The Space Between Us

by Anna McPartlin

  It’s happening a lot here – when I go into the local newsagent’s, to buy a Mars bar or something, the woman speaks slowly and shouts that the Mars will cost 45p. Colm was with me yesterday and he burst out laughing and spent the rest of the day speaking slowly and shouting at me. He had the whole kitchen staff at it by seven o’clock. Anyway, the point of that story is that I shouldn’t have said I couldn’t call you and I’m sorry I missed you, especially as by the time I got into the phone box I was like a drowned rat. I’ll try again later today or maybe tomorrow, it just depends on time.

  And now to more important matters – you and Glenn Medeiros! I can’t believe it. Not that you kissed but that you actually think you could have feelings for him – and that’s not because he’s not cute because even with the perm and the stupid blouses he was cute, but because you said you’d never fall in love and now after one kiss … It’s just so unlike you but I am happy for you and I hope it’s going well and that you haven’t changed your mind about him since Sunday. And Gar with the girl from Bray is a turn-up for the books. I’m so happy that you were nice to him about it. He deserves to be happy and he’s mooned over you long enough, so good for him and well done. I know it sounds condescending and I don’t mean it to be but you really are changing for the better. I’ve just read that back and it is condescending – I’m sorry but you know what I mean, at least I hope you do.

  Work is crazy busy and the craic is 90. We all get on so well and have such good fun and living away from home is a blast. Don’t worry about London because you’ll have such a good time. There’s a great freedom that comes with living in a bedsit and away from parents. I thought I’d be lonely but I’m happy as a clam but then again I suppose Mum isn’t around a lot anyway so it’s not so different, and the fact that I don’t have to cook is a real bonus. I get my real food in the restaurant and it’s beautiful. In fact, I’ve decided that as soon as I get settled in Cork I’m going to do a cooking course at the weekends or evenings or something. Anyway, I have a coffee for breakfast. I buy a sandwich in one of the local cafés for lunch and then I have an amazing dinner at six when we open. Perfect.

  Colm and Ellen are great. Ellen met a Spanish boy in the local pub. He’s a chef in a hotel close by. He speaks perfect English and he’s really nice. They are a nice couple, at least that’s if they are a couple – at the moment they are seeing each other casually. Ellen just broke up with a boy in college and it was a bad break-up. She doesn’t want to talk about it so I don’t know the details. Colm is really kind and we’ve been hanging around a lot lately because Ellen is off with her Spanish chef. He brought me to a GAA game and I met his friends and they all seem nice but a few of them were slagging him about me but he told them to shut up and that we were just friends and I had a boyfriend, so I feel better about things because I was starting to worry that we were spending too much time together and that maybe he thought something would happen. It’s not really anything he has said or done, it’s just a feeling. I’m probably mad. Declan says I have too high an opinion of myself – he’s probably right.

  It’s not so strange that Paul mentioned to you that Declan mightn’t get the points for medicine. Declan probably said something to him. He’s really upset at the moment and I know you’re annoyed at him but don’t be. I was the one who decided to call him rather than you. Please be nice to him – he’s having a really hard time. The other night on the phone he burst out crying because if he has to repeat his exams it will kill him. He’s really worried about them. He’s been poring over the exam papers since I left and second-guessing every answer he gave. I told him to relax and not to worry. He did well in the mocks. He’ll be fine. I felt so sorry for him, he really is stressed out, and Gar is always in Bray (now I know why) and Paul is always slutting around in town, so he’s really lonely. He mentioned he might come down to see me if his dad will give him some time off in the garage, but in the meantime please, please, please just be nice. He has noticed you ignoring him and he overheard you calling him Dicknose to Gina in the coffee shop – apparently, he was standing behind the coat rack waiting for a table and walked out before you could see him. He’s wondering what he could have done to offend you and he’s only pretending not to notice that you’re pissed off because he doesn’t want to get on the wrong side of you. So I’m begging you as my friend to make up with him. He could do with a shoulder to lean on.

