The Intrusion of Jimmy

by P. G. Wodehouse

  CHAPTER XXVII

  A DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE

  If Jimmy had entertained any doubts concerning the effectiveness ofthis disclosure, they would have vanished at the sight of theother's face. Just as the rich hues of a sunset pale slowly into analmost imperceptible green, so did the purple of Sir Thomas's cheeksbecome, in stages, first a dull red, then pink, and finally take ona uniform pallor. His mouth hung open. His attitude of righteousdefiance had crumpled. Unsuspected creases appeared in his clothes.He had the appearance of one who has been caught in the machinery.

  Jimmy was a little puzzled. He had expected to check the enemy, tobring him to reason, but not to demolish him in this way. There wassomething in this which he did not understand. When Spike had handedhim the stones, and his trained eye, after a moment's searchingexamination, had made him suspicious, and when, finally, a simpletest had proved his suspicions correct, he was comfortably awarethat, though found with the necklace on his person, he hadknowledge, which, communicated to Sir Thomas, would serve him well.He knew that Lady Julia was not the sort of lady who would bearcalmly the announcement that her treasured rope of diamonds was afraud. He knew enough of her to know that she would demand anothernecklace, and see that she got it; and that Sir Thomas was not oneof those generous and expansive natures which think nothing of anexpenditure of twenty thousand pounds.

  This was the line of thought that had kept him cheerful during whatmight otherwise have been a trying interview. He was aware from thefirst that Sir Thomas would not believe in the purity of hismotives; but he was convinced that the knight would be satisfied tosecure his silence on the subject of the paste necklace at anyprice. He had looked forward to baffled rage, furious denunciation,and a dozen other expressions of emotion, but certainly not tocollapse of this kind.

  The other had begun to make strange, gurgling noises.

  "Mind you," said Jimmy, "it's a very good imitation. I'll say thatfor it. I didn't suspect it till I had the thing in my hands.Looking at it--even quite close--I was taken in for a moment."

  Sir Thomas swallowed nervously.

  "How did you know?" he muttered.

  Again, Jimmy was surprised. He had expected indignant denials anddemands for proof, excited reiteration of the statement that thestones had cost twenty thousand pounds.

  "How did I know?" he repeated. "If you mean what first made mesuspect, I couldn't tell you. It might have been one of a score ofthings. A jeweler can't say exactly how he gets on the track of fakestones. He can feel them. He can almost smell them. I worked with ajeweler once. That's how I got my knowledge of jewels. But, if youmean, can I prove what I say about this necklace, that's easy.There's no deception. It's simple. See here. These stones aresupposed to be diamonds. Well, the diamond is the hardest stone inexistence. Nothing will scratch it. Now, I've got a little ruby, outof a college pin, which I know is genuine. By rights, then, thatruby ought not to have scratched these stones. You follow that? Butit did. It scratched two of them, the only two I tried. If you like,I can continue the experiment. But there's no need. I can tell youright now what these stones are, I said they were paste, but thatwasn't quite accurate. They're a stuff called white jargoon. It's astuff that's very easily faked. You work it with the flame of ablow-pipe. You don't want a full description, I suppose? Anyway,what happens is that the blow-pipe sets it up like a tonic. Gives itincreased specific gravity and a healthy complexion and all sorts ofgreat things of that kind. Two minutes in the flame of a blow-pipeis like a week at the seashore to a bit of white jargoon. Are yousatisfied? If it comes to that, I guess you can hardly be expectedto be. Convinced is a better word. Are you convinced, or do youhanker after tests like polarized light and refracting liquids?"

  Sir Thomas had staggered to a chair.

  "So, that was how you knew!" he said.

  "That was--" began Jimmy, when a sudden suspicion flashed across hismind. He scrutinized Sir Thomas' pallid face keenly.

  "Did you know?" he asked.

  He wondered that the possibility had not occurred to him earlier.This would account for much that had puzzled him in the other'sreception of the news. He had supposed, vaguely, without troublingto go far into the probabilities of such a thing, that the necklacewhich Spike had brought to him had been substituted for the genuinediamonds by a thief. Such things happened frequently, he knew. But,remembering what Molly had told him of the care which Sir Thomastook of this particular necklace, and the frequency with which LadyJulia wore it, he did not see how such a substitution could havebeen effected. There had been no chance of anybody's obtainingaccess to these stones for the necessary length of time.

