The War Within

by Yolanda Wallace

  Meredith smoothed the front of Jordan’s shirt. She wished Jordan’s ruffled feathers could be tended to just as easily. “How can you possibly know how your relationship with her will end when you’ve barely begun?”

  Jordan rolled her eyes and tried to defuse the seriousness of the situation with humor. “Stop being so logical, will you? I’m trying to be noble and you’re poking holes in my balloon.”

  Meredith took Jordan’s face in her hands and forced her to look her in the eye. “Put the jokes aside and tell me what you’re really thinking, sweetie.”

  Jordan was a few inches shy of six feet tall. At the moment, though, she seemed much smaller.

  “I love spending time with Tatum, but I never imagined myself getting involved with someone who has a disability.”

  Meredith suspected Jordan had never said the words out loud before. The confession seemed to take something out of her. Like the balloon she had just mentioned had started to deflate. Jordan’s chin trembled as she tried not to cry.

  “I don’t know if I’m cut out to play nursemaid.”

  “You never know what you can do until you’re asked to do it.”

  “Maybe. But you’re forgetting one thing, Gran. I’m not you.”

  “You’re forgetting something, too. You don’t have to be.”

  Meredith gave Jordan a hug and waited for her to regain her composure before they resumed their journey.

  Meredith knocked on the door of Billie’s room and poked her head inside. She had been coming to see Billie every day for the past week. If Billie was having a good day, they would talk for a while and Meredith would read to her until Billie fell asleep. If she was having a bad day, the only thing Meredith could do was be there for her and wonder how long it would be before her suffering came to an end.

  How, Meredith wondered, would Billie react to having Jordan’s unfamiliar presence added to their now-familiar routine? Billie didn’t always respond favorably to change, but perhaps having Meredith in the room would help matters.

  “Billie, this is my granddaughter, Jordan. I told you about her, remember? You said you wanted to meet her.”

  Billie screwed up her face in concentration as if she were trying to see through the thick fog shrouding her brain. Then her features relaxed and she flashed a relieved smile. “Of course I remember. Come closer, Jordan. My eyes aren’t as good as they used to be. Then again, neither is the rest of me.”

  Jordan stood next to Billie’s bed. “It’s an honor to meet you, ma’am. Grandma Meredith has told me so much about you, I feel like I already know you.”

  Billie slowly shook her head, her thinning hair fanned around it like a silver halo. “You remind me so much of your grandfather. You’re a lot prettier than he was, but you have his mannerisms.”

  Jordan rubbed the back of her neck like George used to whenever he was flustered or, as in this case, received a compliment he didn’t know how to take. Meredith’s heart filled with love as her past and present collided.

  After Jordan found a seat on the far side of the room, Meredith sat in the chair next to the bed and made small talk with Billie for a while before she opened the book and picked up where she had left off during her previous visit. She was only a few pages into the chapter about Scout Finch getting into a fight at school when Billie became confused.

  “Who are you,” Billie shouted, “and what are you doing in my room?”

  “Billie, what’s wrong?”

  “You’re trying to steal from me, aren’t you?”

  Meredith closed the book and followed Billie’s line of sight. Across the room, Jordan was holding a moldy dinner roll over a plastic wastebasket. “Honey, stop.”

  “But this drawer smells putrid. It’s crammed with food and most of it’s spoiled.”

  “I understand, honey, but I need you to stop, okay? Right now.”

  “If you say so.” Jordan let the moldy bread fall into the trash and raised her hands in surrender.

  “I’m not going to let you take what’s mine.” Billie’s arms trembled as she tried to push herself into an upright position.

  “Billie, it’s okay. Jordan was simply trying to do a little spring cleaning for you, but she’s stopped now.”

  Meredith tried to keep her voice calm, but Billie grew increasingly agitated. Billie grabbed a glass-encased silver dollar off the nightstand, drew her arm back, and threw it as hard as she could. Meredith instinctively raised her hands, but she didn’t move fast enough. She felt a thud, followed by a blinding flash of pain as the paperweight struck her in the head.

