I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t feeling. Not thinking and not feeling was good. I wanted this to last forever. For some reason I couldn’t tell whether I was getting tired or not. I just knew I was running. I was running like a damn gazelle and didn’t dare stop.
I finally reached the main trail again and continued forward. I was going to run the trail back and then stretch my limbs. That was the plan, anyway, but of course the plan got fucked up.
I came to a screeching, heart-throttling halt as I stared ahead, eyes wide. I saw them playing their guitars. There was a crowd around them (mostly girls), but I could see them clear as day. Roy Sykes had a black acoustic guitar strapped around him and was playing soulfully as I took out my earbud to listen. The girls were silently cheering in front of him, watching as his fingers magically ran up and down his strings. His hair was longer and hanging in his eyes. He had on a tank top and all his tattoos were revealed. I didn’t even know he had tattoos on his chest until now. Roy was inked all over.
And then my gaze switched over to the boy wearing the black V-neck. His firm, inked arms were wrapped around his red acoustic. He was singing from the depths of his soul. I knew the song. It was the acoustic version of “Single Dove,” and it sounded amazing. Gage had gotten a haircut since the last night he spent with me at the apartment. I couldn’t see his eyes behind the Ray-Bans he wore, but I knew they were closed.
As I watched them from a distance, my breath hitched—even when I was still trying to catch my breath. The girls continued watching until Gage did his last slow strum and deep pitch and then they all wailed. The security guards behind the bench kept the raging girls back as the boys packed up their guitars, and when they were done, Gage turned around and somehow caught me standing a few feet away. I couldn’t see his eyes, but I knew he was looking right at me.
I wanted to run like hell. I should’ve kept my jog going and never looked. Seeing him brought it all back—the hurt and pain. The tears I shed over him last night. His hurtful words he said in the video.
My face obviously revealed all the pain because Gage stopped momentarily and stared at me. His smile faded and his lips pressed to a thin line. He whispered something to Roy and Roy looked up rapidly, meeting my eyes. For some reason, Roy’s face was sympathetic. It’s almost like he felt my pain from a mile away, but as always, he stayed out of it.
With a nod, Roy walked off and all the girls followed after him. Gage said something to the security guard and the guard nodded before coming my way. My heart pounded as Gage walked off, and as he did, I wanted to bash in his skull. Was he making this guard his messenger? Did he tell the guard to tell me to leave?
Whatever it was, I didn’t want to hear it, so instead of staying and waiting on the guard to come, I turned around and sped off.
“Hey! Wait!” the guard yelled after me.
I didn’t look back—that is until I heard Gage yell my name.
I stopped, twisting around. Gage was standing in the middle of the field, his sunglasses now off. And then I saw it all. The emotion. The heartache. Hurt. Pain.
Fuck, he was confusing me.
The security guard caught up to me. “He wants you to meet him under the north bridge. Take the back way. He wants to speak with you.”
I swallowed, finding it harder to breathe. I didn’t look away from Gage as he stared at me a little longer and then turned around, running his hand over his face before placing his sunglasses back on. The security guard gave me a slight nod and then dashed off after Gage before anyone could trample him.
I watched until I could no longer see them and then took in a deep, ragged breath. “Okay,” I breathed. I was going to meet him, just to smack the living shit out of him. He deserved my wrath… but then again, I deserved his as well. I guess we were neck and neck at hurting one another.
I pressed my lips and took a quick scan of my surroundings. No one was paying attention to me. Everyone was still minding their own business, even when I felt like I’d caused a damn scene. I knew where the north bridge was so I took off down the trail, hoping I would get all the answers I needed from Grendel.
I was at the tunnel in no time and when I saw Gage, I had to take a few deep breaths before going in for the kill. No one else was beneath it, not even the security guard. It was best for us to be alone, and I’m glad he knew.
As I started down the tunnel, I saw Gage leaning against the wall, arms folded. His head was hanging, and from where I was, I could make out every single tattoo on his arms… but maybe it’s because I knew what each one was after seeing them over a dozen times.
