Liars and Losers Like Us

by Ami Allen-Vath

  I eye my reflection and frown. This dress is so not me. The top is like an explosion of taffeta and little wires of shiny black beads. The bottom’s way too short and it’s so tight on my hips that it’s bunching at my waist.

  “Psst, it’s me. Hide your ass, hide your twins!” Kallie swooshes back into the dressing room with a grin. “That dress is a no. It’s like hooker meets …”

  “Nineteen eighties stripper?” I ask.

  “Exactly. Try the silver one. It’s hot without looking strippery.”

  I watch from the corner of my eye as she picks up her phone and lets out a long hiss between her teeth.

  “Don’t tell me,” I say, “Todd?”

  “What? No,” she says fumbling around in her bag. “Just my mom wanting to know if I’ll be home in time for dinner.” She zips me into the silver dress with a strained smile. “This is the one. You’re stunning.”

  “I think you’re right,” I agree, juggling my enthusiasm for the dress with the reality that my best friend is most definitely getting dicked around by this jerk. And there’s nothing I can do about it. Not to mention the fact that she just lied to me. This Prom thing has really become a pain in the ass. She’s right about one thing though. This dress is the one. I can’t help but wonder what Sean will think. It’s form fitting, long and slinky, showing off the golden tone of my skin and the random spray of beauty marks across my bare shoulders. Best of all, it accentuates the curve of my hips that I used to try to hide.

  All I can do now is follow Kallie’s lead and act like I don’t care about what we just witnessed. If Todd and Jane aren’t going to ruin Prom for Kallie, they’re not going to ruin mine either. I pile my hair up onto my head, strike my best model pose in the mirror, and wink at Kallie. Click. No problems here. Prom Court ready.

  ****

  “So, let me see that dress you bought last weekend.” Sean walks over to my closet door.

  “Don’t even.” I jump from my beanbag and sashay in-between the closet door and Sean. He bounds over to my wide-open bedroom door instead and closes it with quiet stealth.

  “You’re gonna get in trouble.” I smile and push him onto my bed.

  “Feels like you’re the one looking to get in trouble.” Sean bounces back up and props a pillow between him and my headboard.

  It’s the first time Sean and I have been together in my room. In any room, alone. I can see why my mom told me to leave my door open. Rather, I can feel it. Horny teenagers.

  “So, what do you want to do? Hang out here or go somewhere?” I ignore the ache.

  “I don’t care—whatever you want. I’m just glad you’re hanging out with me. And not sick, tired, or maybe blowing me off. I almost thought I was going to take Justin Conner to Prom. You had me worried.”

  “Yeah well …”

  “Yeah well, what?” Sean pats the space next to him on my bed.

  “Scoot over.” I sit, leaning up against the headboard next to him, extending my legs, and feeling a warm blaze as his thigh brushes against mine. “It’s silver.”

  “What?”

  “My dress. It’s silver.”

  “Oh. Okay. I guess we’re back to talking about your dress.

  “Well, supposedly it’s an important detail. Kallie says you’re s’posed to match it to some of your tux accessories and the corsage.”

  “Oh, right. My mom asked me about that. Hey, stop trying to distract me from the real issue here. Why haven’t you wanted to hang out? I don’t think any of our phone conversations lately have been longer than five minutes.”

  I drum my fingers on my knee. “I’ve been lame, I know. To be honest …” As if I can really be honest. Tell him I’ve spent the last two weeks since Maisey’s wake beating myself up with worry, anxiety, and regrets. How I’m not sure I deserve to be with someone so great, getting ready for Prom when all this other fucked up stuff is buzzing in my head. Tell him how Maisey’s eyes have been haunting me, staring, lifeless and bitter. Ask him to read me the letter she wrote that’s still hiding, unread, in the pillowcase just inches away from him. Or tell him that because of all this, I feel like I want him even more than I’d care to admit. Tell him that I’m over my head, beyond crushed and crazy about him. That it’s something that means and feels more than I can explain as the warmest meltiest loveliest ball of good feelings swishing around my stomach, my brain, in my everything, everywhere and I’m not looking to get hurt in the end.

  “You were saying? To be honest?” Sean smiles, waiting for me to fill the silence I’ve created and filled with tension.