  Despite the ringing in her ears, Meredith heard Jordan snatch the door open, run into the hall, and yell, “Someone please help. My grandmother’s bleeding. Here. In here.”

  Meredith heard heavy footsteps running down the hall. She needed to get a handle on the situation before it spiraled out of control. As Billie continued to hurl whatever she could get her hands on, Meredith staggered out of the room with her hand pressed to her forehead. “No need to call the cavalry just yet,” she said, even though she felt blood seeping through her fingers.

  “But, Gran, you’re hurt.”

  Meredith motioned for Jordan to calm down. “It’s just a cut, honey. And not a deep one at that. Trust me. I’ve seen worse.”

  “You may have, but I haven’t.” Jordan wrapped her arms around Meredith’s waist as if to hold her up, but Meredith felt her head begin to clear.

  Two attendants ran into Billie’s room. Another sat Meredith in a nearby wheelchair and examined the cut on her head. Natalie peeked into Billie’s room, where the attendants were attempting to calm her without having to restrain her.

  “What happened in there?” Natalie asked. “Did she get confused?”

  Meredith looked up at Natalie while an attendant disinfected the cut on her forehead prior to affixing butterfly bandages over the wound. “Yes.” She shook her head disconsolately, prompting a gentle admonishment to hold still. “It’s unfortunate. We were having such a nice visit. I brought Jordan by to meet her because I wanted them to get to know each other while there’s still time. I was reading to her when she flew into a rage.”

  “I think the whole thing was my fault,” Jordan said shakily. “I smelled something bad, so I opened one of the drawers to see what it was. The drawer was stuffed with congealed packages of butter, old dinner rolls, some fuzzy bananas, and all kinds of junk food. I got rid of the bananas first, then I trashed the rolls because they were starting to turn green. Instead of thanking me, Billie got this strange look on her face and accused me of trying to steal from her. Then she started yelling and throwing things. If I had known she was so attached to that stuff, I would have left it where it was.”

  Natalie nodded knowingly. “Alzheimer’s patients go through phases where they collect things. They burn through their savings buying everything they see on the Home Shopping Network until a family member discovers what’s going on and takes away their credit cards. If they’re in institutions like this one, they hoard food because they think someone will forget to come by to feed them. Once every couple of weeks, we get someone to distract Billie while we throw out the perishable items in her stash before it goes bad. If she sees us doing it, it tends to upset her and we have outbursts like the one you witnessed today.”

  “I didn’t mean to piss her off,” Jordan said.

  “It’s okay,” Meredith said as the attendant handed her two aspirin and a cup of water. “You didn’t know.”

  “I’ll know better next time.”

  “Do you want there to be a next time? I thought what happened today might put you off future visits.”

  Jordan shrugged like George used to whenever he made an honorable gesture he preferred to have go unrecognized. “I don’t want today to be my last impression of Billie, and I want a chance to try to make a better one on her.”

  “I am so happy to hear that,” Meredith said. “The way you ran out of the room, I was afraid you might be scarred for life.
”

  Jordan ran a finger over the bandages on Meredith’s forehead. “You’re the one who’s going to come out of this with a scar, Gran, not me.”

  Natalie stepped into Billie’s room and came back a few minutes later with an update. “The attendants have managed to clean up the mess and get Billie back in bed without having to restrain her hands and feet, which is good because she hates being restrained even more than I dislike seeing her that way. She’ll be okay in a little while if you’d like to resume your visit.”

  Jordan checked her watch. “We can’t stay much longer, I’m afraid. We have to get back so I can get some sleep before my shift.”

  “I forgot we were operating under a time limit this afternoon.” Meredith looked at the book in her hands. “I didn’t reach the end of a chapter today, but I suppose I can make up for it next time.”

  Jordan offered her hand to help Meredith out of the wheelchair and Meredith prepared to leave, but Natalie stepped into her path.

  “My shift ends at five. I could drive you home if you’d like to stay a while longer.”

