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by Jackie Pilossoph

  “Fucker!” came out of my mouth so naturally it was scary.

  This made Laura laugh, but then she went right back into bawling, and continued crying in my arms for a little while longer. “You know, maybe I am just a self-righteous bitch. Maybe God’s punishing me. Maybe I deserve all this because I’m so quick to pass judgment on other people.”

  “No Laura,” I said, “God isn’t punishing you. You’re a good person. You are who you are, and you strive for perfection. And maybe that’s not always the best thing, but I can’t think of anyone I respect and admire more than you. Professionally and personally.”

  “Thank you,” she said through tears.

  “You’re learning. So am I. So is Mom. None of us asked for this single life. But we got it. And we have to figure out how to live with it and be happy. For now, I think we’re doing the best we can. It’s brutal, but we’re strong women. All of us.” I realized right then, that if I actually listened to the way I had just spoken to Laura, I’d probably be a lot better off in life. I had impressed myself with my words. But I was a hypocrite because I wasn’t living by them. I was too busy being pissed off.

  “I love you, Emmie,” she said. Then she lay down on the bed, still fully clothed. “I’m so tired.”

  “Then sleep,” I said softly.

  I played with my sister’s hair until she fell asleep. Then I took off her shoes and kissed her cheek. And then I did the strangest thing. I went back to my room, quickly put on a little bit of make-up, grabbed a pair of True Religions, slipped a cute top over my head, and put on some heels. I scribbled a quick note and left it on the guest room nightstand. It read, “I’ll be back in half an hour.” The odds that anyone was going to wake up in the next thirty minutes were slim to none, but I didn’t want them to worry, if in fact they did, and I wasn’t there. With two sprays of perfume I was out the door, and headed to none other than Casa de Michael to let Dan know how Laura’s sister felt about him.

  During the three minute drive over there, all I could think about was how much I was looking forward to going off on this asshole who caused my sister pain. Under normal circumstances, I would never, ever do anything like this. But I wasn’t normal these days. I was an angry, bitter person who thrived on this kind of thing. I now liked confrontation. I was at war. Looking back, I was fighting myself. But at the time, all I wanted to do was get into battle with anyone who would play, all because I was so totally unhappy. And tonight, Dan was the enemy.

  When I walked into the Mexican bar and restaurant, I saw him right away, the guy who I thought was so charming at the divorce party, but who now just looked like a slimy jerk. He was giddy and his hands were all over his new young girlfriend. He didn’t seem the least bit fazed by the episode that had occurred half an hour earlier. It now made sense that Tony’s date had to leave the party the second she laid eyes on her ex-husband. God only knew what he had done to her.

  It was time to rumble. I rolled my shoulders back, took a deep breath and approached the opponent.

  “Hi,” I said.

  Dan looked right at me, his wide grin fading a bit. “Do I know you?” he asked. I guess I didn’t make an impression on him at the party.

  “I’m Emma…Laura’s sister.”

  “Oh,” he said curtly.

  Now came the silence. It was actually a staring contest. I stood there and waited for him to say something else. After a few moments he caved. “So what do you want?”

  “What do I want?” I asked, my voice rising steadily, “What do I want?”

  Dan stood up. Amber just sat there with a worried look on her face. “Look, I feel really bad about that whole thing.”

  “How dare you!” I shouted. I could feel my face turning red and my body shaking. “My sister is a human being! She has feelings! And she’s going through a really hard time right now. And she liked you! And depended on you! And this is how you treat her?”

  “Hey, I’m sorry!” he pleaded.

  “No you’re not. After tonight you’ll never even think about her again. You’ll move on and focus on your current victim.” I looked at Amber and finished, “Until you’ve had enough of her too. Then you’ll do the same thing to her!”

  “Shut up, bitch!” Amber said to me.

