

  Hargate attempted his cannon, and failed badly. Jimmy smiled.

  "Not such a good shot as the last," he said.

  "No."

  "Fine shot, that other."

  "Fluke."

  "I wonder."

  Jimmy lighted a cigarette.

  "Do you know New York at all?" he asked.

  "Been there."

  "Ever been in the Strollers' Club?"

  Hargate turned his back, but Jimmy had seen his face, and wassatisfied.

  "Don't know it," said Hargate.

  "Great place," said Jimmy. "Mostly actors and writers, and so on.The only drawback is that some of them pick up queer friends."

  Hargate did not reply. He did not seem interested.

  "Yes," went on Jimmy. "For instance, a pal of mine, an actor namedMifflin, introduced a man a year ago as a member's guest for afortnight, and this man rooked the fellows of I don't know how muchat billiards. The old game, you know. Nursing his man right up tothe end, and then finishing with a burst. Of course, when thathappens once or twice, it may be an accident, but, when a man whoposes as a novice always manages by a really brilliant shot--"

  Hargate turned round.

  "They fired this fellow out," said Jimmy.

  "Look here!"

  "Yes?"

  "What do you mean?"

  "It's a dull yarn," said Jimmy, apologetically. "I've been boringyou. By the way, Dreever asked me to square up with you for thatgame, in case he shouldn't be back. Here you are."

  He held out an empty hand.

  "Got it?"

  "What are you going to do?" demanded Hargate.

  "What am I going to do?" queried Jimmy.

  "You know what I mean. If you'll keep your mouth shut, and stand in,it's halves. Is that what you're after?"

  Jimmy was delighted. He knew that by rights the proposal should havebrought him from his seat, with stern, set face, to wreak vengeancefor the insult, but on such occasions he was apt to ignore theconventions. His impulse, when he met a man whose code of behaviorwas not the ordinary code, was to chat with him and extract hispoint of view. He felt as little animus against Hargate as he hadfelt against Spike on the occasion of their first meeting.

  "Do you make much at this sort of game?" he asked.

  Hargate was relieved. This was business-like.

  "Pots," he said, with some enthusiasm. "Pots. I tell you, if you'llstand in--"

  "Bit risky, isn't it?"

  "Not a bit of it. An occasional accident--"

  "I suppose you'd call me one?"

  Hargate grinned.

  "It must be pretty tough work," said Jimmy. "You must have to use atremendous lot of self-restraint."

  Hargate sighed.

  "That's the worst of it," he admitted, "the having to seem a mug atthe game. I've been patronized sometimes by young fools, who thoughtthey were teaching me, till I nearly forgot myself and showed themwhat real billiards was."

  "There's always some drawback to the learned professions," saidJimmy.

  "But there's a heap to make up for it in this one," said Hargate."Well, look here, is it a deal? You'll stand in--"

  Jimmy shook his head.

  "I guess not," he said. "It's good of you, but commercialspeculation never was in my line. I'm afraid you must count me outof this."

  "What! You're going to tell--?"

  "No," said Jimmy, "I'm not. I'm not a vigilance committee. I won'ttell a soul."

  '"Why, then--" began Hargate, relieved.

  "Unless, of course," Jimmy went on, "you play billiards again whileyou're here."

  Hargate stared.

  "But, damn it, man, if I don't, what's the good--? Look here. Whatam I to do if they ask me to play?"

  "Give your wrist as an excuse."

  "My wrist?"

  "Yes. You sprained it to-morrow after breakfast. It was bad luck. Iwonder how you came to do it. You didn't sprain it much, but justenough to stop you playing billiards."

  Hargate reflected.

  "Understand?" said Jimmy.

  "Oh, very well," said Hargate, sullenly. "But," he burst out, "if Iever get a chance to get eve
n with you--"

  "You won't," said Jimmy. "Dismiss the rosy dream. Get even! Youdon't know me. There's not a flaw in my armor. I'm a sort of modernedition of the stainless knight. Tennyson drew Galahad from me. Imove through life with almost a sickening absence of sin. But hush!We are observed. At least, we shall be in another minute. Somebodyis coming down the passage. You do understand, don't you? Sprainedwrist is the watchword."

  The handle turned. It was Lord Dreever, back again, from hisinterview.

  "Hullo, Dreever," said Jimmy. "We've missed you. Hargate has beendoing his best to amuse me with acrobatic tricks. But you're tooreckless, Hargate, old man. Mark my words, one of these days you'llbe spraining your wrist. You should be more careful. What, going?Good-night. Pleasant fellow, Hargate," he added, as the footstepsretreated down, the passage. "Well, my lad, what's the matter withyou? You look depressed."

  Lord Dreever flung himself on to the lounge, and groaned hollowly.

  "Damn! Damn!! Damn!!!" he observed.

  His glassy eye met Jimmy's, and wandered away again.

  "What on earth's the matter?" demanded Jimmy. "You go out of herecaroling like a song-bird, and you come back moaning like a lostsoul. What's happened?"

  "Give me a brandy-and-soda, Pitt, old man. There's a good chap. I'min a fearful hole."

  "Why? What's the matter?"

  "I'm engaged," groaned his lordship.

  "Engaged! I wish you'd explain. What on earth's wrong with you?Don't you want to be engaged? What's your--?"

