A Distant Heart

by Sonali Dev

  That made him laugh. His entire face crinkled when he laughed, and she found herself laughing too as though his laughter were an infection. And she was good at catching those.

  “Why don’t you come outside and see for yourself how hot it is?” He studied her with suddenly curious eyes that seemed to get gentler the more they studied her.

  “I can’t.”

  “Why?”

  “Because if I breathe air that isn’t treated to get rid of all the pathogens in it I’ll catch an infection and end up dead.”

  “For real?”

  “Can you end up dead for pretend?”

  He smiled and then looked sad and then smiled again.

  She often did this herself when something made her happy and then she thought of everything that was wrong and then she decided not to think about that part of it and she was happy again.

  “So why were you really in London?”

  “Because my parents thought the doctors there could make me well. But all they can do is try and prevent infections until someone else finds a way to make me well.”

  “And until then you can’t leave your room?”

  She nodded.

  “That’s terrible.”

  “It’s not so bad.”

  He watched her and she frowned at him. “Okay, it’s pretty awful. But the social worker in London told me that if I can train my brain to only think about the present moment, then it would be easier to get through.”

  He looked thoughtful. “She’s right.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because it makes sense. How long do you have to be inside?”

  “Until they come up with a cure for my condition.”

  “That makes sense too. What do you do in there?” He pointed his rag at the room behind her.

  “I go to school via videoconferencing. Do my lessons, watch TV, play video games, and read a whole lot. And don’t say that makes sense because you sound like a broken record.”

  He pursed his lips as though he was trying to stop himself from smiling. “Well, you have to be ready for life outside when they let you out, now, don’t you?”

  She made a face. Because, ugh, it made sense. And that made her want to giggle again.

  “School via videoconferencing? That sounds very science fiction. And fantastic.”

  “It’s really not. Especially not algebra.”

  “Why?”

  “I hate algebra.”

  “It’s my favorite subject.”

  “Are you mad? How can xs and ys be anyone’s favorite subject?”

  “Because they’re not just xs and ys. They could basically be anyone or anything.” He grinned that cocky grin again, totally thrilled with his own cleverness.

  Come to think of it, it was pretty clever. “Will you teach me?”

  “From across a window?”

  Well, that was a problem. She could ask him to come inside, but she knew Mamma and Papa would never, ever allow it.

  He was grinning again and she frowned at him. “What’s funny?”

  “You think really loudly. I can almost hear it. So, no one can come inside your room?”

  “You can come inside one part of it, but you have to wear a mask and gloves and whatnot.”

  He looked down at himself. “And wearing bird shit the way I am wouldn’t work, huh? Let’s try to do it like this. You want to show me your problems through the window?”

  She grabbed her homework off the desk and came back to the French doors. “Can you do quadratic equations?”

  His eyes actually lit up.

  14

  Rahul

  Present day

  Kimi had brought Rahul a chocolate bar once from one of her stays in Switzerland. It was smooth chocolate wrapped around this sticky hard toffee filled with silky mousse. All these layers of melting softness folded in with toughness that almost took out his teeth. He’d teased her that it reminded him of her. She’d countered that it was all still sweet and that’s what mattered.

  She was such a mix of soft and tough that Rahul never knew where she was going to fall on any given day. Okay, so he was lying, he always knew. Ever since her surgery he had tried to convince himself that she only fell on the side of tough, but that wasn’t true. She was just protecting herself after he had hurt her.

  He wasn’t proud of it. But when she had come to him with all her feelings in her eyes, with her metaphorical heart in her hands when the new physical one in her chest had barely decided if it wanted to stay, he hadn’t been able to lead her on. She was his best friend, his only friend. But that’s all he could ever feel for her. That was all they could ever be.