Gage heard my footsteps and twisted his head to the right. As he saw me, his face lit up with relief, but I didn’t. Not one part of me warmed up to him. I’m sure I had a cold, horrid look on my face. I could feel it. I couldn’t believe I was doing this. I knew for a fact what he had to say was going to cause even more harm to my emotions, but I had to figure out what his deal was. This wasn’t like him. I knew. He despised Penelope.
I stopped four steps away from him and took a deep breath. Gage exhaled as well and then unfolded his arms. We were quiet for a moment, both trying to get our thoughts and questions together. I was actually trying my hardest not to punch him and luckily, I was successful with keeping myself calm.
“You look nice,” Gage finally said.
I didn’t smile. Didn’t budge. Just stared. I wasn’t about to let his arrogance get to me.
His smirk fell as he took in the cold look in my icy blue eyes. “Why’d you run away like that?” he asked, eyes narrowed.
“Why’d you leave the next morning without saying good-bye?” I countered.
He frowned, shaking his head. “In my dictionary, ‘good-bye’ is a term used when I no longer want to be around or see someone anymore. I couldn’t say good-bye to you.”
“So you just leave? You had me worried sick, Gage! And then I see that fucking video about you getting engaged to a dumb bitch like Penelope? She’s the one you should be telling good-bye!”
“Eliza, please.” Gage shook his head, pushing off the wall. He took a step toward me, but I took one back, shaking my head. “You know me, Eliza. You know how I am. I’m—I’m not safe around you. Not with her knowing.”
“You better explain something to me right now, Gage,” I growled. My temper was really on the rise.
Gage took sight of my balled fists and leaned back a little. “Fuck. Okay.” He gripped the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. “Kristina is in New York. Okay? She found me. She asked to move in with me and wanted me to get her into rehab. She’s been with me for a month now, and I’m not losing her again.”
I narrowed my eyes. “What does Kristina have to do with Penelope?”
Gage sighed, licking his lips. “Penelope stopped by my place randomly one day when I wasn’t home. She got all buddy-buddy with Kristina and purposely took a picture with her. I didn’t tell you this before because I never thought there’d be a problem with him, but Penelope’s dad is our boss. He’s the guy who got us where we are now. He fucking owns us, Eliza.” I swallowed, blinking quickly as Gage stared into my eyes. He was serious. This was no longer a game or joke. This was real. “I met Penelope through him. As for the picture of her and Kris… she’s going to give it to Cal Avery so he can put it in a magazine if I don’t cooperate with her.”
“W-what?”
“She and Calvin-fucking-Avery got together sometime on the tour last summer and he switched his article up for her. She paid him to watch us… to keep an eye on us, and he obviously promised to provide her with a scoop. It’s why she kept coming around more. I wasn’t inviting her to those places, Eliza. Cal’s uncle is the owner of Escape magazine and It’s Real is an imprint of it. Cal wanted a better position with the company, Penelope agreed to pay him and get him more readers, so he agreed to watch and write about us—to give Penelope all the info and dirt she needed to prove you and me were messing around.”
“I heard, but I t
hought it was just a rumor…”
“He made me look weak in his article. Luckily, women like seeing the soft side of men.” He shrugged. “I guess it was all just a game for him. He came for an article on the entire band, met Penelope, got greedy, and started doing shit for her. He lied.”
“Wow,” I breathed. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. All this time I thought Cal was the only one who had common sense out of all of us on that tour. Cal was filling Penelope in on everything we were doing, and she was trying her hardest to stop us—to break us up. And damn it if she didn’t win. If it weren’t for her, Gage and I wouldn’t have left one another on bad terms last summer.
“Anyway, I got home and Penelope was waiting in the kitchen and, Eliza, I swear to you I never invited Penelope to my house. I was putting distance between us. I changed my locks and everything, but Kris let her in because Penelope told her she was my girlfriend. She showed me the picture of Kris and told me if I ever came near you again—if I didn’t stick with her—she’d tell Cal to put Kris in the magazine and that she’d tell her father to drop the band. There’s too much going on right now. I didn’t give a fuck about her ratting Kris out. I would’ve tried making a way around that. But when she crossed the line with the band—when she went to levels that low—I knew she wasn’t joking anymore. I can’t lose the band, Eliza. I can’t let them down. We’ve come too far. And Kris… even though I’m sure she would pretend not to care, she doesn’t want anyone in her face. If they find out my sister was once a drug abuser and now in rehab, they’ll put that shit everywhere. They won’t cut her or the band a fucking break. I’m doing this for my family. For my band. For their safety. I don’t want Kris stressing. I want the best for her right now. She’s… dying, Eliza.”
