Doctor Who: The Myth Makers

by Donald Cotton

  ‘All right,’ said Steven wearily. ‘As long as you’re quite sure you’ve got the message.’

  ‘What message? What are you on about now?’

  ‘I just want you to realize that you’ve been given exactly one day to find a way of defeating the Greeks.’

  ‘I’m quite aware of that, thank you!’

  ‘Good. And I hope you’re also aware that, twenty-four hours ago, the Doctor was given exactly two days to find a way of defeating the Trojans. Got that, have you?’

  ‘I’m not a complete fool!’

  ‘Good, again. Because in that case we can leave all the armies and generals and heroes out of the equation, can’t we? All we have to remember is that you and the Doctor have got all of today to defeat each other! Happy about it, are you? Confident?’

  ‘Oh, Steven! No – I hadn’t looked at it quite like that. Me having to beat the Doctor! Golly Moses!’

  ‘That’s very quick of you, Cressida,’ said Paris, getting the door open at last. ‘Yes, I’m afraid you have to be the doctor. I say, you really can read the future, can’t you? Well done! Yes, I’ve brought you a patient,’ and he ushered me into the cell. I’m afraid the poor fellow’s had his eye gouged out – so do what you can for him, will you?’

  Vicki went pale – because I’m sure I wasn’t a sight calculated to amuse and entertain. ‘But I don’t know anything about -’ she was beginning, when I contrived to wink with my remaining eye – not as easy as you might think – and the bright girl took the hint. ‘I’ll be glad to help if I can,’ she said, and fainted. Very helpful.

  Well, we brought her round without too much trouble; and I was able to take her place on the improvised operating table – a sort of ornamental rack, I think it was.

  ‘Good then,’ said Paris, ‘I’ll leave you to it. If you think he needs an anaesthetic, you can dot him one with that old mace there.’ I was rapidly going off him! ‘I’ll pop in later, and see how you are. Chin up, Sunshine!’ And off he toddled.

  Chapter 22

  Hull Low, Young Lovers

  To her evident relief, I dissuaded Vicki from attempting any miracles of modern surgery: so she did a little rudimentary face-mopping and brow-soothing; and, oh yes, she made me a rather sinister eye-patch out of something or other. And then I gave them the glad tidings about the wooden horse. It didn’t cheer them up any.

  ‘But when I suggested that to him yesterday,’ said Steven – so he’d suggested it now? – ‘the Doctor said it wouldn’t work!’

  ‘Well, now he’s been converted,’ I said, ‘thinks it’s the greatest idea since Prometheus invented external combustion! Mind you,’ I admitted, ‘that’s only since he decided man wasn’t meant to fly – otherwise we’d have been up to here by now in giant paper darts!’

  I explained about that; and, for the first time, Vicki perked up a bit. ‘He’s gone gaga – thats what it is!’ she squeaked. If that’s his form at the moment, Steven, I’m not so worried about the competition. I’m bound to come up with something at least marginally better than that, I should think.’

  ‘Such as?’ he enquired, sourly.

  ‘Well, give me time – I’ll get there.’

  ‘As long as you let me know when you have, so that I can work out a way of stopping you. Don’t be fatuous, Vicki: if you win, then the Doctor’s for the high jump!’

  ‘And if he wins, we are – yes, I keep forgetting. Oh dear, isn’t it all complicated?’

  ‘Very,’ he gloomed. There was a long silence, to which I contributed as heartily as anyone. I did wonder whether to cheer them up by telling them about Odysseus’ plan for do-it-yourself loot, rape, and pillage – but decided against it. No point in piling what’sit on thingummy, is there?

  But after a while there was an interruption – provided by young Troilus, in a state of ill-concealed seething jealousy. Well, if it wasn’t one prince, it was another.

  Steven tactfully removed himself from the grating, where for the last half-hour he’d been doing his impression of ‘The Thinker’ – and, personally, I pretended to be unconscious. I’d got quite enough to worry about, without getting involved in a teenage tiff!

  Before getting down to the main business of the day, Troilus asked who I was.

  ‘Oh, nobody of any importance,’ explained Vicki, ‘it’s just someone who’s lost an eye.’

  ‘And you’re helping him look for it, I suppose? Really, Cressida – how many men do you want in your life?’

