No Ordinary Bloke

by Mary Whitney

  “Not so bad because it’s just ghastly,” said Adam.

  Nicki then leaned over and gave Allison a quick hug. “I’m Nicki. I’m so glad you’re here.”

  “Hi,” Allison said, a little taken aback. “Thank you for having me.”

  “Are you kidding? It’s great! Finally another woman around here and you’re an American. I can actually understand you.”

  Allison nodded. “I know how you feel. I can’t imagine being alone with both of them.”

  “Oh my God. You wouldn’t believe it.” Nicki scowled at Adam and me. “When they get together, it’s like a frat house. All they do is drink beer, eat junk food, and watch soccer. When V gets a little older, we’re going to need a family agreement to clean up our language.”

  I pointed at Adam. “Maybe for him, but not me. I should be able to say whatever I want. I’m the poor relation.”

  Adam waved his hand at me. “Don’t give us that load of crap. When was the last time you travelled second class?”

  “I take the tube all the time.” After giving him a teasing punch in the arm, I looked at Allison whose grin had grown wider and wider. I was chuffed she liked my family and even happier she seemed comfortable with them.

  “Everyone takes the tube, you arse,” said Adam. He nodded inside. “Let’s go in, shall we? Or Allison will think she’s unwelcome.”

  For the rest of the afternoon, we hung out at the house. Nicki had put out a great lunch spread, and we had wine and beer while chatting and passing Little V around the table. Then V went down for her nap, and the adults went into the large back garden. Allison and Nicki read books on the matching hammocks while Adam and I had a kick around. I needed the practice. Allison had agreed to go to the game the following day, and I didn’t want to make a complete fool out of myself on the pitch.

  When Little V woke up, Allison and I took her out in her pram. The walk through the tree-lined streets was a leisurely stroll until we needed to pick up a few things for Nicki at the corner market. As soon as we began the walk up Connecticut Avenue, passersby began to stop and ask us questions about V. From the beginning, Allison and I laughed and stammered our way through questions we had no idea the answer to.

  After the third old lady walked away, Allison said, “So do we try and pass her off as our own or do we admit she’s your niece?”

  “If we’re her parents, does that mean we’re husband and wife with all the benefits that go with that?” I waggled my eyebrows.

  She smiled her cagey smile. “If we’re husband and wife with a ten month old, are we really getting those benefits?”

  “Good point.” I put my arm around her. “Let’s go back to babysitting.”

  “Do you mind that I’m sleeping in another room?” She looked down at the street and then back at me. “I would just feel a little awkward if our first time was here.”

  “I told you it was perfectly fine,” I said, squeezing her arm. “I agree. I’d much rather be in a grand hotel or my bed for that matter. I’d have performance anxiety if Nicki and Adam heard us.”

  As soon as I said, “my bed,” her mouth soured. “Your bed?” she asked.

  The question consisted of only two words, but I understood everything she was conveying. I pulled away from her and lifted her chin. “Look at me. I need you to believe this. I normally don’t bring women back to my place. Period. The last woman I was with in my flat was my old girlfriend, Jemima, and that was eight years ago. And if that’s not enough for you, I believe I purchased a new mattress last July because the last one was bloody lumpy. I’d put the bed on the rubbish heap as well for you, but I’m attached to it because I made it me self.” I was going to end it on that personal note, but I thought of something else she might be wondering. “And on a different but related matter, in case you’re wondering, even though they feel like a rubber band on my dick, I always use a condom. I’m also religious about getting tested. I see my doctor almost as often as I see my barber.”

  The sourpuss expression quickly turned into a small smile. “Thanks. I believe you.” She chuckled. “There were so many little details in that story it had to be true.”

  “Oh yeah? Like what.” I leaned against the brick wall of a store. I could tell this was going to be a lengthy conversation.

  “First of all, you just admitted your last girlfriend was eight years ago. That’s quite some time to be a single lad as you call yourself.”

  “I suppose it is.”

  “And what was this Jemima like? The only person I know with that name is a lady on the bottle of a pancake syrup.”