“D-dying?” I asked, my voice hoarse.
“Yes. Dying. I don’t wanna lose her so I’m doing all I can. She told me she was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago.” His eyes grew pained and I lowered my head. It was way, way worse than I thought. “Eliza.” Gage cupped my face, lifting my head and staring into my eyes. “I’m so sorry. I swear. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. You know how much you mean to me. All of this with Penelope is an act. I didn’t ask her to marry me. She proposed to me in public, where I couldn’t say no or make a way around it. She asked me in front of her dad, Eliza. My boss. And he was expecting me to say yes. I can’t lose my career. I can’t let the band down, and I definitely don’t wanna let Kris down. You know I love you—”
“It doesn’t seem like you love me that much, Gage. You didn’t answer my calls. My texts.”
“She’s tracing all that shit. She has connections. She’s fucking crazy!”
“Then just drop her!” I shouted. “Just let her tell. Let her tell about Kristina! Who the hell cares? Rumors spread every fucking day, Gage. People lie every single day. One picture isn’t going to determine who you or the band are. You should be used to things like this by now! And as for her fucking dad, I’m sure he wouldn’t be dumb enough to let his most popular band go!”
“I can’t do that, Eliza!”
“Why the hell not?”
“Because I’ve been begging for this day to come since Kris left. I’ve wanted this dream since I was a child! I’m taking care of her and I don’t need some obsessed, crazy bitch like Penelope trying to ruin it. I don’t need Kristina worrying over how she’s going to walk to the rehabilitation center down the street or how she’s going to get home without being seen. People don’t need to know who she is. They find out what’s wrong with her and the beef between FireNine and our boss and we’ll be hounded, Eliza. It’ll ruin our rep… what we stand for. Loyalty. Penelope’s dad is Ben’s boss. Think of Ben. He won’t have a job. He’ll start struggling again. He won’t have money... and it’ll be all my fucking fault. Ben will have to search for someone else. He’ll be considered a terrible manager. No one will want to work with a man who they think can’t control his band. I’ve thought about it all—I’ve tried finding ways around this shit, but… I don’t know what else to do. This seems like the only way right now… just until this shit with her settles down and blows over.”
I shook my head, tears burning my eyes. A few escaped, but I turned around, lowering my head. I couldn’t cry in front of him. None of this was worth it.
None of it.
“Eliza, you know I love you,” Gage whispered, stepping in. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me back, placing his chin on my shoulder. “You don’t think I’m hurting over this? This was a hard decision.” He kissed my cheek and the waterworks really let loose.
I knew what he was going to say next and it hurt my heart. I was slowly dying on the inside, begging for the pain to stop. My heart was spinning like a game board in jeopardy, begging to land in a good place.
“You’re my first love. I’m in love with you and I always will be. But when it comes down to my family and my band, no one can get in between that. Family always comes first. My band is like blood. I’ll do whatever I can for my sister—for the band. And if it means letting this go for now… I have to. We can’t do this right now, Eliza. I can’t let Penelope win. I’ll find a way out of it… It’ll just take me some time. You can’t hold this against me.”
I broke down then. My knees buckled, but Gage kept me up, tightening his arms around me. He turned me in his arms and squeezed me against him, stroking my back and my hair as I hooked my arms around his neck. I didn’t want to let go for the life of me, but this was it. This was his good-bye—at least in my eyes.
“You’re already letting her win, Gage,” I whispered over his shoulder. “She’s already winning. She always has been. Since last summer.”
“She’s not.” Gage pushed me back by the shoulders and looked me in the eyes. He then placed a sweet, gentle kiss on my lips and my tummy thrashed with butterflies. “Tomorrow,” he said, kissing me again.