  He watched her watch Nikhil and Nikki pack up the last of their bags with eyes he could only describe as hungry. She looked like Mohit when Aie told him not to touch the sweet wheat laddoos she had made because they were on order for a customer. Nikhil was trailing Nikki, anticipating her actions and trying to calm her. The bastard seemed to have no trouble putting how he felt about Nikki; about his first wife, Jen; about the whole bloody world right out there where everybody could see it. It didn’t even seem to strike him that he was exposing himself.

  Rahul had witnessed firsthand the mess Nikhil had been after Jen’s death. How the man could be like this again, after he had lost it all once, Rahul would never know. The discomfort in Rahul’s belly had decided it was recklessness and wouldn’t let him acknowledge that it might very well be something else entirely. Nikki seemed much more comfortable with Nikhil’s single-minded brand of attention than she had been when Rahul had first become friends with them just months ago.

  After that incident when he had shot Asif and put him in a coma, Rahul had spent a lot of time interrogating both Nic and Nikki and also trying to get answers for them. Somehow it had been easy to become friends with them, and to hang out in Nikki’s flat. It had been a long time since he had felt so at home around someone. How the hell did Khan know how to pick on the people Rahul cared most about?

  Thank God, Nikhil and Nikki were headed to Chicago today to visit Nikhil’s family and attend his niece’s naming ceremony. A police escort was going to take them to the airport and, hopefully, once they got on that plane, Asif would not be able to reach them. He wished he could take them to the airport himself, but taking Kimi back there was out of the question, and leaving her alone wasn’t happening either.

  “We’re going to get a doggie when we come back,” Nikki’s little boy, Joy, said to Rahul in that way kids had of throwing out random thoughts that were weighing on their minds. “Right, Dr. Nic?”

  “That’s the plan,” Nikhil said, snapping one of the suitcases shut as Joy ran circles around him.

  “What kind of doggie?” Kimi asked Joy.

  “A golden retriever!” Nikhil and Joy both said together.

  Kimi frowned. “A golden retriever is too big and hairy for an apartment this size,” she said in her Kimi-the-Know-It-All voice.

  Joy and Nikhil matched Kimi’s frown.

  Nikki smiled at Kimi. “Thank you!”

  “Are you a doggie expert, then?” Joy was clearly not thrilled with Kimi the Know-It-All. He was usually completely thrilled with everyone.

  Kimi looked undaunted by the disappointment on Joy’s face.

  “No, but I did an interview with an expert last month and I did a lot of research.” She did love her research. “I can help you find a dog who will be happy and healthy in a flat.”

  The disappointment on Joy’s face lifted a little. Nikhil winked at him. “Ah, an expert! I don’t think Mamma can say no if an expert picks out the dog.”

  Nikki narrowed her eyes at Nikhil, but Joy ran up to Kimi, picking up on Nikhil’s cue like a pro. “Can it be brown? I want a brown doggie.”

  Kimi pulled out a little notepad from her humongous, also very purple, handbag and started taking notes. “I think that can be managed. Other requirements?”

  “Cute.”

  “Doable.”

  Befor
e she had finished jotting down his list, which included things like “can bark really loud,” Joy was perched on Kimi’s lap and pouring out his considerable excitement about traveling to America to her.

  “Maybe we should cancel our trip,” Nikki said to Rahul, keeping her voice low enough that Joy wouldn’t hear. “It feels wrong to take off like this. What if you need us?”

  “What’s he going to need us for?” Nikhil asked. “You’re not sticking around where that psychopath can find you.” He pulled her into his lap. “Stop worrying. Rahul’s got this.”

  She pushed Nic’s hair off his forehead, the gesture so intimate Rahul looked away. He caught Kimi across the room throw her head back and laugh at something Joy said. Her usually perfect ponytail had slid a little askance on her head. Trying to run from a bomb would do that to you.

  “Nikhil’s right. I think you’re safer out of the country,” Rahul said. It would be three fewer people to worry about.

  Across the room, Joy asked Kimi if she had ever been to America.

