Who We Are (FireNine #2)

by Williams, S. Q.

  “Try not to let him get to you,” Montana whispered.

  I shrugged him off, staring out the window, ready for the ride to be over. When I wasn’t staring out the window, I would unnoticeably stare at Gage. I was in the very back row with Montana and Deed. Deed had fallen asleep with headphones on, his forehead pressed against the window, and Montana was too busy with his nose in his phone to see me. Roy and Gage were sitting in the second row. Ben was in the front with Stan, our driver.

  I took the quiet time to study Gage all over again as the flickering lights danced across his face from the passing cars. His features were stern and aggravated, without a doubt, but all in all, he was breathtaking—his chiseled jaw, pointy, slightly crooked nose, full and plush pink lips, hair tousled to perfection. There was a light trace of stubble surrounding his mouth, and he would randomly lick his bottom lip while shifting and trying to get comfortable in his seat. As he rested his head on the window and stared out, his neck was exposed and I had the urge to lean forward and kiss it. His skin, like cream, was tanned. I wanted to touch him, caress him… maybe even lick him.

  I was a fool, I know, but he was irresistible. It was hard not to stare at the man who had taken my virginity and brought me into womanhood. The man who gave me effortless smiles, caused countless butterflies to thrash in the pit of my tummy, and the first man aside from my father who told me he loved me. There was no way in hell he hated me. The love I used to see in his eyes was all too strong, and it’d only been eight months since the last time we saw each other. Love couldn’t fade that fast… could it? I sure as hell still loved him. The feeling had to be mutual.

  It wasn’t too long before we pulled up to our house and everyone groaned and stretched before hopping out. Gage and Roy stepped to the side as Montana, Deed, and I walked after Ben to get to the house.

  As Ben unlocked the door and we stepped inside, I looked over my shoulder at Gage and Roy, who were still standing outside the truck. They weren’t talking, just leaning against it, arms folded. I frowned, wanting to blast the both of them, but I held off. It would have been awkward for him to come inside anyway.

  “Glad we’re here. I had to take a serious piss,” Montana said, running his wet hands across his shirt as he reentered the living room.

  I smiled, lowering myself onto the recliner, but before I could settle and get comfortable, it registered to me that my bags were still in the truck. I thought about asking for a favor from one of them, but Montana and Deed got comfortable on the sofas and Ben had trailed off into his bedroom. I sighed, hopping from the couch and stepping outside.

  I left the door cracked, but my gaze was forward, staring ahead at Roy and Gage standing at the curb, now talking. Good. His back was facing me and he wasn’t near the truck. It saved me a moment of awkwardness.

  I quietly walked for the back door and gave another greeting to Stan, who only smiled, his eyes extremely tired. I told him I needed my things, and after I’d grabbed them, Ben came out, yelling for Roy and Gage to stop standing outside like idiots.

  I froze then, slowly unthawing and hooking the strap of my bag on my shoulder. I turned slowly and met Gage’s hazel eyes, but unlike my confused glare, his was hard and intense. Ben came rushing my way, helping me with my bags and art supplies.

  “They’re staying the night?” I asked so only he could hear.

  Ben’s lips pressed, his gaze lowering. “I’m sorry, Liza. It’s only for tonight. I told them not to waste money on a hotel and to just stay at my place until it was time for them to go tomorrow.”

  I scowled, slamming the door and rushing for the house. It was a bitchy move for me. I was never the one to be selfish, but with Gage, it was a completely different scenario. I couldn’t be under the same roof with him. We weren’t on good terms and I wouldn’t have been comfortable in my own home with him around watching me with angry eyes.

  I slammed my bedroom door behind me, but moments after, there was a knock. “Just leave it in front of the door, Ben,” I called, sighing as I slumped down on the edge of the bed.

  I heard something drop outside the door, but after that it was silent. The TV was still on in the front room and the door clicked shut, letting me know Gage and Roy were inside. But then my stomach grumbled and I cursed myself over and over again for not eating before getting home.