  I had to give the girl credit. I liked the offensive. I had respect for it, probably because I looked up to anyone who got angry. Plus, it wasn’t really her fault. So I ignored her, looked back at the perpetrator and said in a low, calm voice, “You sicken me. Don’t ever bother my sister again. You’re a disgusting pig. And I can only hope she didn’t catch anything from you.” Then I turned around and headed for the door.

  I heard Dan shout, “That’s really nice!”

  Then Amber shouted, “Screw you!”

  Their comments actually made me laugh, and I felt pretty good about what I’d just accomplished. I was so glad I’d come here and defended my sister. She deserved it. But I couldn’t lie to myself. Part of me had done this for me. I couldn’t deny that I had gotten great satisfaction from going off on Dan.

  Then, just as I was walking out of the bar, my next enemy, a Mr. Luke Sullivan, happened to be walking in. The sight of him simultaneously disgusted and excited me. Half of me hated him. Half of me adored him so much it was frightening. I was about as indecisive as Izzie gets at Baskin Robbins, trying to choose between mint chocolate chip and bubble gum ice-cream.

  “Hi, Emma!” Luke exclaimed. Then he put his arms around me and gave me a bear hug. Another guy walked in right behind him. Luke pulled away and introduced me. “This is my buddy, Rick Solomon. Rick and I work together. Rick, this is Emma Bloom.” I shook hands with Rick and tried to smile while focusing on the fact that Luke had introduced me as “Emma Bloom,” not “my friend Emma Bloom” or “my good friend Emma Bloom,” or “Emma Bloom, the girl who recently came to my house and lost it, and now I have no clue what she is to me.” Luke had to introduce me as only “Emma Bloom” because he really didn’t know what I was to him. And that’s when I made the decision to call him on it.

  “Luke, can I talk to you?”

  “Sure,” he said. Then he looked at his friend and said, “I’ll meet you at the bar.”

  Rick nodded. “Nice meeting you, Emma,” he smiled.

  “You too,” I responded with a sugary smile, as I watched him walk away. Rick was kind of cute. Maybe for Laura, I thought. I did a quick left hand check and saw the gold band, however, and quickly dismissed the idea.

  “You look hot!” Luke flirted, “If I was Bradley Cooper, I’d be all over you tonight!”

  I stood there, unable to speak.

  “So, what’s up cutie?”

  Cutie? How could he be so nonchalant? A week earlier, I’d been at his house, pouring my guts out, divulging private information, and basically letting him into my soul. Since that night, I’d heard nothing from the man. Nothing! And now, upon randomly running into him at a bar, he was acting like we were old friends. It was infuriating!

  I took a deep breath and asked him the question to which I needed an answer, the question that was literally driving me insane. “Luke, what are we?” I asked.

  He seemed confused. “What?”

  “What are we?” I repeated, my body beginning to shiver and my teeth now clenched.

  “What do you mean?” he said with a nervous chuckle.

  My voice began to rise. “I mean, what are we? Are we friends? Are we more?” Now I was almost shouting. “I need to know.” I paused for dramatic effect and then said very slowly and loud, “What…are…we?”

  Luke stood there in frozen, as if he was digesting the question I’d just asked him four times. “What is it, Emma? What’s the matter?”

  I looked right into his eyes and said, “Luke, I need an answer from you. What are we? What am I to you?”

  “You’re my friend,” he said with a smile, “My good friend.”

  I gasped, my mouth wide open, as if I just heard something extremely offensive. As for Luke,
he had this look on his face like he felt he just said something wrong.

  “Friend?” I asked sarcastically, “I’m your friend?”

  “Well, maybe that’s not entirely true.”

  “You know what, Luke? This is what I think of you. Either you have a girlfriend, or you just don’t like me, or…you’re gay. I haven’t figured it out yet.”

  Luke chuckled, “Well, I’m not gay, so you can rule that one out.”

  “That’s hilarious,” I snapped.

  “And I don’t have a girlfriend, and I do like you.”

  “Then why are you so hot and cold? Why are you there and then not there?”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “How so?”