  She flew at him – as well she might. I wasn’t likely contender in ‘The most eligible bachelor’ stakes, at the time... ‘I’ve been nursing him, that’s all! I suppose you wouldn’t understand about a thing like that, you great musclebound oaf? What do you mean, how many men?’

  ‘Well, what about this Diomede, then? I tell you here and now, I didn’t believe a word of that story about meeting him at the Olympic Games. Diana’s Grove, indeed! What do you take me for?’

  She froze. ‘I prefer not to take you at all: but if I have to, it’s as a silly little jealous boy, with tantrums! It so happens that Diomede is a very dear friend of mine!’

  ‘A friend? And is that all?’

  ‘All? I suppose you couldn’t understand about friend-ship, would you? Oh no, it’s all soppy love and kisses with you, isn’t it?’

  ‘As a matter of fact...’

  ‘Well, you needn’t bother!’

  ‘Very well then, I won’t!’

  And lots more to the same effect. Really! At a time like this!

  ‘He’s in the next cell, I suppose?’

  ‘And what if he is?’

  ‘It just seems very convenient, that’s all!’

  ‘Convenient for what?’

  ‘Friendship – so you say!’

  ‘Oh, of course it is,’ said Vicki. ‘The wall’s only about three feet thick. Just the thing for playing noughts and crosses on. We do that a lot!’

  ‘I suppose you’re going to say now, you don’t use the executioner’s hatch?’

  ‘The executioner’s what? I don’t think I know that game.’

  ‘Stop pretending! It’s right under your nose, here.’ And Troilus swivelled a pivotted stone slab. ‘It’s the way the headsman comes in at night. If we get a lot of difficult prisoners who look as if they’re going to make a fuss, he goes from cell to cell, and kills them while they’re asleep. Saves a lot of trouble. I know about it, because father used to send us to play down here, when we were boys. Look, your other friend’s got his head on the block now.’

  I sat up instantly. Not a pleasant thought.

  ‘Well,’ continued Troilus, ‘aren’t you going to come in, Diomede? I mean, don’t let me stop you. I’d hate to think I was in the way...

  And so Steven crawled through the hatch, and joined the company – looking rather foolish. Well, I suppose we all did: the opening was obvious enough, now it had been pointed out.

  ‘Only don’t try to start anything,’ warned Troilus, ‘because I’ve got my sword; and I’m just longing for an excuse to use it!’

  You could tell he was: he kept easing the thing in and out of its scabbard. Steven hastened to assure him that he deplored violence in any form – especially that one.

  Troilus sneered. ‘I suppose that’s why Paris was able to capture you? I thought you looked as if there was something lacking!’

  Vicki sprang to Steven’s defence: ‘Look here, Troilus, if you’ve just dropped in to insult my friend, you can jolly well go back where you came from! I can’t think what you’re doing here, anyway. I’m sure I don’t want to see you.’

  ‘Oh, don’t you? Very well – in that case I’ll just take your food back to the kitchens.’ He picked up a hamper he’d dumped by the door... Our stomachs rumbled as one stomach. He turned in the doorway, and relented. ‘Look, are you quite sure you don’t want some of this? I’ve been to an awful lot of trouble to get it – and the others would be furious, if they knew.’

  My heart bled for the boy. Love isn’
t easy at the best of times – and this wasn’t one of them.

  ‘Oh, please , Troilus,’ said Vicki, ‘I’m sorry if I was rude – but you were being so silly, and all over nothing. Diomede is just my friend, aren’t you, Steven?’

  ‘I try to be,’ said Steven Diomede, ‘but sometimes you make it very difficult.’

  ‘She does, doesn’t she?’ agreed Troilus. ‘I’d noticed that. Well then, everything’s all right. I say, do you mind if I join you? I haven’t eaten since I got back from patrol.’ And he fell upon the salamanders in aspic like a wolf unfolded.

  We hastened to compete. At this rate, there wouldn’t be a lot left.

  ‘Patrol?’ enquired Vicki, between bites, ‘Surely you’re not mixed up in the fighting, are you? You’re too young!’

  ‘These days, military service begins as soon as you can wrestle your weight in wild-cats! Which I can,’ he added, unnecessarily. ‘Anyway, I’ll bet I’m older than you are?’