  "By George, I believe you did!" he cried. "You must have! So, that'show it happened, is it? I don't wonder it was a shock when I said Iknew about the necklace."

  "Mr. Pitt!"

  "Well?"

  "I have something to say to you."

  "I'm listening."

  Sir Thomas tried to rally. There was a touch of the old pomposity inhis manner when he spoke.

  "Mr. Pitt, I find you in an unpleasant position--"

  Jimmy interrupted.

  "Don't you worry about my unpleasant position," he said. "Fix yourattention exclusively upon your own. Let us be frank with oneanother. You're in the cart. What do you propose to do about it?"

  Sir Thomas rallied again, with the desperation of one fighting alost cause.

  "I do not understand you--" he began.

  "No?" said Jimmy. "I'll try and make my meaning clear. Correct mefrom time to time, if I am wrong. The way I size the thing up is asfollows: When you married Lady Julia, I gather that it was, so tospeak, up to you to some extent. People knew you were a millionaire,and they expected something special in the way of gifts from thebridegroom to the bride. Now, you, being of a prudent and economicalnature, began to wonder if there wasn't some way of getting areputation for lavishness without actually unbelting to any greatextent. Am I right?"

  Sir Thomas did not answer.

  "I am," said Jimmy. "Well, it occurred to you, naturally enough,that a properly-selected gift of jewelry might work the trick. Itonly needed a little nerve. When you give a present of diamonds to alady, she is not likely to call for polarized light and refractingliquids and the rest of the circus. In ninety-nine cases out of ahundred, she will take the things on trust. Very well. You trottedoff to a jeweler, and put the thing to him confidentially. I guessyou suggested paste. But, being a wily person, he pointed out thatpaste has a habit of not wearing well. It is pretty enough when it'snew, but quite a small amount of ordinary wear and tear destroys thepolish of the surface and the sharpness of the cutting. It getsscratched easily. Having heard this, and reflecting that Lady Juliawas not likely to keep the necklace under a glass case, you rejectedpaste as too risky. The genial jeweler then suggested white jargoon,mentioning, as I have done, that, after an application or so of theblow-pipe, it's own mother wouldn't know it. If he was a bit of anantiquary, he probably added that, in the eighteenth century,jargoon stones were supposed to be actually an inferior sort ofdiamond. What could be more suitable? 'Make it jargoon, dear heart,'you cried joyfully, and all was well. Am I right? I notice that youhave not corrected me so far."

  Whether or not Sir Thomas would have replied in the affirmative isuncertain. He was opening his mouth to speak, when the curtain atthe end of the room heaved, and Lord Dreever burst out like acannon-ball in tweeds.

  The apparition effectually checked any speech that Sir Thomas mighthave been intending to make. Lying back in his chair, he goggledsilently at the new arrival. Even Jimmy, though knowing that hislordship had been in hiding, was taken aback. His attention hadbecome so concentrated on his duel with the knight that he hadalmost forgotten they had an audience.

  His lordship broke the silence.

  "Great Scott!" he cried.

  Neither Jimmy nor Sir Thomas seemed to consider the observationunsound or inadequate. They permitted it to pass without comment.

  "You old scoundrel!"
added his lordship, addressing Sir Thomas. "Andyou're the man who called me a welsher!" There were signs of aflicker of spirit in the knight's prominent eyes, but they diedaway. He made no reply.

  "Great Scott!" moaned his lordship, in a fervor of self-pity. "Herehave I been all these years letting you give me Hades in every shapeand form, when all the while--My goodness, if I'd only knownearlier!"

  He turned to Jimmy.

  "Pitt, old man," he said warmly, "I--dash it! I don't know what tosay. If it hadn't been for you--I always did like Americans. Ialways thought it bally rot that that fuss happened in--in--wheneverit was. If it hadn't been for fellows like you," he continued,addressing Sir Thomas once more, "there wouldn't have been any ofthat frightful Declaration of Independence business. Would there,Pitt, old man?"

  These were deep problems, too spacious for casual examination. Jimmyshrugged his shoulders.