  Meredith felt stunned, though she couldn’t tell if the blow to the head or Natalie’s magnanimous gesture was to blame. “Yes, I’d like that very much. Thank you.” She handed Jordan the keys to her car. “Have a good day at work, dear. I’ll see you tonight.”

  Jordan looked at Natalie as she pocketed the keys. “Keep an eye on her, okay? She’s been through enough for one day.”

  “I won’t leave her side. You have my word on that.”

  After Jordan left, Natalie led Meredith to the courtyard, where a few visitors were sitting with their loved ones and several residents were slowly making their way around the grounds, alone or in groups.

  “I thought we could get some fresh air while we wait for Billie to find herself again.”

  “That sounds like a lovely idea.” The aspirin must have started to take effect because Meredith could feel her throbbing headache begin to abate.

  “Is Jordan going to be okay?” Natalie asked as she and Meredith took a seat on a nearby bench. “She looked pretty shaken up.”

  “I’m sure she’ll be fine.”

  Natalie shoved her hands in the pockets of her uniform smock as if she didn’t know what to do with them. “At the potluck, were you telling the truth when you said you had slept with a woman, or did you make that up to impress your audience?”

  “Did that bit of news come as a shock to you or a pleasant surprise?”

  “Both. But it also made me a little bit jealous.”

  “I can’t say that makes me unhappy because it doesn’t.” Meredith edged closer until their knees were touching. Her body reacted to the contact, making it difficult for her to concentrate on what she wanted to say next. “Since we’re being honest with each other, I have to admit I wasn’t completely forthcoming that night. Though the story was true, I purposely omitted the part about how the experience made me feel.”

  “How did it make you feel?”

  “Being with Evelyn helped me accept who I was—who I am—but it also made me realize what I was missing. Being with her made me want to be with you. I wanted her to be you.”

  “Then why didn’t you try to find me?”

  Meredith looked away. “I’m here now. Isn’t that enough?”

  “No,” Natalie said, restoring the distance between them. “I wish it was, but it isn’t. I need to know where you’re coming from and where you want to go. I can’t know either of those things until you’re able to tell me. I know the reason you walked away from me when we were in Vietnam. You wanted a family and I couldn’t give you one. But after you made the family you’d longed for and you were free to be yourself, why didn’t you take the chance when it was presented to you? If you didn’t want to upset the status quo, say so. But don’t come to me after all this time saying you’re willing to embrace a life you once refused and expect me to believe you unconditionally.”

  Meredith looked deep into her eyes. “If I tell you what I was afraid of then, will you tell me what you’re afraid of now?”

  “Like you, the only thing I can do is try.”

  “Is tonight too soon? Jordan worked overnights last week, and she’s working until eleven every night this week. I’m a little tired of having dinner alone.”

  “No,” Natalie said, “tonight sounds perfect.”

  *

  Jordan rang the doorbell. She didn’t expect to be welcomed with open arms, but she didn’t know where else to go.

  “This is a surprise,” Tatum said after she opened the door.

  “A pleasant one, I hope.”

  Tatum rolled backward, but Jordan leaned in the open doorway instead of following her inside. “Are you in the middle of something or can I borrow you for the next hour or so?”

  Tatum turned and examined Jordan’s face. “Is something wrong?”

  Jordan didn’t want to think about this afternoon. She wanted to put it behind her as soon as she could. How could she have been so stupid? Grandma Meredith had told her Billie didn’t react well to change and she, like an idiot, had done something to set her off. Like her parents had once told her during a particularly withering lecture, sometimes she had plenty of book sense but zero common sense. And today was one of those times.

  “Later, okay? Right now, I need you to drive me somewhere.”

  Tatum’s eyes flicked toward Grandma Meredith’s SUV. “You drove yourself this far, but you can’t manage it the rest of the way? What’s going on, Jordan?”

  Jordan felt an odd mix of sadness and exhilaration. “Just trust me, okay?”