  Sighing, I slipped out of my outfit and found a pair of pink pajama shorts and a white tank. I tossed up my hair, wrapping the band around it, and then waited about ten minutes before clutching the doorknob. My heart beat a mile a minute as I twisted it and peered out into the dark hallway. I could see the flickering of the TV from the living room and I could also hear snoring. I hoped the snoring belonged to Gage.

  As I shut my door behind me, I literally tiptoed my way toward the kitchen. The hallway seemed longer and darker than ever before. It was almost like it was closing me in and my lungs forced themselves to function. I felt like every step could be heard, along with the banging of my heart. The worst part about it was in order to get to the kitchen, I had to pass the living room. Ugh. I loved that house, but I hated the setup more than anything at this moment.

  I passed the living room slowly and saw bundles of covers. I couldn’t make out who was where with the flickering lights of the TV, but I did see four comforters and sheets with what looked like bodies beneath them. I sighed then, hoping they were all sleeping after an exhausting night of singing and playing instruments.

  But then I stepped into the kitchen… and he was right there, sitting on the stool at the island. His elbows were planted on the tan marble counters, his hands on either side of his head, and he was staring down. He was hunched over, so I couldn’t see his expression, but he was biting his bottom lip.

  I almost gasped, but I held it in. I was about to turn around, but heavy hazel eyes met mine and I stopped in my tracks. At the sight of me, his eyebrows drew in, lines forming in his forehead. The biting on his lower lip stopped and then he pushed from the counter, marching toward me.

  A million things raced through my head. I thought he was going to grab me, shake me, and yell at me for what I did to him. I thought he was going to tell me I was the worst person on the planet and he hated me… but neither happened.

  Instead, he cupped my face and our lips collided. His tongue slid into my mouth and my lower back bumped against the nearest counter edge. I tangled my fingers in his hair and groaned as his grip around my face became tighter, but it wasn’t too tight to hurt me.

  Pleasure burned through me, his cologne filled me up, and my arms locked around his neck, trying to pull him in closer, but it was impossible. We were so close; I could feel him growing harder by the second. His tongue traced the roof of my mouth, my upper lip. I didn’t dare break the kiss because it’d been so long—months since the last time I kissed anyone. Gage was the last person I had my lips on and I missed it so damn much.

  His lips were like velvet, so smooth, his face baby soft except the stubble surrounding his mouth. He grunted as he squeezed me, rocking his massive erection against me. He then lifted me onto the counter with rigid breath—breathing that couldn’t be controlled. His fingers ran over my shoulders, my hips, my thighs. One of them found its way beneath my shorts and slid into me. I gasped, but our lips remained locked. God, I missed this. It felt so good. Gage groaned, pumping his finger into me, adding another while circling his thumb across my core. I was getting higher, my body begging for more. I wanted the arousal pressing against my leg inside me. I wanted him in every way possible, but it was like he was holding back. I no longer had any self-control and it was always like this with Gage. Whenever I was around him, he had complete control of my body. He could do anything to me and I would enjoy it.

  But as all this pleasure burned through me, I realized something wasn’t right. He pulled his fingers out of me and then began to tremble until finally he snatched his lips away.

  The fire in his eyes was intense, shocking. I could still see the aggravation behi
nd them, the hurt, but then he blinked it all away and released me, taking a step back. He blinked again and then ran the top of his arm across his lips, almost like he was getting rid of the rough kiss we’d just shared.

  He opened his mouth as if he wanted to speak, but in an instant, it clamped shut. Tears formed at the rims of his eyes as he shook his head, blinking hard. I couldn’t help but notice the thin bags beneath them, the redness surrounding his eyelids, like he’d been crying, but I wasn’t too sure because it could’ve easily been a sign of a lack of sleep.

  “I want that kiss to be a reminder of what we could’ve had but what you ended up leaving behind,” he finally said, his voice deep, unfamiliar, and gravelly. “I still can’t fucking believe you walked away like that, Eliza. Without sticking around and talking to me. I—I… Fuck, man!”

