The Space Between Us

by Anna McPartlin

  Simone had been a revelation. Eve had never met Paddy, but Gina maintained he was very like Paul – quiet, closed off and sometimes cold. Gina suspected that Paddy hadn’t liked her and Gar, and she was right. Paddy had had nothing against them – they just had nothing in common. Eve knew this because, in a rare candid moment, Paul had said as much. ‘He would have liked you, though,’ he’d added.

  Simone, on the other hand, was an open book. Simone was beautiful to look at but there was a softness to her features that Eve hadn’t seen in other models. She was extremely excited to meet Paul’s friends, if a little disappointed that Gar hadn’t made it. Gina produced a dreadful excuse and turned red. She always overcomplicated her lies, turning them into tall tales that had no beginning, middle or end. She’d start strong but end up mumbling, hoping someone would intervene and stop her. Paul did so by complimenting her on her dress. She blushed again, and Simone noticed. She hugged her and told her she was really pleased to meet her because Paul had spoken so highly of her. That shocked Gina, but Simone was either a much better liar or had been speaking the truth, and Gina chose to believe the latter. Simone did seem to know an awful lot about Paul’s friends. Even Clooney was startled when she talked to him about the places he’d been and the work he did. Either she was a politician in a model’s body with an eidetic memory or Paul had opened up to her more than he ever had with any of his friends over the many years he had known them. He seemed more relaxed around her – he touched her and leaned on her, laughed more easily and spoke more in longer sentences. It was interesting to watch. Meanwhile, Gina and Simone got on like a house on fire, destined to be friends for life. Funny old world.

  Gar sometimes visited Eve at lunchtime. He’d sit and eat a panini or ciabatta roll and sip a takeaway coffee while she picked at her hospital food.

  ‘It’s not that bad,’ he’d say.

  ‘It’s not that good either.’

  ‘Want half my panini?’

  ‘No, but thanks.’

  Gar noticed the smallest improvements in Eve and he was very encouraging. He always made her feel better, reminding her that there was light at the end of the tunnel.

  That’s a light I’m not ready to see yet, buddy.

  When she got bored she’d bring up Paul. ‘Have you spoken to him yet?’

  ‘Nothing to say.’

  ‘That’s a bit childish.’

  ‘You think?’

  ‘Yip.’

  ‘I’m not even angry any more,’ he said one day, ‘just disappointed.’

  ‘I understand. He’s your friend, you thought you knew him.’

  ‘Exactly. Gina says I’m making a big deal out of it.’

  ‘I think he didn’t know who he was for so long that, when he finally realized or accepted it, he felt silly – that, combined with a personality so private he doesn’t tell himself his own secrets. It has nothing to do with how he sees you as a friend.’

  Gar laughed. ‘He was always like that even as a kid. I’d ask him how he did on a test and he’d say bad or good – he’d never give the actual mark. When we were teenagers he’d disappear and we’d never know where he was, until he’d just turn up. We all decided he had this amazing sex life, with girls from different towns and villages, but he never said a word.’

  ‘Lily and I used to call him the virgin-taker.’

  ‘Did he even have sex with any of those girls?’

  ‘I’ve no idea,’ Eve said. ‘Probably not. Can you imagine if Paddy was the first person he had sex with?’

  ‘Oh, that makes perfect sense. No wonder he fell in love.’

  ‘You see? We’re doing it again.’

  They talked about Simone, that she seemed nice and Paul was happy, comfortable and different around her. Gar worried that Gina was getting too close. ‘After all, they’re not married yet and the way things are going he could run off with the priest next.’

  Gar felt better when he was laughing about his friend, not because he enjoyed being cruel but because it was a release from feeling like a fool. He couldn’t help but focus on all the time he and Paul had spent together over the years and, although he had confided in Paul, his friend had locked him out, like an unwanted visitor. He also wondered why he hadn’t noticed this before. Was it because I thought he was having sex with men and I just didn’t want to know? What does that say about me? And why does it matter so much? Also, it bothered Gar that Paul knew he was pissed off and had made no effort to approach or appease him.

