The Werewolf and the Wormlord coaaod-8

by Hugh Cook

And this shocked the Knights to the core.

  It was no secret that the wealth of the Families was based on the slaughter of orks. While the ork-killing days were long since over, it was acknowledged that it was wealth won from ork-oil which had made the Families great, and which also made the Flesh Traders’ Financial Association a power to be reckoned with.

  Every Knight knew that his family had risen to greatness as a result of the murder of many orks.

  But, in Wen Endex it was an article faith that the killers of orks had always, as a chivalrous gesture, spared the females. Now the horrors of the past were revealed in full force. The victims of the orking days had been exclusively female; and those who killed them for fun and profit must have been fully aware of the fact. It was the big, blubbery females who were full of oil, for the timid little males were too small to have commercial potential.

  As the Knights were absorbing this shock, Morgenstem spoke:

  ‘Come to me, Ursy-thing. Come here, prattle-head. Bring me your perfumed lips, the pink of your underwear. Come to me, Ursy-thing. I want to strangle you.’

  ‘We — we fight with swords here,’ said Ursula Major unsteadily.

  ‘My champion is free to opt for unarmed combat if my champion so wishes it,’ said Alfric loudly. ‘That is the law, and you know it.’

  Ursula Major looked on him with hatred.

  There was no way Ursula Major could best an ork in combat, and she knew it. Ursula Major was a clothes horse, not a woman warrior in the shield maiden tradition. If Morgenstem insisted on unarmed combat, then Morgenstem must necessarily win, for the ork was at least twice the weight of the human female.

  ‘So,’ said Ursula. ‘So, they are females. The orks are females. Very well. Then let it be so written. Alfric Danbrog was championed by a woman. Thus he lived.’

  Then the Yudonic Knights began to laugh, for of course it was a great joke to think of Alfric being saved by an ork, and a female ork at that. As the Knights collapsed in paroxysms of backslapping and kneeslapping, Alfric realized his public humiliation was complete. Lower than this he could not go.

  When the laughter at last died down, the throneseated Ursula Major said:

  ‘Your doom is withdrawn. You are free to go.’ Then, to her Chief o f Protocol: ‘Show our guest out.’ Whereupon Guignol Grangalet invited Alfric to leave. He agreed that he would leave. There was, after all, nothing he could win by staying.

  ‘We’ll come with you,’ said Morgenstem, who was in the process of getting dressed again.

  ‘No,’ said Ursula Major. ‘I command you to attend a banquet to celebrate your victory today. You and your friend. Both the orks.’

  A half-dressed Morgenstem looked at Alfric.

  ‘I’ll be all right,’ said Alfric, who felt so miserable and humiliated that all he wanted was to escape from Saxo Pall.

  ‘Good speed,’ said Cod.

  ‘Thank you,’ said Alfric. ‘Thank you.’

  Then he bowed to the orks, bowed to the Knights, bowed to Ursula Major herself, then allowed the Chief of Protocol to lead him away.

  Through halls and corridors went Alfric Danbrog and Guignol Grangalet, down echoing stairwells and then through tunnelling dark. Alfric realized Grangalet was taking him into an unfamiliar part of the castle. Alfric meant to ask about this, but When he looked around, Grangalet had vanished.

  ‘My lord?’ said Alfric, uncertainly.

  He was sure the man had been behind him but a dozen footsteps previously.

  Cautiously, Alfric retraced his steps. Slipped through an archway. And And there was Nappy, and for Alfric there was no time to retreat, no time to run, and certainly no time to Change, for he would be dead before he could do any such thing.

  ‘Good evening, sir,’ said Nappy.

  Nappy’s happy brown eyes held no hint of menace, but the stiletto in his hands was living a life of its own, the quicksilver blade flickering as it danced by the light of an overhead lantern, its agility confirming what Alfric knew already. If Alfric were to Change, he would be dead before the first shadows had possessed his flesh. If he were to draw his sword, he would fall with that needle of steel buried in his heart. He could not run, he could not dodge or duck, he could not — would not — beg for mercy.

  He was a dead man.

  But he managed manners sufficient to say:

  ‘A good evening indeed. And how would you be on this night of nights?’

  ‘Very well, thank you sir,’ said Nappy. ‘May I invite you to step this way?’

  ‘By all means,’ said Alfric.

