From This Day Forward

by Deborah Cox

  Having to nurse the baby herself might seriously curtail her freedom, but she didn't care one whit. There was nowhere else she'd rather be than with her son, unless, of course, she was with his father.

  Jason had saved them both from the jungle and the river. If only she could save him from himself.

  She closed her eyes with a sigh. Some things never changed, at least Jason never changed. He was infuriatingly predictable. In the weeks since they returned, he hadn't spoken more than three words to her. He'd avoided her. practically living in the orchards, probably sleeping at the beneficio, even though the fires had long since died out and the danger to what was left of the trees was over.

  Well, he might be able to ignore her, but he hadn't been able to achieve that level of indifference where his son was concerned. More than once, she'd caught him standing over the cradle in the main sitting room, gazing down at the infant with such a stark, bottomless yearning that she was forced to turn away. It was as if he was suddenly afraid to touch little Jase, after delivering him and caring for him through that first night.

  Assured that Jase was fine and sleeping soundly, she left the bedroom for the sitting room, stopping before the window and gazing down at the courtyard below.

  There he was, sitting at the stone table, his head in his hands. She stiffened at the sight of the bottle on the table before him.

  Driven by anger and frustration, Caroline tore the door open and marched down the stairs, not stopping until she stood over his hunched form. Reluctantly he lifted his head, his glazed, blood-shot eyes narrowing at the sight of her.

  "Is this your answer, Jason?" she asked bitterly. "Will you deal with life by staying drunk?"

  She grabbed the bottle, intent on smashing it on the patio as he'd done once before. To her surprise, the bottle was full, the seal unbroken.

  Her first thought was that he had dispatched another bottle and this was his second, but when he opened his mouth to speak, she detected not a trace of liquor on his breath. Something else had caused the glazed, lost look in his eyes.

  "I can't let you go," he murmured. "I'm sorry, Caroline. I... I just can't You have no reason to believe me when I tell you I'd never hurt you or our child, not after all I've done. But I won't come near you, either of you. If I can just see you and know that you're here, maybe it will be enough. It'll have to be enough."

  Impulsively, Caroline reached out to him, wanting somehow to ease the agony in his soul. She rested a hand on his broad shoulder, feeling the muscles tense beneath her fingers.

  "Jason, we can't live in the same house and never speak to one another. You know that won't work. I can't bear it when you withdraw from me."

  "It'll have to work," he said desperately, twisting away from her and coming to his feet. "I'll make it work. You have my word. I'll sleep at the beneficio from now on. I'll—"

  "Foolish man," she muttered, shaking her head in a gesture of pity and helplessness. "You'll never hold your son again? You'll never want to make love to me again?"

  He glared at her, running a hand through his hair. "Wanting and doing are two different things."

  "It won't work, Jason." Did he truly believe it would?

  "We can make it work. There's no other way because I'm not letting you go. I'll give you a gun and teach you how to use it, and if I ever touch either of you, I want you to shoot me...."

  Caroline tried with all her might but couldn't stifle the laughter that welled up from her throat.

  "This isn't funny, Caroline." The grimness of his expression pushed her closer to complete loss of control, but she forced herself to appear chagrined.

  "I'm sorry, Jason. I can't help it. Are you finished with your nonsense?"

  "Nonsense? Is that what you call it?"

  "Yes. What do you call it? Listen to me, you've tried to send me away since I first arrived here. And I've tried to leave. We've both failed. Don't you see? We're meant to be together. I have no doubt that if I tried to leave again, another boat would capsize or alligators would pick me up and carry me back. I'm not going anywhere."

  "Then we agree...."

  "I listened to you, Jason," she said, taking him by the arm and guiding him back to the table. He didn't resist when she pushed him gently into the chair he'd vacated and stood close before him. "It's only fair that you hear me out. I know I talk too much. I know I've pushed you beyond the bounds of human restraint. I'm sorry for trying to force you to change, to become what I thought I wanted you to be. I want you just the way you are. You are everything I want."