  "Well, I guess Sir Thomas might not have got along with GeorgeWashington, anyway," he said.

  "Of course not. Well"--Spennie moved toward the door--"I'm offdownstairs to see what Aunt Julia has to say about it all."

  A shudder, as if from some electric shock, shook Sir Thomas. Heleaped to his feet.

  "Spencer," he cried, "I forbid you to say a word to your aunt."

  "Oh!" said his lordship. "You do, do you?"

  Sir Thomas shivered.

  "She would never let me hear the last of it."

  "I bet she wouldn't. I'll go and see."

  "Stop!"

  "Well?"

  Sir Thomas dabbed at his forehead with his handkerchief. He darednot face the vision of Lady Julia in possession of the truth. At onetime, the fear lest she might discover the harmless little deceptionhe had practised had kept him awake at night, but gradually, as thedays went by and the excellence of the imitation stones hadcontinued to impose upon her and upon everyone else who saw them,the fear had diminished. But it had always been at the back of hismind. Even in her calmer moments, his wife was a source of mildterror to him. His imagination reeled at the thought of what depthsof aristocratic scorn and indignation she would plumb in a case likethis.

  "Spencer," he said, "I insist that you shall not inform your aunt ofthis!"

  "What? You want me to keep my mouth shut? You want me to become anaccomplice in this beastly, low-down deception? I like that!"

  "The point," said Jimmy, "is well taken. Noblesse oblige, and allthat sort of thing. The blood of the Dreevers boils furiously at theidea. Listen! You can hear it sizzling."

  Lord Dreever moved a step nearer the door.

  "Stop!" cried Sir Thomas again. "Spencer!"

  "Well?"

  "Spencer, my boy, it occurs to me that perhaps I have not alwaystreated you very well--"

  "'Perhaps!' 'Not always!' Great Scott, I'll have a fiver each way onboth those. Considering you've treated me like a frightful kidpractically ever since you've known me, I call that pretty rich!Why, what about this very night, when I asked you for a few pounds?"

  "It was only the thought that you had been gambling--"

  "Gambling! How about palming off faked diamonds on Aunt Julia for agamble?"

  "A game of skill, surely?" murmured Jimmy.

  "I have been thinking the matter over," said Sir Thomas, "and, ifyou really need the--was it not fifty pounds?"

  "It was twenty," said his lordship. "And I don't need it. Keep it.You'll want all you can save for a new necklace."

  His fingers closed on the door-handle.

  "Spencer, stop!"

  "Well?"

  "We must talk this over. We must not be hasty."

  Sir Thomas passed the handkerchief over his forehead.

  "In the past, perhaps," he resumed, "our relations have not beenquite--the fault was mine. I have always endeavored to do my duty.It is a difficult task to look after a young man of your age--"

  His lordship's sense of his grievance made him eloquent.

  "Dash it all!" he cried. "That's just what I jolly well complain of.Who the dickens wanted you to look after me? Hang it, you've keptyour eye on me all these years like a frightful policeman! You cutoff my allowance right in the middle of my time at college, justwhen I needed it most, and I had to come and beg for money wheneverI wanted to buy a cigarette. I looked a fearful ass, I can tell you!Men who knew me used to be dashed funny about it. I'm sick of thewhole bally business. You've given me a jolly thin time all thiswhile, and now I'm going to get a bit of my own back. Wouldn't you,Pitt, old man?"

  Jimmy, thus suddenly appealed to, admitted that, in his lordship'splace, he might have experienced a momentary temptation to dosomething of the kind.

  "Of course," said his lordship; "any fellow would."

  "But, Spencer, let me--"

  "You've soured my life," said his lordship, frowning a tense,Byronic frown. "That's what you've done--soured my whole bally life.I've had a rotten time. I've had to go about touching my friends formoney to keep me going. Why, I owe you a fiver, don't I, Pitt, oldman?"

  It was a tenner, to be finnickingly accurate about details, butJimmy did not say so. He concluded, rightly, that the memory of theoriginal five pounds which he had lent Lord Dreever at the SavoyHotel had faded from the other's mind.

  "Don't mention it," he said.