  And, commanded by a negligent gesture, Alfric Danbrog walked in front of Nappy. Waiting as he walked. Waiting for the knife. Between the vertebrae, doubtless. One blow to paralyse, another to kill. Or would it be in the back of the neck? Then one single strike would suffice to make death certain.

  Wherever the blow fell, this much was certain:

  Alfric Danbrog was a dead man.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  ‘Something wrong with your legs, sir?’

  ‘No,’ said Alfric, who had been deliberately slowing his pace to try to delay his arrival at his place of execution, wherever that might be. ‘No, not at all, nothing wrong, nothing.’

  And he lengthened his pace exceedingly.

  ‘That’s enough, sir.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I mean, sir, we’re here.’

  Alfric stopped still. Trembling. He waited. For the bite of the blade, the shrill agony, the murder-strike.

  ‘On your right, sir. The door on your right. Open it, if you would.’

  Alfric looked to his right. There was a door. An old, immensely heavy door made of polished oak. He could smell the polish. He even recognized the odour as that of Brondlord’s Furniture Polish, which was based on the oil of riverworms caught in the Riga Rimur. Viola Vanaleta used to use it regularly on all wooden furniture in Alfric’s house in Vamvelten Street.

  ‘The door, please. Open it, if you would.’

  There was a heavy iron ring set in the door. It was jet black, not from age but because it had been painted that colour. Reluctantly, Alfric’s fingers closed on the iron ring. It was cold, cold, cold as death and as heavy. What was beyond this door?

  Suddenly, Alfric knew.

  A psychic intuition told him.

  Never before had he had such a vivid premonition. But, under the stresses of the moment, unexpected powers were coming to life. He knew, then, that he could see the future. He could see what lay beyond that door, and what was going to happen to him. On the other side of the door there was a sickening drop to a pit full of slicing knives. And, as soon as Alfric opened the door, Nappy would kick him in the small of the back and precipitate him into that pit.

  Alfric felt sick.

  He urged himself to turn, to turn and fight, to die in combat, to die like a man.

  — But I cannot.

  — It is the future. I have seen it. Therefore it is fated. It is fixed. I cannot alter the future.

  So thinking, Alfric turned the heavy iron ring and pushed open the door. It screamed on its hinges. And revealed:

  A small room, lit by three lamps.

  A very warm, cosy room, heated by a small charcoal brazier.

  There was a faded red carpet on the floor; a truckle bed on the right side of the room, neatly made up with a featherdown duvet; there were two armchairs, each upholstered with a shaggy brown animal skin which might have been that of a yak; there was a small liquor-table sitting between the armchairs; and there were any number of oddments and knick-knacks on the wooden shelves affixed to the walls with skewering iron.

  ‘Take a seat, sir,’ said Nappy genially.

  Alfric stumbled into the room. As he did so, something flew up from the floor. He started, then saw it was only an untunchilamon, fleeing from a saucer of milk. Did Nappy put down milk especially for dragons? For a moment Alfric thought so, then saw the kitten curled up on the bed. He found his way to one of the chairs and sat down. The
door screamed on its hinges as Nappy closed it.

  ‘I thought you might like a drink before you go,’ said Nappy, seating himself in the other armchair.

  Before you go? What did that mean. Doubtless it was a new euphemism for dying. But, even so, a drink would not be out of place.

  ‘Yes,’ said Alfric. ‘Yes.’

  Gladly accepting Nappy’s hospitality.

  Nappy poured liquor into two thimble-skulls, and passed one of them to Alfric. He swallowed the contents at a gulp.

  ‘Would you like another one, sir?’

  ‘Yes, thank you.’

  While Nappy poured Alfric a second drink, an untunchilamon (maybe the very one Alfric had scared away from the saucer of milk) alighted on the liquor-table. Indulgently, Nappy poured the thing a thimble-skull of strong drink all for its very own. Alfric watched, fascinated, as the fingerlength dragon plunged its entire head into the thimble-skull. It stayed under for quite some time, while the level of liquor steadily sank.

  Then the dragon’s head emerged from the drink. Liquor gleamed wet and slick against its scales. The untunchilamon burped. Unfortunately, this action conjured forth a single spark of dragonfire. The dragon-spark ignited the liquor. Next moment, the little beast was wreathed in writhing fire.

