The Penguin Book of the British Short Story, Volume 1

by Philip Hensher

  If your master sends you with a small trifling present to one of his friends, be as careful of it as you would be of a diamond ring: therefore, if the present be only half a dozen pippins, send up the servant who received the message to say, that you were ordered to deliver them with your own hands. This will shew your exactness and care to prevent accidents or mistakes; and the gentleman or lady cannot do less than give you a shilling: so when your master receives the like present, teach the messenger who brings it to do the same, and give your master hints that may stir up his generosity; for brother servants should assist one another, since it is for all their master’s honour, which is the chief point to be consulted by every good servant, and of which he is the best Judge.

  When you step but a few doors off to tattle with a wench, or take a running pot of ale, or to see a brother footman going to be hanged, leave the street door open, that you may not be forced to knock, and your,master discover you are gone out; for a quarter of an hour’s time can do his service no injury.

  When you take away the remaining pieces of bread after dinner, put them on foul plates, and press them down with other plates over them, so as no body can touch them; and thus, they will be a good perquisite to the blackguard boy in ordinary.

  When you are forced to clean your master’s shoes with your own hands, use the edge of the sharpest case knife, and dry them with the toes an inch from the fire, because wet shoes are dangerous; and besides, by these arts you will get them the sooner for yourself.

  In some families the master often sends to the tavern for a bottle of wine, and you are the messenger: I advise you, therefore, to take the smallest bottle you can find; but however, make the drawer give you a full quart, then you will get a good sup for yourself, and your bottle will be filled. As for a cork to stop it, you need be at no trouble, for your thumb will do as well, or a bit of dirty chewed paper.

  In all disputes with chairmen and coachmen, for demanding too much, when your master sends you down to chaffer with them, take pity of the poor fellows, and tell your master that they will not take a farthing less: it is more for your interest to get share of a pot of ale, than to save a shilling for your master, to whom it is a trifle.

  When you attend your lady in a dark night, if she useth her coach, do not walk by the coach side, so as to tire and dirt yourself, but get up into your proper place, behind it, and so hold the flambeau sloping forward over the coach roof; and when it wants snuffing, dash it against the corners.

  When you leave your lady at church on Sundays, you have two hours safe to spend with your companions at the ale-house, or over a beef stake and a pot of beer at home with the cook, and the maids; and indeed poor servants have so few opportunities to be happy, that they ought not to lose any.

  Never wear socks when you wait at meals, on the account of your own health, as well as of theirs who sit at table; because as most ladies like the smell of young mens toes, so it is a sovereign remedy against the vapours.

  Chuse a service, if you can, where your livery colours are least tawdry and distinguishing: green and yellow, immediately betray your office, and so do all kinds of lace, except silver, which will hardly fall to your share, unless with a duke, or some prodigal just come to his estate. The colours you ought to wish for, are blue, or filemot, turned up with red; which with a borrowed sword, a borrowed air, your master’s linnen, and an improved confidence added to a natural, will give you what title you please, where you are not known.

  When you carry dishes or other things out of the room at meals, fill both your hands as full as possible; for, although you may sometimes spill, and sometimes let fall, yet you will find at the year’s end, you have made great dispatch, and saved abundance of time.

  If your master or mistress happens to walk the streets, keep you on one side, and as much on the level with them as you can, which people observing, will either think you do not belong to them, or that you are one of their companions; but, if either of them happen to turn back and speak to you, so that you are under the necessity to take off your hat, use but your thumb and one finger, and scratch your head with the rest.

  In winter time light the dining-room fire but two minutes before dinner is served up, that your master may see, how saving you are of his coals.

  When you are ordered to stir up the fire, clean away the ashes from between the bars with the fire-brush.

  When you are ordered to call a coach, although it be midnight, go no further than the door, for fear of being out of the way when you are wanted; and there stand bawling, coach, coach, for half an hour.

  Although you gentlemen in livery have the misfortune to be treated scurvily by all mankind, yet you make a shift to keep up your spirits, and sometimes arrive at considerable fortunes. I was an intimate friend to one of our brethren, who was footman to a court lady: she had an honourable employment, was sister to an earl, and the widow of a man of quality. She observed something so polite in my friend, the gracefulness with which he tript before her chair, and put his hair under his hat, that she made him many advances; and one day taking the air in her coach with Tom behind it, the coachman mistook the way, and stopt at a priviledged chaple, where the couple were marryed, and Tom came home in the chariot by his lady’s side: but he unfortunately taught her to drink brandy, of which she dyed, after having pawned all her plate to purchase it, and Tom is now a journeyman malster.