  She threw a quick look at Rahul, turning away when she caught him watching her, and started telling Joy about her Almost American College Experience. Rahul tried not to feel that familiar kick of anger in his gut. How could she talk with such ease about all the things she had missed out on and lost? But she could and she proved it by filling Joy in on all the details with a smile on her face, and then went on to describe all the fun things he could do in Chicago. There was that research again.

  So, yes, the sight of her chatting away with Joy on her lap with her too-wide smile reaching her too-wide eyes messed with Rahul’s theory about her having turned hard. Truth was she still fell squarely on the side of soft, much less these days than she used to, thank God, but still far too much for his liking. Sometimes it made him want to throw himself between her and the world and shield her somehow, made him want to tell her to hide her feelings away and build some armor. But he had sworn to help her live on her own terms, with complete freedom. He had let her go. Except, here they were with her in need of protection again and hating him for it.

  He hated himself for it too.

  “How long have you been in love with her?” Nikhil asked looking very amused with himself. At least he had the good sense to lower his voice.

  Rahul had liked Nikhil much more when he was grumpy as shit and Rahul could barely get a word out of him.

  “She’s a friend, Nikhil.” That’s all he was going to say. Because people loved to invoke the theory of overprotestation.

  “Right,” Nikhil said with no more than a smirk and turned to more important matters. “So we go off to Chicago today, and then what?”

  “Then you stay there until that bastard is inside a hole in the earth.”

  This was the difference between men and women. Nikhil knew Rahul didn’t want to talk about something and he let it go. If Nikki or Aie or, God forbid, Kimi, asked him a question to which she thought she already knew the answer, they’d be going around and around in circles about it all day.

  Nikki looked like she might pick it up again, but Kimi walked over to them. She had just shown Joy an encyclopedia of dog breeds on his new laptop, and he seemed to have forgotten how to blink.

  Nikki smiled at her. “Thanks,” she said and threw Joy a look that reminded Rahul of his aie. “You know we’re going to have to get him a dog now.”

  “Sorry,” Kimi’s smile was wide enough that those crooked canines made an appearance. He hadn’t realized how much he had missed them.

  “Sure you are,” Nikhil said, smiling in a way Rahul wished he could still smile at her. “It was only a matter of time anyway. And he’s not going to look up from that thing on the entire plane ride, so thanks, seriously.”

  Nikki threw Rahul a tentative look. “Once Asif is gone, much as I want him dead, we’ll never find out who was behind everything we went through.” She got off Nikhil’s lap and sat down next to him. “We’ll never find the man who blackmailed me and sent me after Nikhil.”

  “Is Asif the only person who has that answer?” Kimi asked. “No suspects or clues as to who the person might be?”

  “I’ve never seen the man’s face,” Nikki said through barely clenched teeth. She wasn’t one for displays of emotion, but between her tightly controlled anger and Nikhil’s wide-open rage, the atmosphere in the room visibly darkened. “All his interactions with me were over the phone. Then after Asif got shot, the man all but disappeared.”

  “And he hasn’t called you again since Asif escaped?” Kimi laid a soothing hand on Nikki’s arm.

  The gesture seemed to melt through all of Nikki’s stoicism, and for a moment her eyes seemed to fill before she squeezed Kimi’s hand and got a hold of herself. “No he hasn’t.”

  Rahul went to Nikki and squatted in front of her. “He knows that you have no idea who he is. He also knows that you gave the evidence to the police and there was nothing to implicate him in the evidence but enough to put Asif away. If he’s as smart as we think he is, he isn’t going to contact you again. Asif on the other hand is a loose cannon who’s entirely unpredictable. So, I’m glad you’re leaving.”

  Nikhil moved in closer next to her. “Our flight leaves in a few hours. Everything’s going to be all right.”

  “So after all he’s done, he’s going to get away with it. With protecting Asif Khan’s organ-stealing operation and allowing hundreds of people to die.”