  Instantly, Alfric saw that the dragon was doomed to be burnt alive, or at least badly injured. For, while dragons are firebreathers, they cannot live amidst fire, any more than can the human firebreather who performs at village festivals. So Alfric knew at once that the untunchilamon was in big trouble.

  Then the dragon was gone.

  Nappy had snatched the thing away and had plunged it into a pitcher of milk, reacting so swiftly to the unexpected that the thing was done even before Alfric had time to gape in dismay.

  ‘That’s the thing with them dragons, sir,’ said Nappy. ‘They like their liquor, but they don’t know the dangers of the stuff.’

  The pink-faced little man peered into the pitcher where the untunchilamon was swimming around in drunken circles. He hoicked it out and dumped it down on the liquor-table. The disgruntled dragon shook itself, throwing flecks of milk in all directions. Some splattered against the lenses of Alfric’s spectacles. He tried to take them off and clean them.

  ‘Here, sir,’ said Nappy, handing him a clean white handkerchief.

  ‘Thank you,’ said Alfric.

  He cleaned his spectacles then put them back on.

  ‘I’ve got cancer,’ said Nappy.

  But the words were said so casually that Alfric was not sure whether he had heard correctly.

  ‘It’s… it’s good drink,’ said Alfric, draining his.

  ‘Cancer,’ repeated Nappy.

  ‘You don’t mind if I pour myself another one?’ said Alfric.

  ‘In my gut it is. Started on the skin then ate its way in.’ ‘A very, very nice drop,’ said Alfric, draining his thimble-skull.

  ‘Here,’ said Nappy, pulling his clothes away from his midriff.

  Then Alfric had to look, had to, he had no choice, and it was cancer all right, cancer or some kind of lethal ulcer or something worse, yellow at the margins, yellow becoming brown, brown becoming wet black in the centre, and the centre was a kind of funnel that descended inward, inward to the wet pain and the glistening ooze.

  Then Nappy covered the thing once more.

  ‘A drink,’ said Alfric. ‘Maybe you’d like a drink.’

  He poured one for himself, one for Nappy.

  Then said:

  ‘How long have you got?’

  ‘The doctors, they gave me six months,’ said Nappy. ‘But that was last year. I won good money off Olaf Offorum. He bet I’d be dead by now. But, well, let’s put it this way. I’ve made no wagers since. I won’t last long, sir, not now.’

  ‘Do you take anything for it?’

  ‘Laudanum, sir. At nights. So I can sleep. But nothing during the day, no, have to stay sharp, you know. So it hurts, oh, it hurts, I won’t say it doesn’t hurt.’

  A pause.

  The untunchilamon took to the air, circled, then settled on Alfric’s head. He felt its claws seeking purchase. There was a tiny twinge of pain as its talons momentarily dug into his scalp. Then it settled, content with the grip it had established on the hairs of his head.

  Pain is the worse thing.

  ‘They want you dead, you know,’ said Nappy in a conspiratorial whisper.

  ‘I had suspected as much,’ said Alfric.

  Another pause.

  Then:

  ‘Yes,’ said Alfric.

  ‘That’s nice to know,’ said Nappy. ‘I was never sure, you see. I was always too… well, too shy to ask, if you know what I mean. They said I had a reputation, but I never really knew whether to believe them. It’s nice to know, now that… now that it’s all coming to an end.’

  ‘You’re — you’re not going to kill yourself, are you?’

  ‘Kill myself?’ said Nappy in wonderment. He thought about it, then laughed: ‘Oh, I see what you mean. No. No, sir. I’m not going to kill myself. Oh no, there’s no need for that. It’ll all end soon enough, without me doing anything about it. Would you like this, sir? As a souvenir, I mean.’

  So saying, Nappy offered Alfric his stiletto. Alfric blinked at the weapon. It had been gone from sight ever since they came into the room, but here it was again, back in Nappy’s hand, and Alfric was prepared to swear by a complete list of all his known ancestors that he had not seen Nappy sheath or unsheath the thing. The steel simply came and went. Like magic.

  ‘Thank you,’ said Alfric, gingerly reaching out and taking the stiletto. ‘It’s very kind of you to give me this.’

  ‘Oh, you’ve eamt it, you’ve eamt it. It’s my father, see.’

  ‘This?’ said Alfric, looking at the knife.

  The room no longer seemed cosy. Rather, it was hot, hot, overheated by the brazier. Alfric wanted to get out, to escape from Nappy, from Nappy’s cancer, from Nappy’s madness. He wanted to be out in the night, alone, utterly free from all the demands of the rest of humanity.