  “It just is.”

  “That’s it?” I shouted, “That’s all you’re going to say?”

  “For now,” he said softly.

  “You know what?” I shouted, “I don’t want to be friends with you. You’re a shitty friend! Don’t call me anymore. And don’t text me either. You’re never there for me when I really need you, so get out of my life!” I opened the door to leave, but turned around first to say, “And by the way, that kiss the other night…it wasn’t that great!”

  Luke was just standing there with a confused look on his face, and I could feel the stares from Rick and Dan and a couple other people in the bar as I angrily walked out. I didn’t care, though. I was done with Luke Sullivan. In fact, I was done with men period. I hated them all. Luke, Preston, Dan, Sam, and even my own father. Men were the enemy. That was the bottom line. I decided right then, at that moment, I would never let another man hurt me ever again.

  I had no idea that at this moment, a beautiful woman who was sitting at the bar listening to me rant and rave, had gotten up and followed me out.

  .

  Chapter 22

  I hit the unlock button on my car remote, and was about to open the car door when I heard a voice. “Excuse me…”

  I turned around. Standing before me was an absolutely gorgeous woman who looked about my age. She appeared very pure, with goodness radiating off her light, milky skin. I wondered for a second if she was real, or if I was hallucinating.

  “Yes?” I responded.

  “I just overheard that fight you had with your boyfriend,” she said with her big, beautiful, very red lips.

  Why I was focused on a woman’s lips, I couldn’t say. But I was. I was mesmerized by all of her, in fact. I was strangely attracted. Did I have a girl crush?

  Her body was fit, but curvy and feminine too. And her long, black, wavy hair complimented her light skin and big blue eyes. She took her tiny, sparkling headband off and slowly shook her head, her hair swaying back and forth.

  “That guy isn’t my boyfriend,” I answered, “trust me.”

  She gave me a sympathy smile and said softly, “Well whoever he is, he upset you. And I was wondering if you wanted to go across the street and have a drink.” She motioned to Stella’s, a tiny wine bar that stood a few feet away.

  I was completely confused, wondering why a woman was asking me out for a drink. The look on my face must have been obvious because she added, “It’s just a drink. Come. It’ll be fun.”

  What was happening was almost surreal. It was as if this woman had just appeared here to help me. I didn’t understand it, but for some odd reason, it didn’t matter. Accepting her invitation seemed natural, like it was what I was supposed to do. “Okay, sure,” I said.

  She extended her hand and smiled, “I’m Alice.” Her light blue eyes smiled too, and I found them so pretty, I was embarrassed and had to look away.

  “I’m Emma,” I managed, shaking her hand.

  No more than five minutes later, Alice and I were sitting at Stella’s sipping Pinot Noir out of big, wide wine glasses. “So tell me,” said Alice, “What did that guy do to you?”

  “He didn’t do anything,” I answered, “that’s the problem.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Well, my life basically stinks.”

  Alice didn’t pity me, nor did she judge me. She just asked matter-of-factly, “Why?”

  “I just had a miscarriage, and the father has basically forgotten my number, my sister’s going through a divorce and just got screwed by one of those assholes in Casa de Michael, my parents just split up, my mother is living with me, and I’m not really speaking to my dad.”

  “That’s a lot,” replied Alice.

  “One more thing. I can’t figure out how to become Bradley Cooper’s girlfriend.”

  “That actually sounds like the biggest problem of all of them,” she joked.

  I smiled sadly. “Told you my life stinks.”

  “Look, I don’t know you at all, so please take this for what it’s worth, an outsider’s perspective, completely unbiased.”

  “Sure.”

  “First of all, I’m so sorry about your baby. I know what that feels like. I had a miscarriage also.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry.”

  “Thank you,” she said with a sad smile, “It was a long time ago.” Then she continued, “Here’s what I think. There are a lot of things that are out of your control—your parents, your sister, your baby… But do you realize how much you can fix?”