  How’s Clooney these days? Are he and V Kill P still seeing one another? I was really shocked to hear that. I was so sure she was a lesbian. Although if anyone could change a girl’s mind, he could, and I know you hate to hear me talking about Clooney like that but seriously he is one in a million.

  I’m listening to a lot of the Beautiful South at the moment – they are one of Ellen’s favourite bands and I love both their albums, Welcome to and Choke, and I think you’d really like them too. When I listen to ‘Song For Whoever’ I always think of you because it’s clever. It makes me smile the way you do when you just say it like it is, no matter how blunt. I love that about you.

  I’m glad you’re hanging around with Gina again. Tell her I was asking for her. And I’m really glad you’re seeing Glenn Medeiros and can’t even tell you how happy I am that you might be in love because maybe now you’ll get off my back about Declan – and now that I think about it I’m disgusted you’d even think that I’d do anything with Colm. Declan and I have been together two years! And even though everything is changing we are for ever, just like you will always be my best friend.

  Now I have to go. Colm and I are going for a hike with Ellen and the Spanish chef. I can never remember his name – it’s something like Oreo, like those American biscuits that Mary Walsh talked endlessly about when she came home from Florida last year. He’s bringing a picnic basket.

  I swear this living on your own stuff is easy-peasy. Did I tell you that there is an electricity meter in my bedsit? It’s brilliant. I just have to fill it with 50ps and the electricity stays on and there’s no bill at the end of the month. I just have to remember to have enough 50ps lying around and that’s easy because I can keep them from my share of the tips so it’s really handy.

  Love you. And I’ll try and call you again on Friday at around four p.m.

  Lily XXXOOOXXXOOO

  PS Top Gun is one of the best films of all time so stop slagging it off and I loved when you went up to GM and said, ‘You’re welcome’ – that’s so funny.

  PPS Out of U2 who would you date first to last? I’d go for

  1. Larry Mullen

  2. Bono

  3. The Edge

  4. Adam

  TRY AND BE THERE AT FOUR P.M. ON FRIDAY AND GIVE ME AT LEAST TILL FOUR THIRTY BEFORE LEAVING BECAUSE THAT GOSSIP COULD BE THERE AGAIN.

  PPPS One last thing – I totally forgot to tell you about the fallout from the girl who found her Italian boyfriend kissing her brother. The brother has been kicked out of the house because the mother was with her and they both saw the kissing and apparently there was more going on than kissing. In fact, the gossip told the last caller that they had their hands firmly down each other’s pants. Anyway, he’s left town with the Italian and nobody knows where they went. I don’t know the girl but apparently she’s a fantastic singer and leads the church choir. I’m tempted to go to Mass just to look at her. That’s another brilliant thing about living on my own – I don’t have my mother making me go to Mass. Oh, and one last thing – I saw a man who looked just like Danny the other day and it reminded me to miss him. Tell him I said hi.

  When Lily had recovered enough to start moving she ran down the hall, got into the lift and pressed the button for the ground floor. It seemed to take an eternity for the door to close. Come on, come on, come on! She ran to Admissions and waited impatiently while the receptionist gave a visiting couple directions to St Claire’s Ward. Come on, come on, come on! When they moved out of her way she leaned in.

  ‘I need to find a Ben Logan,’ she said.

  The receptionist
typed in the name and shook her head.

  ‘Nobody by that name here,’ she said.

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘No Grogans.’

  ‘It’s Logan. L-O-G-A-N.’

  ‘OK. Logan. Ah, yeah, here he is.’

  ‘Where?’ Lily asked.

  ‘ICU.’

  Lily nodded and walked away. When she was out of the receptionist’s line of sight she started to run again. She didn’t have time to wait for the lift, which was already going to be full, judging by the number of people waiting for it. Bugger-balls and a side order of flaming fries! She ran up the stairs two at a time and made it in two minutes flat.

  Olivia Castle was on duty. She had transferred from Orthopaedics the previous year.

  ‘Olivia,’ Lily said, glad to see a friendly face.

  ‘Hey, stranger, what has you visiting ICU?’