  Tatum grabbed her keys and Lincoln’s leash and locked her condo door behind her. “Where would you like to go?”

  Jordan moved aside and allowed Tatum to pass. “I’ll tell you on the way.”

  In the parking lot, Tatum slid behind the wheel of her car. Jordan sat in the passenger’s seat and Lincoln hopped in the back, squeezing in next to Tatum’s wheelchair. Jordan called out the turns while Tatum drove.

  “We’re here,” Tatum said after she parked in front of a beachside restaurant. “Now what?”

  “Now I drive.”

  Jordan hopped out of the car and waved at Dusty Spradlin, the owner of a nearby business specializing in kiteboard and kite buggy rentals.

  Tatum set her wheelchair on the ground and transferred into it. As soon as she clipped Lincoln’s leash to his collar, he began straining at the lead.

  “Thanks for all the business you two have been sending my way. Your guests have been keeping me hopping.” Dusty held his hand under Lincoln’s nose and waited until he passed the sniff test before he extended the same hand to Jordan and Tatum. “I was wondering when I was going to see you out here, too.”

  “Are we all set?” Jordan asked.

  “Ready whenever you are.”

  “Ready for what?” Tatum asked apprehensively.

  Jordan shot her a quick look. “Give us a few minutes, okay, Dusty?”

  “Sure thing.”

  “What are you trying to prove, Jordan?” Tatum asked after Dusty left to wait on another customer.

  “Nothing.”

  “Then why are we here?”

  “I’m trying to help you make one of your dreams come true. You said Lincoln had never been to the beach before. I wanted to watch him play in the water and I wanted to watch your face while he did it. No ulterior motives. No hidden agendas. I promise. I just want something to go right today.”

  “What about those? What are they for?”

  Tatum pointed to the row of tiny buggies with large, foil-shaped kites attached to them. Most of the buggies were designed to carry only one person. One, however, was slightly oversized with enough room for two adults and a child—or, in this case, one very excited German shepherd.

  “Those will allow me to watch you soar. All you have to do is trust me. Are you game?”

  “You’ve gone to so much trouble, I can’t exactly say no, can I?”
/>   “Cool.”

  They crossed the paved parking lot and headed for the rental stall.

  “Need some help?” Dusty asked, offering to push Tatum’s chair through the sand.

  “No,” Tatum said, even as her wheels began to bog down.

  “If you say so. Call me if you need me.” He knelt next to the large buggy and inspected the riggings.

  Jordan watched Tatum struggle to keep pace. She wanted to lend a hand, but she convinced herself to wait for Tatum to ask for help.

  “Can you take Lincoln for me?” Tatum asked a few minutes later. “I’ll watch you from here.”

  “Okay. Sure.”

  Jordan took Lincoln’s leash and allowed him to lead her to the water. Lincoln braced his front legs and barked at the crashing waves, then pinned his ears back and ran headlong into them. Jordan let him go far enough out to test his sea legs before she urged him back to shore. Lincoln sprinted across the sand, his tongue flapping wildly in the breeze. Running alongside him, Jordan had never felt so happy or so free. She knew reality would set in eventually. For the moment, though, she had found the escape she longed for. When she returned to shore, Dusty went over the safety rules and operating procedures.

  “If the wind hits your kite just right, you can get up to twenty-five MPHs out of your buggy. The two-line kites are smaller and not as easy to maneuver as the four-line kite attached to this baby. With two lines, you get a serious upper body workout trying to get where you’re going, and driving is a bit of a challenge. With four lines, the driver has complete control.”

  He gave a quick but informative lesson on how to operate the buggy, demonstrating how to produce power and lift, steer, stop, and back up.

  “If you tack back against the wind like this, you can ride rather than walk back to your starting point.”

  He didn’t seem to realize the impossibility of what he had just said. If they ran out of wind, Tatum would be as helpless as the stranded buggy. But Jordan chose to ignore rather than correct his error.

  “Did you two have fun?” Tatum asked after she strapped herself into the buggy.