  “Jemima?” I laughed. “No, not Aunt Jemima. This one is a friend of Adam’s from Oxford. Lady Jemima Northam. She was sort of slumming with me, and I was always thinking I wasn’t quite good enough for her. We didn’t have much in common, but the break-up was brutal. I swore off women for a while.”

  “I’ll say…eight years? Jeez.” When V squawked because we were no longer moving, Allison pushed the stroller back and forth. She smiled. “Then again, you didn’t really swear off them.”

  “Well, there’s swearing off women and then there’s swearing off women.”

  “How come you never took them back to your place?”

  “Good God. Do you know how many completely bonkers women there are out there?”

  She scowled. “About as many as there are crazy guys. It’s not like women have a monopoly on crazy.”

  “Are you kidding? Have you seen Fatal Attraction? That’s not so far-fetched. I could wind up with a rabbit stewing on my stove. Riya would be quite upset.”

  “Sometimes you can be really sexist, but…” She shook her head. “You’re too adorable for me to be offended.”

  “Thank you. I admit an awful sexist pig.” I gave her cute arse a bit of a pinch. I’d been admiring it all day in that dress. “You can be sexist all you want with me.”

  “Did you just pinch my butt?” She giggled and swatted my hand.

  “I did.”

  “You get one right back then,” she said, as I felt a twinge on my right arse cheek.

  “I liked that. Can you do it again?”

  “Not in public.” She then tilted her head and asked, “Did you really make your bed?”

  “Back in my twenties. I’ve done better work since then, but it was my first big piece.”

  “I can’t wait to see it.”

  “Funny,” I said, kissing her cheek. “I can’t wait for you to see it either.”

  Later that evening, I could hear Adam tiptoe down the stairs, trying to be quiet. Dressed for a night out in nice trousers and a cool shirt, he spoke just above a whisper, “She’s asleep. Hopefully, down for the night.”

  Allison and I had already settled on the sofa with a big bowl of popcorn, some beer, and a DVD. I pressed pause on the remote, as she said to Adam, “It’s okay if she wakes. I babysat enough growing up. I know what to do, even if David doesn’t.”

  “Thanks,” said Adam. “You shouldn’t have to deal with her. Usually, she sleeps through the night, especially for David. I think she knows he’s afraid of a wet nappy.”

  Walking in from the kitchen, Nicki laughed. “We’re only going to dinner and a movie down the street. It’s not like we’re far away. Just call is if it’s a problem.” She handed me a few fliers. “Here are some of my favorite takeout places.”

  “Fantastic,” I said, taking them from her. “We’ll need to choose.”

  Nicki smoothed down her black trousers and laughed. “It’s funny. I feel like we have a role reversal going on. Watching TV and eating takeout is what Adam and I do on a Saturday night.”

  Allison looked at her sympathetically. “You remember that being the single gal isn’t always that fun, right?”

  “Oh, I remember.” She smiled. “It’s nice to get out, though. We really appreciate y’all doing this for us.”

  After they left for their date, we restarted our movie. Maybe she was watching it, but I wasn’t. It only took a moment for
me to grasp that for the first time Allison and I were alone in a private place. There were no strangers around, only a little baby upstairs conked out for the night, or at least the next few hours. Paying no attention to the film, I began playing with her hair.

  Without taking her eyes from the screen, she asked, “What are you doing?”

  “Touching your glorious hair. Have I ever told you that red is my favorite color?”

  “Is it really?” She laughed.

  “It is.” I leaned over and kissed her beneath her ear. “We’re alone, you know?”

  “I know.” Her voice was serious. “I was thinking about that.”

  “And what were you thinking?” I asked, trailing kisses along her chin.

  She leaned into my kisses, just like I hoped she would. “I was thinking it was nice,” she said.

  “More than fucking nice,” I said as my lips finally made their way to hers.

  Did she crave my touch as much as I craved hers? I could only hope. She was responsive, wrapping her arms around me before I could get mine around her. We snogged for a bit which got both of us going. While I knew we had hours of complete privacy ahead of us, I couldn’t wait any longer. I needed to see those tits of hers for the first time.