  "How can you say that? You were right about me. I am a coward. I bully and hurt those who are weaker than me...."

  "No, you're a coward because you're afraid of loving and being loved. It has nothing to do with this imagined violence—"

  "I nearly hit you," he said. Guilt and torment showed plainly on his expressive face. "Damn! Have you forgotten? I drew back my hand. In another minute...."

  "In another minute you stopped, Jason," she said, pressing her fingers against his lips to silence him. "I'll admit you frightened me, enough that I felt I had to leave. But I didn't do it because I was afraid of you for myself. I was afraid for my child. I didn't want him born into a house where there were so many things unresolved. I never, never believed that you would physically harm me or our child."

  Jason stared at her dubiously.

  "All right, for a flicker of an instant I thought you might. But you didn't. We all get that angry. God knows, I've done nothing but push you and test your patience since I've been here. But you are not your father. You are not anything like him, so you can stop using that as an excuse."

  "I see no difference."

  He made as if to rise, and Caroline lowered her body gingerly to his lap, careful of her broken arm, intent on keeping him still while she made her point.

  "The difference is that you stopped. Your father would not have. That's what separates us from him: not the emotion, the action. I would trust you implicitly with our son, who by the way is in desperate need of a name, unless you want him to grow up being called Boy."

  "My God, woman, are you afraid of nothing?" His admiration for her knew no bounds.

  "You know I am, Jason. You know what a coward I am."

  "You were hurt and confused," he said, realizing that she spoke of the night the baby was born. "You're all right now."

  "Thanks to you, Jason," she said, her voice breaking with emotion. "We would have died if not for you. You were so sweet, so gentle that night. You cared for me and for our baby as if you'd been doing it all your life. And now the only thing I'm afraid of is losing you."

  "You can't lose me," he murmured against her throat, his voice sending currents of pleasure through her body. "I won't allow it. You are the miracle of my life, Caroline. I don't deserve any of this."

  Lifting his face with her good hand in order to look into his eyes, Caroline murmured, "Shut up, foolish man, and kiss me."

  Her lips came down on his and his mouth opened to welcome her. Though she initiated the kiss, he soon took control, kissing her fiercely, possessively, caressing her gently, as if she were something precious.

  "I love you, Caroline," he said, his voice raw with desire and emotion, "but for the life of me, I can't understand how you could care for me. I can't even understand why you came here, after reading those damned letters I wrote to—" he stopped himself with a laugh, "—I thought I'd written to Derek."

  "But that's exactly why I came," she explained. "You let me glimpse your heart in those letters. If not for those letters, I'd have run away screaming a long time ago."

  "I don't even know why I wrote those things," he said thoughtfully.

  "I think I do," she said with a smile. "When I started writing back, you started opening up. I think you sensed a kindred spirit, even though you weren't even aware of it."

  "Maybe you're right," he agreed, his eyes glowing with admiration and love. "But they were filled with dark tales of my past."


  "Yes, but they spoke of a man in torment, a man with a beautiful soul who only needed the right woman to convince him of his own goodness and to make him happy, in spite of himself. Are you happy? Or are you still afraid that if you care for us we'll be taken away?"

  Jason buried his face in the crook of her neck, growling deep in his throat. "You terrify me, do you know that?"

  "Why?"

  "Because you know me so well."

  Caroline drew back so that she could look into his eyes. "I'll never betray you, Jason. Never. I'll always love you."

  "A miracle, that's what you are," he said, kissing her hungrily again.

  Finally Caroline pulled away, gazing into his beloved face. "The miracle is upstairs sound asleep and waiting for his parents to give him a name."

  Jason smiled. "I'm not good at this kind of thing. Surely over the months you've thought of names."

  Smiling mischievously, Caroline said, "Well, I thought we might name him Jason."

  She felt his body tense beneath her and waited expectantly. "After me? But—"

  "I like it," she interrupted. "Jason Sinclair Junior. Of course, we'll call him Jase to avoid confusion."

