The War Within

by Yolanda Wallace

  She had been in Vietnam since August. She had seen more in those four months than she had in her previous twenty-three years. Bodies broken, mangled, and burned beyond recognition. She had become a nurse so she could help those in need, but as the casualty count continued to rise, she couldn’t tell if her efforts were making a difference.

  How could she stay and witness another year of horror? But how could she go and leave the men and women she served with to fight the battle without her? She didn’t want to leave the people she loved behind. Robinson, George, Lt. Col. Daniels, the men and women in her unit. She loved them all. One more than the rest. One she thought about constantly. Couldn’t imagine ever being without. Yet the possibility—the very real possibility—existed that they would soon part.

  She shook her head to clear her thoughts. The future was too uncertain and the present was no sure thing. For now, nothing else mattered except the next three days.

  “Have you ever been to Vũng Tàu?” she asked.

  “No. This is my first trip.”

  Meredith felt as if she and Robinson were finally on equal footing, a plateau she had been trying to reach since the day they met. Why had it taken so long for them to reach common ground? Now that they were here, Meredith didn’t want to waste the opportunity to deepen their friendship. This weekend was their best chance. And perhaps their only one.

  “Maybe we can explore the city together. I hear the governor of Indochina built a mansion there that’s a sight to behold.”

  Robinson gave her a sidelong glance. “You do know this isn’t a sightseeing trip, don’t you?”

  Meredith blushed at her transparent eagerness. “I know.”

  “Good. Because I hope you aren’t expecting me to play tour guide. R&R means rest and relaxation, not ramble and roam. For most of this trip, the only sights I’m planning on seeing are the insides of my eyelids.”

  Meredith couldn’t help feeling deflated. Each time she tried to get closer, Robinson pushed her away. She was tempted to ask her why she wouldn’t let her in, but she thought she knew the answer. She was already in too deep.

  What was it Robinson had said that fateful night in the pool? I don’t want to kiss you, Meredith. I need to. Sometimes I need to kiss you even more than I need to breathe.

  She had never desired anyone as much as Robinson seemed to desire her. When she looked at George, she felt a warm, rosy glow. When Robinson looked at her, she felt an all-consuming fire. A fire that now seemed to be extinguished. She missed its heat.

  When they entered Robinson’s hooch, Lois was standing at the foot of Robinson’s bed. She was holding an envelope with colorful Vietnamese stamps affixed to the front. The envelope’s flap hung open. Lois gripped the letter inside. She froze when she saw Robinson walk toward her. “I—I thought you were gone.”

  “Sorry to disappoint you, Lieutenant. Unless you’ve been assigned different housing, you don’t have reason to be here.”

  “I was looking for Dolores. The truck’s waiting.”

  “She’s probably already on it, which is where you should be.”

  “Fine. I won’t stay where I’m not wanted.”

  Lois hid the letter behind her back and made to leave, but Robinson dropped her duffel on the floor and blocked her path. “Not so fast. Return my property before you go.”

  “Like I said, I thought you had already left.” Lois stuffed the letter inside the envelope, and shoved both into Robinson’s outstretched hand. “I was going to hang on to that for you while you were gone.”

  Robinson slid the envelope into the back pocket of her jeans. “Then you decided to read it instead?”

  “The way you sound, I didn’t know if you could read,” Lois said, mocking Robinson’s thick Southern drawl. “I was trying to do you a favor.”

  Robinson moved toward Lois, her body language as menacing as the look on her face. “One thing I don’t need is a favor from you.”

  “I’ll remember that the next time you decide you want to change shifts.” Lois skipped past Robinson and darted out of reach. “Have a good time in Vũng Tàu. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. And, Meredith,” she said, pirouetting in the aisle between the evenly-spaced bunks, “try not to worry about what George will be getting into while he’s in Bangkok. From what I hear, it’s anything goes over there, and you know boys will be boys. Hopefully, the only souvenir he brings back is the kind that doesn’t require shots.”

