The Space Between Us

by Anna McPartlin

  I just picked this email up.

  He deleted it.

  He sat over the computer, tapping the J key lightly with his finger. We could spend a long leisurely weekend at the Ritz before I head back to Afghanistan. Was she at the Ritz? He Googled the website and got the phone number. It was just after two a.m. in Ireland, which made it three a.m. in Paris.

  He phoned the hotel. The receptionist picked up after four rings. She sounded bright and breezy, as though it was the middle of the day. In broken French Clooney apologized for calling so late and asked to be connected to Stephanie Banks’s room. She took a minute and advised that Stephanie had requested not to be disturbed after ten p.m. He explained it was very important. She considered for a moment and rang the room.

  ‘Hello?’ Stephanie sounded sleepy.

  ‘I just picked up your email,’ he said.

  ‘I was wondering why you were so quiet.’ She yawned.

  ‘Are you all right?’

  ‘I’m fine,’ she said. He heard her stretching in the bed, the way she always did when she was half awake, half asleep.

  ‘Are you sure this is what you want?’

  ‘It’s what we both want,’ she said.

  ‘Thanks for telling me.’

  ‘I hope to see you.’

  ‘Eve just got out of hospital today.’

  ‘Wow. She must have been in a bad way.’

  ‘She was.’

  ‘And now?’

  ‘She’ll be OK,’ he said. ‘Are you scared?’

  ‘They’re going to put me out,’ she said.

  ‘When and where?’

  ‘Thursday, one p.m. Number ten rue Vivienne.’

  ‘I’ll fly in that morning,’ he said.

  ‘You don’t have to.’

  ‘I want to.’

  ‘I’m really tired,’ she said.

  ‘Go back to sleep.’

  ‘And, Clooney …’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Thanks.’

  He hung up and looked for flights that would get him to Paris as early as possible on Thursday morning. He found one leaving at seven a.m. that arrived at nine forty-five. He booked it and emailed to let her know. He asked her if he should meet her in the hotel or if he should go straight to the clinic.

  Before he closed the computer he read the last email. It was a job offer to head a food programme in Peru. It had been up and running for four years, managed by a man he was aware of but had never met. The guy was leaving in November but it was hoped that Clooney would be in Peru by 1 October to work with him until the handover. He didn’t open the attached file but he answered the email, asking for a week to think about it. He closed down the computer and fell on to his bed. He lay there in the dark with his eyes wide open, his mind and heart racing.

  Stephanie needs me but only briefly. I want Lily but she’s a mother going through a nasty separation. She’s bound to Ireland. What about Peru? No more war. I couldn’t be a stepdad to those kids any more than I could be a father to Stephanie’s child, even if either of them wanted me to – but then why not? What if Stephanie changes her mind? Could I step up to the plate if I had to? Of course I’d do my best. What about Peru? I could do something in Peru. A fucking baby. If it is a boy, the testicles are starting to produce the testosterone hormone. Eleven weeks. What if Lily and I get together? Would I end up hurting her like last time? Would she want now what she wanted then? What if Stephanie wants me to ask her not to have an abortion? Women change when they get pregnant. My baby is growing inside her. Do I want to ask her not to have an abortion? No. What would it mean for both of us? A completely different life? I don’t want a different life. What does that make me? Eve needs me here now but for how much longer? Would I even consider staying in Ireland and settling down? No. Even for Lily? I can’t stay here. What about Peru? It would be a fresh start on a project that’s actually working and supported by local government. How the hell did we get pregnant? Damn it, Stephanie, if you’re so sure and so cool about it, why did you even tell me? Lily, you make me so happy – if only I could be what you need me to be. What about Peru?

  The next morning Clooney was tired and quiet. Eve had slept late – it was the first time in a long time that someone wasn’t prodding her at a ridiculous hour. He sat at the kitchen counter, drinking coffee and watching the waves splash against the rocks.

  Lily appeared in a pair of striped blue-and-white pyjamas. When she passed him she smelt of roses. She looked at him from under her thick chestnut-brown fringe, full of concern. ‘You didn’t sleep,’ she said.

  He nodded. ‘A lot on my mind.’

  ‘Can I help?’

  ‘No,’ he said.