  I flinched as he went back for his short glass of alcohol and swallowed it down before slamming it back on the counter. He walked past me, brushing my shoulder as his spicy cologne whiffed past my nostrils and filled my lungs. And I hated how he led me on—got me worked up and anxious for his hard, delicious body—but nothing happened. Nothing came out of it.

  But then I thought it was probably how he felt after opening up to me. After telling me things he never would’ve told anyone. After spending so much time together and falling deeply in love, it fell flat in the end and we went nowhere… because of me. I let him down and displeased him and he was returning the favor. He was showing me how it felt to be left wide open and end up with no kind of closure. But it wasn’t just me. He let me down, too.

  And the sad part about it was I wanted to chase after him and drag him to my bedroom. I wanted to satisfy both of us. I wanted to apologize a million times, but I knew my apology would mean nothing to him. I was sure that by now, he was pretty much done with me and it was best that way. It was best for him to move on because I wasn’t done yet. I still had work to do and I was sure by the time I finished and graduated with a well-paying job, he would be with someone else… someone worth his time.

  That someone just wasn’t me.

  I spent the next afternoon cleaning and reorganizing my room. I moved my bed to the opposite wall to give myself more space for my art supplies and my desk, changed the sheets, and gathered all my dirty clothes. Washing clothes in college was far from the easiest thing to do. I hated carrying my clothes in a basket or a garbage bag and staying in the laundromat all day. I was more than grateful about being home to wash my things. I was also grateful the boys had to leave early to go home. I wasn’t exactly sure where any of their homes were, but I knew they weren’t living in Virginia anymore.

  I was glad Gage was gone. After last night, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. My lips were still tingling from that kiss. My legs were still clenching and I was throbbing from his fingers pumping in and out of me. It was almost like a reunion kiss… only he was pissed. I could feel the passion, though. I could tell he didn’t want to let go, but he did anyway. What he said hurt me, but I tried my best to look over it.

  I did all I could to occupy my time and not think about him, but it was a bust. After I was done, it was still early in the afternoon and the entire house was clean. I made lasagna for dinner, painted my toenails, sketched on the back porch for a little while, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Gage.

  His hazel eyes haunted me, making me want to just give him a call and take him back. But taking him back wasn’t part of the plan. Taking him back would mean he would expect me to drop everything I’d worked so hard for and be with him. It sounded selfish, but we were complete opposites. He didn’t want me to lift a pinky, but I wanted to work my ass off. He didn’t want me to worry or stress, but I wanted to have a normal life. His life wasn’t for me and he knew it just as well as I did.

  There was never a day that went by when I didn’t think about how I crushed him. How he literally buckled to his knees, tears streaming. I relived that moment every single day of my life and it killed me over and over again. I know it killed him. But it wouldn’t have lasted. I knew long distance wasn’t going to work for us. I knew with Penelope around, there would always be conflict between us.

  For the rest of my afternoon, I kicked back with a romance novel, and as soon as Ben arrived, we chowed down on the lasagna and finally discussed Gage’s attitude. Of course I didn’t tell him about the kiss last night. It would’ve made him assume things and I wasn’t up for assumptions. To make the whole talk easier, it was best to make it seem like Gage truly despised me.

  “I’ve been worried about him, though.” Ben sighed as he dropped his napkin on his empty plate.

  I leaned against the chair, looking into his eyes. “Why?”

  “I don’t know. He’s so dead… so out of it. Montana told me he hardly sleeps and whenever they talk about making a new song, his lyrics are… depressing. He’s grumpier.” He stared into my eyes for another brief moment before dropping his gaze. “I don’t want to assume it’s over you. It’s been months, Liza. He can’t be that hurt over it anymore. You’d think he would’ve moved on by now.”

  I swallowed noisily, picking up my fork and sliding my food around. “I wanna apologize… I just don’t know how. And I’m not the only one guilty in this situation, Ben. He lied to me. He said he was going to leave Penelope alone for me, but he spent the last two nights I was there with her.”

