The Space Between Us

by Anna McPartlin

  Outside, Declan’s PA typed up medical notes, oblivious to the fact that her boss was being blackmailed.

  Clooney picked up Stephanie the next morning. She was sore but wanted to stop for coffee in Montmartre, and she made him sit for an artist who drew caricatures of them. They spent a fun and frivolous morning. They enjoyed coffee and croissants and laughed at the drawings, which were destined for a bin. They represented a moment in time, a sad moment at that, in cartoon form. When they got back to the hotel it was late enough to eat and they went into the restaurant. Stephanie was raw and uncomfortable. They had something light, then made their way up to the room. She stripped off and he ran a bath – Stephanie loved her baths. When it was ready she stepped in and he sat beside her, holding her hand.

  ‘Are you coming in?’ she asked.

  ‘No,’ he said. ‘I’ll mind you from here.’

  ‘Bullshit,’ she said.

  He moved to the top of the bath and massaged her head. She rested against his hands.

  ‘My dad says God will judge us if we’re wicked.’

  ‘You know I don’t believe in God.’

  ‘I do.’

  ‘And it’s all relative. Your dad killed countless men and possibly women and children in the name of his country. You just report on it. You let go of a baby not born. Which one of you is wicked?’

  ‘He believes in what he’s done.’

  ‘And you don’t.’

  ‘I acted selfishly, he didn’t.’

  ‘He killed living, breathing, terrified people in the name of war. Our baby didn’t know day from night. It had never cried, never experienced grief or sadness. That little one didn’t battle and wasn’t afraid. The people who die every day in war know what it is to breathe, to pray, to beg, to suffer, to lose, to die and to grieve. If our baby suffered it was for one second. Those people your father has affected are intimate with suffering – they are fighters who clung to life. If anyone knows what I mean, you do.’ And she did.

  ‘We’re not bad people,’ she said.

  ‘No, we’re not.’

  She didn’t cry because she couldn’t bring herself to but she let him stroke her hair comfortingly. Eventually he helped her out of the bath, wrapped her in a towel and brought her into the room. She lay on the bed and he presented her with a silk scarf he’d managed to pick up when her back was turned. It wasn’t exactly like the one she’d shoved down her knickers but it was close and expensive enough. She hugged it.

  ‘Sometimes I wish I was different,’ she said.

  ‘I know how you feel.’ He got into bed with her and held her tight. They slept together, and the next day when she battled with the bleeding, he was there to ferry her from toilet to bath to bed. They ate good food, talked and laughed, and in their own way mourned a life that never was.

  Clooney waited until Stephanie had left on her flight to Afghanistan. The procedure had taken more out of her than she’d expected, both physically and emotionally. When they said goodbye it was final, and worthy of their relationship. They hugged one another tightly and accepted they wouldn’t meet again. It was the parting of two kindred spirits destined not to love one another.

  I will miss you, Stephanie Banks.

  I will miss you, Clooney Hayes.

  When she disappeared into Security, the load he had carried started to lighten. He moved towards his gate, for the plane home and Lily.

  When Eve returned home she sat on her high bar stool at the counter and Lily made some coffee.

  ‘I saw Scott on the street today. I called to him but he wouldn’t stop,’ Lily said.

  ‘He’ll get over it.’

  ‘I just want to know how he did in his college exams.’

  ‘I’m sure he did very well, and when he stops acting like a selfish dick he’ll tell you.’

  ‘His father has made it clear to the children it’s him or me. He’s scared, that’s all.’

  ‘You’ll get them back,’ Eve said, savouring the memory of her recent conversation with Declan. And sooner than you think.

  ‘He’s always got one over me.’

  ‘Those days are gone.’

  ‘Not while he has my kids.’

  ‘Everything will be fine,’ Eve said.

  Just as she spoke Lily’s phone rang and she saw Daisy’s name flash on the screen.

  ‘It’s Daisy,’ she said, beaming. She answered the phone as she walked towards Eve’s spare bedroom. ‘Daisy,’ she said, in a voice full of tears and thanks. She closed the door behind her. When she returned she was happy and confused, and also a little upset.