  ‘No, young sir, it’s not the knife I’m talking about,’ said Nappy. ‘It’s my dad. You met him, you see. He’s a werehamster.’

  ‘Ah,’ said Alfric, enlightened.

  ‘He was most impressed with you, he was. You leaving him the most of his treasure. As for what you took, why, I found out about that. What you wanted it for, I mean. That was very handsome of you.’

  ‘It was nothing, really,’ said Alfric, mystified as to why he should be getting such praise for such trivial acts of courtesy and (minimal) kindness.

  ‘It shows you as a generous man,’ said Nappy.

  ‘But I’m not,’ said Alfric, speaking the truth. ‘I’m narrow, intolerant and selfish to boot.’

  ‘Oh, that’s how you see yourself, doubtless,’ said Nappy. ‘That’s how you may be, too, set up against some absolute good. But people — people, young sir, I wouldn’t rightly like to speak of them, not the truth of them. It’s ugly, that’s what it is. But you’re not ugly, not ugly-evil at least.’

  ‘Thank you,’ said Alfric, wishing he could believe this were true.

  ‘So I’ve given you the knife,’ said Nappy. ‘I’d like you to have this, too.’

  With that, Nappy gouged out his right eye. Alfric locked his jaws together, choking off a scream. Nappy reached out. He had the eye in his hand. He wanted Alfric to take it. Carefully, Alfric put down the stiletto. He forced his fingers open. He extended his palm. Nappy pressed the eye into Alfric’s open palm.

  ‘Thank you,’ said Alfric.

  Then closed his fist on the eye, expecting it to sklish and squash, to splatter and spurt.

  But the eye was of glass, warm where it had been in contact with Nappy’s flesh, cool where it had been exposed to the night air. Alfric took a good long look at Nappy’s face. The gaping eyesocket was dark, and gave an unexpected touch of malevolence to Nappy’s countenance. But it was bloodless. The injury was years old.
‘Thank you,’ said Alfric. ‘Thank you very much.’

  ‘I thought… I thought you’d appreciate the gesture,’ said Nappy. ‘Something to remember me by. Now, young sir, I don’t want to impose on you, but I do need-someone to take over when I die.’

  ‘But of course,’ said Alfric, as if in a dream.

  He had no wish to be a killer, but he would be, if that was the only way for him to live.

  ‘I’ve got a list,’ said Nappy, opening a snuff box and taking out several sheets of onionskin which were almost covered by crabbed handwriting. ‘I wrote this out. I can write. There’s not many who can write, but I wouldn’t be wrong in taking you for one of them.’

  ‘I’m a Banker Third Class,’ said Alfric. Then, remembering his recent promotion: ‘No, Second Class. Anyway. All bankers can read.’

  ‘That’s what I thought,’ said Nappy. ‘So here’s the things, all the things, and what to do about them. There’s the asylum committee, that’s for the lunatics. The abortion clinic, not that I approve of it, it’s murder if you ask me, but if we don’t then others will, and better for it to be run on a non-profit basis, that’s what I always say. It’s a crime to make money out of something like that, don’t you think?’

  ‘Agreed,’ said Alfric weakly.

  ‘Then there’s the charity school.’

  ‘School?’ said Alfric. ‘What school?’

  ‘Oh, it’s a new project, you won’t have heard of it. Funding, that’s the problem. Not much money in Galsh Ebrek, you know. Not money enough for all the things that have to be done. But we have our sources. Begging, that’s what it is when you come right down to it. But the Knights don’t pay taxes, and it’s them that has the money, so how else can we get it?’

  Then Nappy led Alfric step by step through the intricacies of all the charity work he was involved in; then he passed his lists to Alfric; then Alfric swore himself to continue Nappy’s good deeds.

  ‘But,’ said Alfric, ‘what about the killing?’

  ‘Killing?’ said Nappy in surprise.

  ‘Yes,’ said Alfric. ‘I mean, someone has to do it.’

  ‘Oh, don’t worry your head about that, young master. Killing’s no problem. There’s always someone ready to kill. It’s looking after widows and children, that’s where the problem is. No, don’t you worry your head about any killing. They’ll find a killer with no trouble at all. Well, sir, that takes me to the end of it. I’ll show you to the Polta Door.’