  ‘You know what he’s like,’ Eve echoed Gina’s mantra.

  ‘It’s not good enough,’ Gar said.

  ‘He’s not going to apologize for not telling you his business until he was ready to tell you his business, so get over it and be friends or get over it and don’t,’ she said one day, looking over his shoulder to see who was coming and going in the car park. She saw Declan pull into his spot and pointed. ‘There’s Declan.’

  Gar nearly broke his neck turning round. When the car was parked and Declan was getting out, Gar got out of his seat and stood by the window staring down. Eve warned him not to get caught. They were a little excited, like two kids doing something they shouldn’t. When he looked up and stared straight at the window, as though he felt someone looking at him, Gar spun round to face Eve. ‘He’s looking, he’s looking, he’s looking!’

  He sat down and they laughed at their foolishness, sure that he hadn’t really seen Gar and aware that Lily hadn’t told him Eve was in the hospital.

  Gar had stopped wondering a long time ago why Declan had walked away from his life and friends. ‘Another one I didn’t know,’ he said.

  That’s for sure, Eve thought.

  Lily met Gar a few times while she was working. She’d stop in and say hello. Gar had always liked Lily – she had a calming effect on Declan, who was highly strung and competitive, which made him a great rugby player but a bit of a hothead off the pitch. Lily could make him laugh at himself. He relaxed when she walked into any room. They were a good couple. Gar had been jealous of him back then. Declan and Paul were the stars on the pitch, Gar always lagging behind. Paul had any girl he wanted, or didn’t want, and Declan had Lily.

  When Gar had gone out with Eve, he thought he had finally matched up to the two boys, but Eve wasn’t interested, and because Gar had had no confidence back then, he had supposed the problem was his. They made good friends but they had zero chemistry. She was beautiful and they had good fun as long as they weren’t kissing because kissing Eve was like kissing a wall. It was only when he and Eve parted and he kissed other girls that he understood it wasn’t him or her – just that Eve and Gar were never going to work. He was with her to compete with the lads and she was with him because he was one of the few boys who wasn’t afraid to ask her out.

  Poor Gar had never felt quite good enough and, if he was honest with himself, that was why Declan’s desertion had caused him so much pain. The first chance he has to get away from me, he does. And why Paul’s lie of omission hurt so much. I’m a fill-in for Declan and clearly a pretty poor one. Gina had done her best to rid Gar of his insecurities, but as hard as she worked at pointing out how great he was, there was always something in the back of his mind that told him he wasn’t. He always looked at what other people had achieved and compared himself unfavourably.

  To all who knew him, he seemed at ease with himself and content with his lot, and he was, for the most part. That was one of the reasons he and Gina hadn’t gone crazy in the boom years and racked up ridiculous debt. When others were buying holiday homes abroad and bigger ones in Ireland, he was happy with his house. He didn’t need a new car and he didn’t like to go on holiday anywhere more than once. What’s the point in that? But that didn’t stop him placing greater worth in others than in himself because a little part of him had always hoped his life would be larger than it turned out to be. ‘Just be content to be content,’ Gina had counselled many times.

  ‘What are you thinking about?’ Eve asked, when he had sl
ipped into silence for an awfully long time.

  ‘You can’t change people,’ he said.

  ‘No, you can’t.’

  ‘We are what we are,’ he said.

  ‘That’s right.’

  They had a few lunches together when they did very little talking and instead watched TV. He’d bring Eve a takeaway coffee and sometimes a slice of cake even though she’d told him not to. Clooney enjoyed it with afternoon tea.

  Clooney and Lily became closer that month too. They’d find a place in the hall or a space in an old TV room to have a chat. They never discussed Declan or even the kids. They’d talk about everyday things over a coffee or a shared slice of cake that Gar had brought Eve or a muffin that Clooney would pick up in a coffee shop. Chocolate-chip was her favourite. Eve often slept for an hour in the afternoons and it was then that he and Lily would catch up. They were both relaxed in one another’s company – they had grown up together, after all. They knew and cared about each other.