  ‘Daisy is coming to live with me as soon as I get into the house.’ Happy.

  ‘How did she know I was moving into a house?’ Confused.

  ‘Declan phoned her and told her he was too busy to take care of her. She’s devastated.’ Upset.

  ‘Why would he do that?’ she asked.

  ‘He’s a selfish, hurtful sociopath,’ Eve said.

  ‘He is a sociopath,’ Lily admitted, for the first time. ‘Still, I don’t understand. He wouldn’t give up his power like that. It’s not like him.’

  ‘Maybe he’s seen the light,’ Eve said. Inside she was dancing.

  ‘Something’s going on.’

  ‘Who cares?’ Eve said. ‘You’re getting your baby back. He’s out of your life.’

  ‘Do you think Scott will forgive me?’ Lily asked.

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘He’s old enough to decide where he wants to live.’

  ‘So let him.’

  ‘She could barely speak, she was crying so hard,’ Lily said. ‘I think I hate him.’

  ‘Good, that’s healthy. I’m proud of you.’

  Daisy had done exactly as she was told in the aftermath of her mother’s departure. She had studiously avoided her calls, just as her father had instructed. She had done all the jobs her father asked of her. She had been on her best behaviour. She was quiet and not at all demanding. She wondered what she had done to make him suddenly call her in the middle of the day and tell her he didn’t want her living with him any more. ‘Call your mother. Tell her to pick you up.’

  ‘But, Dad?’

  ‘Start packing. You’ll be moving out as soon as she moves into that house.’

  ‘But, Dad.’

  ‘Daisy!’ he roared. ‘Do as I tell you! Phone your slut of a mother and tell her you’ll be moving in with her and do it now.’

  She was stunned. It was like he had punched her in the stomach. She was shaking when she made the call. She hated her mother for leaving but she also missed the joy and lightness she had brought to their house. It was dark and empty without her. Even when Declan wasn’t shouting and screaming, when he was trying to be what dads were supposed to be, it was hard work for him. Daisy felt sorry for him but that didn’t stop her fantasizing about leaving him. When he ordered her to go, though, she was bereft. He had told the kids he needed and loved them and now he was making her leave. What did I do to change your mind? Daisy’s mother had abandoned her, and now her father was kicking her out. Lily had tried to soothe her but she couldn’t hear her mother over her own sobs – and how could she believe anything she said anyway? She lay on her bed and cried herself to sleep. It was only five o’clock when she drifted off. She didn’t wake at seven when her father came home and heated up an M&S dinner in the microwave, or when Scott ran upstairs and changed before running out to get drunk with Josh, Cedric and Ethan. Neither of them checked on her but it didn’t matter. She slept until hunger woke her the next morning at eight, when both men had left for work, leaving her with another long day alone and waiting to be thrown out of her home.

  Lily was like a cat on a hot tin roof. She just wanted to get into the house and have her daughter back. On the day that the estate agent handed the keys to Eve, Lily insisted on driving to her old house to pick Daisy up so that she could show her their new home. Eve went with her. She parked the car in the driveway.

  ‘It’s nice,’
said Eve.

  Lily wouldn’t get out of the car. ‘What if he’s there?’ she said.

  ‘He’s never there during the day. Besides, you have me.’

  ‘No offence, but you’re currently a cripple.’

  ‘I could beat him to death with my crutches.’

  Lily smiled. ‘Declan might not be the only sociopath in my life.’

  Eve shrugged – which hurt her shoulder. The physiotherapist who came to her apartment was some kind of Nazi hell-bent on making a name for herself by having Eve as good as new in record time. The idea appealed, but the reality was most uncomfortable. Eve was particularly sore. I could still take him.

  Lily decided to ring Daisy and hope she’d pick up. She did. When Lily said they were outside the house in the car she came to her bedroom window. Eve saw her peering out. Lily asked her to go with them to see the house. She said no: she was busy with Tess and her dad had told her not to leave the house. Lily told her she’d love to show the new place to both of them because, after all, that was where Tess would be visiting her. There was an intense whispered debate between the girls. Daisy hung up and Lily grinned when they appeared in the doorway and walked down the path.