  It was agreed, after some discussion, that they were both eighteen next birthday: and the earth-shattering coincidence of this, seemed to take their minds off everything else for the time being. They chattered away to each other like a couple of budgerigars who’ve been at the cuttle-fish a bit. Steven and I looked at each other, and shrugged: youth!

  Youth! Quite nauseating!

  But at length Steven decided that, although young love might be all very well in its way, it was time to return to the matter in hand.

  ‘I say, Troilus,’ he said, ‘I’m sorry to interrupt, and all that; but since you two seem to have so much in common, do you think there’s any chance you might persuade your father to let us out of here?’

  That put a damper on the proceedings, as I could have told him it would. A cloud passed rapidly across the young prince’s face and settled in the region of his eye-brows.

  ‘I’m afraid not,’ he sighed, ‘unless Cressida comes up with a brilliant idea for the war-effort. Don’t be misled by those twinkling eyes of his – they’re ice-crystals, those are; as most of us have good reason to know. I suppose you haven’t thought of anything, have you?’

  Vicki shook her head, sadly; and I was afraid that under this new-found infatuation of hers, she might be tempted to blow the official secrets act wide open, and tell Troilus what the Doctor was preparing for their entertainment. Love can sometimes play the devil with old loyalties. So I persuaded my mind to race in some last despairing circles and – do you know? it found something, and pounced on it with a glad cry! Of course – there was a way in which Vicki could seem to have helped the Trojans, without putting the Doctor at risk. There was one vital little piece of information, which I had forgotten to pass on to them.

  ‘Oh, I don’t know, Cressida,’ I mused, ‘I thought that plan of yours for persuading the whole Greek navy to sail away, was quite brilliant!’

  ‘What plan?’ lisped the idiot child.

  ‘Well, obviously, you know far more about it than I do – I’m not entirely sure of the details – but I must say, that spell you concocted put the fear of Olympus into me; and I bet it’ll have done the same to the Greeks by now!’

  ‘Oh, that ?’ she said, catching on rather late in the day. ‘Do you really think so? It was only an experiment, after all.’

  ‘Well, of course it’s only about an hour since you did it, so it may be rather early to say. But it should be dawn by now, and I’d think there’d be some sign of movement, if it’s going to work at all. Tell you what, Troilus – why don’t you scoot up to one of the watch-towers, and see if the retreat’s started yet? I’d be jolly interested to know!’

  He looked at me with his eyes popping like seed-pods in summer, so did Vicki and Steven, come to that. Not having my privileged information, they obviously thought my wound had produced new complications of a dangerous nature.

  And then Troilus darted off on his errand like Atalanta in a marathon – though remembering, damnit, to lock the cell door behind him. ‘Wait here,’ he said, ridiculously, ‘I’ll go and see!’

  And off he went.

  Chapter 23

  A Victory Celebration

  We didn’t have to wait very long: he was back in no time, bubbling with euphoria. Yes – the Greeks had gone! Not a ship to be seen anywhere, so presumably they’d sailed for home; and presumably Cressida, the wonder-girl who tells your fortune, speaks your weight, and halves the house-work, was responsible!

  Anyway, Paris had gone to make cautiously sure; but there seemed to be no doubt about the matter: and since, as the slogan writers were already saying, a Greek defeat was joy for Troy, would we care to come upstairs to a hastily summoned conference-cum-saturnalia that Priam was preparing for us? Wild revelry, tumult, and little savoury biscuits there would be – he could promise us that!

  Well, of course we would so care – although there was some little local difficulty at first about whether Diomede was included in the invitation: I mean ‘bring a friend’ is one thing, but ‘an enemy alien’ quite another.

  However, as I pointed out, since his former associates and colleagues had left him lurching, there wasn’t a lot he could do to undermine Troy all on his own – so why not forget and forgive? And the point was taken – as usual I had to think of everything! – so, by the time we entered the State Apartments, we were all congratulating each other like old friends wondering who’s going to pay for the drinks! Very uproarious and convivial, the whole thing!

  A bevy of dancing girls was high-stepping it about the ballroom, scattering rose petals all over the mosaic – never mind that someone would have to sweep them up afterwards.