  “This whole Prom thing is getting mega stressful, that’s all. I guess I have a hard time knowing where I fit in. Because I don’t.”

  “What do you mean, you don’t fit in? That doesn’t make sense. You have friends. Everyone likes you.”

  “Everyone?”

  “Except maybe Jane. Like she matters. But how does one fit in to Prom Court per se? Do you need bigger hair? Maybe if your eyes were brown instead of smoldering gray. Or if you drove a Mustang or an Audi? Don’t take this the wrong way, but none of this stuff is that serious.” He slides his hand over my thigh.

  “Smoldering gray, huh? Now that you put it that way, I’m fine. Thanks for the pep talk.”

  “Don’t get smart with me, Hughes.”

  “Don’t boss me, Mills. And hey, if it means anything, I missed you.”

  “It does mean something.” He smiles shyly, his eyes dipping from my gaze to our now-clasped hands. Some of the tension in my shoulders releases.

  “I better open that door before you get any ideas.” I lean in to kiss him quickly but stop to inhale where his neck and shoulder meet. He turns to meet my mouth. My lips rest on his, and the kiss is gentle and intense. With a pained, slow exhale, I pull away, then grab a pillow and hit him in the side. “I’m hungry. Let’s go get something to eat.” As if food could satiate me.

  “Probably a good idea.” He tosses the pillow to the side and kisses the bottom of my ear.

  “Do you wear cologne?” I ask.

  “No, should I?” His low voice at my ear sends a tiny shiver down my neck and down to like, everywhere.

  “I just love how—” I lean back into him. “The way you smell, it’s good. I could just …” I inhale and exhale breathing into his neck, beneath his ear.

  “It’s soap. Sandalwood.” He pulls back ever so slightly, holding my gaze, “Yeah we better get something to eat.”

  My breath hitches. “Good idea.” Obviously we are on the same page.

  ****

  “A-ha. I knew something was up” I say. “This place should be called 21/7. Look, it’s closed from three until five in the morning.” I point to the diner’s business hours sign as Sean and I hover behind a group of other high school kids waiting to be seated.

  “I better talk to the manager about this. This place is a sham. Let’s leave.” Sean turns pretending to leave.

  I laugh but then see something that makes me want to follow through. Molly and Jane. Strutting through the parking lot hand in hand. Jane’s perfectly slicked back ponytail is topped off with a sparkly tiara. Seriously.

  “Great.” Here comes Beauty and the Barf.

  Sean follows my gaze and spots them. “Look, our colleagues. Let’s dodge ’em.” Sean weaves his way to the hostess stand. “Two for a booth, please. If you have one.”

  “No problem, right this way,” the hostess says, grabbing two menus and leading us toward the other end of the restaurant. We scoot in and she rests her hand on the table leaning over Sean, her boobs practically falling onto his place setting. “Can I start you off with something to drink before your server arrives?”

  “Two Cokes and if you could do me a huge favor—don’t seat that tiara girl next to us. She’s my sister and I told her I was working all day so I couldn’t make it to her pageant. She’s pretty intense. I don’t want her to start flipping tables in here, if you know what I mean.”

  The hostess giggles and blu
shes. “No problem. I’ll make sure she doesn’t see you.” She flips her gaze to me. “Did you want something to drink too?”

  “I’ll probably have one of the two Cokes he ordered.”

  She blinks a few times and giggles. “Oh yeah. Right. Of course. Got it.” She rushes off.

  “You sure have a way with the ladies.”

  “Guess so. You’re sitting here, right?”

  “Ha. I’m only here for the cheeseburgers,” I say.

  “Good to know.” Sean glances at his menu, slides it to the edge and drums his fingers on the table. “So, I have to ask you something. Todd wants us to go to Prom with them, as a group. Did Kallie mention that?”

  “No, that’s weird. Anybody else in this group I should know about?”

  “I don’t know, it got complicated. Chris and Laura are going with Molly and Brian, and Molly’s supposed to be doubling with Jane and whoever her date is. Todd said anything with Molly won’t go over well with Kallie, which means Todd and Kallie are on their own unless—”

  “Unless we go with them. Ugh. I need a Venn diagram to keep track of everyone who can and can’t stand each other.” I pretend to scrutinize the menu rather than the decision. “Well gosh, I don’t know why Todd wouldn’t want to go to Prom with his current girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, and his side piece. What a missed opportunity for him.” I roll my eyes.