  ‘Ben Logan,’ she said.

  ‘He’s in Three. What’s the connection?’

  ‘None, really. I knew him years ago.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Well?’ Lily asked.

  ‘He took a serious blow to the head.’

  ‘How serious?’

  ‘He’s in a coma and on a ventilator.’

  ‘Outlook?’

  ‘Not good.’

  ‘Oh.’ Lily’s heart sank. ‘Is it OK if I go in for a second?’

  ‘Go ahead. And, Lily, sorry about your friend.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  Lily walked into the room and instantly recognized Ben. He didn’t have the facial injuries that Eve had. The back of his head had sustained the damage. He was surrounded by a wall of machines. Tubes poked out from under the bed linen, attached to various collection bags. Lily felt awkward standing there, as though she was the angel of doom. The room was stifling hot, the run up the stairs was the most exercise Lily had done in years, she hadn’t slept well and had taken ibuprofen on an empty stomach. When she suddenly felt light-headed, she thought, Fudge cake, and promptly fainted. She picked herself up before anyone saw and sat on the chair with her head between her knees. After all this time, Eve Hayes and Ben Logan. What is going on?

  Olivia appeared with a woman who was clearly distraught but silent. The woman stared at Lily. She lifted her head and immediately jumped up, risking fainting for a second time.

  ‘Lily’s an old friend of Ben’s, Fiona,’ Olivia explained, to the woman who was pale and trembling.

  The woman redirected her gaze to Ben. He was dying in front of her but she was the one who looked like a ghost. Lily was acutely aware that she had no business being in the room.

  ‘Really,’ Fiona said, with eyes fixed on her husband. ‘He never mentioned you.’

  ‘It was a long time ago,’ Lily said. ‘I was more of a passing acquaintance.’

  ‘Right,’ she said. Olivia pulled out another chair and sat her down. She hesitated before taking his hand in hers. His knuckles were scuffed but, apart from the fact that the back of his head was caved in, he looked perfect.

  ‘We had a fight,’ she said.

  ‘People fight,’ Olivia said.

  Lily remained silent. She waited for the appropriate moment to leave.

  ‘It was a huge fight. I went to my mother’s.’

  ‘You’re here now,’ Olivia said.

  ‘He’s under a lot of pressure,’ she said. ‘Business is bad.’ She touched the wedding band on his finger. ‘I told him if he didn’t get his act together I’d divorce him. I didn’t mean it. I was just angry. He’d let things get so bad and didn’t tell me, but he was only trying to protect me. I know that. I know he was doing everything he could to get out of the mess. I know he didn’t want me to worry. He’s my husband. I love him.’ Tears of overwhelming sadness and regret fell freely.

  ‘I’m sure he knows that,’ Olivia said, putting her hand on Fiona’s shoulder.

  ‘I still don’t know what really happened,’ Fiona said. ‘What was he doing there? It doesn’t make any sense.’

  Olivia handed her a tissue so that she could blow her nose.

  ‘I don’t understand,’ Fiona added.

  Lily couldn’t bear it any more. She made her apologies and left the room. Oh, Eve, what were you up to?

  She returned to her duties and watched the clock. One hour passed, then two, then three, then four. Declan appeared out of nowhere and nearly gave her a heart attack.

  ‘I’m free for lunch if you’re hungry,’ he said.

  ‘No. I can’t,’ she said.

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘I had to take some time earlier to get my shoulder sorted. I’m running behind.’

  ‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, anxious.

  ‘Adam had a look at it and it’s fine – I’m taking ibuprofen,’ she said, and began walking towards the lift, hoping he’d follow her. She wanted him as far away from her floor as possible in case Eve came back.

  ‘What happened?’ he asked.

  ‘You,’ she said, and he clasped her hand to stop her in her tracks.

  ‘Me?’

  ‘And your games,’ she said. She smiled so that he knew she wasn’t accusing him of anything untoward.

  ‘Ah,’ he said. ‘The time has come to set aside such childish things.’