  "Do you really want to name him after me?"

  "Very much. I can't think of a more appropriate name, Jason. He is your son. And you saved us both. You brought him into the world. You were the first one to hold him, to see him."

  "I know," he murmured, his voice thick with unshed tears. "I'll never forget that moment.... Neither will you, I suppose."

  Caroline shrugged, pushing the memory of pain and fear from her mind. "I remember you talking to me, telling me everything would be all right. I remember you holding him up so I could see him. The pain doesn't even matter now. He's so beautiful, so perfect."

  "Oh, God, you'll never know how much I love you."

  "Tell me! Tell me!" she teased.

  Jason laughed. "I never have told you, have I? I told Ignacio in the wedding ceremony, but I've never told you."

  Now it was Caroline's turn to laugh, as she imagined Jason and Ignacio standing before the local magistrate repeating wedding vows. It was funnier than the picture of her and Melanie.

  "I've got it!" Jason shouted, coming to his feet and carrying her with him. "We'll have another ceremony. We'll speak our vows to each other."

  "That sounds wonderful! We'll wait for the priest—"

  "Wait? I don't want to wait. Let's set our new wedding date for three days from now."

  "Three days? But how--"

  "You just leave the details to me. Three days from tonight, Mrs. Sinclair!"

  "But Jason, how...?"

  "For once, don't argue, Caroline. For once, just trust me."

  "I trust you forever and always, Jason. Never doubt that."

  Epilogue

  I, Jason Sinclair, take thee, Caroline Marshall Sinclair, to be my lawful wedded wife," Jason said solemnly.

  Caroline stood on the empty patio of the beneficio in a white sarong the women of the fazenda had worked frantically to make for her, listening to her husband's strong, beloved voice. Around their necks they wore garlands of flowers, gifts from the Yanomami women. Ines stood beside Caroline, tears rolling down her cheeks, little Jase nestled securely in her arms. To Jason's right stood Ignacio, proud and silent.

  "To love, honor, and cherish...." Faust, the Yanomami high priest stood before them in full regalia—bird feathers sticking out around his head, leaves tucked into armbands, his body painted in red and black geometric patterns. "... in sickness and in health...."Today was her wedding day. Today they were starting over, starting fresh, she, Jason, and little Jase.

  "...from this day forward...."

  From this day forward, they would be together, a family. The scars of old wounds were still there, just below the surface, but they would face them together. Together.

  "...till death do us part."

  Turning, Jason and Caroline faced each other expectantly. Joy and love shone clearly in Jason's eyes. No longer were they tormented by a past he could not alter. Now they looked forward to a bright, love-filled future.

  Slowly he lowered his head toward her and she lifted hers to receive his kiss, a light brush of his lips against hers that promised more delights to come.

  A loud cheer went up from the crowd gathered around the beneficio. The bride and groom turned to face the onlookers, the fazenda workers and their families to the left and the Yanomami to the right.

  Behind them, the priest began to chant, his words unintelligible, some kind of incantation to his gods. Caroline didn't think God would mind. They had already been bound together in His eyes, and today was just an affirmation of their commitment to each other.

  Drums thundered in the background as Jason bent his head to whisper in her ear. "You'll never know how much I love you."

  Caroline smiled, her body suffused with warmth, as she pulled his head down so she could whisper into his ear. "You could show me every day for the rest of our lives."

  "I plan to," he replied, his voice thick with desire.

  "Starting today?"

  Jason gazed into her eyes, uncertainty marring his brow. "Are you sure? It's so soon...."

  "It's been weeks, Jason, weeks!"

  He swept her up into his arms, walking toward the wagon that had brought them to the beneficio, and Caroline threw her head back, laughing with the joy that coarsed through her body.

  "Starting today, then," he said with an ardent smile.

  Caroline settled her head against his broad shoulder, reveling in the feel of his arms around her, in the knowledge that they would be together forever, from this day forward.