  He nodded. “I know, Liza Bear. I know.” He picked up his napkin to wipe the corner of his mouth. “You guys just have to talk. Clear things up a bit.”

  I shrugged. “I know.”

  Ben decided to change the subject and I nodded my head a few times to his conversation about work, but I wasn’t really listening. Gage was heavy on my mind and I knew Ben was right. I just didn’t know how to go about it. I didn’t know how to make him see it wasn’t him… It was me. So cliché, but it’s the truth. I had a life I wanted to make right. I had goals, dreams, and priorities. I wanted to do right by myself before including someone else. We had fun last summer, yes, but while I was in school, I had to focus. I had to go for mine. I grew up with ambition and I wasn’t going to let it all go to waste. I didn’t want to be like my mom, the lowlife with the worthless, abusive husband. I loved Gage, but I really had to take care of myself first… and him being with Penelope didn’t make it any better.

  Before Ben could move on with another topic of discussion, I asked him, “Ben, why’d you have the guards pull me away from Gage last summer?”

  Clamping his mouth shut, Ben looked me over with wide brown eyes. He looked away, cleared his throat, and grabbed his glass of water. After taking a sip he said, “I knew you would’ve regretted staying, Eliza. He would’ve convinced you to make school wait… and I know how badly you want to be successful in life. I couldn’t see you go down the wrong path…”

  I nodded, understanding exactly what he meant. He was right. Knowing me and how much love I have for Gage, I would’ve stayed. When I saw him break down, all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him, hold on to him and never let go. I wanted to be there for him, forever and always. I knew Gage wanted the best for me, which was why he decided to give out. After hearing all I’d been through, he probably knew better than to stop me. I just hated we didn’t talk for so long. I wanted to make things better, but when Ben gave me Gage’s number, Gage answered one time, heard me out on a few things, and then hung up. When I called again, he didn’t answer. Each time I called, there was no answer. I really couldn’t blame him for wanting nothing to do with me. To him, I was just another important girl in his life who walked away when he needed me most. I guess he was trying to get over me.

  It’s weird how I could only picture myself with Gage, though. I only pictured him in my future and it freaked me out but made me happy at the same time. It freaked me out because I didn’t know if he wanted the same thing. I didn’t know if he wanted us to be temporary or permanent. Permanent frightened me. I’d never belonged to anyone, so to try and belong to him may have failed and w
e may have broken one another’s hearts even more.

  I was a fucked-up person. I didn’t want to hurt him again and I definitely didn’t want him to hurt me, but it seemed that was all I was capable of while dealing with him. Hurting.

  A week later and I was in Brooklyn, New York, standing in front of Arts Global, ready to tackle the first day of my internship. I had my portfolio tucked beneath my arm, standing firmly in a pair of tan khakis, a mint-green blouse, and a pair of white flats. Ben picked out the outfit for me and it was perfect. Not too much. Not too little. He also took me to his hair salon so I could get my hair washed, blown out, and curled. I usually hated getting my hair done and looking prissy, but this was necessary. I had to look presentable.

  As I stood before the building, I slid my satchel higher on my shoulder and checked the time on my phone. I was twenty minutes early and that’s only because I had to hit the streets and grab a taxi to dodge traffic. I felt beyond foolish standing in the middle of the sidewalk in front of a thirty-story building.

  I remembered New York City like it was yesterday, though. It was the last city I was in during the tour before I had to go back to school. The last city I shared with Gage. I sighed, brushing aside the memories and clutching my portfolio beneath my arm, trudging forward. I had to keep my focus.

  As soon as I entered the building, I found it a lot calmer than expected. I assumed there would be people rushing around, hurrying to get to their offices or desks, but it was far from it. It was serene. Some people were in the sitting area with cups of coffee in hand and their noses buried in books. Others were sketching or drawing. Most of the people sketching and drawing were very young. There was a cluster of them sitting in a circle on the floor, diligently moving their hands along the smooth paper.