  She snickered as she headed out the door. Robinson looked like she wanted to chase after her to get one more word in, but she managed to hold her ground.

  “Are you ready to go?”

  “Past it.”

  Robinson grabbed her duffel and slung it over her shoulder. Meredith followed her out the door. As they walked across the base, Robinson pulled the envelope from her pocket, unfolded the letter inside, and began to read. A smile immediately creased her face.

  “Good news from home?” Meredith asked.

  “What?” Robinson looked up as if she had forgotten Meredith was with her.

  “Is that a letter from your family?”

  “No.” Robinson quickly folded the letter, returned it to its envelope, and shoved both into the recesses of her duffel. “From someone I didn’t expect to be hearing from so soon.”

  Meredith waited for Robinson to elaborate but wasn’t surprised when an explanation didn’t prove to be forthcoming.

  “Have you had any tough cases lately?” she asked when the silence began to drag on. “I haven’t seen anything more serious than a bad incidence of trench foot the last few days, but quiet spells don’t usually last very long.”

  “I hope you’re wrong about this one.”

  “So do I. I’ve had all the action I can take for the foreseeable future.”

  “I hope you’re wrong about that, too.” Robinson looked as if she was trying to be matter-of-fact, but her studied nonchalance appeared rehearsed. “Kerry stopped by the other day. She has some time off and she wants to meet up when we get to Vũng Tàu. She’s been there a ton of times and knows all the most popular places, as well as the out-of-the-way ones. If you want a tour guide, she’d make a better one than I would. Are you interested?”

  Meredith wanted to see the city, but she wanted to see it with Robinson. This trip was their reward. Why couldn’t they enjoy its spoils together? Instead, Robinson seemed to be trying to pawn her off on Kerry so she could be free to do her own thing.

  “Do you plan on spending all three days catching up on your beauty sleep?” she asked.

  “I’m going to spend them making up for lost time, that’s for sure.”

  They showed their orders to the men on duty in the makeshift terminal and were escorted to the airfield. Meredith swallowed hard as she neared the idling helicopter. In her dreams, she could still hear the bullets bouncing off the fuselage as she and the others tried desperately to escape the advancing VC soldiers in Xom Que. She hoped history wasn’t about to repeat itself. This time, the shooters could have better aim.

  Robinson seemed to sense her trepidation. She offered her hand after they were buckled into their seats. Meredith gripped it as hard as she could.

  “First-time flyer?” the pilot asked with a wry smile. “Don’t worry. I haven’t lost a passenger yet.”

  “There’s always a first time.”

  Robinson tightened her grip. “Today isn’t going to be that day.”

  Looking into her eyes, Meredith felt the same way she did when she looked into George’s. Safe. Protected. But there was something more. An undercurrent she felt but couldn’t name. What was it about Robinson that continually threw her off her stride? And why did being off-balance feel so good? Scary, but exciting, too. Kind of like she had always imagined falling in love would feel.

  It wasn’t that way with George, she thought as she stared out the open door. He made it so easy to love him. Everyone he met ended up crazy about him, herself included. Why did Robinson have to make it so hard to care a
bout her? With her, everything was a challenge. Even a task as simple as trying to be her friend often seemed monumental. Meredith had to endure the whispers of people like Lois, who were so willing to denigrate what they didn’t understand. Each time Lois made some snide comment about Robinson, Meredith asked herself why something that was supposed to be wrong felt so right.

  She awakened from her reverie when she felt Robinson’s body press against hers. Robinson’s body was the perfect combination of hard and soft. Hard muscles accentuated by soft curves.

  Too hard. Too soft. Just right. I guess I deserve the nickname she gave me. I really am Goldilocks.

  “Look.” Robinson pointed at the view past one gunner’s head. “There’s your mansion.”

  Meredith peered out the open door. Below them, a stately mansion dominated the landscape.

  “It looks like something out of a fairy tale.”