  ‘Please, try me,’ she said, pouring coffee from the pot into his mug and into another for herself. She sat opposite him. He looked into her big brown eyes and wondered how much she had been through over the past twenty years. I’m so sorry, Lily.

  ‘I have to go to Paris tomorrow,’ he said.

  ‘Oh.’ She looked disappointed. ‘For how long?’

  ‘A few days.’

  ‘Is that all?’

  ‘I’ll be back.’

  ‘But not for long,’ she said, and she smiled but her smile was just a mask.

  ‘Never here for long.’

  ‘I’ll miss you,’ she said. She picked up the mug and walked back into Eve’s spare room.

  It was after eight, and Paul and Simone were the first to arrive to Eve’s welcome-home dinner with four bottles of wine and a twenty-four pack of beer.

  ‘Think you have enough booze there, pal?’ Clooney said, laughing.

  ‘Better to be safe than sorry,’ Paul said, breaking out a beer and handing it to him. He took another for himself and put the rest into the fridge. He’d been buying a wedding suit with his father, who’d read a book called Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out. Paul had been answering questions for most of the day.

  ‘If you were stuck on an island would you rather be with a man or woman?’

  ‘I’d rather be with the one I love.’

  ‘So, say Simone drowned, would you rather be with a man or woman?’

  ‘I don’t know. It depends on whether the person is attractive, fun, intelligent, sexy, if we have a spark or not.’

  ‘OK, say you have all that, which one?’

  ‘Oh, for God’s sake, Dad, I don’t know.’

  ‘If I was bisexual I’d pick the man – just in that setting, mind,’ his father had said.

  Paul had stopped in his tracks. ‘Really?’

  ‘Oh, yeah. Given the choice, with just two of us on a remote island and no telly, I wouldn’t have to tell him what I’m thinking every five minutes – and I love your mother but it would be a lovely break not to have to beg to get my end away.’

  Paul had laughed and put his arm around his dad. He wanted to tell him he loved him and appreciated him, but he stopped short of that. His dad gave him a nudge. ‘Best of both worlds, son,’ he said.

  ‘She’s the one, Dad.’

  ‘I know,’ he said, ‘but if you’re ever stuck on an island …’ He winked, and they walked on down Grafton Street towards the shop where Gar would meet them to try on suits.

  It had been a long day and Paul took a large slug of his beer, then said hello to Lily, who was busy in the kitchen. ‘Good to see you, Lily.’

  She was wearing a black V-neck dress, and although she was too thin, she looked beautiful. ‘You too, Paul,’ she said.

  ‘Sorry to hear about your marriage trouble,’ he said. Clooney had told everyone bar Adam and Eve that Lily and Declan had split up because they’d grown apart.

  ‘Thanks. Congratulations on your wedding,’ she said.

  Lily had missed out on Paul’s gay years. The last time she’d seen him he was with a beautiful girl and, as far as she was concerned, nothing had changed.

  Simone was standing in the middle of the kitchen-cum-dining-room-cum-sitting-room, staring at the view through the glass wall. Ba
lcony lights shone down on the water, highlighting a ship that was passing in the distance. She turned from the window to look at the mezzanine office with its inbuilt bookshelves and beautiful wooden spiral staircase that Eve couldn’t climb at the moment. ‘This place is amazing,’ she said.

  ‘It’s very Eve,’ Clooney said.

  ‘Speaking of … where is she?’ Paul asked.

  Lily said she’d go and get her. When she was gone Paul looked at Clooney. ‘So, are you sleeping together yet?’ he asked.

  Clooney looked at him with wonder. How the hell … He didn’t answer and Paul didn’t need him to.

  Adam arrived before Eve appeared. He brought more wine and a bottle of expensive whiskey but was happy to share the beer. He loved the place too. ‘It’s very Eve,’ he said.

  Clooney smiled. He liked Adam and hoped his sister wouldn’t chew him up and spit him out like she’d done with everyone except Ben Logan.

  Gar and Gina arrived late and hassled: the baby-sitter had told them she couldn’t stay past midnight because she was studying for a test. They’d tossed a coin as to who got to stay late. Gina lost.

  ‘Studying, my hole!’ Gina said. ‘She’s probably meeting some young fella. I get out one night in a blue effing moon!’