  “Yeah,” Sean laughs. “He must not be one for drama.”

  “Sure, we can go with them, it just … I don’t know. To be honest, it sucks. She’s my best friend and I have to watch her hanging out with such a … such a—”

  “Fuckwad. I believe that’s the politically correct term.”

  Smiling, I put the menu down. Then back up, over my face. “Shit. Speaking of fuckwads, guess who just walked in? Don’t turn around.”

  Sean turns around, then raises an eyebrow and smirks. “Ahemmmm, Chip Ryan. Your ex-lover.”

  “Gross. Hardly my lover.”

  “Really? Meaning you weren’t in love with him, or you never—you know? You two were dating for a while, right?

  “Ugh. Not that I want to get into it right now, but we were only dating for a couple months and we never …”

  Our server bounces up to the table, popping his head over my menu. “Hey there, I’m Jake, I’ll be your server. You two ready to order or ya need more time?”

  Good save. Thanks Jake. We order and Sean leaves for the bathroom. Of course Chip sees me. Of course. He’s probably got an app that alerts him whenever we’re within a hundred feet of each other. As he glides my way, I chant over and over in my head: please don’t come up to me, please don’t come up to me, please don’t.

  “Bree?” he yells. “Hey Bree!” He sidles right up against the table. “How’s it goin’? I see you’re here with that football player guitar guy. Interesting.”

  “His name’s Sean.”

  “I knew that. So, is Sean your new boyfriend or something? He takin’ you to Prom?”

  “Chip, I’m pretty sure I’ve told you that I’m not really trying to be friends, okay? It’s not your business.”

  “Oh, sure. I get it. I can’t talk to you in front of your new friends. Give me a break. You know these guys are idiots.”

  And then as if it wasn’t bad enough, Jane slides up next to Chip. I shoot him a dagger. Thanks for shouting me out Chip.

  “Well, look what the cat drug in. With Chip Ryan. Am I interrupting a drug deal or something?”

  I glare. “Sorry Jane, we’re out of Go-Go Juice this week. Did you need another ride somewhere?”

  “So, you two are hanging out now too?” asks Chip.

  “I was just coming over here to congratulate Bree here on officially stealing my Prom date. Guess all’s fair in love and war, right?”

  I narrow my eyes at her. “Love?”

  Chip pushes Sean’s sweatshirt over and sits across from me. “You’re really going to Prom with him?”

  Jane leans in over the table, gripping the edge with both hands. “She sure is. After he already said he’d go with me. You two haven’t even been hanging out that long. Have you had sex with him yet?” She blinks her chunky spider leggy lashes.

  Chip watches us like a movie.

  My anger steamrolls the anxiety that’s been fizzing in my stomach since Chip walked up. My teeth unclench as I glare into Jane’s eyes. “Are you done here?”

  “Just what I thought,” she says. “You know, I’m a big contender for Prom Queen and I don’t even have a fucking date now. Which smells a lot like horseshit if you ask me. I’m not trying to be mean, but you don’t stand a chance so there’s no reason for you to use up one of our king nominees, especially one of the good ones.”

  “Not trying to be mean.” Chip laughs.

  “Use up?” The anger pushes me to my feet as I leer back at her. “It’s not my fault that no one wants to go with you. I mean, you’re walking into a diner with a tiara on your head. Your attention whoring is so goddamned sad.”

  Jane sighs, shaking her head slowly. “Really? Ouch. That hurts right here.” She makes a duckface and cups her left boob.

  “It’s not my fault the guy you’re screwing has a girlfriend he obviously isn’t going to leave. At least not before Prom.”

  Jane squishes her lips into a tight “O” and raises her chin.

  I continue, “You and Todd do have something in common, though. You don’t give a shit about anyone else, and he doesn’t give a shit about you.” The permabitch grin leaves her face for another split second so I smile, “Maybe you should decline your nomination like Maisey did.”

  “Good call,” says Chip. “Yeah Jane, how about you off yourself the way Maisey did, too.”