  On one side, mountains large and small rose into the sky. On another, the South China Sea lapped against a curving white sand beach. In between, houses, hotels, and restaurants fought for dominion. The hotels appeared to be winning.

  “I think that’s Nui Nho.” Robinson pointed to the small mountain at the southern end of town, then to a larger one on the other end. “So that must be Nui Lon.”

  Meredith’s eyes drifted from the mountains down to the beach as the pilot descended to give them a closer look. The sand and sea were filled with sunbathers and swimmers. A steady stream of sun-baked, crew-cut men with women on their arms headed to a series of small huts lining the beach.

  “Those must be the beach girls Lt. Col. Daniels was talking about.”

  The copilot chuckled knowingly. “This is Vũng Tàu, ladies. If you know how to negotiate, ten bucks goes a long way.”

  “So does a case of the clap.”

  Meredith didn’t fail to see the hungry look on Robinson’s face as she watched the soldiers enter the huts to spend some private time with the girls of their choice. In another time and another place, would she be allowed to join the parade without drawing unwanted attention?

  After the chopper landed at the base, a GI from the motor pool led Meredith and Robinson to a jeep and drove them at breakneck speed to their hotel. Meredith was so grateful to arrive in one piece she nearly knelt and kissed the ground like a visiting pope.

  The first thing she did after they checked in was head up to her room so she could check out the view from her balcony. She threw open the heavy blackout curtains and stepped onto the terrace, a wide rectangular space with enough room for a patio table and two lounge chairs.

  Her room faced the beach, which seemed even more crowded than it had during their brief flyover. Hopefully, there was some available space around the pool because she certainly didn’t see any near the water.

  She sighed deeply as a warm ocean breeze kissed her skin.

  “Is being here worth the price you had to pay?”

  Meredith looked to her left. Robinson was standing on her own balcony, a dreamy smile on her face. Meredith had never seen her look more at ease. She looked like the weight of the world had been lifted from her shoulders. Funny how much a change in location could change someone’s outlook. It had certainly changed hers.

  “I thought I was going to die that day in Xom Que,” she said.

  “So did I.”

  “Is that the closest brush you’ve had?”

  “During my first tour, a mortar landed near the OR while we were in the middle of surgery. A nurse and two medics were critically injured. I ended up with a broken wrist. One of the medics died at the scene. The nurse and the other medic survived but couldn’t remain on active duty. My CO stuck me behind a desk until I healed up. Those were the longest six weeks of my life. I’d rather dodge bullets than shuffle papers any day.”

  “I don’t know what frightens me most,” Meredith said, “getting hurt or seeing someone I care about wounded.” It felt so good to talk with someone about her fears without worrying if the listener considered her weak or unfit for duty.

  “That’s a tough one, but it explains why George ripped me a new asshole when we got back to base after the dustup in Xom Que. If I had known the mission would end up going sideways, I never would have asked you to come.”

  Robinson looked so remorseful Meredith longed to console her, but there was a four-foot gap between them, not to mention a seven-story drop to the ground.

  “If I had to do it over again knowing beforehand how everything would turn out, I’d still say yes.”

  “Really?”

  Meredith couldn’t tell if Robinson looked touched or dubious. She gripped the railing, wishing she could bridge the distance between them. “I trust you, Natalie. There isn’t anything you could ask me that I wouldn’t do.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I’m positive.”

  Robinson gifted her with a warm smile. “If I asked you to keep calling me Natalie, do you think you could manage it?”

  Meredith had been telling herself for months she wanted them to be closer. Now that the opportunity was finally presenting itself, she felt herself shy away. “I could try.”

  “If it doesn’t feel right, you don’t have to keep doing it. But I love the way you say my name, Meredith. Say it again.” Meredith saw what looked like desire wash over Natalie’s features. “Say my name.”

  Before Meredith could grant her request, someone knocked on Natalie’s door.

  “I think your tour guide’s here,” Natalie said as the mask she usually wore slid back into place.

  “Wait.”