  Tess bounded up to Lily where she stood beside the car and hugged her. ‘I really missed you, Lily.’

  ‘I missed you too, Tess.’

  Daisy took an age to walk down the path. She had no hugs for her mother. She stared at Eve. ‘Is that her?’ she asked.

  ‘I’m Eve.’

  ‘She’s my friend,’ Lily said.

  ‘She’s a bitch,’ Daisy said.

  ‘And your father is still as charming as ever,’ Eve said, knowing exactly where the child’s attitude was coming from. ‘Now, get in the car, we haven’t got all day.’

  Lily tried to hug her daughter but she pulled away and got into the back seat beside her friend. She was silent on the journey. In contrast, Tess talked all the way. ‘You’re the jewellery-maker,’ she said to Eve.

  ‘Designer,’ Eve said.

  ‘My mum says you’re loaded and went out with lots of famous people.’

  ‘Your mum’s right.’

  ‘Is it true you went out with Robert Downey Junior before he went mental on drugs?’

  ‘Which one is he again?’ Eve asked.

  ‘Chaplin,’ Lily said, immediately engaged. She didn’t know a lot of celebrities because she wasn’t much interested in magazines but she knew him. I love him. Lily would see magazines lying around the hospital but every cover looked the same and all the banner headlines read the same. They were filled with faces she didn’t know and with things she couldn’t afford. It was depressing. Meanwhile her best pal possibly shagged Robert Downey Junior.

  ‘Iron Man,’ Tess said.

  ‘Oh, I saw that on the plane,’ Eve said. ‘No.’ She shook her head. ‘Never met him. Besides, he’s more like Lily’s type.’

  Tess laughed. ‘You’re cool,’ she said.

  Daisy gave Tess a dirty look. Tess didn’t care.

  ‘Have you been with any other actors?’ Tess asked.

  ‘Loads,’ Eve said.

  ‘OK, change the subject,’ Lily ordered.

  Tess complied. ‘Do you live in a mansion?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Do you have servants?’

  ‘I have a cleaner, but Lily is better than she is so I might have to fire her.’

  ‘Was the guy who died in the car accident your boyfriend?’

  ‘How did you know about that?’

  ‘It was in the paper.’

  ‘Was it?’

  ‘Duh,’ Tess said. ‘You’re famous.’

  Lily shrugged. ‘There were a few journalists hanging around the hospital in the early days. You were out of it and we got rid of them.’

  ‘Was he your boyfriend?’

  ‘Is that what it said?’ Eve asked, clearly panicked.

  Lily put her hand on her knee. ‘No, it wasn’t. It said you were business partners and that you were going to sell your jewellery in his supermarkets. It said you’d gone from high end to low end to no end.’

  Eve laughed. She was relieved that the local papers still showed as little concern for the facts as they had when she was last at home. When her father had died, some red-top journalists had come to the funeral to get a photograph of her in black and a comment. She’d told them to go to hell. The line under the photograph had read: ‘Eve Hayes’s Father’s Hell’. Eve rarely suffered from press intrusion. When she was in America she was one of many über-successful people who didn’t court the press, and when she was at home she lived under the radar, never attending the many press events or parties filled with important strangers that she’d been invited to in the early days. With every no-show or rejection, the invitations had petered out until there were none. She had no interest in forging some sort of name for herself as a minor celebrity in Ireland. She had retired. She was looking for peace so something relatively newsworthy would have to happen for her to gain media attention. She wasn’t famous enough for them to dig for stories. Thankfully. I’m so sorry, Ben. Where are you today? Here? There? Nowhere?

  They arrived at the house and Lily stopped the car. Her eyes sparkled. Eve handed her the key and she clutched it. It was a beautiful blue-sky day. The tree-lined driveway led to the large house with the pink-flowered creeper that covered most of the white walls. The door was still a beautiful dark blue. The wooden bench still stood under the big oak tree in the centre of the front garden. Lily’s heart raced. ‘I feel like I’m home,’ she said to Eve.

  ‘You are,’ Eve said. She wished she could feel the same about the house but, like Clooney, Eve had lost too much in it for her to feel about it the way Lily did.