  Boucher, the famous gamester, was another of our fraternity, and when he was worth 50,000l. he dunned the Duke of B—m for an arrear of wages in his service; and I could instance many more, particularly another, whose son had one of the chief employments at court; and is sufficient to give you the following advice, which is to be pert and sawcy to all mankind, especially to the chaplain, the waiting-woman, and the better sort of servants in a person of quality’s family, and value not now and then a kicking, or a caning; for your insolence will at last turn to good account; and from wearing a livery, you may probably soon carry a pair of colours.

  When you wait behind a chair at meals, keep constantly wriggling the back of the chair, that the person behind whom you stand, may know you are ready to attend him.

  When you carry a parcel of china plates, if they chance to fall, as it is a frequent misfortune, your excuse must be, that a dog ran across you in the hall; that the chamber-maid accidentally pushed the door against you; that a mop stood across the wntry, and tript you up; that your sleeve stuck against the key, or button of the lock.

  When your master and lady are talking together in their bed-chamber, and you have some suspicion that you or your fellow-servants are concerned in what they say, listen at the door for the publick good of the servants, and join all to take proper measures for preventing any innovations that may hurt the community.

  Be not proud in prosperity: you have heard that fortune turns on a wheel; if you have a good place, you are at the top of the wheel. Remember how often you have been stripped, and kicked out of doors, your wages all taken up beforehand, and spent in translated red-heel’d shoes, second-hand toupees, and repair’d lace ruffles, besides a swinging debt to the ale-wife and the brandy-shop. The neighbouring tapster, who before would beckon you over to a savoury bit of ox-cheek in the morning, give it you gratis, and only score you up for the liquor, immediately after you were packt off in disgrace, carried a petition to your master, to be paid out of your wages, whereof not a farthing was due, and then pursued you with bailiffs into every blind cellar. Remember how soon you grew shabby, thread-bare, and out-at-heels; was forced to borrow an old livery coat, to make your appearance while you were looking for a place; and sneak to every house where you have an old acquaintance to steal you a scrap, to keep life and soul together; and upon the whole, were in the lowest station of human life, which, as the old ballad says, is that of a skipkennel turned out of place: I say, remember all this now in your flourishing condition. Pay your contributions duly to your late brothers the cadets, who are left to the wide world: take one of them as your dependant, to s
end on your lady’s messages when you have a mind to go to the ale-house; slip him out privately now and then a slice of bread, and a bit of cold meat, your master can afford it; and if he be not yet put upon the establishment for a lodging, let him lye in the stable, or the coach-house, or under the back-stairs, and recommend him to all the gentlemen who frequent your house, as an excellent servant.

  To grow old in the office of a footman, is the highest of all indignities: therefore when you find years coming on, without hopes of a place at court, a command in the army, a succession to the stewardship, an employment in the revenue (which two last you cannot obtain without reading and writing) or running away with your master’s niece or daughter; I directly advise you to go upon the road, which is the only post of honour left you: there you will meet many of your old comrades, and live a short life and a merry one, and make a figure at your exit, wherein I will give you some instructions.

  The last advice I shall give you, relates to your behaviour when you are going to be hanged; which, either for robbing your master, for house-breaking, or going upon the high-way, or in a drunken quarrel, by killing the first man you meet, may very probably be your lot, and is owing to one of these three qualities; either a love of good fellowship, a generosity of mind, or too much vivacity of spirits. Your good behaviour on this article, will concern your whole community: at your tryal deny the fact with all solemnity of imprecations: a hundred of your brethren, if they can be admitted, will attend about the bar, and be ready upon demand to give you a good character before the court: let nothing prevail on you to confess, but the promise of a pardon for discovering your comrades: but, I suppose all this to be in vain, for if you escape now, your fate will be the same another day. Get a speech to be written by the best author of Newgate: some of your kind wenches will provide you with a Holland shirt, and white cap crowned with a crimson or black ribbon: take leave chearfully of all your friends in Newgate: mount the cart with courage: fall on your knees: lift up your eyes: hold a book in your hands although you cannot read a word: deny the fact at the gallows: kiss and forgive the hangman, and so farewell: you shall be buried in pomp, at the charge of the fraternity: the surgeon shall not touch a limb of you; and your fame shall continue until a successor of equal renown succeeds in your place.

  Henry Fielding

  The Female Husband

  That propense inclination which is for very wise purposes implanted in the one sex for the other, is not only necessary for the continuance of the human species; but is, at the same time, when govern’d and directed by virtue and religion, productive not only of corporeal delight, but of the most rational felicity.

  But if once our carnal appetites are let loose, without those prudent and secure guides, there is no excess and disorder which they are not liable to commit, even while they pursue their natural satisfaction; and, which may seem still more strange, there is nothing monstrous and unnatural, which they are not capable of inventing, nothing so brutal and shocking which they have not actually committed.

  Of these unnatural lusts, all ages and countries have afforded us too many instances; but none I think more surprising than what will be found in the history of Mrs Mary, otherwise Mr George Hamilton.