  Helen was smouldering as usual; but rather thought-fully, I fancied; because it had probably just occurred to her, amid the general rejoicing, that if Menelaus really had gone back to Sparta, then she could whistle for any alimony she might have been expecting.

  And Cassandra, poor dear, had slipped into something more than usually grotesque for the occasion – an eye-catching little snake-skin number, with trimmings of sack-cloth and ashes – because really she’d achieved the necromancer’s equivalent of forecasting hail in a heat-wave, hadn’t she? But never mind – she’d get her gloomy revenge before too long, if I wasn’t very much mistaken...

  However, old King Priam was on top of his form. He advanced to meet us, dithering with delight, as if to say he’d always known the prodigal daughter would come up trumps; and any fatted calves in the vicinity had better watch out, if they knew what was good for them.

  ‘Cressida, my dear girl,’ he said, ‘why on earth couldn’t you have told us before you were going to do something like this? You’d have saved yourself all that time in the cells – and us a great deal of needless worry!’

  ‘She didn’t tell you,’ croaked Cassandra, absolutely in mid-season shape, ‘because it’s some kind of treachery! Don’t trust her further, father!’

  And she was right, of course. Although the treachery was mine, if anybody’s.

  ‘Stuff and silly nonsense!’ shouted Priam. ‘Go and feed the sacred serpents, or something! If you can’t behave pleasantly at a time like this, then I’d rather you didn’t infest the festivities at all! Now look – I don’t want to be hard on you – why don’t you dance with that nice Diomede – he’s all on his own? Caper about a bit like the rest of us – enjoy yourself for once – it’ll do you good!’

  To Steven’s wan relief, she didn’t seem much taken with the idea, and retired to the outskirts of the proceedings in a marked manner. He beckoned me over to him.

  ‘Don’t you think, Cyclops, it’s time you were on your way?’

  This puzzled me. ‘I wasn’t thinking of going on anywhere just yet,’ I said, ‘it looks like rather a good party, don’t you think?’

  ‘You’re not using your head,’ he snapped. I liked that! I’d done all the constructive thinking, so far! ‘You’ve got to go and tell the Doctor that we’re quite all right now, so he doesn’t need to rescue us after all. Tell him to forget about that fool hor
se, and just meet us at the TARDIS later. Tell him where it is, and suggest we rendezvous there at... say... nine-thirty tomorrow morning. That should give us time to get over the celebrations.’

  I couldn’t believe my ears! And I was about to explain to him that I didn’t think, somehow, it was in the Doctor’s gift to cancel the operation, when there.was an interruption.

  ‘Ah, here comes Paris,’ said Priam, happy to see him for once. ‘Well, my boy – have the Greeks really gone?’

  ‘As far as I could tell from a distance,’ said Paris, not wishing to commit himself. ‘As a matter of fact, I didn’t like to go right up to the actual camp-site.’

  ‘Why on earth not? Upon my soul there’s nothing to be nervous of now – Achilles will have disappeared with the rest of them! Go back at once, and have a proper look!’

  ‘Well the point is that there does seem to be something there; and, I don’t really know how to put this, but I think it may be the Great Horse of Asia!’

  Not the sort of remark, you may think, to contribute much to the party spirit; and, if so, you are right! There was what is known as a rapt silence; and even the hips of the dancing girls bumped and ground to a standstill.

  ‘You think it’s what ?’ asked Priam, incredulously.

  ‘Well, if it isn’t, it’s first cousin to it. Standing all by itself, just this side of the Graecian lines. Look, you should be able to see it from here – it’s enormous!’

  So the meeting adjourned to one of the watch-towers. Yes, there it was all right, the Doctor’s brain-child – or mine! And, I must say, even at that distance, it looked formidable – ominous, you know, and somehow sinister. Just a wooden horse, after all... but no – there was more to it than that. I tell you, my hackles rose at the sight of it! Odd – very! Even Priam was speechless for once.

  Vicki was first off the mark: ‘So that’s the Trojan Horse,’ she sighed. ‘Oh, dear...’

  ‘That’s the what, did you say?’ asked Troilus.

  Cassandra zoomed in, on the instant. ‘Yes, ask her, you besotted young fool! She knows very well what it is! It is our doom – it is the death of Troy, brought upon us by the cursed witch!’