  They got out of the car.

  ‘It’s amazing – and you’re only a few stops away on the DART!’ Tess exclaimed to Daisy, who was subdued and standoffish.

  Lily opened the door into the wide hallway and went inside. She held on to the big old mahogany banister that curled at the end and looked at the freshly painted walls – Eve had insisted on getting them done when the furniture had been taken out. There was no evidence of the family pictures that had hung there but in her mind Lily saw them all. The old wooden floors were varnished and gleaming. She went into the large open kitchen, which led to the patio and garden in which she and Eve had spent so much time. She looked out of the glass patio doors and spotted the swing-set. She and Eve had spent so much of their childhood on it. She clapped her hands together. ‘I loved that old swing-set!’ Then she surveyed the kitchen. It was very different from how it had been when she’d last seen it: all mod cons with an Aga, a separate wall oven and a microwave. ‘Your dad did this?’ she asked.

  ‘He had a girlfriend who liked to cook,’ Eve said. She wondered how Jean McCormack was doing and decided to call her. She was a lovely woman. She had made her father’s final years very happy.

  She followed Lily out into the garden with Tess and Daisy in tow. Tess sat on a swing and Daisy took the one next to her.

  ‘It’s just like yours,’ Tess said.

  ‘No, it isn’t,’ Daisy said.

  The trees had grown so tall that Lily could only barely make out Terry the Tourist’s old place. She went back inside and headed down the hall into the sitting room, with the big old window that looked out on to the front lawn, the bench and the oak tree. She traced her hand around the fireplace. She opened the white wooden doors that separated the sitting room from the dining room. She’d forgotten how large it was.

  She found Eve sitting on the stairs. ‘Can I go up?’ she said.

  ‘It’s your house.’

  Lily was taking the stairs two at a time when Tess ran in and followed her. ‘Wait for me, Lily!’

  Daisy appeared in the doorway.

  Eve turned to her. ‘So, are you always this miserable and annoying, or is it just because your life has been turned upside down?’

  Daisy leaned on the doorway. ‘Is my mum having an affair
with your brother?’

  ‘No,’ Eve said. ‘But they do care about each other. They always have. Your mother practically grew up in this house. She was loved here.’

  ‘She was loved at home.’

  ‘No, she wasn’t. Daisy, you don’t see that now because you’re a kid and kids are selfish arseholes who think the world revolves around them. You were happy so she must have been, right?’

  Daisy blinked but said nothing.

  ‘Your mother put your dad, Scott and you before herself for nineteen years. She worked, cleaned the house, told stories, cooked all day and night. She had no friends, no spare time and no life. She was on edge, and busy protecting you from your dad’s frustration, paranoia and temper. She was lonely and miserable and she couldn’t do it any more.’

  ‘You’re making my dad sound like he’s evil or something.’

  ‘Your dad’s a dick, Daisy, but your mother won’t say that because she doesn’t want to hurt you.’

  ‘But you don’t mind hurting me?’

  ‘I’m a stranger to you, and I’ll bet what I’ve said about him is nothing in comparison to what he’s said to you about your mother. Does he mind hurting you? Think about it,’ she said. She got up slowly and stood with her crutches.

  ‘He’s my dad.’

  ‘And she’s your mum, so if you’re going to stand up for him and his imperfections, the very least you can do is the same for your mum.’

  ‘You think you know it all.’

  ‘No, I don’t,’ Eve said. ‘But I know more than you. Tell your mother I’ll be in the car.’

  She hobbled outside, leaving Daisy to stare up the stairs after her mother and Tess.

  Lily had dropped Eve at the apartment and now she and the girls were in Eddie Rocket’s. They had ordered and were sitting in a booth, Lily facing both girls. ‘You didn’t say what you thought about the house,’ she said.

  ‘It’s nice,’ Daisy said.

  ‘What about your room? Do you like it?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I love it,’ Tess said.

  ‘What about Scott?’ Daisy said.

  ‘He’ll be in the room on the left.’

  ‘Does he know about the house?’ Daisy asked.

  ‘I haven’t shown it to him yet.’