  First slowly tracing her collar bone, I slid my hand underneath the straps of her sundress so that they hung on her shoulders. Why did I ever curse the heat in America? I should’ve been thanking God for heat because it brought out sundresses and their access to tits.

  I stopped kissing her and placed my forehead on hers. Breathlessly I said, “I’d really love to touch your breasts if you don’t mind?”

  “Mind?” She laughed, before reaching behind her.

  Arching her back, she unzipped her dress, and it fell to her waist. There were her beautiful tits still hidden in a strapless bra. Before I could touch them, she arched her back again and undid the clasp of her bra. Her full breasts were just as I’d imagined, not too big, not too small, with a dusting of freckles over the ivory skin. The nipples were lusciously pink and erect as if calling for my lips.

  “My God they’re beautiful,” I groaned as I felt my dick come to life.

  “They’re kind of small.”

  “They’re fucking perfect.” I leaned forward to kiss the tops of her tits, but that didn’t last long. My lips followed her curves until I claimed one of her nipples. Sucking first lightly and then harder, she tasted like a fragrant spice. I heard a low moan from her, so as my mouth played with one nipple, my fingers teased the other.

  Testing her limits and wants, my teasing became harder as I went from a slow roll to a pull and pinch. Her hips bucked, and I smiled. “You like that, do you?”

  “I do.” She gasped. “I really do.”

  Now I’d met more than one woman who could come just by working her tits, but generally, I found it unreliable alone. I couldn’t wait around that long to find out what worked for her. After all, I’d made myself out to be some kind of expert fucker. She needed to come early and often.

  Maneuvering my body so I had the best access to her, I lay on my side as she was on her back. I tugged away at her nipples, as the same blush on her cheeks soon flushed her chest as well. Her breath hitched, and she said, “Oh God. That feels so good.”

  “Good,” I crooned, but I could tell she needed more. My eyes moved down her breasts, over the curve of her hips, and onto her bare legs under her skirt. I left one hand playing with her tit and moved the other to her knee. The moans from her lips and the thrusts of her hips told me I was more than welcome to continue. Still I asked for permission.

  With most girls, if they signaled or said they were willing, I never asked for a green light. Allison was different of course. I wanted her to approve of everything I did to her. “Can I touch you here?” I asked, stroking her thigh.

  “Yes,” she said with a squirm.

  “And here?” I moved my hand up.

  “Yeah…”

  Finally, I moved up to her knickers, but I kept my hand respectfully on the top elastic band. “And what about here?”

  “God, yes.” She came out of her trance for a moment and smiled. “Um. I didn’t really expect this tonight. Please don’t make fun of my underwear.”

  I arched a brow. “Now what does that mean?”

  “You’ll see.”

  Pulling up her skirt, I saw what she meant. “Oh my. White cotton knickers on a cute little fanny. Every man’s latent teenage fantasy come to life.”

  “Fanny?” She asked. “How can you see my butt?”

  “Fanny, love.” With a kiss on her lips, I touched her over her knickers. “Your pretty little bits.” Pulling away, I grinned. “Or maybe you prefer the word pussy? I’ve always fancied kitty myself.”

  “Any will do.” Her blush deepened.

  “I agree. I’ll try to make you purr,” I said and slid my hand between her legs to pull the knickers to the side. I looked down, and my cock did a double twitch. She was a ginger all over. Months of fantasies were coming to life before me.

  She was perfectly groomed, with enough hair to drive my animal instincts wild, but not too much to get in the way. I murmured, “Ah, ginger…what a pretty kitty you have. I love a little fur down there.”

  “You do?” She smiled. “I’ll remember that.”

  “I can help.” I rubbed my left hand over my cheek. “Daily practice, you know.”

  “I think it’s more delicate down there.”

  “I can be careful. I’ll show you. This is what I would do,” I said as I tugged her knickers down to her knees where she eagerly kicked them off.