  ‘Or buy a new headboard,’ she said.

  He laughed and kissed her in the corridor, and she knew their little flirtation would guarantee his good mood for the evening. That’s something.

  Another hour went by, and then another.

  She saw Adam passing the ward when she was attending to Mrs Niven’s catheter. She pulled the tube out so quickly that the poor woman squealed. ‘I’m sorry – did that hurt?’ she asked, craning to see where Adam was walking to.

  ‘No pain, although I did worry I’d open my eyes to find my fanny in your hand, dear,’ Mrs Niven said.

  Lily smiled. ‘It’s just the suction,’ she said, and waved her hand. ‘You see? Fanny free!’

  When Mrs Niven was settled and enjoying an episode of Midsomer Murders, Lily went to find Adam. He was in his office.

  He stood up. ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘Not really,’ she said.

  He pulled the chair out for her and sat opposite. ‘What’s going on?’ he asked.

  ‘The woman you were operating on – Eve Hayes. How is she?’

  ‘She’s in Recovery. Everything went well.’

  Lily nodded. ‘How bad were her injuries?’

  ‘Can I ask why you want to know?’

  ‘We used to be close,’ she said.

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘It was a long time ago but …’

  ‘I understand. Well, the neck of her right fibula is fractured, she has a fractured left tibia and fibula, a fractured left shoulder. Her glenoid was sheared off the scapula with a fracture of her coracoid and acromion. She has a fracture to her left cheekbone and a laceration over the left side of her face running into the lower portable part of her nose.’

  ‘Jesus,’ she said, and burst into tears.

  Her reaction was as shocking for her as it was for Adam. He got up and walked around his desk, sat on it and patted her shoulder. ‘She’ll be OK,’ he said.

  ‘I know – it was just shocking to see her like that,’ she said, between sobs.

  Adam didn’t know where to place himself or what to do. He wanted to take her in his arms and cradle her like a baby but he thought that might be inappropriate so he continued to pat her, hoping she felt comforted rather than awkward.

  ‘I’m really sorry,’ she said, pulling herself together.

  ‘Don’t be.’

  ‘It’s been a long day.’

  ‘I promise she’ll be fine – I did some beautiful work in there,’ he said, grinning.

  ‘I’ve no doubt,’ she said, and wiped away her last tear. ‘How much longer in Recovery?’

  He looked at his watch. ‘She could be brought back any time now. She really did do well in surgery.’

  Lily looked at her watch. It was just af
ter six. Her shift finished at seven thirty. ‘OK. Thanks, Adam.’

  ‘You’re welcome,’ he said, rising from his desk.

  She stood up and he hugged her. She smelt of orange blossoms and her hair was soft when he leaned his chin on her head for a second. She patted his back in a friendly gesture and he berated himself for his stupid crush on a married woman. Get over it, Adam. They parted.

  Lily stood looking at him. ‘One more thing,’ she said.

  ‘Anything.’

  ‘Please don’t mention Eve is here to Declan.’

  ‘OK.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘You’re welcome.’

  She moved to leave but turned back. ‘And, Adam?’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Thank you for not asking why.’

  He nodded and she left the room.

  Eve woke up in pain. Her left leg was particularly bad. My shoulder’s on fire. Am I dreaming? This is a really painful dream. Holy crap, what’s happening? Her throat felt as if she’d swallowed sandpaper and her lips were dry. When she licked the lower one she felt the stitches with her tongue. Oh, now I remember. In her good hand she held something that felt like a remote control. She searched with her fingers for the button but before she could find it a nurse took it from her.

  ‘Are you in pain?’ she asked.

  ‘Bad.’

  ‘OK.’

  She pressed on something. In that moment the fire in Eve’s shoulder seemed to engulf her entire body but just as suddenly it drifted away, and although she’d just woken she felt exhausted.

  ‘There you go,’ Lily said, and handed Eve what felt like another remote control. ‘When it gets bad, press on it.’

  Eve registered Lily’s voice and the memory of meeting her at the theatre door flooded back. ‘You,’ she said.