I sniffled, pulling away. “Tomorrow what?”
“Tomorrow I’ll get another phone. I’ll call you every single day. I’ll text you every morning. I’ll meet you whenever I can. I’ll make ways, Eliza. We’ll work something out. Isn’t that what you told me?”
It sounded promising, but then I thought on it and it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t a side chick. I wasn’t supposed to be the girl he was sneaking around with. I was supposed to be the only one. His only one. I wasn’t an option. I was an only. I knew my worth and sadly, this wasn’t it.
“I’m not doing that, Gage,” I whispered. “It’s her or me. Me or Penelope. I’m not about to be on the back burner. I want you. You want me. You don’t love her, so screw her! What was all that talk about sacrifices the other night, huh? Why can’t you make the sacrifice?”
Gage lowered his head, dropping his arms to his sides. “Eliza, you’re making this so hard for me. It’s not just Penelope in this situation. It’s Kristina, Penelope, and my band!”
“But you can change it to Kristina, me, and your band. We can fix this. You just have to talk to them!”
“I can’t do that. The boys will never understand. They don’t want to lose everything they’ve worked for just because I made the mistake of messing around with my boss’ daughter.”
I really couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Then forget it,” I muttered, stepping back. “Forget it. I know you want to take care of Kristina. I know you want to keep her and the band out of harm’s way, but… sometimes some things aren’t worth losing, Gage. Sometimes you have to make a sacrifice in order to be truly happy. While you’re with her, you’ll never be mine. Something’s gotta give. There are options; you’re just choosing the wrong one.” I shrugged. “By the way you described Kristina to me last summer, I know she would rather you be happy than herself. You know it, too, but you’re being dumb about this whole situation. You’re letting go of someone you love over a girl who obviously has no respect for you. Kristina would want the best for you, no matter what she has to go through. I know the boys and if they have to, th
ey’ll do what they can for you. They all fucking love you! You’re just being weak right now.”
Gage pressed his lips and looked away from me. He had nothing else to say and quite frankly, neither did I. This was it. He wasn’t going to give it up for me. He said he would let Penelope rat him out last summer, but now that it’s come down to it—now that I actually want him in my life and I want things to work—he’s going back on his word? He’s just going to drop me like I dropped him? I guess it was only fair, right? I did deserve it after all.
It hurt, but I understood. It was obvious. And in the back of my mind, it kind of made sense. I was just one person. A girl he’d just met. He knew his sister his whole life and his band the majority of his life. He was just getting to where he wanted to be with his career… and in order to keep things moving forward, there were things he had to lose along the way. Me.
I stepped in, placing a tender kiss on his cheek. “I don’t know what else to tell you,” I whispered. “But I understand.” He grabbed my hand, entwining our fingers, with tears at the rims of his eyes. I wanted to hold on. I wanted to stick with him so bad, but I couldn’t. I had to let go. I couldn’t be an option. Loosening my fingers, I pulled away from him and stepped back. “Bye, Gage.”
I walked off, trying my hardest to keep the tears in. I was successful with it. As I stepped from beneath the tunnel, Gage’s voice broke as he called my name, but I didn’t look back. I wanted to look back just to see his beautiful face and cherish it for one last time, but I didn’t. I had to be strong.
I thought I’d gone through something much worse. I thought the abuse and pain from my mom and stepdad was bad, but this? This heartache? This pain? This depression? This gut-wrenching, heartbreaking moment? This knotted-up feeling in my gut, the tightness in my throat, the ache in my chest? It was slowly but surely killing me. With each step I took away from that tunnel, I died on the inside. My heart shriveled up and obliterated into ashes.
I was numb the whole jog back to my apartment. It started drizzling and I didn’t care one bit how soaked I got. I took a long, hot shower when I got home, forced myself to eat again, and then curled up on the couch. The TV wasn’t on. No music. There was only silence. The silence was deadly because my thoughts shouted at me. It felt like my heart was decreasing in rhythm, beating slowly, unsteadily.
Who We Are (FireNine #2) Page 11