  No matter how much she wanted it, though, she was still a lady. She pushed her knees back together, and I had to spread them apart again. “First I would need you like this.”

  “Yeah?” Her voice was full of anticipation.

  I circled my fingers around the mound above her sex. “I’d shave you just like you’ve done. This would be easy. It would be like my own face, only much prettier of course”

  Before I spoke again, I kissed her, and then tracing the full outer lips of her sex, I said, “Now here, I’d gently take off just enough to see you properly.”

  “Oh God,” she moaned. “The way you talk is driving me crazy.”

  “I hope so, darling.” I smiled and dipped two fingers to find her inner sex. “I’d be extra careful around this area.” Then finding her clit, I began a slow circular rub and said, “And the most careful around right here.”

  Giving into the pleasure I so desperately wanted for her, she closed her eyes and leaned her head back as I played with her. For a few minutes, she bucked and mewed especially when I added a finger or two to the mix, but I only wanted to give her more from me. I whispered in her ear, “I want to go down on you.”

  She gasped and chuckled at the same time. “Go right ahead.”

  “I need you to move.”

  “Okay…” To her surprise, I climbed over her and onto the floor. She shook her head. “I’m confused. Where do you want me?”

  “Sit straight close to the end of the sofa. Skirt and knees up. Feet on the cushion.” I pulled her bum toward me and stared straight into her eyes. “I want to watch you come.”

  “Oh my God.” With a bashful smile, she covered her eyes, but got into position. She looked down at me, so eager for her. “I feel a little exposed.”

  “That’s the idea, love.” I kept my voice in the same more serious tone. “Do you like to be on your knees sometimes when you give head?”

  “Yes,” she said, as if admitting to something she wasn’t supposed to.

  “Same here,” I said as my fingers caressed the tip of her slit and again moved up and down in circles. Her eyes widened, and she watched along with me as I slid a finger inside her. Of course, I was fucking proud of myself because she was dripping wet.

  Removing my hand from her clit, I smiled and leaned forward. I nudged her wider with my shoulders, and then settled my face between her legs. My five o
’clock shadow scraped against her thighs as I moved my tongue all along her sex. I must’ve been doing something right because her hands were soon in my hair, urging me on as I licked her, teasing and tasting everything I could.

  With my eyes closed, I was so lost in what I was doing that I said aloud exactly what I was thinking. “I knew you’d taste good.”

  “Oh, fuck,” she said, losing all of her breath.

  I looked up and didn’t regret my wicked little slip. I hoped she felt hot as hell because to me she was it. She was everything I ever wanted. Bucking her hips, I sensed her orgasm building. I concentrated solely on her clit and slipped another finger inside her, but I could tell she needed more.

  “Pinch your nipples for me,” I said.

  Hearing my order, her eyes rolled and her head lolled. I watched as her hands went to her now fully pink tits.

  “That’s right,” I said as she pinched and pulled. Now was the crucial time, so I flicked my tongue first across her clit and then inside her. Returning to lick her clit, I gave it a few strokes before my lips closed around her. As I sucked her hard, I watched my beauty come undone before my eyes.

  By that point, I had the erection of my life, and I prayed I was going to get at least something in return or I needed a good wank in the shower ASAP. Slowly she found her way back to reality, and I got back on the sofa to give her a long kiss. Thankfully, she wasn’t one of those girls who flinch when they taste themselves. She kissed me hard, but soon she smiled. “That was amazing. Can I return the favor?”

  “Nothing would make me happier right now.”

  I was so damn horny I even put her hand on my cock. Just as she began to stroke me over my pants, there was a faint cry from upstairs. I pretended like I didn’t notice, but the cry turned into a loud wail. No one could ignore it. I groaned, “Oh, shit. Why now?”

  Allison pulled away and stopped touching me. “I’m sorry. Should we go check on her?”

  “Yes,” I said with all the regret in the world. “We should.”

  She frowned and gave me a kiss. “Rain check?”

  “If that involves you touching my dick again, absolutely.”