  This heroine in iniquity was born in the Isle of Man, on the 16th Day of August, 1721. Her father was formerly a serjeant of grenadiers in the Foot-Guards, who having the good fortune to marry a widow of some estate in that island, purchased his discharge from the army, and retired thither with his wife.

  He had not been long arrived there before he died, and left his wife with child of this Mary; but her mother, tho’ she had not two months to reckon, could not stay till she was delivered, before she took a third husband.

  As her mother, tho’ she had three husbands, never had any other child, she always express’d an extraordinary affection for this daughter, to whom she gave as good an education as the island afforded; and tho’ she used her with much tenderness, yet was the girl brought up in the strictest principles of virtue and religion; nor did she in her younger years discover the least proneness to any kind of vice, much less give cause of suspicion that she would one day disgrace her sex by the most abominable and unnatural pollutions. And indeed she hath often declared from her conscience, that no irregular passion ever had any place in her mind, till she was first seduced by one Anne Johnson, a neighbour of hers, with whom she had been acquainted from her childhood; but not with such intimacy as afterwards grew between them.

  This Anne Johnson going on some business to Bristol, which detained her there near half a year, became acquainted with some of the people called Methodists, and was by them persuaded to embrace their sect.

  At her return to the Isle of Man, she soon made an easy convert of Molly Hamilton, the warmth of whose disposition rendered her susceptible enough of Enthusiasm, and ready to receive all those impressions which her friend the Methodist endeavoured to make on her mind.

  These two young women became now inseparable companions, and at length bed-fellows: for Molly Hamilton was prevail’d on to leave her mother’s house, and to reside entirely with Mrs Johnson, whose fortune was not thought inconsiderable in that cheap country.

  Young Mrs Hamilton began to conceive a very great affection for her friend, which perhaps was not returned with equal faith by the other. However, Mrs Hamilton declares her love, or rather friendship, was totally innocent, till the temptations of Johnson first led her astray. This latter was, it seems, no novice in impurity, which, as she confess’d, she had learnt and often practiced at Bristol with her methodistical sisters.

  As Molly Hamilton was extremely warm in her inclinations, and as those inclinations were so violently attached to Mrs Johnson, it would not have been difficult for a less artful woman, in the most private hours, to turn the ardour of enthusiastic devotion into a different kind of flame.

  Their conversation, therefore, soon became in the highest manner criminal, and transactions not fit to be mention’d past between them.

  They had not long carried on this wicked crime before Mrs Johnson was again called by her affairs to visit Bristol, and her friend was prevail’d on to accompany her thither.

  Here when they arrived, they took up their lodgings together, and lived in the same detestable manner as before; till an end was put to their vile amours, by the means of one Rogers, a young fellow, who by his extraordinary devotion (for he was a very zealous Methodist) or by some other charms, (for he was very jolly and handsome) gained the heart of Mrs Johnson, and married her.

  This amour, which was not of any long continuance before it was brought to a conclusion, was kept an entire secret from Mrs Hamilton; but she was no sooner informed of it, than she became almost frantic, she tore her hair, beat her breasts, and behaved in as outrageous a manner as the fondest husband could, who had unexpectedly discovered the infidelity of a beloved wife.

  In the midst of these agonies she received a letter from Mrs Johnson, in the following words, or as near them as she can possibly remember.

  Dear Molly,

  I know you will condemn what I have now done; but I condemn myself much more for what I have done formerly: For I take the whole shame and guilt of what hath passed between us on myself. I was indeed the first seducer of your innocence, for which I ask GOD’s pardon and yours. All the amends I can make you, is earnestly to beseech you, in the name of the Lord, to forsake all such evil courses, and to follow my example now, as you before did my temptation, and enter as soon as you can into that holy state into which I was yesterday called. In which, tho’ I am yet but a novice, believe me, there are delights infinitely surpassing the faint endearments we have experienc’d together. I shall always pray for you, and continue your friend.

  This letter rather increased than abated her rage, and she resolved to go immediately and upbraid her false friend; but while she was taking this resolution, she was informed that Mr Rogers and his bride were departed from Bristol by a messenger, who brought her a second short note, and a
bill for some money from Mrs Rogers.

  As soon as the first violence of her passion subsided, she began to consult what course to take, when the strangest thought imaginable suggested itself to her fancy. This was to dress herself in mens cloaths, to embarque for Ireland, and commence Methodist teacher.

  Nothing remarkable happened to her during the rest of her stay at Bristol, which adverse winds occasioned to be a whole week, after she had provided herself with her dress; but at last having procured a passage, and the wind becoming favourable, she set sail for Dublin.

  As she was a very pretty woman, she now appeared a most beautiful youth. A circumstance which had its consequences aboard the ship, and had like to have discovered her, in the very beginning of her adventures.

  There happened to be in the same vessel with this adventurer, a Methodist, who was bound to the same place, on the same design with herself.