  They had brought more booze to add to the huge stockpile. Gar poured himself a glass of red wine, while Gina and Simone sat down together on Eve’s uncomfortable white sofa, talking about how amazing the place was. ‘But a deathtrap for young kids,’ Gina said, looking from the spiral staircase to the balcony, four storeys up with its low wall, and across the grounds, which seemed to fall off the cliff. ‘I mean, a view is all very well but you’d think they’d put up some kind of fence in the gardens. Our youngest would just run off the end of that because he could.’

  Simone hoped her kid wouldn’t be as simple as Gina’s sounded.

  In her bedroom Eve was in meltdown because she had nothing to wear. Lily looked in her vast wardrobe. ‘You do seem to have a thing for jeans and vest tops,’ she said.

  ‘I had a black dress I liked but I wore it the night of the accident with Ben. Clooney had it dry-cleaned but I can’t wear it again. Anyway, you’re in black.’

  ‘What about the red one?’ Lily asked, pulling out one of the only three dresses she could see.

  ‘It’s too low-cut.’

  ‘OK, the white.’

  ‘I’m too white for white.’

  ‘How about jeans and one of your beautiful cashmere V-neck jumpers?’

  ‘Adam will think I haven’t made any effort.’

  ‘Adam will think you’re beautiful.’

  Eve considered Lily’s comment, then admitted, ‘I know he likes you but I told him you’d never go for him.’

  ‘He told me,’ Lily said, and smiled.

  ‘Interesting.’

  ‘He said you were a good friend.’

  ‘Yeah, well, he doesn’t know me.’

  ‘He’s right,’ Lily said. ‘You’re the best possible friend.’

  Eve hovered on one crutch to pull out a pair of jeans and a cashmere jumper. ‘These will do. It’s probably a lost cause anyway, if he’s still mooning over you.’

  ‘Oh, I think you’ve given him something else to think about! He talks about you all the time.’ Lily took the jumper and jeans from Eve and followed as she wobbled her way over to the bed on her crutches.

  Eve took off her robe and sat in a silk bra and knickers set that Lily imagined had cost more than her own entire wardrobe. The scars on her shoulder and legs were still red and angry. ‘What does he say?’ Eve asked, looking down at the scars and wishing they’d fade and go away. I don’t have for ever for you to disappear, you know.

  Lily made a mental note to buy some bio-oil for her friend while helping Eve put on her jumper. She still had trouble raising her left arm. Lily worked around the problem easily. ‘Well, he asks lots of questions about when we were kids, what you were like, and when he talks about you he grins like a teenager. He repeats the things you say and laughs to himself. He’s falling for you.’

  ‘You don’t know that!’ Eve snorted.

  Lily pulled Eve’s jeans up and dragged her off the bed into a standing position. Eve held on to her waist while she zipped and buttoned them.

  ‘Yes, I do, because he looks at you the way he used to look at me,’ she said, relieved for herself and happy for her friend.

  ‘I don’t even know if I can fall in love with someone other than Ben Logan.’

  ‘Only one way to find out. Now, put some makeup on and come outside. I’ve got to check on the dinner.’

  When Eve finally emerged, everyone was sitting at the dining table, drinking, talking and laughing. Lily was being the perfect hostess with Clooney at her side. Music was playing. Gar was taking the piss out of Gina, much to everyone’s amusement. She was blushing and saying, ‘Stop it,’ and Paul was holding Simone’s hand and laughing hard. Eve stood back, leaning on her crutches, and watched her friends. The room seemed different filled with people and sound. She realized she wasn’t alone any more. I’m home. Finally I’m home.

  Adam turned, stood up and walked over to her. ‘You look stunning,’ he said, and kissed her on the mouth.

  When he pulled away she grinned. ‘You’re fast.’

  ‘Not really. I’ve wanted to do that for a while now.’

  She leaned in and kissed him. She only stopped when her legs felt they were going from under her and Clooney shouted at her to get a room. ‘This is my room,’ she said.

  The rest of the night they spent eating Lily’s gourmet food, drinking wine, telling stories and laughing. Even Paul opened up with a few stories of his own.

  When it turned midnight and a drunk, emotional Gina had to go home to relieve the baby-sitter, Eve struggled to the door to say goodbye, with Lily and Simone.