  I was listening so intently that nothing in the world, including a fire, earthquake or major tornado could have taken my attention away from beautiful Alice.

  “Do you?” she asked.

  “How?” I asked, “How do I fix it?”

  “With a new perspective, a new attitude about things,” she began. And as I sat there listening, I was also gazing at her. She truly was a lovely person. I could never in my life remember being infatuated with a female like I was with Alice. She had a way of explaining things without being judgmental. Her message was harsh, but the delivery gentle. She was smart, but not a know-it-all. And she was empathetic, but not pitying.

  “May I ask you a question?” she said.

  “Sure.”

  “What do you do professionally?”

  “Well, I have a daughter. She’s six. I stay at home with her. Alice, I’m a widow. My husband had a pretty good insurance policy.” I put my head down.

  “You seem ashamed of that,” said Alice, “Don’t be. Being a mother is very important.”

  “Thanks,” I smiled.

  Alice was smiling at me, and so were her pretty blue eyes. “Emma, when you’re not with your daughter, what do you like to do? I mean, for yourself? What are your interests?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Come on,” she urged, “There’s got to be something. What did you do before you got married?”

  “I was a pharmaceutical rep, but I never really loved that job.”

  “What do you like to do?”

  “I can’t tell you. It’s silly.”

  “Just say it.”

  “Salsa,” I said, “I like making salsa. Lots of salsa. I can’t stop.” I explained to Alice how I had at least twenty-five salsa recipes, and that I made so much of it so often, that I had now begun putting it in large jars and giving them to my neighbors.

  “That’s so cool,” she exclaimed, “Have you ever thought about going into business?”

  “Actually, my sister tells me I should all the time.”

  “Well, it sounds like you have the time, and you don’t need money right now. Plus, there’s not much upfront money involved. You really should think about it.”

  “What do you do, Alice?” I asked.

  She explained that she worked for a huge publishing company and was an advertising sales executive for three of their largest magazines. I wasn’t surprised that she was in such a lucrative career and in a prestigious position. Alice seemed like she made a good living, and it was so obvious she was a hard worker, determined and driven. She was everything I wanted to be in this regard.

  “Think about the salsa business,” she said to me, “I have a good feeling about it.”

  “Okay, thanks,” I smiled, so ap
preciative of the free professional advice and motivational speech.

  “So, tell me about the baby. Was that guy in the bar the father?”

  I let out a laugh. “No!” Then I proceeded to tell Alice all about Preston, and I mean all about Preston. For some reason, it was easy to spill out the stories I’d kept to myself for so long. There was only so much I could share with Laura, only so far I could go, given my sister’s conservative personality. But with Alice, I felt safe telling her in much more detail, the things that went on between Preston and me.

  Interestingly enough, I found that as I poured out the steamy details of our relationship, I was gleaming, almost as if I was reliving it.

  “Listen to the way you talk about this man,” said Alice, “It sounds as if he was wonderful for you.”

  “Yeah, but it’s over.”

  “So what? At least you had it. Most women can only dream of experiencing the kind of passion you’ve experienced. You had sex that took your breath away, a connection that found its way into your core. What a wonderful gift!”

  This was the moment everything changed. “Oh my God!” I exclaimed, “You’re right!”

  Alice smiled, “Just enjoy the past and enjoy now. Don’t worry so much about the future.”

  Alice was right. Even though my relationship with Preston ended the way it did, the relationship itself was special and important and lovely. How could I be angry at him when he gave me such wonderful memories?

  “As I’ve gotten older,” she said, “I’ve come to appreciate relationships and people for what they are. I don’t see things in black and white anymore. It’s not all or nothing for me now. It’s okay if people turn out to be something in between. And I’ve been lucky enough to have been involved with some truly delightful people.”

  I started laughing a little bit. “It’s so weird. I’m not angry with Preston anymore. He helped me through a very difficult period in my life.”

  “See?” she replied.