  Clooney had forgotten how well she knew him.

  ‘The sale of Danny’s house fell through,’ he said one day.

  ‘Oh, no! I thought it was a done deal.’

  ‘The guy lost his job just as they were about to draw down the loan.’

  ‘Oh, the poor man!’

  ‘I suppose so. To be honest, I was thinking, Screw him. Now I have to deal with the house.’

  ‘I love that house.’

  ‘Great. Do you want to buy it?’

  ‘You and Eve are lucky, you find it easy to let go.’

  ‘So do you,’ he said. ‘After all, you let us go.’

  She nodded sadly. ‘I didn’t feel like I had a choice. It’s not something I’m proud of.’ If I knew I was set to leave this earth soon, would I do it all differently?

  He didn’t push it. He hated to see her sad so he changed the subject. ‘Maybe we’ll keep it. I might move back here some day,’ he said.

  ‘You’re just saying that to avoid doing anything that involves money or solicitors – you wouldn’t last a year here,’ she said.

  ‘How do you know that?’

  ‘You used to give me your pocket money because thinking about what to spend it on would stress you out,’ she said, giggling.

  ‘Nah, I just wanted you to have it.’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ she said. ‘Eve will be back on her feet sooner than anyone thinks and she’ll take over.’

  ‘I’m counting on it,’ he said. She squeezed his hand and left him to go back to work. Clooney watched her walk away. If I had you, Lily, would I ever let you go? Deep down he knew he would, but she’d make it hard.

  In the month that passed after Declan returned from London, things in the Donovan household began to change dramatically. Initially he had sulked because of the phone incident, even though Lily had made a decent effort at lying. She told him she had gone for a walk and her phone had run out of juice. It was simple but plausible. It shouldn’t have led to any further questions or drama, but of course it did.

  ‘You never walk.’

  ‘Because I never have time to walk.’

  ‘Oh, I take up so much of your time that you can’t go for a simple walk, is that what you’re saying?’

  ‘No, Declan, that’s what you’re saying. I’m saying I went for a walk.’

  ‘I don’t believe you.’

  ‘I don’t care,’ she said.

  ‘Excuse me?’ he said.

  ‘You heard me, Declan. I don’t give a shit. I’m a grown woman, and if I want to leave my house and have a walk, I will, and you won’t dictate to me what I can and can’t do or where I can and can’t go. Those days are over.’

  She had never said anything like that to her husband before, primarily because she’d never admitted to herself that he had taken total control of her life.

  Bugger-balls, bugger-balls, bugger-balls. What have I done? OK, just be calm, it’s OK, it’s fine. Everything is great, everything is lovely, and everything is fantastic. What am I doing? If I knew I was set to leave this earth soon, would I do it all differently? Jesus, Lily, stop saying that!

  Declan had been with Lily since he was sixteen years old. He knew her inside and out, he had been party to every smile, laugh, cry, moan, whinge, every grimace, every lie and every truth for so many years. He knew Lily better than she knew herself. He had started to spot the changes in her during the days and weeks preceding his trip to London. She’d always had a smart mouth but she was becoming more cutting by the day. She wasn’t as tolerant of his idiosyncrasies. He was a worrier, she knew that. He liked things in order. He liked routine. He liked to know where his wife was and who she was with. Why the hell is that suddenly a crime? Not to mention that she liked routine, things in order, and she was the one who had instigated her own routines. It was Lily’s planner on the fridge, not Declan’s. He wasn’t some sort of keeper, but he deserved to know her location at any given time. He was her husband. She was his wife. She had her duties and he had his.