  Kimi put her arm around Nikki as though she’d known her all her life. Her eyes shone with fierceness. “I have a feeling we’re going to find out who the man is. Rahul put five bullets in Khan and he’s still alive. I think everything happens for a reason. We have to believe that Khan survived for a reason. You will find out who did that to you. Rahul will make sure of it.”

  And for all her anger at him, her voice held not a shred of doubt.

  15

  Kimi

  Present day

  Bidding farewell to Joy, Nic, and Nikki was the strangest experience. It had been all of a couple of hours since Kimi had first met them and still she felt this quiet sense of loss. Meeting them had sparked something inside her, something she could only describe as potential, this little beat of joy at the possibility of a new friendship, and now she had to put it away until she saw them again.

  For some reason Kimi had always believed that she would have a hard time sharing Rahul with the world. But she had completely misunderstood her own isolation and bought into everyone else’s opinion of her life. Being isolated didn’t mean that your world revolved around you. Isolation was characterized by craving, by the insatiable need for contact and an almost constant reminder of your own insufficiency. Contrary to what people believed about her, she didn’t believe that she was the center of her universe. She was in fact someone whose entire existence focused on wanting a universe she could be part of.

  Maybe that’s why she had let Rahul become her entire universe, and wanted nothing more than to be a satellite and revolve around him. What an idiot she had been. No wonder he didn’t want her. She wouldn’t want someone that needy and parasitic either.

  But as Dr. Girija, who had been Kimi’s doctor for as long as she could remember, loved to say, Kimi was proof that every mistake could be fixed. Her doctor never seemed to address the fact that each fix had come with yet another mistake, but that wasn’t the point now, was it?

  Maybe she had finally succeeded in her quest to disconnect from Rahul, because she had expected to feel lost, even jealous, seeing Rahul with his friends. Instead it had given her an entirely unexpected sense of wholeness. Was this how the world worked and stayed together? Where one person connected with another and those connections intertwined and snapped more and more people into place? There was something beautiful about the idea: this circular, interlaced fabric of the world, which until now she had been left out of. And today three people who loved one another and who obviously loved Rahul had taken her in and made her part of that tapestry.

  The good-bye ha
d teared Rahul up. Not on the outside, naturally. He was Rahul, after all. His tears always stayed on the inside. It was something Kimi had seen him do countless number of times with her but never with anyone else. Until now. When Joy had body-hugged him, arms and legs and all, he had held Joy tight, and she had felt all his choking up in her own throat.

  Nikhil and Nikki had both assured her everything was going to be okay. Nikhil had even tried to convince her that she and Rahul should go to Chicago with them. Asif Khan couldn’t reach any of them in Chicago.

  Even if getting an American visa hadn’t been the long drawn-out process that made this impossible, running off to America would solve nothing. She would find no answers there. Her answers lay somewhere else entirely, and she needed them so she could start afresh and leave her old encumbered satellite self behind once and for all.

  When she’d left home that morning she’d had a goal, and a plan to achieve it. So, her plan had been derailed, as plans often are, so what? Her goal hadn’t changed and now she had a new plan. Problem was she needed Rahul to go along with it. Thankfully, she had a plan for that too. That should be her middle name: Kimaya Hasa-Plan Patil.

  She threw a quick look at him as he navigated Maney’s wife’s car through Mumbai’s unfailingly choked up traffic. Looking at him for extended periods of time was too much of a throwback to her good old satellite days, and she would much rather not revert to those, thank you very much.

  As usual, he looked deep in thought and tortured by something. Fair enough—there was currently much to be tortured about.

  Even though it was a quick look, he caught her before she looked away. “Don’t you want to know where we’re going?” he said to her turned-away head, a blast of emotion slipping through all that restraint in his voice.

  “How does it matter where we’re going?” she wanted to say. But she couldn’t say it without sounding like a pathetic little bird that had been caught in a net moments before its first flight. So she mirrored him and stayed silent.