  Meredith no longer wanted to go sightseeing. She wanted to explore what had just passed between them. But Robinson—Natalie—left the balcony and entered her room. Soon Meredith heard the door open, followed by the sound of Kerry’s cheerful voice offering an effusive greeting.

  Kerry bounced onto the balcony like a kangaroo, one of her country’s most famous native creatures. She was wearing tennis shoes, khaki shorts, and a short-sleeved white button down shirt over a black tank top. “I hear you want to see Vũng Tàu.”

  “I thought I did. Now I’m not so sure.”

  “This could be the only time you’re in town. You might as well make the most of it. Do you want an all-day tour or something more down and dirty? I know which one I’d prefer, but I’ll leave it up to you.”

  “I wouldn’t want to impose.”

  “Nonsense. Squiring a beautiful woman around town is hardly an imposition. Are you ready? If we leave now, we can hit the main tourist areas, bend our elbows for an hour or two in one of the local bars, and be back here in time for dinner.”

  Kerry slid a pair of dark sunglasses over her eyes. Her almost manic energy was such a contrast to Natalie’s laid-back demeanor Meredith was having trouble adjusting.

  “Sounds like you have a full day planned.”

  Kerry shrugged. “You’re only going to be here for three days. I figured we’d get the sightseeing out of the way first, then spend the rest of our time lounging around the pool or on the beach. When I say ‘we,’ I mean me and you because I doubt our friend here will come up for air long enough to leave her room.”

  Natalie frowned as if Kerry had said something she shouldn’t.

  “Oops. Sorry, mate.”

  Natalie rebuked Kerry with a look before turning to Meredith. “Go. Have fun. You can tell me all about it on the way back to Long Binh. That way, you’ll have something to take your mind off the flight.”

  Today, holding Natalie’s hand had been all the distraction she had needed.

  “Sounds like a benediction to me.” Kerry rubbed her hands together in anticipation. “Enjoy your afternoon, Robbie. We can compare notes later. Shall we, Mer?”

  Meredith met Kerry in the hall and they left the hotel on foot. During their walking tour of the city, Kerry introduced her to several sights that were jaw-dropping in their unparalleled beauty but left Meredith strangely unmoved.

  “I thought you wanted to do this,” K
erry said as they sat nursing their drinks in a crowded downtown bar. The airmen at the table across from them were taking turns singing bawdy pub songs. The lyrics grew more risqué after each round of drinks delivered by the mini-skirted waitress. Meredith doubted some of the acts the men sang about were physically possible, let alone pleasurable.

  “I did. I mean I do.”

  “Just not with me.”

  Meredith trailed a finger along the curve of her half-empty bottle of Coke but didn’t respond.

  “I told Robbie this was a bad idea, but her head’s so high in the clouds she can’t think straight at the moment.” Kerry pushed her mug of beer aside and rested her arms on the table. “You’re really into her, aren’t you?”

  “Why would you think that?”

  Meredith wondered if she looked as shocked as she felt. No one had ever asked her a question like that before. Because they had never dared or because the answer was obvious to everyone but her?

  “I’m—”

  She tried to form a response to Kerry’s question that wouldn’t make her seem defensive. She wanted to let Kerry know she was seeing someone—a man—without trumpeting her heterosexuality.

  “I’m dating George Moser. Didn’t Natalie tell you?”

  “Yeah, she told me. George is a good bloke. He’s fair dinkum, even though he is a Yank. And a man,” Kerry added with a grin. “Robbie’s seeing someone, too, but I haven’t made up my mind yet if I believe either of you are serious.”

  “Natalie’s dating someone?” Meredith couldn’t believe what she had just heard. But if Natalie had someone in her life, it could account for the positive upswing in her mood. She was falling in love. “Who is she seeing? For how long?”

  Kerry checked her watch. “I’d say about three hours, give or take. They’ve been writing back and forth for months like a couple of lovesick schoolgirls, but they haven’t seen each other face-to-face since the whole thing started.”

  “Do I know her?”