  Lately she had been remiss most of the time. She appeared bored when he talked and she didn’t seem to notice when he was down. The last good chat they’d had together was when she was exhausted in the bath and he had presented her with the gold bangle. What the hell does she want from me? The night at Rodney’s had been alarming. She would normally have made an effort to be pleasant but she had gone into that house looking for a fight. Alice had nearly died of mortification when Lily had told her to send her dress back. She wasn’t used to Lily’s sharp tongue, and Rodney had confided in him later that she had vowed never to have Lily in her house again. Rodney was Declan’s only real friend and he had been disgusted that Lily had caused a rift. When he said so to her she was gleeful.

  ‘Good. She can give it out but she can’t take it.’

  He was hurt that she was so pleased to have caused difficulty between him and Rodney. Of course they could see each other on the golf course or in any number of situations but warring wives would cause problems. She couldn’t see how upset it made him or if she did she didn’t care. She’s jealous, Lily. Why couldn’t you just suck it up?

  Then she had thrown the pan at the wall and told her family the kitchen was closed. Now she did one breakfast each day and never asked him what it should be. One morning he had woken to a bowl of porridge. The kids hadn’t even attempted to eat it. Again his wife hadn’t seemed to care.

  ‘Eat it or leave it,’ she said, and left her family sitting there like stunned mullets.

  ‘Is Mum having a breakdown?’ Daisy had asked.

  ‘No,’ he’d said, ‘she’s just tired.’

  ‘I’ll grab something with Granddad,’ Scott said, getting up. ‘We usually take a break for a natter and a roll around ten anyway.’

  Every time Declan’s son said something that showed his relationship with his granddad was a world away from the pain he had endured, it was like a knife in Declan’s chest. He put on a happy face for Scott, and Lily knew how much it hurt, but she didn’t bring it up. She had divested him of her interest, care or consideration. Their sex life was worse than ever. Lily lay there like a cold fish. He hadn’t tied her up because of her shoulder injury, but if he had, she’d have made him feel skeevy, not sexy. She was looking at him differently and she was pulling away. She wouldn’t answer a straight question and, although she kept denying there was a problem, Declan wasn’t a fool.

  The first time he saw Clooney Declan had been in the canteen eating lunch with Rodney. He noticed him a few times before he recognized him. He was sitting alone in a chair directly opposite, staring straight out of the window. He was lost in his own world and Declan admired his physique – he was strong, broad, built for rugby. He wondered if he played the game. When he crossed the floor to refill his coffee mug he realized the man was familiar somehow. Declan wasn’t sure if it was his eyes, face or gait that resonated but he couldn’t concentrate on what Rodney was saying, and by the time he’d put a name to the face he’d had no idea what Rodney was talking a
bout.

  When Clooney had walked out of the canteen Declan had made his excuses and left Rodney to finish his lunch. Like a spy, he had followed Clooney to Lily’s ward. She was off that week so his mission wouldn’t be scuppered by an unwelcome encounter with his wife. Clooney disappeared into Room 8. He’d waited for the nurse to move away from her station and taken a look at the room list. Seeing Eve’s name in black and white wasn’t as shocking as he would have thought – seeing Clooney had softened the blow – but he felt uneasy and his hands were clammy. The hospital was suddenly too hot and stuffy. He needed air. He had gone outside and was grateful for a cool breeze. He had sat on a bench in the hospital gardens, thinking through the meaning of Eve’s presence on his wife’s ward. It certainly explained Lily’s behaviour, her disappearances and her inability to tell him where she was or who she was with. The gourmet packed lunches every second week suddenly made sense. She wasn’t coming here for me, she was coming here for her. The lies of omission and outright deceit were breathtaking. Lily hadn’t seen Eve in twenty years but she was back, and Lily was hiding her from him. Is it because you don’t want to hurt me? Is it because I said I never wanted to see her again or hear her name spoken? Is it because you love me and you don’t want to open that old can of worms? Or is it that you don’t trust me? You want her back in your life. You remembered that you love her. Some friendships are for ever. Isn’t that what you said to me when we were sixteen and your best friend did everything to break us up and you wouldn’t choose? But eventually you did choose, Lily. You chose me. You should have told me.