  Jane’s face falls and her words come out in almost a whisper. “Screw you, Chip.”

  “No, screw you,” he answers. “Everyone knows Maisey killed herself because you’re such a bitch.”

  Jane’s eyes glisten as she pulls her shoulders back, and the way her fists open and close have me worried she might throw a punch.

  “What’s up, guys?” Sean steps between me and Jane and there’s a wave of Thank God, as he places a hand on each of our shoulders.

  Jane adjusts her crown and faces Sean. “Just talking to Bree here, you know, details about Prom, your sex life. All sorts of TMI, but don’t worry, my lips are sealed.” She narrows her eyes, “For now, anyway. Later, guys.” She walks off.

  “You sittin’ here?” Chip asks Sean from the booth.

  “Yep,” answers Sean. “Pretty sure that’s my sweatshirt you’re sitting on.”

  “Sorry man. My bad.” Chip gets up and Sean moves past him to sit back down in the booth.

  “You okay over here?” Sean says looking from Chip to me.

  “Yeah, I’m fine.” I slide back into my seat.

  “Yeah, man, she’s all right. I was just saying hi.” He turns to me. “See ya Bree.”

  I exhale as Chip walks away. “Oh my god. I don’t get why he can’t leave me alone. I’m beginning to think I can’t go anywhere with you without running into my two favorite people.”

  “Hang on a second, okay?” Sean asks.

  “Sure.”

  He slides out of the booth, takes a few long strides up to Chip and grabs his shoulder.

  Chip’s bony shoulder hunches beneath Sean’s hand. He looks as skinny as he’s always been, but for the first time I notice the way his spine wears his T-shirt. He faces Sean and they have an exchange that I can’t make out, but Chip looks intimidated and a little pissed as he looks back and forth from Sean to where I’m sitting. I feign a deep interest in the white marbled tabletop.

  Sean returns as Chip leaves my sightline, not looking back.

  “What was that all about?” I ask.

  “Just guy to guy stuff, but I think we’re okay now. You sure you’re all right?”

  “Now that you’re back, yes.”

  “So what’d I miss?” he asks.

  “You missed out on a
really great time, great friends, great conversation. Just three besties catching up.”

  “Sounds like it. Care to give me the scoop on what Jane meant by ‘our sex life’? Must be pretty racy if even Jane couldn’t stand it.”

  ****

  “Wooooooohooooo!” Kallie shouts through my receiver. “You, me, Todd, and Sean doubling for Prom? We’re going to have the best time ever. I was scared for a minute ’cause no way did I want to triple or quadruple date with Molly and Jane. Hell’s no.”

  “Well, when Sean told me your options I knew there was no way you’d let that fly.”

  “It was probably Molly’s idea. She’s still totally in love with him.”

  “She’s crazy. And not funny crazy.”

  “Yeah, she’s bananas crazy.” I hear Kal suck air through the phone and then a short silence. “Bree?”

  “Yeah?”

  “You’re going to be nice to Todd, right? I know he’s not your favorite person, but I really don’t want it to be awkward.”

  Too late for that. “Um, yeah, c’mon, what do you think I’m going to do? Bring out a lie detector and strap him into a chair?”

  “Ha ha, I hope not. Maybe you can let that stuff go? I just don’t want it to be weird between everyone.”

  “Kallie, I’m not going to ruin anyone’s night if that’s what you’re thinking. I want to have fun too. This is supposed to be the most magical night of our teenagerdom, isn’t it? Who am I to mess with that?”

  ****

  NINETEEN

  Something about dealing with Jane today, seeing Sean handle Chip, and me letting Kallie’s stuff go makes me feel brave or clearer headed. Or maybe I’m just over being scared. When I lay my head down, like every night, the crinkle of Maisey’s envelope in my pillowcase sends my heart racing, the back of my neck gets hot and prickly, and tears spring to my eyes. My breath usually slows down once I tell myself, I’ll read it tomorrow, for sure. But this time I don’t say that. Tonight I’m reading it.

  The cool cotton of the pillowcase meets the warmth of my palm. Trying to relax, I breathe until the air isn’t shallow in my throat. I pull the envelope all the way out, sit up cross-legged, and click my lamp on.