  He broke off, as a sudden, awful suspicion dawned upon him. "Who isshe?" he cried.

  He gripped the stricken peer's shoulder, and shook it savagely.Unfortunately, he selected the precise moment when the latter was inthe act of calming his quivering nerve-centers with a gulp ofbrandy-and-soda, and for the space of some two minutes it seemed asif the engagement would be broken off by the premature extinction ofthe Dreever line. A long and painful fit of coughing, however, endedwith his lordship still alive and on the road to recovery.

  He eyed Jimmy reproachfully, but Jimmy was in no mood for apologies.

  "Who is she?" he kept demanding. "What's her name?"

  "Might have killed me!" grumbled the convalescent.

  "Who is she?"

  "What? Why, Miss McEachern."

  Jimmy had known what the answer would be, but it was scarcely lessof a shock for that reason.

  "Miss McEachern?" he echoed.

  Lord Dreever nodded a somber nod.

  "You're engaged to her?"

  Another somber nod.

  "I don't believe it," said Jimmy.

  "I wish I didn't," said his lordship wistfully, ignoring the slightrudeness of the remark. "But, worse luck, it's true."

  For the first time since the disclosure of the name, Jimmy'sattention was directed to the remarkable demeanor of his successfulrival.

  "You don't seem over-pleased," he said.

  "Pleased! Have a fiver each way on 'pleased'! No, I'm not exactlyleaping with joy."

  "Then, what the devil is it all about? What do you mean? What's theidea? If you don't want to marry Miss McEachern, why did you proposeto her?"

  Lord Dreever closed his eyes.

  "Dear old boy, don't! It's my uncle."

  "Your uncle?"

  "Didn't I explain it all to you--about him wanting me to marry? Youknow! I told you the whole thing."

  Jimmy stared in silence.

  "Do you mean to say--?" he said, slowly.

  He stopped. It was a profanation to put the thing into words.

  "What, old man?"

  Jimmy gulped.

  "Do you mean to say you want to marry Miss McEachern simply becauseshe has money?" he said.

  It was not the first time that he had heard of a case of a Britishpeer marrying for such a reason, but it was the first time that thething had filled him with horror. In some circumstances, things comehome more forcibly to us.

  "It's not me, old man," murmured his lordship; "it's my uncle."

  "Your uncle! Good God!" Jimmy clenched his hands, despairingly. "Doyou mean to say that you let your uncle order you about in a thinglike this? Do you mean to say you're such a--such a--such agelatine--backboneless worm--"

  "Old man! I say!" protested his lordship, wounded.

  "I'd call you a wretched knock-kneed skunk, only I don't want to befulsome. I hate flattering a man to his face."

  Lord Dreever, deeply pained, half-rose from his seat.

  "Don't get up," urged Jimmy, smoothly. "I couldn't trust myself."His lordship subsided hastily. He was feeling alarmed. He had neverseen this side of Jimmy's character. At first, he had been merelyaggrieved and disappointed. He had expected sympathy. How, thematter had become more serious. Jimmy was pacing the room like ayoung and hungry tiger. At present, it was true, there was abilliard-table between them; but his lordship felt that he couldhave done with good, stout bars. He nestled in his seat with theearnest concentration of a limpet on a rock. It would be deuced badform, of course, for Jimmy to assault his host, but could Jimmy betrusted to remember the niceties of etiquette?

  "Why the devil she accepted you, I can't think," said Jimmy half tohimself, stopping suddenly, and glaring across the table.

  Lord Dreever felt relieved. This was not polite, perhaps, but atleast it was not violent.

  "That's what beats me, too, old man," he said.

  "Between you and me, it's a jolly rum business. This afternoon--"

  "What about this afternoon?"

  "Why, she wouldn't have me at any price."

  "You asked her this afternoon?"

  "Yes, and it was all right then. She refused me like a bird.Wouldn't hear of it. Came damn near laughing in my face. And then,to-night," he went on, his voice squeaky at the thought of hiswrongs, "my uncle sends for me, and says she's changed her mind andis waiting for me in the morning-room. I go there, and she tells mein about three words that she's been thinking it over and that thewhole fearful thing is on again. I call it jolly rough on a chap. Ifelt such a frightful ass, you know. I didn't know what to do,whether to kiss her, I mean--"

  Jimmy snorted violently.

  "Eh?" said his lordship, blankly.

  "Go on," said Jimmy, between his teeth.

  "I felt a fearful fool, you know. I just said 'Right ho!' orsomething--dashed if I know now what I did say--and legged it. It'sa jolly rum business, the whole thing. It isn't as if she wanted me.I could see that with half an eye. She doesn't care a hang for me.It's my belief, old man," he said solemnly, "that she's beenbadgered into it, I believe my uncle's been at her."

  Jimmy laughed shortly.

  "My dear man, you seem to think your uncle's persuasive influence isuniversal. I guess it's confined to you."

  "Well, anyhow, I believe that's what's happened. What do you say?"

  "Why say anything? There doesn't seem to be much need."

  He poured some brandy into a glass, and added a little soda.

  "You take it pretty stiff," observed his lordship, with a touch ofenvy.

  "On occasion," said Jimmy, emptying the glass.