  "But I do mention it," protested his lordship, shrilly. "It justproves what I say. If I had had a decent allowance, it wouldn't havehappened. And you wouldn't give me enough to set me going in thediplomatic service. That's another thing. Why wouldn't you do that?"

  Sir Thomas pulled himself together.

  "I hardly thought you qualified, my dear boy--"

  His lordship did not actually foam at the mouth, but he looked as ifhe might do so at any moment. Excitement and the memory of hiswrongs, lubricated, as it were, by the champagne he had consumedboth at and after dinner, had produced in him a frame of mind farremoved from the normal. His manners no longer had that repose whichstamps the caste of Vere de Vere. He waved his hands:

  "I know, I know!" he shouted. "I know you didn't. You thought me afearful fool. I tell you, I'm sick of it. And always trying to makeme marry money! Dashed humiliating! If she hadn't been a jollysensible girl, you'd have spoiled Miss McEachern's life as well asmine. You came very near it. I tell you, I've had enough of it. I'min love. I'm in love with the rippingest girl in England. You'veseen her, Pitt, old top. Isn't she a ripper?"

  Jimmy stamped the absent lady with the seal of his approval.

  "I tell you, if she'll have me, I'm going to marry her."

  The dismay written on every inch of Sir Thomas's countenance becameintensified at these terrific words. Great as had been his contemptfor the actual holder of the title, considered simply as a youngman, he had always been filled with a supreme respect for theDreever name.

  "But, Spencer," he almost howled, "consider your position! Youcannot--"

  "Can't I, by Jove! If she'll have me! And damn my position! What'smy position got to do with it? Katie's the daughter of a general, ifit comes to that. Her brother was at college with me. If I'd had apenny to call my own, I'd have asked her to marry me ages ago. Don'tyou worry about my position!"

  Sir Thomas croaked feebly.

  "Now, look here," said his lordship, with determination. "Here's thewhole thing in a jolly old nutshell. If you want me to forget aboutthis little flutter in fake diamonds of yours, you've got to pull upyour socks, and start in to do things. You've got to get me attachedto some embassy for a beginning. It won't be difficult. There'sdozens of old boys in London, who knew the governor when he wasalive, who will jump at the chance of doing me a good turn. I knowI'm a bit of an ass in some ways, but that's expected of you in thediplomatic service. They only want you to wear evening clothes as ifyou were used to them, and be a bit of a flyer at dancing, and I canfill the bill all right as far as that goes. And you've got to giveyour jolly old blessing to Katie and me--if she'll have me. That'sabout all I can think of for the moment. How do we go? Are you on?"

  "It's preposterou
s," began Sir Thomas.

  Lord Dreever gave the door-handle a rattle.

  "It's a hold-up all right," said Jimmy, soothingly. "I don't want tobutt in on a family conclave, but my advice, if asked, would be tounbelt before the shooting begins. You've got something worse than apipe pointing at you, now. As regards my position in the business,don't worry. My silence is presented gratis. Give me a loving smile,and my lips are sealed."

  Sir Thomas turned on the speaker.

  "As for you--" he cried.

  "Never mind about Pitt," said his lordship. "He's a dashed goodfellow, Pitt. I wish there were more like him. And he wasn'tpinching the stuff, either. If you had only listened when he triedto tell you, you mightn't be in such a frightful hole. He wasputting the things back, as he said. I know all about it. Well,what's the answer?"

  For a moment, Sir Thomas seemed on the point of refusal. But, justas he was about to speak, his lordship opened the door, and at themovement he collapsed again.

  "I will," he cried. "I will!"

  "Good," said his lordship with satisfaction. "That's a bargain.Coming downstairs, Pitt, old man? We shall be wanted on the stage inabout half a minute."

  "As an antidote to stage fright," said Jimmy, as they went along thecorridor, "little discussions of that kind may be highlyrecommended. I shouldn't mind betting that you feel fit foranything?"

  "I feel like a two-year-old," assented his lordship,enthusiastically. "I've forgotten all my part, but I don't care.I'll just go on and talk to them."

  "That," said Jimmy, "is the right spirit. Charteris will getheart-disease, but it's the right spirit. A little more of that sort ofthing, and amateur theatricals would be worth listening to. Steplively, Roscius; the stage waits."