  Gina hugged Lily and told her she’d missed her. ‘Don’t ever go away again,’ she said.

  Lily promised she wouldn’t.

  ‘It’s good to have you back,’ she said to Eve. ‘I was getting a real pain in my arse sitting in that hospital.’

  Down the hallway, she leaned out of the lift and shouted, ‘Simone, don’t go changing!’

  Lily helped Eve back to the sitting room where she sat with Adam, Clooney, Gar and Paul. Adam and Paul realized they had dated two of the same girls from Mount Anville School and reminisced about them until Clooney asked if Donald Blair was gay. He wasn’t, but it led to a conversation about who was gay in the rugby teams they had played against.

  ‘Martin Walsh,’ Clooney said.

  ‘No way!’ Gar said.

  ‘Had him,’ Paul said.

  ‘Didn’t you go out with his sister at one point?’ Gar said.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Christ!’ Gar said. ‘To think I used to wish I was you.’ He shook his head. ‘Now, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t throw her out of bed for eating peanuts, but Martin Walsh!’

  ‘Wasn’t he the guy with the cauliflower ears and the smashed nose?’ Eve asked, getting up to join Lily in the kitchen area.

  ‘When we actually got together in college he had two missing teeth as well, but there was something about him.’

  Simone laughed. She was sitting on the floor in a yoga position and although she was the only one not drinking she was enjoying herself immensely. ‘I’m really going to like it here,’ she said, and got up to pee for the eighth time that night. Paul marvelled at how chilled she was about his past. It was as though she was a miracle sent from Heaven, not to save him from damnation, as his mother believed, but to allow him to be comfortable in his own skin. Thanks, Simone. God, thank you. I love you.

  Adam followed Eve and Lily to the kitchen. Eve was settling herself at the counter and Lily was cleaning it. ‘Helluva better night than dinner at Rodney’s,’ he said to Lily.

  ‘It’s a better life,’ she said. She wondered how her kids were and if they’d start picking up their phones soon when she called. Give them
time, Lily.

  Adam kissed Eve and told her he was leaving. She wanted him to stay but he was working the next day. ‘I’ll call you tomorrow,’ he promised. A taxi was waiting for him downstairs. He said goodbye to the boys, and to Simone when he met her coming back from the bathroom.

  When he was gone, Eve grinned at Lily, who was making coffee in the hope that the boys would at least pretend to drink it. ‘Good kisser,’ she said, and made a tick in the air.

  Simone joined them at the counter. Lily handed her a peppermint tea. ‘I’ve eaten so much I could burst,’ she said, then focused on Eve. ‘So, are you taking Adam to the wedding?’

  ‘Hadn’t thought about it,’ Eve said.

  ‘Well, start thinking about it.’

  ‘Do you think he’d come?’

  ‘With bells on,’ Lily said.

  Simone nodded. ‘He’s a smitten kitten,’ she said.

  ‘I wonder what sex will be like,’ Eve said.

  ‘Like it was before, except you won’t be as bendy,’ Lily said.

  ‘Dr Thomas will sort you out in the spa,’ Simone said. ‘One Padaghata massage and you’ll be circus bendy.’

  When the night was over and everyone had gone home, Eve was exhausted. Lily helped her to bed, and when she’d gone, Eve lay in her bed, talking to Ben about the night. Paul and Martin pigging Walsh. I’ve heard it all now.

  Clooney helped Lily finish tidying up. ‘The next dinner party we have we’ll get a caterer in,’ he said, not liking the idea of Lily doing so much work.

  ‘Over my dead body,’ she said, happy that he was thinking of staying around at least long enough to have another dinner party. Live in the moment, Lily.

  When the dishes were done and the counter was cleaned, he said goodnight and told her he’d be gone before she woke. She wished him good luck on his trip. He thanked her and they both hovered, then turned and went their separate ways.

  The next day, twenty-four unanswered messages later, Lily turned up in Jack Donovan’s garage. Scott was alone – his granddad was out buying parts. He came out of the office smiling, when the bell that signalled a customer rang, but his expression changed when he saw his mother. He asked her what she wanted.

  ‘World peace,’ she said.

  ‘Very funny,’ he said.